Straight-Shooting Advice for Lasting Love Love and honesty form the basis of any healthy relationship. But while this book teaches you how to foster these essential qualities daily, five additional traits (the acronym FACTS) will ensure you've got a good thing going, and that it'll last! In this down-to-earth manual, author Jermaine A. Hamwright presents a unique guy's perspective, revealing his foolproof secrets for finding your ideal partner, including: Fun date ideas to forge a stronger friendship Ways to battle your Monkey Bar Fears Finding common ground in worship Using Tree Trunk Theory to build trust Choosing God over the NASCAR Urge Seeking wisdom from a Spiritual Parent Through anecdotes, Bible passages, prayer and journaling, Get the FACTS spells out how you can experience fulfilling love by putting God first. "Get the FACTS gives practical ways to build a biblically based relationship and show couples how to begin as friends. This book can be used as a manual for small groups or for a Bible study" -Chaplain Milton S. Herring, author, Mobilizing the Army of God

Get the FACTS

5 Secrets to a Healthy Christian Relationship from a Guy's-Eye ViewBy Jermaine A. Hamwright

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Jermaine A. Hamwright
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-6628-5

Contents

Questioning the Question.......................................................xvLet God In.....................................................................xviThe Basic Ingredients..........................................................xviiiYou Need the FACTS.............................................................xixHow to Navigate This Book......................................................xixThe Question Answered..........................................................xxThe Friendship Factor..........................................................1The Job Search vs. the Search for a Soul Mate..................................1That All-Important First Impression............................................3Love Needs No Résumé.................................................4Too Much Professionalism Can Kill a Promising Relationship.....................4The Danger of Too Many Demands.................................................4Does a Family Business Model Work?.............................................6Take the Pressure Off and Get to Know Each Other...............................7Don't Love Like a Candle.......................................................7Do You Remember Why You Love This Person?......................................9What Can I Do for You?.........................................................9The Right Balance of Give and Take.............................................10Friendship Cultivating Basics..................................................11Keep It Light and Keep It Fun..................................................12True Friendship Keeps You Honest...............................................13Carry Your Love Like a Flashlight..............................................15The Path to Progress...........................................................16Recharge with Appreciation.....................................................16Reach into Your Feelings.......................................................17Let Your Guard Down............................................................18Allow a Learning Curve.........................................................19Making Gentle Corrections......................................................20Be Direct and Don't Sugarcoat..................................................21Aim for a Level of Constancy...................................................21Affirm Early and Often.........................................................22This Little Light of Mine......................................................23Affirmation in Action..........................................................24The Joy of Reciprocity.........................................................24The Next Step..................................................................25In the Beginning...............................................................26Assuming, Not Communicating....................................................26The Mind-Reading Myth..........................................................27Where Do You Stand?............................................................28Recognizing Poor Communication.................................................28What's Really Going On?........................................................30How to Avoid the Guessing Game.................................................31The Dangers of "Always" and "Never"............................................32Using "I" Statements...........................................................33Don't Hold It In...............................................................33Professional Outlets...........................................................34Learning to Be a Good Listener.................................................35What's Behind the Pain?........................................................37When to Walk Away..............................................................38Bring Back the Romance.........................................................38Be Intentionally Kind..........................................................39Ease into the Relationship.....................................................40Know When to Compromise........................................................41Remember to Practice Respect...................................................42Paving the Way for Trust: Tree Trunk Theory....................................43Trust Is Kid's Stuff...........................................................44Trust Is Not Optional..........................................................45It Begins with Honesty.........................................................45The Mistrust-Insecurity Link...................................................46Trust Can Be Built.............................................................47Ease the Pressure by Creating Balance..........................................48The Three Levels of Trust......................................................48The Person You Thought You Knew................................................49The Benefits of Seeking a Neutral Party........................................49Tactful, Honest and Kind.......................................................50Make Time to Build Trust.......................................................51Trust in the Lord..............................................................51Mistakes and Forgiveness.......................................................52Use Your Judgment..............................................................52Monkey Bar Fears...............................................................53The Openness Reward............................................................55It Takes Two...................................................................56Engaged in Your Partner's Life.................................................56Support by Example.............................................................57How Lack of Support Snowballs..................................................58Listening Is Key...............................................................59How Willing Are You?...........................................................60Giving and Receiving Constructive Criticism....................................61The Two-Way Path to Authentic Caring...........................................62The Good and the Bad: Sticking to It...........................................62When We Feel Depleted..........................................................63Journaling As a Support Tool...................................................64Love Is an Action Word.........................................................65The Ins and Outs of Love.......................................................65Questioning Whether Your Love Is Real..........................................66Succeeding with the FACTS......................................................67When Times Get Tough...........................................................68Love or Business Arrangement?..................................................69What the Bible Says About Love.................................................70Seeing Love As the Reward......................................................71One Couple with All the FACTS..................................................71The Value of Peace.............................................................73Opening Up As Your Honest Self.................................................74The Pain of Keeping Quiet......................................................75Minimize the Hurt by Telling the Truth.........................................76Deception Only Leads to Distance...............................................76Being Honest with Yourself.....................................................77Listening to God's Wisdom......................................................79Keep It Real...................................................................79Why Put God First?.............................................................81Finding Common Ground in Worship...............................................82Know Your Happiness............................................................83The Power of Prayer and Devotionals............................................85Fruit of the Spirit............................................................86The Greatest Is Love...........................................................87Failure As a Stepping-Stone....................................................89Lean on God to Ease the Pain...................................................90Learning from Failure..........................................................91Return to Prayer...............................................................92The Importance of Self-Evaluation..............................................93Allow the Seasons to Pass......................................................94Discover Each Other's Wants....................................................95Don't Let Your Past Get in Your Way............................................96Gain Perspective Through a Spiritual Parent....................................98Your Personal Best.............................................................100Don't Settle for Less..........................................................101Stand Your Ground..............................................................102Avoid Being Overly Guarded.....................................................103Power Through Rough Patches....................................................103Avoid the NASCAR Urge..........................................................104Messages for Success...........................................................104You're on Your Way!............................................................105Marriage As a Ministry.........................................................106Elijah and the Widow...........................................................107Life As a Golf Ball............................................................108Share Your Story...............................................................108With Gratitude.................................................................109

