Communicating the importance of proper diction for Christians, in English First, author Pan Troglodytes provides a guide for learning to talk and write like a humble Christian, in American English. Using both the Bible and the dictionary as resources, Troglodytes shows how to avoid using vogue words, jargon, redundancies, and other overly contrived, complicated, or awkward words that make people look pretentious, conceited, ignorant, and foolish. English First provides a host of examples to help speakers and writers keep their speech and writing plain and simple. It discusses misuses and mispronunciations of words and explains their true meaning and use in American English. For example, the word heinous is pronounced "haynus," not "heenus." The word comprise means "includes, consists of, or contains"; it does not mean "makes up." The whole comprises its parts-the parts make up or compose the whole. In addition to coaching Christians to speak correctly and simply, English First provides an interpretation of words, phrases, and passages in the Bible that speak to today's issues of abortion, homosexuality, and corporal punishment in child rearing.

English First

How to Not Talk Like a Christian YuppieBy Pan Troglodytes

Abbott Press

Copyright © 2012 Pan Troglodytes
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4582-0442-4

Chapter One

Class for the Masses

Before we get to what I think are the most egregious examples of vogue words that, if you're using them, make you look and sound like a pretentious dummy, let me entice you with some things that I have learned, or relearned, by listening to Verbal Advantage.

The word personable is now used to mean "friendly, sociable, and amiable," and that is the only definition in my dictionary. Mr. Elster points out that it originally meant "physically attractive," and he insists that we retain that meaning. I can see where that can be useful. If you had a crush on someone, you could call her personable to her face, and chances are she wouldn't know what you're implying.

(A word of caution about modern dictionaries. Many of the mistakes Mr. Elster exposes are justified, rationalized, and even encouraged by most current dictionaries. That's because most dictionaries are descriptive, not proscriptive. That means they follow the herd and are subject to peer pressure. If enough people insist on misusing a word, instead of having the testicles to say, "You shouldn't use the word that way, that's not what the word means," most modern dictionaries would rather just change the definition of the word to accommodate the stupidity of the masses. That's sad. Although we're supposed to read much, read widely, and look up every word we don't know in the dictionary to expand our vocabulary, I have to admit that often, I think current dictionaries are written by pusillanimous, venal, unctuous nematodes who say, "Hey, a word means whatever the Moron Majority wants it to mean. And if the majority of American idiots want two plus two to equal five, we'll capitulate, acquiesce, and accede on that as well." Spineless. If there's a discrepancy between how modern dictionaries say you can use a word and how Verbal Advantage or your old English teacher says you should use a word, I'd go with the latter.)

The word proximity means "closeness," so the often seen and heard phrase "close proximity" is a redundancy. That's like saying, "close closeness." Eliminate the word close and let proximity do its job. A distinguished British historian wrote "close proximity" in a few of his books. Shame. Perhaps some of Her Majesty's subjects could benefit from listening to Verbal Advantage as well.

Remember the difference between lie and lay. You lie yourself down on the bed. You lay an object like a book down on the table.

Have you heard or read the phrase "verbal agreement?" The word verbal is a more general term referring to words both spoken and written. If you want to refer to the spoken word, the correct word is oral. Just like we have a written exam and an oral exam, not a verbal exam, if you want to say that the agreement or contract was spoken, it's an oral agreement.

The word transient, meaning something that is fleeting or a homeless person who is just passing through, is pronounced "transhent," with two syllables and the "sh" sound, not three syllables and the "z" sound.

Believe it or not, the phrases "short-lived" and "long-lived" are pronounced with the long "I" sound, as in the noun "life," not with the short "I" sound, as in the verb "live," because the adjectives "short" and "long" are describing the noun "life."

Do you know the difference between sensuous and sensual? The word sensuous more generally refers to senses like touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing. You can talk of the sensuous feel of silk against your skin. The word sensual refers more to carnal appetites, so it has more to do with sex. If you wanted to write a book about a woman's sexual experiences, you should name it The Sensual Woman.

The word comprise means "includes, consists of, or contains"; it does not mean "makes up." The whole comprises its parts—the parts make up or compose the whole. The United States comprises fifty states. Fifty states make up or compose the United States. It's wrong to say, "The United States is comprised of fifty states," or "Fifty states comprise the United States."

The word succinct is pronounced with a "KS" sound, just like the words accident, accept, and succeed. We don't pronounce those words "assident," "assept," or "susseed," so remember to retain the "KS" sound in succinct.

The made-up word irregardless is a double negative and sounds stupid. If you want to say "without regard," say regardless.

