Death and Dying are two of the most feared and misunderstood words in our language. When someone is told they will die from a diagnosed illness, fear grips their heart and mind. This book not only gives insight into my journey of loss but also gives helpful suggestions to friends and family who are a support system. Not only for a loved one facing end-of-life issues, but also for friends and family coping with loss.

Grief and Hope—The Journey to Serenity

By Ann Ragobar

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2012 Dr Ann Ragobar
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-5809-7

Contents

Acknowledgements................................................................................................................ixForeword........................................................................................................................xiPreface.........................................................................................................................xiiiIntroduction....................................................................................................................xviiDefinition 1. Divine............................................................................................................xixChapter 2. Coping With Grief....................................................................................................1Poem 3. Never Alone.............................................................................................................6Chapter 4. On Death and Dying...................................................................................................9Chapter 5. Diagnosis............................................................................................................13Poem 6. Afraid To Die...........................................................................................................18Poem 7. Listen With Your Heart..................................................................................................22Chapter 8. Caregiver Burnout....................................................................................................25Chapter 9. Care For The Caregiver...............................................................................................29Chapter 10. The Importance Of Journaling........................................................................................31Chapter 11. Listen With Love....................................................................................................35Chapter 12. Keys To Emotional Loss..............................................................................................39Chapter 13. Child/Teen Grief....................................................................................................45Chapter 14. Sudden Death........................................................................................................49Chapter 15. Loss – Grief – Healing..................................................................................55Chapter 16. Grieving To Heal....................................................................................................59Chapter 17. Peace And Forgiveness Begins With Us, An Introspective On Looking To Seek Wholeness Once Again......................63Chapter 18. The Path That Grief Takes Us Through................................................................................69Poem 19. Prayer For You.........................................................................................................76Chapter 20. The Way of the Ancients. My Personal Voyage To Begin Healing........................................................79Poem 21. Life...................................................................................................................85References......................................................................................................................87

Chapter One

Coping With Grief

Some times in life, situations can arise that can literally bring us to our knees; such as the death of a loved one.

Here is my story:

Grief is a journey that we must take at some point in our lives. The million dollar question is: How do we cope with grief?

In January, Wayne, my soul mate, husband and best friend was diagnosed with cancer. The universe gave us the privilege ( trust me, I do call it a privilege) of two and a half months of remaining time together. We spent hours talking, laughing and naturally, crying. We knew that the end was near. He did not want to die at home; knowing the memory of this passing would be a constant reminder as long as I resided in our home.

Though I respected his decision, I tried to encourage him to pass his last few weeks at home but Wayne stood firm.

Wayne's decision not to be resuscitated (DNR) was difficult for me emotionally but intellectually I agreed with his decision. Though heart wrenching for me, we did not want to prolong his agony and pain any longer than necessary.

Much time was spent at the hospital. His sister, niece and I took shifts at the hospital to ensure he had company at all times. It also gave us the opportunity to ask appropriate questions of the medical staff.

Each person visiting Wayne experienced a great deal of healing and forgiveness. He was an encouragement to others, despite his own pain. Many of his colleagues came to spend time with him; reminiscing about work and the old days.

My visits with Wayne, mainly spent talking, were very precious to me. Constantly he reminded me that I had an abundance of divine help. Wayne tried giving me hope. In my heart I knew that he was right; yet I knew what was coming. Late at night, returning home, I would, break down and cry. I felt so alone.

One day I asked Wayne, though only fifty seven, if he accomplished everything in his life he wanted to do. His reply was, "Yes. The biggest worry I have is leaving you, for I know how difficult you will find my passing."

On March 22, his niece and I spent the night with Wayne in the Palliative Care Unit. In and out of consciousness for a good portion of the night Wayne and I knew that the end was near. He kept saying to me, that "this world is not my home, I was just passing through". We also knew that he was fighting to stay alive for "us". Probably the most difficult thing that any one will do in their life time is what his niece and I did next. Verbally giving him permission to go to our Eternal Home, we offered reassurance. Even though we would miss him dearly, it was time for him to rest.