Chapter One

Friendship First

"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses." —Ann Landers

The Friendship Factor

Let's get something straight. I don't believe your partner has to be your best friend, at least not right from the start — it may take years before you regard your life partner as your best friend. But your significant other does have to be your friend.

There's no getting around it. If the friendship factor is missing, love and honesty are absent, too (and we've already learned how important those attributes are). You simply can't open up to someone you don't consider a true friend.

In the absence of friendship, your relationship becomes more of a business arrangement than an open, genuine bond between two people who care about each other and want to be together. What do friends do? They hang out together and have fun. They watch out for each other. They value their friendship and work to keep it going strong.

Real friends like each other. If you don't even like the person you're with, how can you ever hope to love them? So make sure your partner is also your friend.

The Job Search vs. the Search for a Soul Mate

I want you to reflect for a moment on your most recent job-hunting adventure. In particular, revisit the interview process. Who could forget the adrenalin-rushing, heart-pumping experience of being interviewed? No doubt you prepared well for your meeting, knowing that what you said and how you presented yourself made all the difference.

You didn't show up in flip-flops and a T-shirt, nor did you arrive without a clue about the employer. On the contrary, you dressed your absolute best to look the part, and you did your homework, learning all about the company and the position. When you spoke, you delivered the right amount of confidence — not too smug, and definitely not indecisive. You were selective about the information you shared, making sure to shine the best light possible on your accomplishments.

In your eagerness to get the job, you didn't reveal all. I'm not saying that you lied, but I'm sure you played up your strengths and decided to keep a few things hidden. We all do that, to a degree, in an attempt to keep the upper hand. While some people might never employ these eager-to-please job-hunting tactics, it's human nature to want to sound better than our résumé puts forth.

Let's say that a guy named Alan is in the middle of an interview. When the interviewer asks, "When can you start?" he replies without hesitating, "Tomorrow!"

Why did he say that? He hasn't even quit his current job yet. His answer is enthusiastic but entirely unrealistic. Since Alan believes this is what the employer wants to hear, he takes a chance and bends the truth, figuring the company won't bring anyone on board for at least another week anyway.

In another company's office, where interviews are also taking place, the hiring manager wants to know that Cheryl is familiar with a certain computer application. She answers, "Absolutely!" In reality, though, Cheryl's only heard of the application. She's never used it directly. Once again, in her eagerness to get the position, she stretches the truth and says whatever the employer wants to hear. She figures she can always learn how to use the application if and when it becomes necessary.

Neither of these candidates wants to admit any inadequacies — including, in Alan's case, lack of availability. Alan and Cheryl turned to stretching the truth out of good old-fashioned fear. Both are afraid that if the prospective employer finds out the truth, they'll lose their respective jobs to other more knowledgeable candidates.

That All-Important First Impression

The scenarios described above are not universal in the world of business, but they have certainly occurred, especially in more cutthroat industries. Like I said, it's human nature to want to convince the hiring party that we're right for the position. In our eagerness to get that job offer, we may cover up some things. We won't say, "I really don't plan to do any overtime." We won't reveal that getting up to speed will require a significant learning curve. We won't say, "I'm not a morning person, so don't expect much out of me until after 10 a.m." And we're certainly not going to point out that the interviewer is wearing non-matching socks.

