In the fast pace of modern life, there is a lot of craziness and stress. We are social creatures and need unconditional love and support to make it through. The key to finding "sane" relationships in your life is you. You are the common denominator in your relationships. If you are happy, your relationships will be better. This book gives you the tools to unlock your true potential and clear the way for sane relationships. All rewards in life take work. Isn't your happiness worth the effort? Through self-evaluation and exercises, the book walks you through the steps necessary to feel happy, whole, and complete. Releasing the obstacles that prevent you from being happy is part of the path to finding sane relationships. This book discusses all types of relationships including family, work, and significant others. You can make a choice to have positive relationships work for you.
Finding Sane Relationships in a Crazy World
By Cynthia M. RuizBalboa Press
Copyright © 2011 Cynthia M. Ruiz
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4525-4768-8Contents
Acknowledgments.............................................................................viiChapter 1: Relationships in a Crazy World...................................................1Chapter 2: Foundation for Sane Relationships................................................13Chapter 3: Self-Love and Happiness: It Starts with Me.......................................19Chapter 4: Release & Let Go of What Holds You Back from Your Happiness......................31Chapter 5: Relationships with Significant Others............................................37Chapter 6: Be Empowered by Choices..........................................................49Chapter 7: Families and Friendships.........................................................55Chapter 8: Relationships in the Work World..................................................63Chapter 9: Sustainable Relationships........................................................71Chapter 10: Your New Beginning..............................................................75
Chapter One
Relationships in a Crazy World
In today's world, we are surrounded by craziness. All you need to do is turn on the news and you will be bombarded with things that are difficult to comprehend. Thinking about war, social injustice, the world's economic downturn, and global warming is enough to drive anybody crazy.
We live in a time of contradictions:
• There is abundance—yet there is starvation.
• We have money to send people to outer space—yet there is homelessness.
• Technology has connected the world—yet so many people feel alone.
• Our society is obsessed with youth—yet we are living longer and the number of seniors is increasing.
In recent times, we have seen many people act out in horrific ways and resort to killing others. Multiple shootings have become far too common, especially from our youth.
Many times, people act irrationally just to get attention. At an early age, some people learn that negative actions can get attention. Some hold the viewpoint that negative attention is better than no attention at all.
We have more stress in our lives than ever! It can be challenging to find constructive ways of dealing with all the stressors of modern life:
• We can feel stress at work and while fighting traffic in our daily commute.
• Pressure to be an ideal parent, spouse, or friend can make us anxious.
• We compete to go to the top school, get the best job, make the most money, and purchase the largest house.
• We strive for perfection when it comes to our appearance, to being beautiful or handsome, to looking young, and to being skinny.
This stress and craziness makes it that much more important to find healthy relationships that support us and shower us with unconditional love.
Sane relationships can be your sanctuary, providing you with serenity and security. Unconditional love can restore your balance, which nurtures our inner peace. I know we have all felt out of balance at one time or another. That sensation of feeling out of sorts makes us less productive, unhappy, and insecure.
We know that having even one bad relationship can consume one's time and energy. There are some relationships that thrive on drama and can knock one out of balance very easily if the drama is persistent. The key to a fulfilling life is to find balance and harmony in all areas of your life. A good place to start is by creating sane relationships around you.
I strive to have healthy relationships at my work, in my personal life, and in daily encounters with people. I also choose to eliminate chronic toxic relationships so I may experience a sense of personal freedom and happiness.
This book is meant to help you with your relationships—and to assist you in becoming a satisfied person. I humbly share with you the lessons I have learned as I have moved along my path of spiritual awakening and personal freedom. I do not claim to have all of the answers. I simply ask that you keep an open mind.
This book follows a simple workbook format so you can have the tools necessary to do the work to get to a place where you can experience satisfying relationships. As with most things in life, if you make the effort, you will enjoy the results.
I have also included some of my favorite quotes from people who have inspired me. There are many great teachers with great ideas. We can all learn from each other.
The point of finding sane relationships is to enjoy other people. If I can touch your life in a positive way or inspire you toward a path of having healthy relationships, then I have accomplished what I have set out to do. For some, it will resonate more than others because we are all at different points in our lives. Life is a journey—not a destination.
So enjoy your journey, be open to receiving new lessons, and find relationships that work for you! I believe it is not the number of relationships in your life—it is the quality of those relationships.