At 7:48 am, on March 23, 2009 I saw Wayne take his final three breaths of life. Twenty minutes passed, though time seems to stand still. Finally I said, "So long to him for now; till we meet again". In life, whenever, I am really stressed or could not sleep, Wayne would gently rub the back of my head, to help me relax. In those twenty minutes following his departure, I felt Wayne's hand tenderly rubbing the back of my head.

In meditation, three weeks before Wayne passed; a white envelope was shown to me. I was told the envelope contained Wayne's next assignment on the other side. Prepared to leave this earth, he so eloquently said "Ann this world is not my home. My only regret is leaving you" Leave me he did, I thought that I was prepared for his passing...... NOT!! Even though he is physically not with me, I firmly believe that he is guiding me from the other side. We have the most interesting conversations." Here is an example of such a conversation:

On one exceptionally cold Easter Sunday morning I was putting fresh flowers on Wayne's grave. I heard him asking me how crazy I was putting flowers on what is now his shell. Did I not realize he is still with me in spirit? Yes, I know he is with me in spirit, but I loved the shell also that carried his soul and spirit. This was part of him. Wayne remained quiet for just a few minutes, only to say, "Ann, you are shivering with the cold temperatures. Get back in the warmth of the vehicle." Although on another plane, Wayne was still taking care of me. Trust me I did what I was told.

Shortly after this experience at the cemetery while I was in meditation one morning I heard several of my guides admonishing me not to take my vehicle on the road. I was grieving the loss of Wayne so I did not pay attention.

While I was out that morning, driving along one of our busiest highways a light flashed on the dashboard of the vehicle.

The following morning, again in meditation I was told "Do not move the vehicle off the driveway. As a matter of fact, stop your meditation, get the keys, and head outside and check the oil; Ann, check the oil."

I proceeded outside, opened up the hood. Good start, now what? Checking the oil, how does one do this? Well I remembered watching Wayne check the vehicles, but right now I could not put two sane thoughts together. So, between Wayne and my guides, here is the conversation that we had:

Wayne: Ann, look for the dipstick, the long stick that looks like it has an "O" on it. You will see this towards the front of the engine and it will say oil." Ok, I found it!!! I remembered how he used to check to see if there was oil or not. So I did, guess what? There was not one drop of oil in the reservoir. Oh joy! So how does one fill up the oil without getting it all over the engine? Oh, my guides please help!! My next thought was to take the vehicle to the mechanic.

My guides all in unison screamed, NOOOO you cannot move the vehicle!!!! You can do what the mechanic would do. We are here."

Wayne: Ann, go into the garage you will see oil." Off I go. Ok, but there is umpteen containers of the stuff. Which one? Panic set in!!

"Relax Ann, it's the green container." Found that, now, how does one pour the stuff into the engine with getting it all over the engine?

Wayne: Ann dear, please quiet your mind for a minute. I made a funnel to use for pouring oil into the engine, please take a look around. It should be where the oil is." Nope, I cannot find it. One of my guides asked me to check on one of the shelves which are to the left of where I was standing. And there it is the funnel! Oh, thank god for small mercies.

With that, and with very steady hands (trust me it was the angels holding my hands, I was such a nervous wreck) I used two containers of oil that morning. In a conversation a few weeks later our mechanic told me that no oil in the engine could have killed the vehicle completely.

So we cope by remembering, we are never alone (even though at times we feel that we are). Our Angels, Guides and our loved ones are around us. Slowly; very gently we pick ourselves up, and dust ourselves off; we put one foot in front of the other; and take each day one minute at a time.

Make goals for yourself. Work towards them. Spend time out-doors; walk, meditate, garden, paint. Do whatever makes your heart a little lighter. Reach out to help someone else! But more importantly, honour your own feelings.

