This story chronicles the life and struggles of a young woman who grew up in a rural community in coastal North Carolina. She turns challenges into opportunities after one powerful dream in which her deceased grandfather came to encourage her to "go back to school." When the dream occurred, she had dropped out of college after one year, got married, was the mother of a two-year old child and pregnant with a second child. She was in her mid-twenties at the time and was also dealing with the effects of a failing marriage. She had no concrete plans for her future and was fully aware that the future of her family was resting on her shoulders. She knew that if her children were to have lives with love and security, she would be responsible for providing them. While this was daunting to her, she knew that she had to move beyond these limiting thoughts and feelings; make and implement plans for her family to ensure their future. With her Grandfather's encouragement in the dream, she had the courage to do what needed to be done to make this happen and she did go back and finish school as she promised. Inspite of all of the challenges that she faced, she preservered and was able to complete undergraduate and graduate degrees while working full time and caring for her children alone. This story was written to encourage others to pursue their dreams and goals and not allow the circumstances of life to stand in the way of success. If you want your life to be a particular way, you will have to put forth the time and effort to make it happen; no excuses. Wishing you much success... Dr. Amanda Graham-Jacobs

Grandpa's Hand

A Story of Struggle and TriumphBy Amanda Jacobs

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 Amanda Jacobs, Ph.D.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4389-5238-3

Contents

Introduction.....................3Prologue.........................5Chapter 1........................15Chapter 2........................24Chapter 3........................31Chapter 4........................39Chapter 5........................49Chapter 6........................55Chapter 7........................61Chapter 8........................69Chapter 9........................77Chapter 10.......................84Chapter 11.......................91Chapter 12.......................98Chapter 13.......................106Chapter 14.......................113Chapter 15.......................123Chapter 16.......................132Chapter 17.......................139Chapter 18.......................147Chapter 19.......................154Chapter 20.......................163Chapter 21.......................169Chapter 22.......................176Chapter 23.......................183Chapter 24.......................190Epilogue.........................198

Chapter One

I had a dream-a real dream. I was in a deep sleep, something I rarely did lately. Since the beginning of the pregnancy with my second child, I had difficulty sleeping. My Grandpa Shue, who had died five years earlier, came to me in the dream. He shook me gently and said, "See here Chris,-my name is Amanda Christine and my family called me "Christine" in public and "Monk" at home. Grandpa always called me "Chris"- wake up now. I need to tell you something." I said, "Grandpa, I am so sleepy, and I don't want to talk now." He said, "This won't take long; it's important. Wake up now so that I can talk to you." I said, "OK, Grandpa but please hurry and tell me what you want to say because I am so tired."

Grandpa Shue placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "See here Chris, I want you to go back and finish school as soon as you are able." I said, "OK, Grandpa, I'll go back to school or anything else you ask, just let me go back to sleep now. I have not been sleeping well lately." Grandpa said, "That's all I wanted to tell you Chris." I said, "OK Grandpa, thanks. I am going back to sleep now."

In the next instant, realizing what had happened, I bolted upright in bed. I could still feel Grandpa's hand on my shoulder. It felt as if grandpa had really touched me and was still in the room. I could not see him, but I could feel his presence. I jumped out of bed with my hand on my shoulder and looked under the bed and all over the room for Grandpa. I started talking to him and said, "Grandpa, I know you are in here, I can't see you, but I can feel you here with me. I promise I will go back and finish school as soon as I can." At that moment, I made a commitment to myself and Grandpa Shue to complete my college education.

I lay back down but could not go back to sleep, so I continued to talk to Grandpa for a while as if he were there with me. I could still feel the essence of his spirit there. I told him I really did plan to go back to school one day, but I did not know when or how I would do it. I said, "I have one child and another on the way, and I am in a marriage that has not worked from the beginning." I told him that my husband, Jerome, was rarely home, and when he was there, we were either arguing or not speaking. He was a bully and often threatened me.

