An Elegant Echo shares true stories that rely on real-life scenarios from C. J. Hoffman's forty-plus years of counseling experience, ultimately providing the encouragement and mind tools that will teach others how to change their negative thought patterns with positive affirmations. Hoffman addresses such common negative imprints as guilt and abandonment by offering stories that provide realistic examples of how negative words and situations imprinted during childhood can create unhealthy situations during adult life. Each story includes a valuable life lesson followed by a mission section that clarifies the subject of the story and concludes with a thought-provoking section that illustrates how the consistent overlay of simple positive statements in one's life can eliminate confusion in subconscious thought processes. From the story of Gene, a pastor whose negative imprints prevented him from trying anything new, to Annie, who needed to forgive her mother before she could forgive others, Hoffman offers a diverse collection of real-life experiences that exemplify how a few simple words from our past can affect our subconscious thoughts for a lifetime. An Elegant Echo provides practical, easy-to-use tools that will help others change the way they think, ultimately encouraging remarkable changes that lead to fulfillment and joy.

An Elegant Echo

Answering Your Negative Thought Patterns with Positive AffirmationsBy C. J. Hoffman

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 C. J. Hoffman
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-2615-8

Contents

Introduction.................................................................ixChapter 1: Marvin the Poor Soul..............................................1Chapter 2: The Guitar........................................................9Chapter 3: The Lie of the Hex................................................17Chapter 4: The Wide-Open Mind................................................25Chapter 5: Get Out of the Boat...............................................31Chapter 6: Harry and His Walk to the Present.................................37Chapter 7: The Obedience of Job and Overcoming Self-Pity.....................45Chapter 8: In Stormy Seas....................................................51Chapter 9: Dancing with Mario................................................57Chapter 10: Helen and Her Second Marriage....................................65Epilogue.....................................................................71

Chapter One

Marvin the Poor Soul

I attended Sara's rather beautiful wedding one Saturday in spring many years ago. My most vivid memory of the ceremony is that the groom kissed his new bride on the forehead at the end of it.

At the reception the ladies at my table chatted about how beautiful the gowns were, how spectacular the flowers were, and oh yes, the music was absolutely celestial. No one cared to address the hippo sitting in the middle of the table.

Even though we thought the groom's actions a bit bizarre, we made a silent pact by rolling our eyes and giving sidelong glances, so as not to judge the young man. And we shrugged the whole thing off as we toasted the happy couple.

Fast-forward nine years: One day in early summer, I received a phone call from Sara, and we made an appointment for a counseling session the following day. The subject of the session was to be her marriage.

If you were a guest at Sara's wedding and you were as curious as I was, you knew there was a back story about that kiss. You were sure that this appointment with Sara was on the horizon from the very beginning of her marriage and that, sooner or later, Sara would require the services of a counselor.

Sara arrived for her appointment already upset and in tears. I ignored the tears and instead asked her if she would like something to drink. She nodded and hiccupped in the affirmative.

I walked to the kitchen to get her some ice water, opened the cabinet, chose a pretty glass from the highest shelf, and filled it with icy spring water from a pitcher brought out from the refrigerator. I took my time walking back to the living room where I had left Sara. That bit of benevolent neglect gave her time and space to pull herself together, and she accepted the water I proffered with a much brighter "Thank you."

I was always gratified when a few moments alone dried up a woman's tears and resulted in a better frame of mind. And for a man who was desperate, that same bit of benign neglect would take his testosterone level down a few notches with the same results.

Sara began her sad story at the altar of the church where she was married, and she was prepared to bring me up-to-date by telling me every detail of her life with Marvin, her husband. She remembered every part of it like it happened yesterday, because she cycled those negative thoughts over and over in her mind for years especially that kiss.

When I mentioned the kiss, she confessed that she was very confused by her husband's odd behavior at the end of the wedding ceremony, but she decided not to address it during the reception. But after the reception, and as they rode off together on their way to their honeymoon in Canada, Sara discovered to her horror that she didn't need to question Marvin about the kiss. Marvin volunteered the answer to the question that she didn't have a chance to ask. Sara remembered that it was so well thought out and smoothly spoken to her that Marvin must have rehearsed it for some time before he devastated her with it.

According to Sara, the reason Marvin kissed her on the forehead on her wedding day was that Kathy, the woman Marvin really loved, had attended the ceremony. Marvin hadn't wanted to hurt Kathy's feelings, and when he was faced with giving Sara a real kiss, he decided on the forehead instead of the lips.

