"The Cheerleader" (A Man's Story)

Many moons ago, a man was in a Houston airport when he met a young hottie named Jan. He really wasn't that into her at first because she was a spunky, pep-squad-type, but she kept talking to him. He began to notice her beautiful violet eyes, so he asked for her number and called her once he got home. They talked on the phone a few times and opened up to each other, eventually deciding to get together.

He found out she was a big Dallas Cowboys fan. He wasn't into football anymore, and even at that time he was starting to lose interest, but she was really excited about football and even flew down to Dallas for home games. She lived in Phoenix and the Cowboys were going to play there, so he figured that if she got worked up at those games, it might make a good weekend date. He agreed to fly down on a Sunday morning to meet her, and they would stay at a hotel near the stadium overnight, with his return on Monday.

The flight to Phoenix was fine. Soon after arrival, he met up with Jan and her friends, enjoying a few Bloody Mary's at the pregame party. At that point, with a light buzz assisting the poorly matched couple, he was starting to enjoy being with Jan and was anticipating the rest of the weekend's activities. She suddenly excused herself from the party because she said she had to get ready for the game and told him to pick her up at their hotel room in half an hour. This is when things got weird.

After about forty-five minutes, he knocked on the hotel room door, and when it opened, there stood a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader! Actually, it was Jan, but she was decked out in an authentic uniform bearing a silver-and-blue-painted face to boot. Really, her face was silver with huge blue stars. He realized some guys might find this incredibly cool, and even he, in private situations, would appreciate a woman dressing up, but he was not even close to being dressed in this manner, and there was no freaking way he was going to take her out in front of one hundred thousand people like that! She was already heading out the door when he regained his power of speech and told her to take that get-up off, and put on something nice. Then she got defensive, claiming she was a real fan and always dressed up for the game because she loved it. So he compromised and said she could wear the makeup or the dress but not both. She changed out of her cheerleader outfit and went with the face painting, which sucked because he knew it would get all over him by the end of the night.

Once they arrived at the game, they located her friends who, sure enough, were all dressed up too. She started complaining and crying to them about how he didn't let her wear her complete costume. He ignored her and tried to have a good time anyway. After the game ended, Jan and her girlfriends wanted him to take them out to a club downtown. He hadn't realized it was a strip club where the players go after the games. Normally, he doesn't mind strip clubs, but Jan's friends all started hitting on the players, giving them lap dances. He realized they were all just pro-athlete groupies, including his date, Jan. She began acting all moody because she was missing out on the action, and he was also feeling left out because he wasn't getting any attention. So they got into a big fight, and he left her there, never seeing her again. Grateful for first impressions, he recalled his impression of her, vowing to listen to his gut the first go around: once a peppy girl, always a cheerleader-wannabe!

"Harass-Man" (A Woman's Story)

A girl had dated a guy years ago. She heard from him after a recent break-up and decided to entertain the idea of hanging out with him again. After all, he was well-endowed, and it had been a month since her last sexual encounter. They enjoyed several dates together, recalling their previous experiences and eventually hit the sheets. Just as she remembered, he was a lousy lover but managed to really satisfy her deeply. After a few days, he suggested she meet him at his condo so they could walk up to a nearby restaurant as the weather was to be gorgeous. She consented and met him, just in time to witness him pour a drink and down it before she could get off the elevator. He had obviously been drinking, and he seemed to be happy and feeling great. He was holding her hand and was walking with her closely, talking about taking her on a cruise and to his family cabin, all while occasionally standing to walk over and kiss her during dinner. After a nice meal, they made plans to drop off the leftovers to his condo and walk over to another restaurant for a specialty drink, but he changed his mind without notice.

After leaving his condo, they walked to a different bar known as a "Members Only" venue. He was trying to impress her, and through his efforts, he was willing to humiliate himself and his date if necessary, no matter the cost. Upon their arrival, he boldly stated, "I'm a friend of Pauly, the bartender, so let him know I'm here." The hostess just looked at him and waved for the manager. The manager greeted them, and after the guy stated again who he was, the manager excused himself to inquire within if the bartender knew him. When the manager disappeared, the guy proceeded to let his clueless date in on his plan: his bartender buddy once had a construction deal with him that fell through, and he owed him one. He also felt that the guys had a falling-out due to the faulty deal, so they could possibly use this night as an opportunity to make things right, despite her pleas of wanting to leave due to the awkwardness of the situation. She had the feeling that the bartender was now offended at her date's unnerving assumption that he would be let in and that he would even want to talk to him about things, as he was busy working. Just as she felt she had gotten through to him about letting things lie with the bartender, the manager emerged from the back and informed him, "I'm sorry to inform you, but Pauly is busy and cannot come out to talk to you, maybe another time." He said it so politely but he really meant, "Sorry, jerk, but Pauly doesn't want to see you or deal with your dumbass tonight. He is working!" She picked up on the sticky air that was all around, and her date responded, "Well, to hell with you guys then, and to hell with you!" And with that, the guy grabbed his date's hand and led her out of the private club entrance, as if she were supporting his behavior and decision to go there to begin with, as if he had a right to be mad or something. Mortified, she held his hand only until they made it out of the door, and then she dropped his hand out of disgust and disbelief. Not only was her date drunk and belligerent, but now he was harassing a guy trying to work just to impress her. Needless to say, she was not impressed at all.