I also told Grandpa that I had no idea how I would manage the responsibilities of taking care of two young children while completing my education-without money or support from my husband. Somehow, I was reassured by the message that came to me next. I thought that it might have come from Grandpa. The message was, "You take one step and he'll take two on your behalf." Grandpa was talking about God and his constant presence in our lives. I said, "OK Grandpa" and fell back to sleep immediately.

This experience with Grandpa Shue is what I call a defining moment. These are times in our lives when something happens that completely alters the course of our lives by the mere fact that it has happened. We cannot go back and change it, and our lives will never be the same. In a sense, these moments determine the way our lives will play out from that point forward.

The next morning when I awoke, the first thought that came to my mind was the dream I had about Grandpa Shue. It was still very fresh in my mind. I touched my shoulder and thought about the kind of person my grandpa was.

He had a bald head and only one tooth in his mouth. His nose was shaped like a question mark, with a curve at the tip. He walked with a limp because his right leg had been broken when he was younger. He had many names-his mother named him Henry Fletcher Lacewell, his friends and children called him Pokey, and his grandchildren called him Grandpa Shue.

He answered to all of these names and never had an issue with what people called him. He simply did not allow himself to get attached to these small matters. He knew who he was and was quite satisfied with himself.

He never allowed worry to occupy his mind, unless it involved his family. He loved God and enjoyed his life. He was a fisherman by trade and earned his living that way. He was quite literate and a great speller. He read frequently, usually the Bible and on rare occasions the local newspaper. He did not bother with the affairs of others or most world events. He saw this as God or someone else's business. He would tell us often, "Don't forget to pray."

This was my grandpa, and he really valued an education. I knew then that somehow I would find a way to reenroll and complete my education. I had dropped out of college after completing my freshman year at a southern teacher's college, and I got married to my high school boyfriend, Jerome, at the age of eighteen. We moved to Brooklyn, New York and had our first child two years later. Now, almost three years later, I was pregnant again.

I was sure that Grandpa wanted the best for me. He died during my first year of college. Just before he died, he wrote letters to his three older grandchildren-me, my sister Sara, and our cousin Marie-who were all enrolled in the same college. He told each of us how proud he was and encouraged each of us to stay in school. He also reminded us, "Don't forget to pray." We were the first generation in the family to go to college. I kept my letter from Grandpa, and I sometimes still read it when I need encouragement.

Before the visit from grandpa in my dream, I did not have a clue how to make my life work or accomplish my educational goals. I was not even sure what my goals were. I was overwhelmed with my life-especially the marriage. I often wondered if circumstances would improve and, if not, how I could provide safety, nurturing, support, and all the other things my children would need, without a husband. I was only sure about one thing: I would continue to give them my love. The rest of the picture was quite fuzzy.

My mama, Laura, called me three days after the dream and asked me to go to a military hospital outside of Philadelphia to support my brother Bo. He was in the army and had been admitted as a patient at the hospital. He had been drafted in 1964 and was stationed at a base in New Jersey. Mama told me I should go and spend time with Bo, talk to the doctors, and see how he was doing because I was living closer to him than anyone else in the family. Mama said she was too busy with the farm to leave home at that time, which was during the early summer.

I told Mama I would be glad to go and check on Bo, but I was not feeling very well. Mama said, "I have had seven children, and you are only pregnant with your second child. You children complain about everything as soon as anything happens. Suppose you had as many children as I have had." I said, "OK, I will go and check on Bo."

I felt guilty because I did not feel like going but had promised Mama I would visit my brother. I decided that if no one else in the family could go to visit Bo, I needed to be there for him. I thought to myself that no one should be alone when they are sick and confined to a hospital bed. This is one of those times when a family's love and presence are really needed.

Bo was scheduled to have major surgery that same day. He had been having difficulty breathing, especially when he was lying down or playing sports. He went to the doctor with this complaint, and the test results revealed that he had a cyst growing behind his heart, which was pushing against his trachea and interfering with his breathing. The doctor told him the cyst was about the size of a grapefruit and needed to be removed immediately.