I often say, "I love my life and I am grateful." I am grateful for the, people in my life and, the opportunities to learn and grow each and every day I choose to see the blessings in my life and I look forward to the blessings yet to come.
It is not that I have a perfect life. I certainly have had my share of trials and tribulations. I am not even clear about what a perfect life is supposed to be. I am not living in denial about the challenges that appear in my life. Just living on this planet will bring challenges to anyone, but how we choose to move through those challenges will allow you to see them as blessings or not. Having sane relationships will make getting through the challenges a bit easier. I have a strong support network and try to maintain positive relationships. I know that I can overcome whatever stumbling blocks life puts in front of me.
There is no perfect life, but when you learn how to master your reactions to life's challenges and surround yourself with sane people, your life will become perfect for you. I hope that you love your life!
Relationships
A general definition of the word relationship is "dealing or associations." It also defines a relationship as a significant connection or similarity between two or more things, or the state of being related to something else.
We interact with many people throughout our lives. During our social development years, we interact with parents, siblings, teachers, friends, and extended family members. However, interfacing with people around you does not necessarily mean that you have a healthy relationship with them.
As we grow into adulthood, we learn that not all relationships are healthy—and not all relationships are created equal. If we are fortunate, we realize that we have choices when it comes to relationships. If we find ourselves in relationships that become abusive, negative, or unhealthy, we know we have the option of letting it go. Once you understand that you have a choice in relationships, it becomes easier to let go of the nonproductive relationships in your life.
Some people focus on changing the other person—or the way they act—in order to make the relationship better. We cannot change other people, but we can change how we relate to or interact with the other person. We have control only over our side of the relationship and our actions. We have a choice over whether or not we participate in a particular situation.
The key to a gratifying life is to find balance. Why should relationships be any different? I strive to have healthy relationships with the people I care about and eliminate the toxic relationships. As a result, I have experienced a sense of personal freedom.
When most of us think of past events and savor memories, they usually involve others. Our successes and failures are usually shared with the people in our life. Healthy and sane relationships can bring great joy to your life. Having people to share the positive events and the challenges in your life can be some of the biggest rewards in life.
Since you are reading this book, you must be interested in developing some healthy relationships in your life. You may want to improve some relationships and shed others. A few bad relationships may pop into your mind that you are not sure what to do with.
Well, you have taken the first step by picking up this book. You may be interested in improving your relationships or finding new ones that meet your needs. Positive relationships can enrich your life with harmony and fulfillment.
Humans are social creatures by nature. Social interaction is a part of what helps us develop a sense of relationship to the world around us. It gives us perspective. It helps celebrate the good times, and it provides us with a safety net when we fall. Without a safety net, some plunge into a place of darkness and despair.
In 1943, American psychologist Abraham Maslow developed the "hierarchy of needs." Maslow believed that after physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are social and involve feelings of belongingness. This aspect of Maslow's hierarchy involves emotionally based relationships:
• friendship
• intimacy
• family
Humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. Whether it comes from a large social group (clubs, office culture, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, gangs) or small social connections (family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, or confidants), they need to love and be loved (sexually and non-sexually) by others.
In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression. Without the benefit of positive relationships, some people end up in a deep depression, have no sense of belonging, or feel alone. The extreme of this is hopelessness; people without hope cannot see a future.
Therefore, this book will assist you in developing your skills to mastering sane relationships. It will help you achieve a sense of support and belonging. However, to reap the benefits of this book, you need to be brutality honest with yourself. Honesty is the only way that this will work for you. It will enhance your happiness.
I recommend starting with an inventory of who is currently in your life. This will serve as a baseline. What relationships (good or bad) are you participating in?
Find some quiet time where you will not have interruptions or distractions. Unplug the phone, turn off your cell phone, Blackberry, or iPhone and get started. This may feel awkward—but consider it as an investment in you. No one lives in a vacuum; we are connected to each other.
Relationship Inventory (RI), Who is in your life?
Take out a pen and paper (you may also choose to do this on a computer, which is just as effective). If you are the type of person that does not like to make lists, make a mental note. Do what feels right.
• Take a moment to list the people in your life.
