CHAPTER 1
Childhood
My childhood home was located in Smith Hill, which is six miles east of Arcola, Louisiana. We lived in a wood frame house with a wooden stove in the kitchen, and a wooden heater in the living room. This home originally belonged to my grandparents on my father's side. My aunts and uncles lived in that very same home when I was small. I remember there being wall paper on the walls and some areas had holes. One of the things I enjoyed most was singing on the porch (like today's patio). When people came to visit, the children were sent to the backyard to play. I was the third child in the family, my older sister was raised by my grandmother. She was not my father's child. My siblings were as follows: Elaine, Jessie, Junior, Jerry, Larry and me.
I always found ways to get my brothers in trouble. I would make Kool-Aide out of Mama's jam juice and give it to them. We would all get a whipping. Mama and Daddy had their bed in the living room. I had my own room next to theirs and the boys all shared one room. We also had a room for Big Mama, my mother's mom.
Growing up as a child can be rewarding and sometimes very difficult. I had to get up early in the morning and help my mother with breakfast. My job everyday was to feed the chickens and gather eggs. We had a small garden, if there was anything to be gathered before school we had to do it. I had to wash dishes after supper (dinner today), I could not relax after I ate. I had to clean the kitchen, sweep the kitchen floor and the living room/bedroom floor. Daddy would be laying in their bed watching every stroke I made with the broom. He had his shoes in a certain spot and I had to move and sweep there and put them back in the same position. I made a vow. When I grew up that I would not wash dishes or sweep until I got good and ready.
My brothers had to feed the hogs as well as get the produce from the garden. My father was a logger, so he would keep my brothers out of school Monday thru Thursday to help him cut logs. On Fridays, the school would have tests. Because my brothers only came on Fridays they would not pass the tests. They soon became discouraged and dropped out. The chores seemed to never end, we had to bring grass from the field to plant in the front yard. We had well water that we pulled up with a rope. It was very good water. We had to peel post that was used to build fences. My brothers even had to cut wood for the stove and heater, my father would mark on the porch where the wood needed to be placed. To earn extra money my brothers would work for my great uncle gathering his crops. My father worked on Monday thru Thursday, and Friday thru Sunday he would spend at the bar room with other women.
I was a happy child. My name Barbara meant to me, "Blessings are sent." I received clothes from my aunts in California and from my mother's day job. To me those were blessing. I had a secret place in the woods, where I would daydream. I would dream of me being on stage speaking words and people were listening to me. I don't remember what I was saying, but I was somebody very important. To this day, when I get lonely and sad, I go back to this vision. I went to school up until the fifth grade in the country. My mother was afraid of my father, so I did not get to go to my graduation. I cried all night. My eyes were swollen, but I took pictures in my cap and gown the next day. After fifth grade I graduated to the sixth grade and went to school about 11 miles away.
Mr. AC Sims drove the bus. My cousin Lynn and I were his favorites. Mr. Sims would leave us at the store while he transported others home, he would come back to get us later. I was known as the country girl going to school in the city.
For lunch I often took biscuits, butter and jelly sandwiches. I would hide behind the tree to eat because I was ashamed of what I was eating.
CHAPTER 2
My First Boyfriend
Eddy was my first boyfriend, he sought my dad's permission to date me, and I was 12 at the time. Since my dad was a logger Eddy had to go to the woods to speak to my father about dating me. My brothers often teased me about having a boyfriend. I would meet Eddy at my secret place in the woods, this was the place where I daydreamed. Eddy was six feet tall and very handsome. At an early age I lost my virginity to Eddy because he promised to marry me. Since he was older, Eddy already had two children by two different girls, this is not what I wanted for me, this would have been too much for me to handle. Many times he asked me to run away with him, but I was afraid that he would abuse me. I knew Eddy cared for me deeply, but when it came to love, I was unfamiliar with that term because no one ever used the word love in my household. The closest thing to love was Eddy visiting me on the weekend and bringing me a loaf of bread, baloney, cheese, and a strawberry soda.
My father was very abusive to my mother. These episodes took place every three to six months. I would pray to God that my father would not kill my mother. It never entered my mind to pray for him to stop abusing her. These episodes affected me to the point that it made me so nervous I wet the bed every night. My grades in school suffered as a result of this, my grades were C's and D's.
There was a big difference in the experiences of city kids and kids from the country. City kids knew nothing about outside plumbing, farming, or chores that go along with being from the country. They had inside plumbing and their chores were consistent with chores inside the home using modern appliances.
