AUTHOR YOUR LEGACY TOGETHER

"Resiliency and reinvention are two of life's favorite children."

Jaime Alvarez

One of my favorite sayings is, "Life is a journey not a destination." As I look back on the amazing journey my bride Eunice and I commenced, December 2, 1967, I cannot help being amazed. What amazes me is not the fact that we have been happily married for 50 years but our relationship is getting better and stronger. We have endured economic, health, spiritual challenges and more. Through it all we held each other's hand and faced them together.

All marriages will have to endure incredible challenges that will either make them or break them. Eunice and I have certainly endured our share. Your legacy will be the meaning or the moral of your marriage's personal journey. Just like authoring a book your choices will determine the title and chapters of your story. I once wrote, "Resiliency and reinvention are two of life's favorite children." All successful marriages must be resilient. Marriages need to have the capacity to recover from difficulties.

Let's go back to the beginning of when we first met. The year was 1964 and the Beatles had taken over the world. We were sophomore's in High School. Those were turbulent times full of insecurities. The year before our president, John F. Kennedy, was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas Texas. We grew up in a world where all out thermal nuclear warfare between the United States of America and The Soviet Union was a horrific reality that always haunted us. In our social studies class we were learning about a far and distant place called Viet Nam where the United States was going to prevent a "Domino effect," from occurring. The administration of then president, Lyndon Johnson, was adamant about stopping the spread of communism throughout Asia and Viet Nam was where they were going to do that.

Eunice was attracted to what are now the super oldies of the 1960s. Groups like the Supremes, Martha and the Vandelas, and Chubby Checker's Twist, dominated her personal entertainment. Man, that girl could really dance. That was kind of surprising because she was very quiet and shy, which I really liked. Music was her escape from the harsh reality she lived in. Her mother suffered from mental illness and had bouts of delusion. Her father had committed suicide when Eunice was four years old. His abandonment left her and 6 other siblings without a father and a mentally ill mother. The oldest brother, who was thirteen at the time became extremely abusive and violent. The fact that her mother was religious and delusional added more chaos to her environment.

My family environment was just as insane as my girlfriend's household. My father was an alcoholic that suffered from what is now known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He fought in the South Pacific during World War all and was seriously wounded. That experience compounded by his drinking made our life a living hell at times. He was very abusive toward my beautiful mother and would resort to physical violence at times. Somehow and unsolicited I became the son who tried to protect my mother against my father's rage. I was only 11 years old when I had to try and physically fight with my father to stop him from hitting my mother or pulling her beautiful long black hair. Have you ever watched a bull riding contest at a rodeo? There are these brave cowboys dressed up as clowns. Their job is to distract the raging bull when the bull rider is knocked off. That was me at 11 years old. My father was a big man weighing over 250 lbs. I was a big kid for my age but only weighed 110 lbs. So, the drunk raging bull, who was supposed to be my beloved father, had no problem throwing me from wall to wall literally. Something happened to me, as result of the violent chaos of my childhood, I began to hate my father and love my mother more. After every violent incident my father would tearfully apologize the next morning after he was sober. When you are young you want to believe your parents with all your heart and I did. My father promised to never drink and fight with my mother a thousand times.

At 69 years old I am writing this book and recognizing that's who my father was. He died in 1981 after a lengthy and painful battle with stomach cancer. I wish I had better memories of my father, but I don't! It's terrible, as a child, to love your father and hate him so much at the same time. My father never apologized for his horrible conduct, but he did spend his last days saying over and over, "I REGRET THE WAY I LIVED MY LIFE, I REGRET THE WAY I LIVED MY LIFE!"

When we hear the word legacy we usually think of the name or reputation a person left behind. How and what was he or she known for, especially amongst their family. What kind of person was he or she? A legacy is almost always thought of in past tense after the person died. When my father was on his death bed and he kept repeating over and over, "I REGRET THE WAY I LIVED MY LIFE!" it was too late to change anything.

SOMETIMES THE FIRST STEP TOO MENTAL HEALTH IS FORGIVING YOUR PARENTS.

So, what is the moral of this story? What is its meaning? I say we need to live our legacy daily and not just leave one. Dr. Victor Frankel, a man that survived the horrors and injustices of The Holocaust taught, "Between Stimuli and Reaction there is Choice!" He was really talking about personal responsibility! We can't go through life blaming our parents. Much is made about learned behavior, by therapists. When we decide to take personal responsibility for our lives we will unlearn bad behavior. Because my father was an abusive husband that didn't sentence me to a lifelong condemnation of repeating his mistakes. It was now up to me not to repeat his negative conduct. I had a choice to break that malignant mold and I did. My marriage and household would be different than the one I grew up in or the one Eunice grew up in. Violence and drunkenness was not going to be the norm in my marriage.