Remember that we have all been blessed with unique gifts and talents. Find out what they are and use them. (Wayne always encouraged me to use my talents to help others and I am now doing so)

Loneliness is getting to me, I do not have siblings. Wayne and I did not have children. Yet as I mentioned earlier, our loved ones are all around.

Remember the things that your loved ones taught you, remember what made them unique. I quoted in giving Wayne's eulogy, Francois Mauriac.... "We are, all of us moulded by those who have loved us. And even though the love may pass, we remain never the less.. "Their Work". It is a work they very likely do not recognize and it is not exactly what they intended. No Love and No Friendship can EVER cross the path of our DESTINY without leaving some mark upon it FOREVER."

Please remember, grief takes time. It begins by taking things minute by minute; hour by hour and eventually day by day. It is a journey, walk that road with courage, trust, grace and dignity. Know that our loved ones along with our angels are walking besides us, even holding us up as is needed. In time all will be well!!!

As for me I walk this road minute by minute, reaching out; helping others whose loved ones have been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Never Alone

At times we feel the loneliness
At times we feel sad
At times we think that no one cares

We are never alone
At night when darkness surrounds us
At night when sleep is thus denied

We are never alone

Our ever present friends are our angels and our guides
They quell our fears
They soothe our restless soul
Their presence can be felt in various ways

We are never alone
Our angels and our guides walk with us each
and every day
They help us in every way
They guide our thoughts
They guide our steps
They teach us life lessons
They try to keep us safe from harm
We are never alone
So when darkness falls and the night surrounds
us
Our angels and our guides will abide with us if only for a while
They will even sing us a lullaby if we would only
ask

May we always remember that we are never alone
May we always be thankful to our angels and our
guides

For they make sure that we do not face life and its
challenges alone

Created by Dr. Ann Ragobar Serenity of Hope All Rights Reserved

Chapter Two

On Death and Dying

The thought of Death and the subsequent result of Dying are two of the most feared and misunderstood words in our language. This is true the world over. Death can be described as a journey or transition that takes place for each and every one of us; you cannot run or hide from death or the effects it has on us and our loved ones.

For years, many religions instilled a sense of foreboding when we die, any sins committed in this life, will be settled in the afterlife. Some teach that we will sleep for thousands of years, awakening to a resurrection or damnation. Anyone experiencing these teachings, naturally, would be terrified to die.

When someone has been told they will die from a diagnosed illness, fear grips their mind and heart. The reality of death is not to be feared by any of us. As a matter of fact, embrace it as your soul's natural journey; a necessary evolution to Divine. Permit me to shine a little light on this journey and transition of our soul.

Through meditations and conversations with several on the other side, including my guides, I have been told that the process one goes through at death is fairly simple. It was explained this way: Just as you go to bed at night; you fall asleep with all the pains and health issues associated with your physical body. Opening your eyes on the other side, you will see a bright white light, welcoming you home. Some of your loved ones along with your guides will await your return. No longer carrying the burdens of a sick and tired body; aches and pains diminish no more medical treatments to endure. If at one time you could not walk, now you will run!!! If your lungs were diseased and you could not breathe now great gulps of fresh, pure air fill every inch of your body. Having suffered from failing eyesight or perhaps being blind you will be able to appreciate the vast array of colors. You will look in awe at the luscious green meadows. And truly begin to appreciate all that you once could not see.

Upon arrival on the other side a loving welcome awaits you!! Your earthly journey now complete, expect rewards of hugs, kisses, and unconditional love! It's a true welcome home. A time for rest and rejuvenation, particularly if there was a major illness involved. You will find peace and pure joy enveloping you.

A Council of Elders along with your guides await your Life Review; a loving evaluation of what paths you traveled while on earth. It is not a judgement! All the while, Divine's unconditional love fills your spirit.

You may ask." How do you know these things? Is this true? Have you seen this?"

Through a Past Life Regression and a procedure called Life In Between Lives (a session involving Hypnotherapy) I, like many others, have seen the other side. Shot and killed in my most recent past life, the scene unfolded as I hovered and looked over my lifeless body, the person that took my life and the crowd that had gathered around me.