At the age of 13, my dad gave me permission to go to California to continue my education. Two of my cousins were driving to Los Angeles and they were willing to take me. Eddy was unhappy about my decision to leave, but I was going anyway. Mama made me fried chicken, biscuits, and jelly sandwiches. During the ride I daydreamed a lot about being someone very important. I was thinking no more outside bathroom, no more picking beans and strawberries, no more chickens to feed or gathering eggs, and most of all, no more nervous stomach. The countryside was beautiful, and the ride through Texas appeared to take forever. After driving day and night for two days, we finally arrived in California.
My great aunt whose name was Connie, had two daughters named Norma and Hazel. I called them Auntie Norma and Mother Dear. I stayed with Mother Dear, who had a son that was five years younger than me. I did not have a suitcase when I left Louisiana. My clothes were packed in boxes. My aunt made this statement, "You can take the Nigger out of the country but you can't take the country out of them." I could feel my stomach becoming nervous again. She did not give me a chance to relax. She had me in the backyard raking leaves while her grandson sat watching TV.
I heard from other relatives that my great aunt was very hard on family members from the South. These are a few chores that were assigned to me: washing dishes, washing clothes, ironing and cleaning the house. These chores I did while her grandson watched TV. He was spoiled.
Whenever we went to the movies he always got the most money. I didn't understand why there was a difference made if we were all family. I made a vow, that if I ever had children I would not make a difference. It reminded me of when I had to beg my dad for lunch money and my brothers refused to ask him. It seems that I had left one pain and came into another kind of pain, but I was determined to be that person in my vision. I vowed I would never give up.
It was a culture shock for me at the new school in Los Angeles, California, so many different races of people. It was refreshing not seeing "Colored," and "Whites Only," written on doors. I continued to write to Eddy, but I also talked to other boys at school. I got lost going to school every day, and my aunt would not let me leave with the school kids early. The school had combination lockers and I was not used to them. Someone had to open my locker every day. My grades improved but I still had a nervous stomach and wet the bed every night.
I enjoyed living in Los Angeles, but I did not like my great aunt's attitude toward me. Whenever she would talk about my mother I had a habit of rolling my eyes in a mean way. My great aunt would say, "I gave your dad six dollars to marry your mother legally and he gave it back to me. Your mom should have left him." I did not know that my mother and dad were not legally married. Their marriage was considered common law, because they had been together more than seven years.
When I rolled my eyes at her she would threaten me saying, "I will send you home any time I get ready." My great aunt's daughter and son in law worked at night and slept until 3:00pm the next day. By the time her grandson and I got home from school, his parents would be up and dinner was served. My job was to make the sweet tea and gather the mint from outside to put in it. We discussed what we learned in school that day and that's how it was day in and day out.
After school was out my aunt would take a trip to Louisiana, Georgia, and several other states for vacation. Louisiana was our first stop to visit my mom. Mom wanted me to spend more time with her but my fear was that if I did my aunt would leave and I would not go back to California with her. My aunt promised me that she would send for me. The day I was supposed to leave on Greyhound, my aunt called my dad and told him not to send me. My heart was broken. So for the 10th and 11th grades I attended school in Louisiana. Eddy had graduated from high school and was living and working New Orleans. He received a draft notice from the army, and I begged him to marry me so I could live with his relatives and finish school. He said no I would have to wait for him.
CHAPTER 3
Treated Different
My father treated me as if I had a disease. He had my mama buy me my own wash pan and potty-chair. My chores were given back to me again, outside bathroom and all had be done before going to school. I began to go back to my secret place in the woods to remember my vision. I will never give up, I was always saying to myself.
I told my mom that if I didn't get a chance to go to my junior and senior prom I was going to run away from home. I didn't mean it, because I didn't know where I would go. My older sister had been killed in a car accident the year before. My father took me to the prom in his log truck (like a big rig truck). All the kids laughed at me, but I didn't care I was at the prom.
I went to school at West Side High until the 11th grade. It was the last week of school and we had a substitute teacher. He was six feet tall, black hair and brown skin. I was infatuated with him. I told him about my boyfriend being overseas and that he could bring things back for very little money. The substitute teacher asked if my friend could bring him back some suits. The next thing I knew I had agreed to meet him at his mother's house. I had on a pair of shorts, tank top, and flip flops. It was the Saturday before Easter. Aunt Eva, my dad's aunt had just fixed my hair (she made home brew and was very noisy). We kissed and hugged. Suddenly I realized I had been gone too long. The teacher began to walk back toward my home and my mother saw him kiss me. She yelled, "Barbara Ann come here and bring whoever that is with you."