The great thing was that I had a lifelong partner in Eunice, that would help me break that demonic mold. We were eighteen-year-old-kids when we married. Through our 50 years of marriage we have experienced many blessings and many challenges. At 18 you don't know very much about life, but we did know one thing, we would face our future together and author our own legacy. What was even more important when we were starting our lives together was that we had clarity about what we did NOT want our marriage to become.

It's amazing to be able, in hindsight, and like the Alan Jackson's song says, "Remember when." I remember when we married in 1967, I was working as an apprentice meat cutter at a Safeway store in South Pasadena. There is an old butcher saying that you are not a real meat cutter until you have received 100 stitches from cuts. The first month on the job I slashed my right palm and needed 16 stitches. After leaving the emergency room I went right back to work and wore a latex glove on that hand, to keep it dry. The thought of possibly losing my job was not an option. I have always been a slow learner but when I do finally get it, I try to be the best at what I do. When I would arrive home, and Eunice would see my hand, bandaged from a cut: she would start crying. I have always taken great pride in being strong for her.

In 1968 I was grossing 98 dollars a week as an apprentice meat cutter. Eunice was working with my mother at a cushion factory making minimum wage which was $1.25 per hour. Between the both of us we probably made 150 dollars a week. During that year we became pregnant with our first daughter, Leticia. It is amazing how fearless a young married couple can be. We certainly were not ready to start a family, but we were absolutely delighted. When Leticia was born, I became was an experienced tradesperson meat cutter, and as they say today, we were making, bank! My pay increased to $ 250 per week and we had full health benefits. Now we were pregnant with our second daughter, Marisela. Leticia and Marisela were born eleven months apart. I received a lot of teasing about that. Some guys would jokingly tease me by asking, "What did you do impregnate your wife while she was still in the hospital?" It was all in fun and it never bothered me.

So here we were, not yet 21 years old and we were parents of two children. Eunice was a great mother and the neglect she suffered as a child was not passed on to our children. She broke the mold of her experience as a child. Our baby daughters were always well fed and clean. I loved to come home from work and hold my wife and babies. Being a husband and father filled me with pride and purpose. This was my family and I would be their provider and protector. We started creating rituals like going to the Pancake House Restaurant once a week. Leticia and Marisela had very different personalities. Leticia was a little lady even at two years old and Marisela was a baby tornado. It was always a challenge going out with her because she was so full of energy, today they would say she was hyper-active. In our day we did not refer to our children as bi-polar or hyper-active and maybe that was a good thing. Today, doctors would have probably prescribed strong drugs or medication because Marisela was so active.

In 1972 we were blessed with our third daughter, Elena. I remember getting angry at my mother because she was very disappointed that the baby was not a boy. For some ignorant reason in the Hispanic culture, having a son was considered much better than having a daughter. While Eunice was in labor my mother kept saying "Ojala que sea un nino" which means, "God willing it will be a boy!" It would irritate the hell out of me when she would say that. My poor wife was in painful labor and my only concern was that she and the baby would be healthy. Elena was a breach baby, and this complicated her birth. When the nurse informed us that the baby was a beautiful baby girl. I was full of gratitude and pride. The only words my mother could muster was, "Ni modo!" which means "Oh well!" I have always maintained that machismo is a Mexican mother's gift to her sons. It didn't matter, Eunice and I were very happy having three beautiful daughters. How ironic that it was my daughter, Elena, who saved my life June 27th 2015, when I suffered sudden cardiac arrest.

Eunice and I have always been grateful that she was able to be a full-time mom. She had plenty of work at home with our three little munchkins. I had transferred to the meat plant in, Vernon California, so I could have Saturday and Sunday off to spend with my family. The meat plant resembled a prison. It had a 10-foot chain link-fence with barbed wire on top. The concrete walls were old and a dingy gray color. In the morning we were checked by an armed security guard when entering or leaving the premises. Conditions were even more depressing when you entered the cold wet dungeon. Even at 21 years old I was known for always having a smile. Yes, I smiled everyday while at that old ugly meat plant. My smile was not because I was working in that horrible place, it was because I had clarity of why I was there. To me it was a privilege and I was grateful to have a good paying job and be able to support my wife and three children. Without knowing it I was developing a part of my character that has served me well all my adult life. An, "Attitude of Gratitude," can go a long way to make a situation bearable. Besides every evening when I would get home, Eunice, was waiting for me in our spotless little rented house ready to greet me with a hug and a kiss. Leticia and Marisela would run as fast as their little legs would carry them and fling their arms around me and pronounce to the world, "Big daddy is home!"