Marie had left college the same time I had. She was married with a family of her own, and they also lived in Brooklyn, New York. I called Marie to tell her what was happening and asked if my daughter, Valarie, could stay with her while I was away. Marie agreed to do this, although she had just had a baby herself, but her mother, Aunt Dursey, was there to help her during that time.

I began to prepare for the trip, and it took all of my energy to pack clothes for Valarie and me, take her to Marie's house, take the subway to the bus terminal in New York City, and then take a bus from New York to Philadelphia. I simply had to force myself to do what needed to be done, even though I was in pain-both physically and emotionally.

Before leaving home, I made arrangements to spend the night with an aunt, Betty, in Philadelphia. When I arrived at Betty's house, we went into the kitchen to have something to eat. It was June, and the weather was unusually hot for that time of the year. Betty had the fans going to keep the house as cool as possible.

Betty was an excellent cook, just like her sister. She had prepared a meal of turkey wings, collard greens, and macaroni and cheese. She put a plate in front of me with more than adequate portions that looked delicious. She said, "Now you're eating for two, so eat all of your food."

I tried to eat, but I was exhausted and in a great deal of pain. I picked at the food because I did not want to insult my aunt. A guest who did not eat all of their food created one of the greatest insults that could be visited upon a southern woman. You were expected to eat heartily and let the host know how much you appreciated and enjoyed the meal. A typical reaction went beyond simply being insulted-your behavior was also reported to your parents, regardless of your age, if you did not follow these rules. Then your parents would speak to you about being rude and remind you that "you had been raised better than that," the next time they spoke to you.

What a dilemma! Here I was committing a cardinal sin-not eating as if I enjoyed the meal. Aunt Betty sat right there watching me and fussing about the way I picked at the food. Betty commented that she would let Mama know how I was behaving. "Eating like a finicky cat, and here you are pregnant."

I told her that I was not feeling well and had been having back pains for more than a week now. I then told her that the food was delicious, and I thanked her for taking the time to cook it and for allowing me to stay at her house. Aunt Betty stopped fussing when I complained about the pains and said I needed to get some rest.

Betty cleared the table and took me upstairs to get ready for bed. She showed me where the bathroom was, and I went in to shower and change for bed. When I came out of the bathroom, I noticed that Betty was taking some new sheets out of a package to put on the bed. I was touched by this gesture because I knew Betty was struggling financially with her large family of six children, one of them severely handicapped. My thought was that Betty had sacrificed to ensure my comfort by spending her hard-earned money on new sheets. Aunt Betty worked in a sewing factory as a "piece worker." Her wages were derived from the finished garments that she produced, and she was paid by the number of pieces she completed each week.

I told Aunt Betty that it was not necessary for her to go to the trouble of buying new sheets for me. Betty said, "That's no problem, I needed some new sheets anyway." I helped her change the sheets and get the bed ready, and I thanked her again for her hospitality. Aunt Betty said, "You are family, and this is the way family is supposed to be treated."

She then reminded me that this was the first time I had ever come to visit her in "all of these years living so close." I agreed and promised to come more often. My thought was that Betty did not have a clue how difficult my life had been since I left the protective fold of my family almost five years earlier.

I did not bother to explain because I knew from overhearing my parents' conversations that Aunt Betty's life had been quite painful with the "sorry husband who was a drunk and rarely at home to help with her six children." We said good night to each other, and I got in the freshly-made bed with the new sheets, but I was unable to sleep that night because I was worried about my brother, and I was in pain, which appeared to be getting worse. I tossed and turned all night.