As they walked away from the building, he began dialing frantically on his cell phone, and after a few seconds he began screaming obscenities into his phone, telling off Pauly on a message. Without warning, her physical body took over, literally turned her away from his path and led her to her parked car a few meters from where they were walking. Relieved once she arrived at her car and wondering how she got up the nerve to leave his side, he realized she was about to leave and sprinted across the breezeway to say, "Hey, you can't leave. What are you doing?" She opened her car door, climbed inside, and said simply, "This date is over. I mean, is this your idea of a good date?" With that, she drove home crying and frustrated at how strange things had ended with him, not knowing what hell was to come in the next twenty-four hours.

Out of mere pride and humiliation for being denied at the private club and now his date leaving him, he decided to take it all out on her, texting her nonstop. He also called her, leaving awful messages, calling her every name in the book in one message, and then apologizing in the next, stating ridiculous things like, "I love you, baby. Come back. I will make it up to you." The psycho was incapable of letting things lie and called every hour on the hour, until she finally answered the phone in the morning threatening, "If you don't stop texting me or calling me, I will file charges against you for harassment. And if you don't stop there, you will leave me no choice but to get a restraining order against you and with your DUI, you know that would ruin you." She tried to give him a chance to sober up and recognize what he was doing to keep from getting into trouble, but this idiot didn't stop until she actually called the police and filed a police report against him. Eventually, he stopped calling and texting, bringing her relief. He sent a text one week later asking, "Are we ever going to get back together?" Freaking psycho!

"Friends for Life" (A Man's Story)

A single man was on Adult Friend Finder when he met her, a single woman from Panama City Beach, Florida, and thinks to himself, "Why not?!" They began chatting online, exchanging questionable photos, which allowed him to determine that she was, in fact, doable. Soon after, he had business in Florida, so he made arrangements to visit her. He checked in early at the Bay Point Marriott and ate lunch at a nearby hotspot hangout, anticipating his debauchery later that evening. He arranged to pick her up from her apartment where she surprisingly met him outside of the complex, which he thought was a little odd. Turns out she did that because she had five children inside her apartment that she didn't want him to find out prior to their hot date. When he first saw her, he realized that she didn't accurately reflect her profile picture and was disappointed.

They dined at a moderately upscale seafood and steak restaurant in the area, and he thought he would change the mood by ordering a decent bottle of white wine. Despite the wine buzz, the gap between their social skills and educational background became quite evident. Also, he took note that after she drank her glass of wine, she ordered a Bud Light, sticking with beer for the rest of the evening. She proved herself to be a backwoods-redneck, unable to hold up her end of the conversation with him. It was clear they had nothing in common except for the upcoming bedroom scene.

After dinner and dessert, he wasn't very interested in her but figured he had invested so much time already that he would see the rest of the date through. They drove back to the resort and assumed the rest of the night would be dedicated to what they originally sought to accomplish, a hot night of lovin'. All went as expected, as they piled into bed and proceeded to get it on. Two hours later, he obviously stirred something up when her period just let go, as copious amounts of blood were evident on his body and hers, now getting all over the sheets. It looked like a crime scene, turning the both of them off, and she was mortified. She quickly got up and cleaned herself as much as possible. Realizing she had no ammunition for the situation, she went down to the gift shop to buy supplies. Upon her return, he had cleaned up the scene as much as possible, and they retired to bed, snuggling until morning.

The morning brought awkwardness, so he suggested the breakfast buffet downstairs, and they promptly left the hotel room. Upon entering the dining area, the concierge inquired, "Mr. and Mrs. [blank], how was your stay in the hotel?" Disturbed at how much she liked that, he mustered to the concierge, "Everything was fine. Thank you." He suffered through breakfast, offering to take her home. After she was dropped off, all was fine, no big deal. He thought the torture had ended, realizing it was a mistake. One hour after dropping her off, she sent him a text saying that she had just lost her job as a Buccaneer Inn housekeeper, and she needs money to feed her five children. He politely refused and responded, "Good luck to you." To this day, he receives a text from her every six weeks saying "Hey, sweetie. I could really use some money to help feed my children." He didn't realize that finding this friend would be making a friend for life.