My wife was amazing. Even though we were, in retrospect, still kids, our children were always clean and well fed and our house, no matter how humble, was always well kept. It was Eunice who made our house a home! My job was to make our home safe and secure and that I did by providing financially for my family and being dependable. I believe you can only trust that which is constant and dependable. As a husband and father, I wanted my wife and children to always be able to trust me. At work some of the guys made a habit of visiting nude bars and going with prostitutes. They would invite me, but I never went with them. There was a sense of profound pride in knowing that I was always a genuine person and without a doubt my family was my priority. Remember that saying "What you see is what you get," that was me. When a man is young he can do foolish things that will stain him for the rest of his life. I was no saint, and I did not consider myself overly righteous. My priorities were clear, and I did not want to burn down my own village. There was nothing I had to prove to 'The guys.' One of the older men, (when your 22 years old 40 seems old) was named Henry. He was one of the leaders of 'The guys,' and the Shop Stewart. Several times Henry invited me to go party with them on Fridays. Henry took a liking to me. My answer was always a respectful, "No thanks, Henry, I got plans with my family tonight." One day he and three other guys approached me and said that they had lined up a pretty girl for me. Then one of them showed a picture of a naked woman bending over and looking back with a devilish smile, it was certainly a very provocative pose. One of them asked, "You are not afraid of your wife, are you?" "Don't tell us your pussy-whipped?" I must admit I felt my face turn red and my blood begin to boil. When I didn't answer them, they turned and walked away laughing. After work I approached Henry to explain why I always turned down their invites. I told Henry that after work I could hardly wait to get home and play with my girls. In my opinion Henry was not a bad man but we did have different values. As I was talking, Henry looked around to make sure no one was listening and said, "Don't worry about it, kid, it's good you want to be with your family." My next response was, "Thank you, Henry, I appreciate you understanding!" "How many children do you have, Henry? I sincerely asked." Henry surprised me when he frankly said, "I don't talk about my family at work!" "Ok, I answered but do you have children?" The next words that came out of Henry's mouth probably made my jaw literally drop. "I have 15 kids, I have been married five times!" In shock without thinking I blurted out, "Oh No!" Then I apologized to him and said, "I'm sorry Henry!" He made me promise not to repeat what he told me and in return he would never tease me again. His final words were a touchstone that I always remembered, "You are doing the right thing Kid, there is nothing like your first family."

Sometimes men act more like males than real men. I have known many philanderers in my life time, including my father and the father-in-law I never met. Eunice's father committed suicide in 1954 when she was only four years old. He left 7 children with his legal wife, Nieves, and 2 other children from an affair. Nothing good can come out of an illicit affair. As I look back on the 50 years of marriage, Eunice and I have been very blessed, our fidelity has been the corner stone of our legacy. Being able to trust each other makes all good things possible in a marriage. Trust must be earned and not demanded. My father would always tell my mother, "You don't respect me. I'm the head of the house!" His legacy is one of despair and failure. My mother once confessed to me that she did not really love my father. She told me this 10 years after he died. I believe my father killed whatever love my mother had for him.

REAL MEN ARE PROTECTORS NOT DEFECTORS

In 1973 we moved to a very small city named, Holtville, in the Imperial Valley. The main economy of the Imperial Valley is agriculture. Everything from lettuce, corn, broccoli, and carrots is grown in this region. Holtville had a population of about 3000 people in 1973. We choose this area because we felt it would be better to raise our girls away from the big city. In 1975 we were blessed with our baby daughter, Gina. She was a beautiful baby. Eunice and I could not have been prouder. This is when I started learning about the Real Estate business.

I had been an experienced tradesperson meat cutter for 13 years. Eunice and I discussed the possibility of leaving the grocery business and one day working together in Real Estate. It had always been our dream to one day be able to work together. That would mean leaving our secure job and taking a huge risk. Once again, Eunice and I made this decision together. A great part of our legacy is the faith, Eunice, had in me. Faith that she and our children would always come first. Faith in my ability to provide and keep them safe. In 1981, I obtained my Real Estate broker's license and Eunice her Real Estate salesperson license. We were so excited and sometimes we would close over 10,000 dollars in commissions monthly. That was a lot of money in 1981. We were finally living our dream of working together and spending time with our four daughters. I was able to be involved in their sports activities and coached them in softball. Some of my greatest memories is going to watch my daughters play basketball, run track, and play softball. I was one of those parents that would be cheering them on loudly from the stands. Our involvement with our daughters in sports and other activities is a great part of Eunice and my legacy. We had become a secure little village and then in late 1981 disaster hit. Our marriage has been one of resiliency and reinvention out of necessity. Life has a way of disrupting your best laid plans. At that time the economy went into a deep recession. Mortgage interest rates went up to 18% and unemployment hit record heights. Our Real Estate business crashed. We lost our home in foreclosure. We did not make a single commission for over a year. This was really a very hard time, but Eunice and I faced it together.