Why? Because in a job interview, we want so badly to tell the interviewer what he or she wants to hear. Similarly, the interviewer might fail to ask the right questions and may only be interested in what we can do for the company. Either we get the job and learn quickly enough to stay on board, or we can't keep up and are soon replaced by someone else.

Take Matt and Jane, for instance. They've been dating for a while; however, both of them have been misrepresenting themselves to the other. They like each other a great deal, and both have already decided, "This is `The One' for me." In an attempt to "get" the other person, each one is creating a false façade and hiding behind a mask, too afraid to reveal the true Matt or the true Jane.

Matt wants very badly to be the one Jane picks. He constantly tells her things about himself — some true, others exaggerated and others completely fabricated — to impress. Jane has already decided that he's the one for her. But she still puts him to the test, always asking in one form or another, "What do you have to offer?"

In time, this setup creates unnecessary tension between the two. Jane starts to suspect that not everything Matt says is true. This puts pressure on her to test him further, making him jump through more hoops. Matt starts to suspect that Jane doubts his ability to deliver what she needs, so he works harder to present himself in the image she wants. The demands increase, the deceit escalates and, in the end, the pressure's too much. The relationship stops being fun. Matt feels he can never meet her expectations. Jane feels she doesn't know the real him. Both tire of the games and go their separate ways. Had these two began their journey with honesty and friendship, instead of one-upmanship, they might still be together. First impressions are important, but not in lieu of relationship-building honesty.

Love Needs No Résumé

Many men and women treat their personal relationship like a job interview, but that's a big mistake. As we've explored in the examples above, each side picks and chooses what they reveal and what they keep hidden, often to ensure their professional life doesn't seep into their personal life. Each party wants to create an image and make that stellar first impression, and that may mean that each can't be perfectly honest about everything; it just wouldn't be professional to go on and on about personal problems. But in a love relationship, being on your guard all the time can spell disaster. If you try too hard to create an image, your partner will never know who you really are. If your partner hides behind a façade, he or she is not showing you his or her true self. Interpersonal relationships built upon false or ambiguous pretext is built upon shifting sand. Sooner or later, that castle you're building will crumble without warning.

Here's what I suggest: In your love relationships, don't demand a résumé, or pump up your own. Strive for an honest friendship. Get real with the person you're seeing. Get to the truth. And expect the truth out of them.

Too Much Professionalism Can Kill a Promising Relationship

For a number of reasons — anything from unrealistic expectations to insecurities to problems in past relationships — many of us, Matt and Jane included, are afraid to reveal the true self. Instead of saying what we really think or feel, we end up saying what our partner wants to hear. The relationship starts off on the wrong foot; it begins under false pretenses, and thus is doomed to fail unless both parties start getting honest with each other.

When emotional intimacy and authenticity is lacking in an otherwise promising relationship, things go wrong. There's a stiff formality present that prevents the two people from really getting to know each other in an honest way. An invisible wall divides them. They may not see this wall, but it's there. Down the road, this wall will create significant — maybe even irreparable — problems for the couple. The only solution is to tear that wall down before it's too late.

The Danger of Too Many Demands

For many people I know, the whole concept of dating and looking for a lifetime mate has been horribly distorted. There's a genuine fear of losing the "candidate," so the focus shifts away from getting-to-knowyou sincerity and instead moves toward "sign here, please." A sense of desperation, perhaps, moves one or the other person to close the deal prematurely. Do these two people know they're right for each other? No, because they haven't taken the time and energy to become friends — real friends. Do they even know much about each other? Probably not, because they're too preoccupied with creating an image and/or making the other person jump through hoops.

For example, Ellen and Mark have been together about a year. Mark is about to propose to Ellen, and she suspects he will do so very soon. In fact, she expects he'll propose on Valentine's Day. She wants this. She wants it so badly that she's already telling him that the most romantic people in the world get engaged on this holiday. Ellen unabashedly tells Mark what type of roses he should buy her, and how many, and from which florist. She offers suggestions on how a man should propose to a woman. She even takes him to look at engagement rings, and she tells him her ring size. She makes it painfully obvious which ring she wants.

Now, Mark is a romantic at heart. He has his own ideas about how to propose. He was thinking about Valentine's Day, and he was thinking of getting roses. In addition, he's been making other plans. In fact, he's been pretty excited about the creative manner in which he plans to pop the question. But now Ellen is interfering with his plans. She's making all kinds of suggestions that weren't part of his original idea. As a result, Mark is growing discouraged. She's killing the joy of crafting his proposal and turning it into a business arrangement. Whereas he used to be excited about asking Ellen to marry him — in his own carefully thought-out way — Mark is no longer looking forward to it. He's not even sure he wants to marry her at all.