"Mistaken Identity, Part One" (A Woman's Story)

A model-turned-bartender was duly employed at an Atlanta nightclub, Opera, where she worked several late nights a week. On a particular Thursday evening, a popular deejay was spinning at the club, and the bar was slammed. She was socializing with several men at the bar. One, in particular, caught her eye, and she gave him her phone number. Coincidentally, there were other suitors bellied up at the bar, but she hardly noticed them. She did find another man interesting but considered him just a potential friend and gave him her number as well. As the night progressed, she grew more and more anxious if the new guy she talked to would call her, as only time and chivalry would tell.

A few days later, she received a text, eloquently written in the same manner she recalled from the guy she was interested in from the nightclub, but she forgot his name. Too embarrassed to ask, she just agreed to meet him for dinner one upcoming night. She suggested Miller Union, a trendy restaurant across town. Her closet was nearly strip-searched for the perfect dress to wear for her special date.

Upon her arrival at the restaurant, she thought she would wait for him at the bar, so she ordered a martini. There were a few random patrons also waiting at the bar, all of whom she didn't recognize. Impatiently, she sent him a text asking, "I'm at the bar. Are you here yet?" His immediate response was, "Yes, I'm here." She replied anxiously, "Why don't you come and get me then!" In about ten seconds, she was tapped on the shoulder by a middle-aged black man sporting a white turtleneck who said, "Hey, Corey. How are you?" Shocked by the drastic difference in the man she was expecting but also too embarrassed to say anything that may hurt this man's feelings, she responded, "Hey, you! I'm doing well! It's so good to see you." He suggested they get a table inside so they could eat dinner. She closed her tab and reluctantly followed the stranger into the dining room, unsure of what the night would entail at that point as she had no clue how she knew this man.

They enjoyed talking over dinner and many drinks, generally having a good time. But even after several hours of the date, she still didn't know the man's name or how she knew him. She asked probing questions like, "Where are you from?" and "Who is your ex-girlfriend?" thinking the answers may jog her memory to make the connection, but the answers she needed never came. When the check arrived, and he placed his credit card on the check presenter, she was hoping to catch a glimpse of his name from his card. Unfortunately, it said, "Preferred Customer of Wells Fargo" instead. Noticing her looking at his card, he commented, "Yeah, I forgot to retrieve my debit card from the ATM, so I have a temporary card until the bank mails me a new one."

Embarrassed that she still didn't know his name and unsure of what to say during her departure, she said, "Well, thank you for dinner. It was so nice to see you, and I hope to hear from you again soon." They hugged each other, and she left the restaurant, walking briskly to her car to leave this awkward moment. It wasn't until one week later that he sent her a follow-up text, checking in and wanting to keep in touch. She responded, "Hey, I lost my phone and all the numbers in it. Who is this?" Finally, he issued his name, and she vaguely recalled meeting a guy at the bar with that name, thinking even then that he would make a good friend rather than date. She wished it were the other guy who she also issued her number to that evening, instead chalking it up as a classic mistaken identity.

"The Messy Hookup" (A Man's Story)

A guy decided to hit the hay early because he was tired and had to work in the morning. Just as he laid his head on his pillow, his friend, Rick, called saying, "Hey man, come to a party with me!" The exhausted guy declined, "Nah, man. I'm going to bed. I've got to work in the morning, but tell your girl Barbi I said hey, okay?" They hung up, and he fell asleep. A few hours later, Barbi showed up at his window, drunker than Cooter Brown and was only interested in one thing, a hookup!

The guy welcomed her arrival despite the late hour and her state of mind, and they immediately began making out. Barbi reached over to turn out his bedside lamp, removed her panties and tampon, and threw the tampon over her shoulder. Then she went down on him, evidently spitting out her bubble gum in a mysterious place. Eventually, he convinced her that they should go to sleep, as he had to work in a few hours. After only two hours of sleep, his alarm startled him awake. He reluctantly got up and stumbled grumpily into the bathroom to urinate, only to discover the location of the missing bubble gum, which was now stuck to his pubic hair. Irritated, he had to cut it out, which left a funny looking bald spot in the midst of a once perfectly groomed patch. He tried waking her up many times and was successful after thirty minutes, offering, "Hey, I have to take you home before work, so let's go or I will be late!"