CHAPTER 1
FADE IN:
INT. GERMANY—FRANKFURT AIRPORT—DAY
INSERT—DEPARTURE BOARD
Located in the main terminal, updates flights on computer screen.
AIRPLANE PILOTS and STEWARDESSES walk by rolling their luggage bags behind them.
Various nationalities pass by the board: an INDIAN in a turban, a MUSLIM woman in a robe with THREE CHILDREN, STUDENTS with backpacks and skis, two ARMY GENERALS in uniform, a tall BLACK MAN with a giant afro, MOSES carrying the Tabernacle, a BUSINESSMAN with a computer case, a HUSBAND AND WIFE with a CHILD, more BUSINESSMEN and BUSINESSWOMEN all briskly go by as the board changes, updating flight, flight number, destination, gate number, flight time and boarding status.
EXT. CHICAGO—SKYSCRAPER—DAY
PEOPLE on their way to work stream by the CAMERA.
INSERT—LARGE BRASS PLAQUE ON BUILDING READS: "BOLTZ FOODS, INC."
INT. BOLTZ BUILDING LOBBY—CONTINUING
CAMERA follows stream of workers through the building's lobby, which has a display of big photos of various snacks, boxes of crackers, cookies, snack pies, nuts, chips, etc. A statue of a large pretzel is prominently located at one side of lobby.
LOBBY ELEVATOR
EMPLOYEES in business suits and attire, carrying attaché cases, enter the elevator. The elevator door closes.
ELEVATOR NUMBER PANEL
Floor numbers light up as elevator goes to 40th floor.
40TH FLOOR
INSERT—SIGN ON DOOR READS: "RESTRICTED ENTRY, RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT DEPARTMENT NON—PRESERVATIVES AND ADDITIVES SECTION"
INT. LABORATORY—DAY
SPARKY GRISWALD is at laboratory bench mixing ingredients in a blender. He dips his finger into a mixing bowl.
SPARKY
"Ah!"
He adds yeast.
He walks over to oven and turns it on.
LABORATORY ASSISTANT in a white coat walks by the blender, looks at it, puts more yeast in and walks on.
Sparky adjusts an oven dial. He then walks back to the blender, looks at mixture and puts more yeast in. He takes a ladle and dabs cookie mixture on the tray.
INSERT—SIGN ON TRAY READS: "EXPERIMENTAL COOKIE SHEET"
J.W. BOLTZ, Chairman and CEO of Boltz Foods, in three-piece dark suit with gold chain across vest, and CHARLEY GOODFELLOW, Marketing Vice President, enter.
BOLTZ
Griswald, a moment of your time.
SPARKY
Hi, J.W., Charley.
Sparky slides the tray into the oven.
BOLTZ
Griswald, the world is growing smaller. Our market isn't the U.S. Our center isn't here in Chicago. Our market is the world.
SPARKY
Absolutely, J.W., whatever you say. But what does that have to do with Boltz Foods?
CHARLEY
What J.W.'s saying, Sparky, is that we've got to get out there and sell our products to the world. That's where the growth is. That's where our customers are. That's where the real market is.
BOLTZ
Our research leads us to believe that the same good taste and nutrition of Boltz that Americans have enjoyed for half a century will appeal to the people of countries everywhere.
CHARLEY
What J.W.'s saying, Griswald, is that Boltz Foods has to expand. Your Cap'n Waldo's Crunch formulation is ideal for international markets. We want to introduce our cookie line, which is more superior, healthy, nutritious and tasty than the local brands. R&D knows the product in and out. You can speak to the healthy wholesomeness and the unique ingredients in a Boltz cookie. We want to team you with our best salesman and grab a position in the global market.
BOLTZ
We can't let our Japanese competitors get ahead of us; they're already selling a cheap knock-off in the U.S. It affects our balance of payments. What's good for Boltz is good for the U.S.
CHARLEY
What J.W.'s saying, Griswald is you're going global. You and Archie MacDonald, Boltz's number one million-dollar-a-year salesman, are going out into the world to bring back a ton of orders. Report to the Travel Department. They'll give you your itinerary and everything you need. Go home and pack your bags.