Turning my head I saw a bright white light with a royal blue tinge. I knew it was time to journey home. Walking through the light for me was akin to walking on a beautiful beach at three in the morning. Feeling a gentle breeze on my face, I basked in the warmth of pure love, calmness, and peace. Intertwined with voices of loved ones, were the gentle, rolling sounds of the ocean waves; once again, welcoming me home.

I have also had the privilege of speaking to a few people that have had near death experiences. They were very helpful in validating what I have seen through meditation

Everyone's experience is unique to them. Yet the light is always there, guiding us; as is the eternal unconditional love of the Divine.

Thus death is not to be feared or misunderstood; it is not the end of all things. Death is nothing more than a small part of the journey we all must travel; a starting point to the soul's next step toward the Divine. The physical body decays; the soul is eternal; returning home to be with loved ones and the Divine Creator. Embrace the journey!! There is no Hell in which to spend everlasting damnation.

As for those who have just lost loved ones or for those who have loved ones at the end stage of life it is a grief stricken time. Try to remember the separation is temporary. Those in pain on earth, close their eyes; awakening to renewed health and unconditional love. As our loved ones cross over their love for us does not die, it is limitless and ever increasing.

Chapter Three

Diagnosis

As a family member, you probably knew for many months something was terribly wrong with your loved one. There were probably numerous doctors visits, endless medical tests and many nights of worry and the thought patterns of "what if". Instinctively as a family you knew that the tests results would not be good.

The medical lab reports have come back and a subsequent discussion with the medical specialist indicates that the illness is terminal!

As a family member helping a friend or a loved one, yes you knew something was wrong, but this news is shocking, almost mind blowing.

In respect to Wayne's illness we both knew what was coming before the doctor's diagnosis. It does not matter how much a person knows, the news is still a shock.

As a family, each person handles the news differently; in their own way. If your family is accustomed to openly communicating their feelings, it may be a tad easier discussing the illness and all of the what if's that come with it.

For very introverted families each one retreat to their own little world to absorb the information, emotions and feelings remain bottled up. Thus, they manifest their own physical and emotional symptoms, causing more concern to family and friends.

Household Changes

With a terminal diagnosis, normalcy within the family ceases to exist. Daily hospital visits are the new normality. Suddenly one partner is ill while the other juggles work and home along with new found and unfamiliar emotions

The healthy partner wants to spend as much time as they can with the ailing loved one. Perhaps he can get a leave of absence from his job – (this would depend on the company and its policies)

Get Outside Help

All information given applies to any family member, spouse or friend that is a support system for someone that has a terminal illness. The term "Dad" is used for simplification purposes.

1. Consider family counselling. Raw nerves; stressed-out. dad, children clinging to the only parent available at home. It is no wonder a spouse of ordinarily good nature is somewhat ill-mannered. Tempers are bound to flare. Sometimes all you want to do is cry. Do it. Crying can be very cathartic

2. For the interim, find someone to clean and grocery shop.

3. If your loved one is at home hire a home care nurse. Although humanly possible, do not attempt to take responsibility for all the full care of your loved one. It might be humanly possible but NOT humanly responsible to take on this duty alone. You will burn-out.

(If the patient has cancer, have someone look into what provisions the Cancer Society makes for helping the patients. In some cases they provide transportation to and from hospital visits. Consult with them!!!)

(Also have someone look into what the local CCAC (Community Care Access Centre) can provide. Delegating this research to someone else is okay as people want to help.

4. If nothing more can be done once all medical avenues are explored, then access your community hospice care. Unfortunately death is something that cannot be denied. People who work in hospices are experts who help the terminally ill to die with dignity.

Families leave this step as the very last resort – By looking into hospice care the family has to acknowledge the probability of the inevitable passing. This is not easy.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Grief and Hope—The Journey to Serenityby Ann Ragobar Copyright © 2012 by Dr Ann Ragobar. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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