I knew that if I went back home I would be a prisoner for life. So when the teacher began to run, I ran with him to his car. We drove around a white neighborhood for hours trying to decide what to do. The substitute teacher wanted to go and explain to my father, but I told him my father would shoot him and me.
All I could think about was why this had happened to me. I must finish high school, then I thought of my grandmother, my mother's mom, and she didn't like my father. I thought she lived hundreds of miles away, but she only lived 25 miles away in a town called Franklinton. I remembered how to get there because of houses and trees and stores we passed. I did not let him take me all the way to her house because I needed to tell her what had happened. I jumped out of the car and ran down a dirt road and began yelling, "Big Mama, Big Mama." She came to the door saying where is your mother? I told Big Mama I have to finish high school.
Big Mama and I went to town to pay some bills and we saw her son Billy. "Uncle," I pleaded with him to take me to Tyler Mississippi with him and let me finish high school there. "My father said if we ever ran away from home do not come back," so I knew he would not come looking for me.
My uncle introduced me to his girlfriend, and told her I wanted to go to school in Tylertown. Dean had a daughter five years younger than me, she said I had to obey just like her daughter. She wanted me to write my mother a letter to let her know where I was. It took three months and Dean made me write the letter. I rode a sassy letter telling Mama I ran away from home and I did not have a baby, I just wanted to finish high school.
Dean worked at a cleaners and people would leave clothes over nine days and that's where I got my school clothes from the beginning. I wrote my aunt in Los Angeles, California and told her where I was and she called my father, he told her not to help me. She told him I was still going to school, and not pregnant, she was going to help me. She sent me clothes and every month she sent me lunch money.
Eddy was home from the Army visiting, he found my uncle and aunt's house. Eddy gave me his class ring from high school and promised to marry me when he got out of the service. This was on a Monday evening and on the following Friday he promised to bring me back an engagement ring (but he never showed), I never heard from him again.
I kept going home to see my mother on the weekends when my father was gone. It was getting close to time for me to graduate and I was very happy. I was proud of myself. My stomach wasn't nervous and I wasn't wetting the bed. Two weeks before school was over my uncle began to act up. He lost his job and started drinking heavily and abusing my aunt. I overheard him telling my aunt that he wanted to take me back to my father's house. I decided that I had to run away again because my goal was to finish school.
I ran away to live with a friend in town. She was an only child and had a very nice mother. My friend dated a teacher. She told me that I should date older guys too. My uncle had borrowed $28.00 from me and didn't pay me back. That was $28.00 meant for my class ring money. So I did like my friend Linda said, I began to talk to this older guy and I asked him for $28.00. I told him I was a virgin and he respected that.
On one of the trips home to see my mother he came along. We stopped at the club between Mississippi and Louisiana, I leaned over to speak to a guy that I knew. The next thing I knew I was being slapped across the face. I suddenly remembered what my father had told me, have your own money and buy your own drink when you go out. I gave Buddy, the guy I spoke to, my phone number and marched outside. My date was behind me and took my class ring. The next day he gave me the ring back and said after I graduated if I was in town he was going to rape me. I left town. During the time I stayed with Linda, I drank less liquid so I wouldn't wet the bed, but I still had nervous stomach. Linda lied to her mother about where we went.
The principal of the school I attended was a minister, and he didn't allow proms at the school. I started a walkout, and the minister let us have the prom. We also took a trip to Texas. My grandmother came to my graduation and I graduated with honors.
After graduation I went to Meridian, Mississippi for the summer. When summer school ended, my aunt asked me if I wanted to come back to Los Angeles, California. I told my aunt yes I wanted to come back to California. My mother had had three more children by this time I was 17 years old.
The young man I met in Mississippi at the club, met me at the Greyhound bus station. We danced to the song, Stay in my Corner, by The Dells. Buddy is his name. He was a football star in Louisiana high school. His nickname was "foot Work." Buddy was going to Springfield, Ohio to live. My father never gave my mother an engagement ring. I wanted to be sure that I got one. I never heard from Eddy again. Bud and I kept in touch.
I got a job at an interior-decorator store, where I met Russ. He was an interior decorator. We began to date. Buddy decided to send me an engagement ring for my birthday, September, 11, 1968, I turned 18. I accepted the ring.