BOLTZ
Good luck, Griswald. We'll expect your report in a month.
J.W. and Charley exit.
CLOSE UP OF SPARKY watching them leave.
He turns back to the laboratory bench.
INSERT—SPARKY'S FACE WITH EYES WIDE OPEN
LABORATORY SPARKY'S P.O.V.—
A large mountain of cookie dough pushing THREE SCIENTISTS ahead of it comes rushing toward him.
Sparky opens the door and dashes out of the laboratory.
INT. CORRIDOR—CONTINUING
Sparky stands with his back braced against door.
SPARKY
"Whew."
Dough seeps through the door's top, bottom and sides.
The door falls on top of Sparky and dough and people flood out in corridor.
EXT. SUBURBS—GRISWALD HOUSE—NIGHT
DINNING ROOM
Sparky, RUSTY, Sparky's teenage son, and AUDREY, his teenage daughter, are sitting at the dinner table. ELLEN, Sparky's wife, is clearing the table of dishes. Sparky is heavily engaged in reading travel books and maps.
SPARKY
The world, Rusty, is getting to be a smaller place. Five billion people, Rusty, all potential customers for Cap'n Waldo's Crunchy Cookies—the non-preservative, non-additive healthy alternative.
AUDREY
It's exciting, Dad, to see the world.
FRONT YARD—TREE
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN sits in a tree branch watching the Griswald family through binoculars.
Rusty, Ellen, Sparky, Audrey seen in the glow of lighted window through the binocular lenses.
INT. DINING ROOM—CONTINUING
SPARKY
Japan, to Western Europe, to Russia, to Latin America. They all speak the same language, Rusty: a friendly smile and the desire for healthy superior American cookies, Cap'n Waldo, the healthy alternative. It's a global market these days.
AUDREY
But Dad, everyone in those countries speaks a different language.
SPARKY
Nothing to worry about, Audrey.
Puts hand on pile of foreign language books.
SPARKY (contd.)
I've been studying these foreign language books. It's so simple. You just pronounce the words. They're all spelled out in English.
AUDREY
Gee!
SPARKY picks up the book on top of pile.
INSERT—BOOK COVER READS: "GERMAN FOR TRAVELERS/ ENGLISH EDITION"
SPARKY
Here, listen to this. Frauline ordering a meal.
"Ist der schwiner gut fur shtew? Yah, yah, gut for curly cue!
He picks up another book and opens it.
He points to bowl of potatoes.
SPARKY (contd.) (to Ellen)
Let's try French.
Passez me le potatoes.
She passes a bowl of mashed potatoes to him.
He points very directly at the bread.
SPARKY (contd.)
And the pan.
She passes the bread to him.
SPARKY (contd.)
Viola! See how simple it is. Knowing the language isn't the only important thing in our little global village. You also have to know the culture of the country you're visiting. In most countries, it's expected that you give your host a gift. It's an insult not to.
AUDREY
So what kind of gifts did you get, Dad?
SPARKY
I thought something that would be real American, something you can't find overseas, something from the heartland of the good old You Ess of A that would give a foreigner real insight into America and the American character.
AUDREY
What's that, Dad?
Sparky picks up a plastic bag from the side of the table and pulls out a baseball cap with moose antlers on it.
ELLEN
Sparky, are you sure? Maybe some candy?
RUSTY
Gosh, Dad, all those countries. I wish I could go with you.
SPARKY
Home is only a phone call away.
EXT. GRISWALD HOME—BACKYARD POOLSIDE—DAY
ARCHIE MACDONALD, Vice President of Sales for Boltz Foods, round-faced, red-faced, portly, middle-aged with a full head of dark brown curly hair. He is a happy-go-lucky guy with a good hearty laugh. JANE MACDONALD, his wife, is, like Ellen, a trim blonde Midwesterner. They are seated on lounging chairs at the side of the pool in the backyard of the Griswald's suburban home. Rusty and Audrey are diving into the pool and swimming with the MacDonald twins, Buffy and Muffy, who are teenagers, like themselves.
JANE
A whole month. We're really going to miss you guys. We wish we could go with you.
