CHAPTER 1
The sun is beginning to set, and it floods our living room with golden rays of light. My favorite time of the day is finally here. James, my husband, is in the kitchen, fixing dinner. Milana, our six-year-old, is making us dinner in her play kitchen, tossing the food in the frying pan ... and it all falls to the floor. Madelyn, our three-year-old, is gently singing to her four baby dolls, covering them with blankets as she puts them to sleep. Mason, seven months, is trying his hardest to stand on his own two feet for more than three seconds before falling on his tushy.
I am basking in the bliss that is the end of what once was a very long tunnel, a tunnel darker than I ever imagined. Now, this light is brighter than I ever thought it could be. As I sit here in my living room, watching my greatest gifts play, smile, and enjoy life, and the room is flooded with the light of the most magnificent sunset, I can't help but think back on all the horrific struggles I faced to get here.
I am Katerina Mayants, and I am sick of telling pretty lies. Here is my true story.
September 2005
I was twenty-two, and it was my first week at my first real job after graduating college. I couldn't fathom sitting in an office all day, so working as a life-insurance agent was my best-case scenario, as I would be out in the field, free to make my own schedule. On my first day at the main office, a really hot guy with turquoise eyes who seemed to enjoy spending time at the gym suggested that our genes, if mixed together, would make for beautiful children. James — the hot guy — was everything I was not looking for in a boyfriend, but somehow, no matter how hard my logical mind tried to talk me out of responding to his flirtations, my body kept tingling with a sensation only felt when a soul is connecting to its mate. We couldn't bear to be apart for more than a few hours, and so James came up with a logical reason for his sleeping in my parents' basement a few times a week — his drive home was an hour and forty-five minutes, and he might fall asleep at the wheel after a long day at work. (Good one, right?) Every night we stayed up talking, and then I went upstairs to my room, and he went downstairs to sleep on the couch. Every day was going to be the day he left to go home, but every day he stayed. On the rare occasions when he did leave, seconds after I heard his car start I would get a text message that read "I miss you. I am addicted to you."
After two months of pretending to be friends but wanting nothing more than to be lovers, we came home from a bar one night, and I said, "You don't have to go to the basement tonight. Come upstairs with me." It was the night that solidified our future together. We began spending nights at his place at least four times a week. Since meeting James, all our conversations about our future and how it could be really empowered me to give my all in sales. We did compete with each other at work, but it was such a driving force for me to see my own true potential. When I was with him, I felt all the forces of love in the world run through my body. I'd only known him for months, but I felt like we'd been together for many lifetimes before this one.
As we would fall asleep, face-to-face in each other's arms, I could feel light permeate my body. I felt so light, so good, as if my soul already knew it was one with the person it had been longing for. When waking up in his embrace after only a few hours of sleep, I felt so rested, so peaceful, and so energized. I'd never felt such a connection with another human being. I remember riding with him down the main road in our town, sitting in the passenger's seat and thinking, This is where I want to be for the rest of my life — us driving together down the road of life, side by side. The town we were driving through was a sleepy, rundown part of New Jersey that wasn't very attractive. But that day, I looked out the window and felt in complete awe of the beauty around me. I saw love in everything that surrounded us. All the angels in the world orchestrated a series of unusual events for us to be united at the perfect time and in the perfect place in our lives. Our conversations were always about our dreams of having a lot of kids and a beautiful house full of joy, laughter, and love. I wanted so badly to have children with James because he had so much to teach a child. We had huge dreams, and our imaginations ran wild with how our life would one day be, as long as were together.
One day my brother and I were walking into a grocery store when I suddenly felt an incredible feeling. I stopped my brother and said, "Oh, my God, Max. I am so in love with James. I swear he is the one I am going to marry. There is no other way." Max was eager to get the food shopping finished and didn't really respond.
Luckily, James felt exactly the same about me. We didn't waste any time; just six months after our initial meeting we moved in to a beautiful townhouse on the water in a sleepy, tiny town on the Jersey Shore. Life was amazing, and we couldn't get enough of each other — until we got enough of each other and learned our differences. Truth is we came from two different worlds. I came from a Russian family and was taught that family is a part of every single decision. My parents and brother wouldn't let me make a move until I ran it by them and got their approval. My family was a part of everything I did. Our get-togethers were loud, and everyone had an opinion.