Perhaps Ellen doesn't trust Mark. She doesn't think he'll do the job right. She's afraid he's going to blow the important moment. Her friends' proposals were memorable, and she wants hers to be just as special. Mark, however, starts to resent her interference. He liked his ideas. He was comfortable with his plans. Now, he's worried that he won't live up to Ellen's expectations. He feels she's not supportive of him or his way of doing things. He wonders to himself, Is this how it's going to be between us when we're married? Is she going to call the shots all the time? Will I ever have a say in anything?

In the end, Mark doesn't propose to her on Valentine's Day. He postpones the proposal indefinitely. February 14 comes and goes, and Ellen is deeply disappointed. She wonders, What happened? I thought it was a done deal. What she fails to realize is that in trying to oversee the process and turn it into the most incredible, most perfect day of her life, she took away Mark's job. She kicked the creativity out of him. She took over the process and killed his plans. Their relationship now hobbles along, neither progressing nor improving. Both are stuck in a sort of limbo. The demands Ellen placed on Mark were just too much for him to deal with. She became the "boss" in a matter that she should have trusted her boyfriend to handle properly.

Does a Family Business Model Work?

The interviewer-interviewee business model isn't a replacement model and doesn't create a loving, committed relationship for many reasons, several of which I've touched upon already. But here's a question: Does the family business model work? I maintain that it works a little better. When you're interviewing with a close family member, say, to work in his or her business, your guard is going to be down. You don't need to impress. After all, this is somebody you've grown up with. This person knows you! Whether it's your mother or brother or aunt or cousin, you're close to this individual, and you won't hesitate to say what's on your mind.

If you can't start for another month because you're finishing up your current job, you'll say so. This gives the person a chance to work around your plans. If you want to work extra hours during the week in order to get every other Friday off, you'll be upfront about it and try to negotiate a deal with your relative. This person already knows a lot about you, including what jobs you've had, which ones you've enjoyed, which ones you've done well, and which strengths and weaknesses you have. You can be yourself during the interview. You don't need to hide, sugarcoat, protect or exaggerate. You can be very open and honest, saying, "This is what I'm willing to do, and this is what I'd rather not do."

So yes, a love relationship between a man and a woman shares some similarities with a family business model. In a personal relationship, as with a family business, you should be comfortable enough to speak with honesty, openness, dignity and respect. You should not have to sugarcoat or exaggerate things. There should be enough trust between the two of you such that you can say what's on your mind in a way that doesn't interfere with the other person's plans or step on his or her toes.

A professional relationship will never be exactly like a personal one. The two are different entities. Look for a friendship first, not a professional partnership. Grow in trust as friends before either of you starts calling the shots on how things should or shouldn't be. It's not like one of you is the boss and the other is the employee. You are friends looking to be partners in life, in love, even perhaps in raising a family someday. Neither one of you needs to micromanage the other. Business and friendship are not always compatible. When in doubt with your partner, pick friendship first.

Take the Pressure Off and Get to Know Each Other

So you're impressed with your girlfriend because she's got a fantastic job that comes with prestige and a healthy, steady paycheck. You're impressed with your boyfriend because he wears stylish clothes, drives an expensive car and has an MBA from Harvard. The two of you share a common vision for your future careers and your future together.

That's all well and good, but is she your friend? Is he your friend? How comfortable do you feel with this person? Again, bring this relationship back to earth. Take it down from on-a-pedestal status and bring it down to a real level. This, believe it or not, takes the pressure off. The best way to have a real relationship is to get to know each other — not behind images and facades — but for real. Think about it: Who do you feel more comfortable around, an interviewer or your buddy? Your HR manager or your best friend? Who can you get real with? With whom can you talk about what's on your mind, knowing that they'll accept you regardless of what you say? Your friend, of course. So naturally, you want the person you're dating to be your friend, not your supervisor.

Don't Love Like a Candle

A friendship is characterized by mutual feelings of trust and affection and the behavior that symbolizes a relationship between friends. In life, it's sometimes too easy to lose sight of this important fact. It's too easy to get caught up in the search for a mate who looks good on paper but may or may not be a good fit. In other words, we look for a résumé instead of developing a true friendship. We need to shift the focus back to the process of finding unbiased friendship. Only this can evolve into true love.

Sometimes it seems that we tend to love like a candle. We start out with a lot of fire. We get swept up by all of the feelings that come from our heart. The honeymoon phase is in full effect, things click and everything is great. But since we are burning like a candle, we burn hot and furious. And then, everything ends abruptly, just as a candle extinguishes the flame when it reaches its end.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Get the FACTSby Jermaine A. Hamwright Copyright © 2012 by Jermaine A. Hamwright. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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