SPARKY
You read all this stuff about jet lag and germs being carried all over the planet by airplanes, and you've got wonder. It's scary. This old fellow's been around a lot, Jane, and I can tell you the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence.
ARCHIE
Now, don't be such a stick in the mud, Spark. Millions of people travel around the world every year, on business or pleasure. And nothing ever happens. As for me, this is a great way to see the world, all the cultural things we don't have here at home. The Seven Wonders of World in all their delight. The pyramids upon the Nile, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Leaning Tower of Pizza, Euro-Disney, Planet Hollywood in London. Ah, I'm telling you Spark, it broadens the horizons.
ELLEN
Now we are jealous, aren't we Jane. You two just go ahead and enjoy yourselves.
SPARKY
Hey, I have an idea! Why don't the two of you meet us in Europe? How about London? All work and no play aren't much fun. And, besides, it'll make up for that Twentieth Anniversary trip we didn't take last year because of Rusty's teeth. What do you say Arch?
ARCHIE
Well, I don' ...
JANE
What a wonderful idea! Of course, we'll do it. Right, Ellen? It's all settled.
ELLEN
But who'll watch the kids?
SPARKY
They're old enough and they're alone at home during most weekends, anyway. It'll be just for a couple of days, anyway.
ELLEN
Come on, Jane, I want to show you a dress that I think will be just perfect for London.
The women exit.
ARCHIE
Big Ben ... the Sphinx ... exotic foods ... wine ... music ... and ...
He looks over his shoulder toward the house where the women have gone. He leans forward.
ARCHIE (contd.)
(lowers voice, conspiratorially)
... women. The Follies Berges. Sparky, my lad, Moulin Rouge, the can-can. We're going to have the time of our lives.
SPARKY
Gee, I don't know. I mean Ellen ...
ARCHIE
Live a little, Sparky, old man. What Ellen doesn't know won't hurt her.
He blows a kiss in the air off the top of his fingers.
ARCHIE (contd.)
So, we've got our prospective customer list evenly divided. You take half; I'll take the other half. And then we'll rendezvous at the end of the day. I'll see you at the plane.
EXT. AIRPORT—RUNWAY—DAY
A plane takes off.
INT. AIRPORT—TICKETING AREA
Archie is wearing a loud plaid blazer, yellow slacks and white loafers. He is holding a slim attaché case. Sparky is wearing a trench coat. Multiple suitcases surround him.
ARCHIE
All set?
SPARKY
I guess.
ARCHIE
I'll see you at the gate. I'm going to get a newspaper.
SPARKY
OK.
GATE DEPARTURE AREA—LATER
Sparky is standing in line at the gate area with the trench coat on. He's to the side of the x-ray machine, where he places on the tray to the side of entranceway:
INSERT—ATTACHE CASE; BUSINESS CARD CASE; WASH N' DRY; KLEENEX; PORTABLE PHONE; BEEPER; KEYS; PENS; CREDIT CARDS; COINS; WALKMAN; FLASHLIGHT
Sparky goes through the X-ray frame.
S.O.—THE MONITOR BEEPS
A guard runs the hand-scanner up and down Sparky.
Sparky goes through the X-ray frame again.
S.O.—THE MONITOR BEEPS
Sparky is at front of X-ray frame, as he begins to remove from his coat:
INSERT—MEDICINE BOTTLES; BOOKS; MAGAZINES; MAPS; IRON; CALCULATOR; ELECTRIC TRANSLATOR; CAMERA; PORTABLE RADIO; MOSQUITO REPELLENT.
Sparky goes through the X-ray frame again.
S.O.—THE MONITOR BEEPS
The guard runs the hand-scanner up and down Sparky again.
INSERT—PLACED ON THE TRAY: CORKSCREW; PORTABLE COMPUTER; WIRES; ELECTRICAL PLUGS; VIDEO CAMERA; SUNGLASSES; BLOW UP NECK REST; MINER'S HARD HAT WITH LIGHT.
TICKETING AREA—LATER
A long line of people wait to get through the x-ray area.