People think the word peruse means "skim, browse, glance through superficially." That's the opposite of what it means. The word peruse means "read carefully, critically, thoroughly."

You may notice some people trying to show off by using the word reticent as a fancy synonym for reluctant, in phrases like "so and so was reticent to do something." They're not synonyms. Reticent means "reluctant to speak," so you can't be "reluctant to speak to do something." If you want to say that someone is quiet, taciturn, laconic, or not talkative, just call him reticent and leave it at that. If you want to say that someone is hesitant, unwilling, or disinclined to do something, then use the proper word, reluctant.

Let's review the difference between less and fewer, and why the people who run most department and grocery stores are idiots. You use the word less when referring to vague, abstract things that can't be counted, itemized, or enumerated, like "less money," "less time," "less traffic." You use the word fewer to refer to things that can be counted, itemized, or enumerated, like "fewer dollars," "fewer hours," and "fewer cars." All the signs at the express checkout lanes that say "10 items or less" are wrong and stupid. At the Publix near my house, the express checkout sign says, "10 items or fewer." Somebody at Publix knows how to speak English.

The correct phrases are "for you and me" and "between you and me," not "for you and I" and "between you and I." When something is between or for someone else and you, say "me."

The word heinous is pronounced "haynus," not "heenus."

The word respite is pronounced "respit," with the accent on the first syllable, not "ruhspyt," with accent on the second syllable.

To pronounce the following words correctly, remember the accent is on the first syllable, not on the second: preferable, comparable, formidable, hospitable, applicable, exquisite.

In the word superfluous, the accent is on the second syllable.

How do you pronounce the word prelude? If you're like the rest of us idiots, you've been saying "praylood" all your life. It's properly pronounced "prellyood."

How do you pronounce the word err, which means "to make a mistake"? It should be pronounced "ur," like "sir," not "air."

The confusion between anxious and eager is common, even among older, educated adults. The word anxious implies anxiety and is associated with fear, dread, aversion, and loathing. If previous trips to the dentist always produced pain and bleeding, I can understand you being anxious about your next dental appointment. But if you're looking forward to doing something, like going to a party on the weekend or getting together with your friends or going to see a new anticipated movie, then you should be eager to do it, you shouldn't be anxious to do it.

Don't confuse the words imply and infer. Imply means "hint or suggest"; infer means "deduce or conclude."

The word uninterested means "not interested," but the word disinterested means "impartial or unbiased."

Unless you're intentionally trying to be funny and sound like a redneck, pronounce the word mischievous with three syllables, "mischuhvous," not four syllables, "mischeeveeus." (Here's a hint: because so many people mispronounce the word this way, it's not funny anymore, it just sounds stupid.)

The plural of octopus is octopuses.

The word media is the plural of medium, so say, "The media are biased," not "The media is biased."

Mr. Elster mentions a sad story of a medical student who looked up a word in the dictionary and pronounced it correctly, but was mocked by the professor in front of the class. This is common. Often, educated people are the ones who are the most stubborn and proud, even when they're wrong. He doesn't mention what that word was. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a word like bruit. Outside of medical jargon, bruit is a verb that means "to voice abroad, rumor, make known to the public," as in, "The scandal was bruited throughout the city." In medical jargon, bruit is an abnormal sound heard with the stethoscope over a major blood vessel that may indicate a partial obstruction. Bruit is pronounced just like the word brute ("broot"). I've heard medical students, interns, and residents pronounce it many different ways, including the French-sounding affectation "brooee." Is that how doctors call pigs in the South? Just like farmers summon pigs by calling out, "Suueeyy," maybe doctors, after they finish their rounds and it's time to slop the hogs, just go out into the field and call out, "Broooeee, broooeee!" Bruit is correctly pronounced like the word "brute."

The phrase "free gift" is a redundancy often seen in advertising. A gift is a present that is understood to be free of charge.

Remember, to say, "I don't care at all," the correct phrase is "I could not care less" or "I couldn't care less," not "I could care less."

The word minuscule, which means "very small or tiny," is spelled like "minus" plus "cule," and is pronounced "minuhskyool." It is not spelled "miniscule" and not pronounced "miniskyool." There is no "mini" in minuscule.

Don't use redundant phrases like "at this particular point in time," "at this point in time," or "at this present time." Just say, "at this time," "at this point," "at present," or "now."

A lot of people like to use the word transpire as a fancy synonym for "happen" or "occur." It's not. Transpire means "something that was done in the dark, or in secret, that has now come to light, or has become common knowledge." It is appropriate to use the word transpire when referring to sex scandals, criminal activity, or covert operations, but unless you suspect that something illegal, immoral, or clandestine has occurred, don't try to sound like a pretentious know-it-all by saying, "What transpired?" Just ask, "What happened?"