• Think about them individually. Say their name a few times either quietly or out loud. Note the first thing that comes to your mind. It can be an adjective, feeling, or emotion. Observe how you feel when you think about that person and make some notes. Honesty is very important. You do not have to show the list to anyone. This is for your growth and you get to decide if you want to share it with others.
• Repeat this exercise for each person on the list with a brief pause in between.
Depending on the number of people in your life, you may not get through the entire list in one sitting. It is all right to put it aside and come back to the list at a later date.
It is also good to give yourself some space before you revisit your inventory. Once you have created your inventory, go back and look at your participation in each relationship:
• What do you do to keep this relationship healthy?
• Do you provide unconditional love and support?
• How do you add value and joy to the other person's life?
• Are you judgmental and critical?
• Are you honest and sincere?
• Are you a good listener?
• Are you involved with that person out of habit?
If you feel any negativity when you think of a certain person, examine it. What is the origin of those feelings?
Relationships can be affected by unresolved feelings. One person may be holding anger, resentment, guilt, or other emotions. These unresolved emotions and feelings might be having an impact on the current situation.
Update Your Relationship Inventory on an Annual Basis
You may wish to revisit this relationship inventory from time to time. Since relationships change with time and experience, it is important to keep a regular check-in as your life evolves.
The fascinating thing about relationships is that they are dynamic and evolve as people change. No two relationships are exactly the same. No two people are exactly alike. We all bring our experience and perceptions into each relationship (good or bad).
You can also reevaluate your inventory after you finish this book because your perspective may change, which can influence your participation in relationships.
Now that you have completed your inventory, let's move on to believing that you should have sane relationships in your life.
After you have established who is in your life, you have to believe that you deserve sane relationships. A good technique is using positive affirmations. They help reprogram the brain. They will teach you to incorporate new ways of thinking into your daily life. Repetition works in positive affirmations.
A positive affirmation programs these positive thoughts and beliefs into my mind. You can say them out loud or write them down:
• I deserve sane relationships in my life.
• I want healthy relationships in my life.
• I am manifesting more love in my life than I can even imagine.
• I love being loved.
• I love giving love.
If you are saying them out loud, repeat them louder. Say them like you really mean them—from the depths of your soul.
• I deserve sane relationships in my life.
• I want healthy relationships in my life.
• I am manifesting more love in my life than I can even imagine.
• I love being loved.
• I love giving love.
If none of these sentences resonates with you, feel free to make up your own affirmations in a way that feels comfortable for you. You need to say words that have meaning to you.
I __________ relationships in my life.
Write them down and post them in places where you will see them daily. Post on the mirror, in your car, your computer, or wherever you will see them on a regular basis. We all need reminders so we can reprogram old thought patterns.
If you do not feel comfortable posting them, use the notes section on your Blackberry, iPad, or iPhone. Everyone needs to find out what works for him or her.
Triggers are reminders that help you remember to review the affirmations. It can be a picture, an object, or something else that will trigger your thoughts to remember to say these affirmations.
You have now finished the first step toward finding sane relationships by establishing an inventory, demonstrating a willingness to participate in healthy relationships, and accepting that you deserve constructive relationships. You are off to a great start!
Change and Dynamic Relationships
Relationships are evolving processes. A good relationship can turn into a bad relationship for many reasons and vice versa.
I realize that I am not the same person I was ten years ago—or even five years ago. I work at evolving as a person. These changes have influenced some of my relationships.
People change, outside influences affect people, people grow, and sometimes we grow apart. Drugs and alcohol can change a person's behavior. The one thing that you can be sure about in this world is change. Like it or not, there is going to be change. By human nature, we don't like change; however, the more you adapt to change, the happier you will become.
People may react differently to trauma. Some people internalize it, but others take it out on the people they are closest to or people they don't know.
An extreme example of this is road rage. Some people take their anger out on other drivers. It has gotten to the point where some drivers shoot other drivers. How crazy is that?
If someone accidently cuts you off on the freeway, is it really worth shooting him or her? Well, of course not. To me, it shows that the shooter has reached a point of unhappiness and wants to hurt others. Their pain and anger is demonstrated in lashing out at others. Unless you address these underlying negative feelings they will have an impact on your relationships with other people.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Finding Sane Relationships in a Crazy Worldby Cynthia M. Ruiz Copyright © 2011 by Cynthia M. Ruiz. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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