James, on the other hand, came from an American family. His parents got divorced when he was fifteen, and their involvement in his life was miniscule. It wasn't that they weren't tight, but he was raised to make his own decisions and fend for himself. Their family get-togethers were quiet, and no one really expressed opinions on anything; they just reminisced or talked of football.
When we decided to move in together, James didn't have to ask for permission from anyone, but I had to do a four-hour presentation for my parents on why I was, at age twenty-three, self sufficient enough to live with a guy who almost positively was my future husband.
Still, James and I somehow were able to create our own world, pulling the best of ourselves to merge together. At work, we were known as Bonnie and Clyde. Either I was number one in sales for the week in the agency, or he was. No one could compete with our energy and desire to push ourselves. James pushed himself to the brink and became our top manager's worst nightmare — the nightmare of being replaced by a rookie. We were young, and after getting just a tiny taste of the big bad world of corporate America, we worked harder than ever to make our dreams a reality. I was able to hold on to my position and make money because as a female, I was not seen as much of a threat to upper management. I was more like eye candy than anything else. My fit frame and wavy long hair, combined with a love of beautiful dresses, made me more of a "girly girl" than a life-insurance closing machine.
"Katerina, don't worry if you don't get the sale," my manager said, seeming compassionate. "Your bonus is still enough for you to go shopping!"
Frustrated by management's inability to take me seriously, I worked tirelessly to prove my ability to close more sales than anyone else. The harder we worked, the harder it was to enjoy life. There simply was no time in the day for going out to eat or dancing at the clubs with our friends. We thought that if we had these big dreams of having nice cars, nice homes, and a nice lifestyle, all the time we put in to achieve those dreams would be worth it — except after we got the nice cars and went on the nice vacation, we found ourselves still plagued with anxiety over the ninety-plus hours a week (including weekends) we were working.
One hot August morning as I was getting ready for work, I realized there was silence coming from the bedroom. I came in the room, thinking I would find James sleeping, but he wasn't. He was lying in bed on his side, staring at the wall.
"What's wrong, James?" I asked him, worried about the state he was in.
"Nothing," he said. He just kept starring at the wall.
"Babe, come on — what's the matter?"
No reply; his eyes didn't even move in my direction. His behavior shocked me, and my heart sank. I couldn't believe I was witnessing one of the top sales reps for our company, a man who was a true go-getter, lying lifeless before my eyes.
I soon learned that he could no longer suppress the knowledge that no matter how hard he worked, no matter how many sales he closed or how big his agency got, there was no chance for him to move up. The system was rigged to catch superstars like him and take away all their business. There was no room for another upper manager — no need for him at all anymore; he was close to being discarded. The system in this particular company was set up so that its agents brought in the clients and trained the new reps. Once they were there for a year and were waiting for their residual income, they were treated in such a way that they had no choice but to quit — and then the residuals would go directly to upper management.
"Fuck it, babe. Just quit!" I told James. "We will figure out a way to pay for everything. You will find another job. You can't let them destroy you." I was trying to bring hope to the situation.
"I can't. If I quit, they'll take all my bonuses and residuals. All my hard work will go to shit," he whispered.
Realizing the magnitude of the situation, even I was out of words of hope. He continued to lie there for days, unable to muster the strength to even to call work to say he wasn't coming in. I watched him fall in to a deep, dark place, where hope wouldn't show its face.
My suggestion was heard but didn't really sink in. James needed something huge to happen, a total shock to our lives in order to create a shift within him ... and then it did.
On November 1, 2006, I felt something very different when I woke up. I'd never felt this way before, and I also realized I hadn't had my period in over a month. I took a pregnancy test, and of course our dream of becoming parents was now a reality. We were so excited; we forgot all our troubles and felt a renewed energy within our relationship. I told my parents, and everyone was cautiously happy for us. They said, "Congratulations! How nice," with voices that sounded like they were still trying to process the news.
The next day when I woke up, James was nowhere to be found. I called his cell phone, but he only told me to dress nicely because we were going to PF Chang's in Atlantic City for dinner that night. I thought we were going out to celebrate the baby news, so I didn't question where he was. He came home around five o'clock, smiling nonstop, and I knew there was something he was hiding from me.
"Babe, come here," he said. "Just stand in front of me for a second. I have to ask you something."
Then it dawned on me: he had a box in his hand! Oh, my God, I thought. This is it — the moment I have been dreaming of my entire life and especially since I met James. I was trying to have fun with him by running away, but he caught me, laid me on the bed, grabbed my face, and kissed me. I melted in his arms, and he helped me up and desperately tried to keep a straight face.