INSERT—SPARKY'S HANDS as they lay out on tray: AUTOMATIC COFFEE MACHINE; HAMMER; SCREWDRIVER; WRENCH; DRILL; CHAIN SAW; CAN OF MACE; TRAVELER'S CHECKS; IRONING BOARD; UMBRELLA; ELECTRIC TOOTH BRUSH; TICKETS; PASSPORT; HAT; COAT; COAT HANGER.
SPARKY takes a HAIR DRYER out of his trench coat and smiles sheepishly at the ATTENDANT.
TICKETING AREA—LATER
A half-mile-long line snakes through airport interior from x-ray machine to the airport entrance doors.
EXT. AIRPORT—RUNWAY—DAY
The plane takes off.
INT. AIRPLANE—CABIN—CONTINUING
Sparky gets up to go to the bathroom. The PASSENGER in the aisle seat next to him climbs out of his seat and gets up in aisle to get a book out of the top luggage compartment. A bag falls out of the compartment and bounces on the passenger's open tray table, which sends a dinner roll on it flying across aisle. The roll bounces off the head of another PASSENGER across the aisle. A THIRD PASSENGER swats the roll in mid-air toward a FOURTH PASSENGER who bats it back and forth with the third passenger like at a tennis match. The roll then hits the hand of a STEWARDESS who is carrying a soda can, which falls on dinner tray of a PASSENGER. The soda can, as it hits the tray, bounces a bowl of mashed potatoes up in the air to the ceiling of the plane, where it sticks, before sliding down into the back of the dress of a STEWARDESS who is pushing a cart down aisle, and sends the cart forward from the surprise of potatoes sliding down her back. As Sparky emerges from the bathroom, he reaches for a magazine from the upper rack, the cart catches him and he falls over and on it lengthwise. It goes shooting down the aisle, with Sparky on it, SCREAMING, and crashes through the door of the pilot's cabin.
EXT. AIRPLANE—CONTINUING
The airplane, in air, takes a sharp dip.
INT. EXIT DOOR OF AIRPLANE—LATER
Crew saying farewell to passengers.
STEWARDESS ONE
"Goodbye"
STEWARDESS TWO
"So long."
STEWARDESS THREE
"Hope you had a nice flight."
Sparky is on crutches, his arm in a sling. His hat is pulled over his forehead. He looks sheepishly and furtively at the crew as he exits.
EXT. JAPAN—HOTEL NIKKO—FRONT—DAY
Cab pulls up in front of the hotel Nikko and Sparky steps out with luggage.
INT. HOTEL
DESK
SPARKY
Griswald.
RECEPTIONIST
Gweehaad. Nice have you with us, Mr. Gweehaad. Here you room key.
SPARKY
Could I exchange currency? Could you give me five hundred dollars worth of yen?
INSERT—SPARKY'S HAND PUSHING FIVE ONE HUNDRED BILLS ACROSS RECEPTION DESK.
RECEPTIONIST
Of course, Mr. Gweehaad.
INSERT—RECEPTIONIST'S HANDS HANDING BACK ENORMOUS PILE OF YEN.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, yes, Mr. Gweehaad. We have message fo' you. Here it is.
Hands message to Sparky.
LOBBY
Sparky reads message aloud to himself.
SPARKY
"Sorry not able to meet you. Wife have baby. Go to hospital. But have set up appointment with Nippon Food Cooperative. Take cab to company at 23 Ulong Street."—Benni Ha Ha, Boltz Foods Asian Representative."
THE JAPANESE COMPETITOR is sitting across lobby in a chair reading a Japanese newspaper and watching Sparky.
JAPANESE COMPETITOR'S P.O.V.—ELEVATOR DOOR
Sparky gets in the elevator.
INT. HOTEL—ROOM—NIGHT
Sparky picks up phone and calls the international operator.
INT. GRISWALD HOUSE—BEDROOM—NIGHT
Ellen is sound asleep. The phone RINGS. She grasps the receiver.
INTERCUT AS NEEDED:
ELLEN (groggily)
Hello.
SPARKY
Hi, honey, it's me. I'm in Japan.
ELLEN (looking at clock)
Uuuhhhhmmm