The next morning after a light breakfast of coffee and toast, Aunt Betty and I took a train from Philadelphia to the hospital to visit Bo. The ride was quite bumpy, and I was in pain during the entire trip. When we got to the hospital, I went into Bo's room. He looked at me and started to cry. He grabbed my hand and held onto it as if he would never let go. He said that he was relieved someone in the family cared enough to come see him. I kept silently reminding myself to "Be strong, and don't let him see you cry. He is already upset, so you don't want to upset him more."

The surgery had already been performed, and I looked at my brother with tubes in his nose and attached to several parts of his body. Fluid from his body was draining into bags attached to the tubes. I offered words of encouragement and talked to him as long as I could without breaking down. Then I told Bo I had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. He was afraid to let me go, and I could see the doubt in his eyes. I thought to myself, "He thinks I am not coming back, and he does not want to be alone." I reassured him that I would be back as soon as I went to the bathroom. He reluctantly released my hand, and I left the room. Aunt Betty was standing behind us observing and listening to the conversation, and she went to Bo's bedside to console him when I left the room.

I was only able to make it into the hallway just outside Bo's room before I broke down and sobbed with all of my being. I cried so much that I could hardly make it to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, a nurse came by and asked me, "Are you OK? Do you need anything?" I told the nurse that it was a shock to see my brother in his condition, and this was upsetting for me. She noticed that I was pregnant and told me I needed to stay as calm as possible for the sake of my unborn child.

I asked her if it would be possible to speak to the doctor. She took me to the nurse's station and asked the doctor who was there to talk to me. The doctor assured me that things looked much worse than they really were and that my brother would be fine. He said, "He is young and strong and is recovering remarkably well considering he just underwent major surgery a few hours ago. I am glad you are here because he needs and misses his family now."

I went back to the bathroom to wash my face and get myself together before going back into Bo's room, which really took some courage. When I went back, Aunt Betty had managed to calm him down, and they were talking casually.

When Bo saw me come back into the room, he said, "What took you so long? I thought you were gone." I said, "I promised you I would be back, and I'm back. Now tell me how you are doing and about your surgery." He gave me all of the gory details, and I started to feel faint. He told me that the cyst was benign, and he only had to deal with recovery now. I told Bo that the doctor had reassured me he would be fine. He was surprised that I had talked to the doctor.

I kept mentally encouraging myself and somehow got through this visit without passing out. What a sight we were. Two injured souls being there for each other. He asked about the family, and I told him that everyone was fine as far as I knew. I told him that Mama wanted to come, but she needed to stay at home and help with the farm. He said he knew this was a busy time for the family and that he understood.

When Bo asked me how long I was staying, it took me a while to explain why I had to leave that night and would not be back the next day. He finally made a brave attempt to understand when I told him I had to get back to Valarie. I also explained that I was not feeling well. He agreed to let me go. Bo asked me to get his wallet and tried to give me some money. I thanked him and told him that I had enough money, and he should keep it for himself. The truth was that I was almost broke, but I couldn't accept money from my brother while he was so sick. Aunt Betty assured him that she would be coming back to see him regularly and would be there to support him. This made both Bo and me feel better.

Chapter Two

I went back to Aunt Betty's house, got my overnight bag, said good-bye, and her son Alfonza took me back to the bus station in Philadelphia. From there, I took a bus back to New York City, a subway back to Brooklyn, and walked the four blocks to my apartment. When I got home, it was about 2:00 am, and my husband was not at home. I went to the bathroom, and it was then that I saw the blood-I was spotting and cramping. I sat and prayed for a few minutes then decided to go to the emergency room at a local hospital.

I called Marie to tell her I was on my way to the hospital, and then I called a taxi and went to the hospital. When I got there, it was about 3:30 am, and I had never felt more alone in my life. I thought to myself that people should not be alone at difficult times in their lives-they needed loved ones to be with them to provide support. My next thought was, "I know that God and Grandpa Shue's spirit are here with me, and I will get through this." I talked to myself a lot-still do. It is my personal emergency kit.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Grandpa's Handby Amanda Jacobs Copyright © 2009 by Amanda Jacobs, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission.
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