The word condone doesn't mean "approve" or "accept"; it means "excuse, pardon, overlook, or wink at."

We think that the word promiscuous only means sexually promiscuous (indiscriminate in one's choice of sexual partners). Because we're lazy, we drop the modifier sexually and only use the word that way. Promiscuous itself is a more general and useful word that means "indiscriminate, haphazard, unselected." You can be promiscuous in your taste for food or music and in your choice of reading material or friends.

The word chauvinist means "super-patriot, someone who's overly devoted to a country, cause, or person, even to the point of absurdity." Chauvin was a Frenchman who was loyal to Napoleon Bonaparte, even after Napoleon's defeat and exile, and he was eventually ridiculed for it. We think chauvinist only means male chauvinist (pig), the feminist term for guys who think men are better than women. Because we are lazy, we drop the modifier "male," and we still use the word only in that way.

The word panacea means "cure-all, a cure for all ills," so phrases like "universal panacea" or "a panacea for all ills" are redundant. Let the word panacea do its job.

Don't confuse the words fortunate and fortuitous. Fortunate means "lucky" and has a positive connotation. Fortuitous means "happening by chance, accidental," and may be good or bad.

The word parameter is often used by yuppies to mean "limits" or "boundaries"—probably because it sounds like the word perimeter—in phrases like "We need to keep the project within these certain parameters." It's also used to mean "qualities" or "characteristics," like "Our product has these parameters." Parameter is an obscure mathematical term that, outside of math geekdom, has little use, so try to use more appropriate words like limits, boundaries, perimeter, qualities or characteristics as needed.

Don't confuse the words enormity and enormousness. Enormousness means what you think it means, "extremely large size," but enormity means "extreme immorality or evil," as in "the enormity of a crime or sin."

The word machination is pronounced with a "K" sound ("makinayshin"), not with an "SH" sound as in "machine."

Adverbs can be useful, but try not to use unnecessary, awkward, silly-sounding, multisyllabic constructions like procedurally, experientially, or opinionatedly, which make you look verbose and pretentious. Sometimes they sound clichéd and insincere.

Saying or writing "absolutely right" makes it seem as though there are varying degrees of right. Eliminate absolutely, and you will appear to be more firm and resolute. For all you politicians, saying, "Let me be perfectly clear" or "I utterly deny the allegations" makes you look defensive, insincere, and condescending. Saying or writing, "Let me be clear" and "I deny the allegations" makes you appear more honest.

Bad is an adjective. Badly is an adverb. If you want to say that you're sick or ill, say, "I feel bad." If you say you feel badly, there's something wrong with your sense of touch.

We think the word critical has a negative connotation, but critical is supposed to be a neutral word that means "fair, impartial, objective." A critical review, analysis, or assessment can be good or bad.

Pronounce the word query "kweeree," not "kwairee."

Pronounce the word jewelry like "jewel" plus "ree," not "jooluhree."

Pronounce the word grievous with two syllables, "greevus," not with three syllables, "greeveeus."

The word forte, which means "strong point," is pronounced like "fort," with one syllable, not "fortay." When forte is found on music sheet, however, it is a musical direction that means "loud" and is pronounced with two syllables, "fortay."

I wasn't aware of the fine distinction between convince and persuade. Convince should be followed by "of" or "that," because you're trying to change someone's point of view or belief. Persuade should be followed by "to," because you're trying to induce the person to do something. You can convince someone of the truth, or that something is true, but you persuade them to do something about it.

The difference between the use of number and amount is similar to the difference between using fewer and less. Use number when referring to things that can be counted, itemized, or enumerated ("the number of papers on my desk"), and use amount when describing things that are a collective whole and can't be counted, itemized, or enumerated ("the amount of work on my desk"). Also, when number is preceded by a, it's plural ("a number of people were at the party," not "was at the party"), and when it's preceded by the, it's singular ("the number of people at the party was big," not "were big").

The word bulimia is pronounced "byoolimeuh," not "buhleemeuh."

The word schism is pronounced "sizm," not "skizm."

The word visa is pronounced "veezuh," with a "z," not "veesuh."

Say side comment or remark instead of snide comment or remark. Although the word snide is now considered a real word in modern dictionaries, English teachers and experts know that it was never a real word—it was an affectation, a fake fancy word invented by snooty people. Remember, snide is snooty.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from English Firstby Pan Troglodytes Copyright © 2012 by Pan Troglodytes. Excerpted by permission of Abbott Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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