He got on one knee, took my hand, and said, "Marry me, Kat."
My heart was pounding. I'd watched enough movies that I thought a proposal would be a huge event, but it wasn't. It was just us in our bedroom, trying to secure our dreams and our future. I was so excited. I think I said. "All right." We were so happy, and he was so nervous as he put the ring on my right hand. We couldn't stop smiling and laughing — and there were a lot of "oh my Gods" coming out of my mouth.
We got in the car to head out and celebrate in Atlantic City. On our way there, we held hands, and I couldn't help but feel my ring was on the wrong finger.
"Wait, James. Doesn't it go on the left hand?" We burst out laughing.
"I don't know which hand it goes on. I only know which finger it goes on," he said.
I called my parents to tell them the happy news, and of course everyone was so excited for us. "Congratulations. How nice," my mom said, again with a shaky voice, still trying to digest what she'd heard.
It had only been a year since James and I met, and it already felt like this was a long time coming. Truth is, from the moment we met we couldn't wait to get married and start a family. All our thoughts and dreams were of being together for the rest of our lives with all of our children. There was never a talk of a bad time or good time; whenever I got pregnant was when we were becoming parents. Nothing held us back, especially our incredible sex life. The love and passion we had for each other made for mind-blowing lovemaking. I couldn't imagine anyone loving me more deeply than James. I couldn't imagine anyone being in awe of me like he was. We came from two different worlds, but when we were together, we were in our own magnificent world. He always amazed me; he always was thinking of beautiful ways to show me his love.
My favorite place in the world was in his arms. He might not say much, but I could always feel his complete adoration of me. His presence in my life somehow numbed my five senses and supercharged my sixth sense — my heart feeling, my intuition. I didn't need nice gifts or nice words to feel his love. It's funny; we were born just two weeks apart. We used to joke that when we were in heaven, we'd made a pact to come back to earth together and see each other again. Though I was born in Russia, and he was born in America, we, through a series of unusual events, reunited once more!
James and I went to work on a beautiful Tuesday, excited to tell everyone we were pregnant and engaged. I remember walking in, glowing with joy, and suddenly feeling a heavy, negative energy in the office. Our faces, still sore from kissing and smiling, turned stone cold, reflecting the face of our manager.
"Come in, guys. Let's talk," our manager said.
I felt a chill come over my body. We sat in his office, eager to share our happy news. Instead, we heard, "You are both done. I am sorry."
I could feel my heart beating so fast that it gave me a massive headache. How can we lose our jobs at the same time and just a few days after finding out we are having a baby? How are we going to support ourselves?
James looked like he was going to cry, but deep down inside I think he was relieved to know he finally could move on to something else. A year of working our asses off well in to the night and on weekends for the hope of one day having enough business on the books that would give us a huge residual income ... and it was for nothing.
We can never get back that time back, but I can't say it was a complete waste of time. We got boot-camp sales training and a work ethic that would prepare us for our future endeavors.
We drove home in silence, doing our best to figure out our next move. Something shifted in us that day because, truthfully, we never were the same again. The downpour of pain, frustration, and a total loss of direction would spiral our lives into a hole so deep and so dark it would take years to fill it with light again. We had no money saved and had to find a place to live. James suggested I move in with my parents, and he would move in with his mom. We packed our cars, taking only what would fit, and drove in two different directions, leaving behind the first house we had made ours, watching it disappear in the rearview mirror.
It was hard moving back into my old bedroom. I felt like such a failure. So many people advised us against moving in together so fast, and the feeling from my parents of "I told you so" left me embarrassed and insecure.
I missed James dearly, and being over an hour apart was more difficult than we thought it would be. A few weeks later, we were able to find real jobs in corporate America. I got a job at a staffing company, and James got a job at a car insurance company. We hated corporate America, and we hated having a salary — getting paid a set amount of money regardless if we were working faster or slower. We'd always worked on commission, and that had fueled our desire for closing more sales. The salaries were so low and the work so mundane that we both fell into deep depression. The deeper we fell into the hole in our minds, the harder it became to communicate and treat each other with love. Arguments became the only way we would express ourselves. During the day, James worked at the insurance company, and at night he worked at the local gas station to make ends meet. How did a college-educated guy who is incredibly gifted in sales end up like that? I felt so bad for him, and he felt even worse for himself.