I was stunned by her story-so much so that for once I could not think of a thing to say except that I was very, very sorry.

How had Marvin kept this woman he really loved a secret while he dated Sara for two years and was engaged to her for two more before they married? Furthermore, how could he be so cruel as to apprise her of his plan after the wedding and as they were embarking on what should have been precious time together? I had so many questions, but I ignored the niggling in my mind to ask them as Sara continued-because that was not the end of her story.

Marvin further outlined what their married life would be like. He would visit Kathy twice a week for sexual relations. He and Sara would have sex until she became pregnant and had the child. After the birth of the child, they would do it all over again until she had borne him three children. After Sara had raised their children to school age, she would no longer be needed. She would leave their home, their children, and Marvin's life so that he could marry the woman whom he really loved.

Marvin hatched this grandiose scheme because Kathy couldn't bear children and Marvin wanted children. Now I needed a drink, but I was not sure that what I craved was water.

I finally stopped Sara well into her long litany of hurts and grievances, because I felt that I could be of help to her with the information that she had already given me. And I had heard enough about Marvin to last me for the rest of my life.

I asked Sara to put down the empty water glass that she was still clutching and to sit back in her chair, close her eyes, and relax. After a few moments, I quietly questioned her about what she was hearing in her mind. "What are the words that keep going round and round in your brain?"

At first, she could not detect any discernable words or phrases, but as she relaxed for the second time against the back of the blue wingback chair, she sighed. A good sign, I thought, that she was ready to listen for the words.

Suddenly she sat upright, with eyes wide open, and screamed again and again, "You always leave me. You always leave me."

I stood and slowly walked to her chair, knowing that her glazed eyes were not taking notice of me but were experiencing some far-removed trauma. I touched her shoulder, and she reacted with a start, just as if she had awakened from a nightmare, still shaking but in touch with reality.

After a few moments of quiet conversation, I was able to glean from her disjointed rambling that she had witnessed an experience in her childhood that had become a negative imprint. Sara had felt abandoned by her father, and the negative imprint became an amplified imprint when Marvin cruelly acquainted her with his idea of the way their marriage would play out. At the end of the marriage, when she was no longer needed to raise their children, Marvin convinced her that she would not only be abandoned by him but by those three children as well.

The imprint was no longer a neat one-story imprint. Thanks to the odd situation she found herself in with Marvin, it had developed into a skyscraper sized negative imprint.

I leaned over and held Sara in my arms. She was sobbing by that time, and I felt that she needed to grieve that negative imprint of abandonment before we went any further. When we were both exhausted from the emotion, she moved from her chair to the couch. Sara put her feet up on the soft cushions, as I suggested, and accepted a small pillow for under her head. She quickly fell asleep. I gently covered her with a soft blanket from the hall closet, crossed the room to my own chair, and briefly nodded off.

Sara did not awaken until early evening, and when she sat up, the first thing she did was check her watch and come to the conclusion that she must rush home. She had to have dinner on the table by six o'clock sharp. That was one of Marvin's rules.

Sara hurriedly promised to return the following afternoon. We said our good-byes with a hug, and she walked quickly out the door, across the porch, and down the front steps. The last thing I heard as I slowly closed the door was the click, click of her heels as she strode up the sidewalk to her car.

The next day when Sara arrived, she had herself very together and walked in right on time. Marvin's rule: always be on time for appointments.

This time we headed to the kitchen for some freshly made iced tea. On the kitchen table, I had placed some notes from our meeting the day before so that we could review them. But before we could do that, Sara snatched them away, tore them into tiny pieces, and dropped them back on the table. Sara had decided that she was just fine and didn't require a review of the previous appointment or any helpful instructions. She apologized for taking up my time and asked me not to mention our meetings to anyone, especially Marvin.

Many times as a counselor I think that my head may just explode and spatter brains all over the wall! Sara had come much too far to go backward now-but I recognized that all-encompassing fear that can come upon anyone when they can't visualize the road ahead. They may panic, going back the road they just walked because that road, although certainly not a smooth one, was a familiar one.

I knew from experience that there was no sense in trying to talk Sara out of the negative mind-set that she had developed overnight, so after she gave me a halfhearted hug and walked quickly from the kitchen, I just watched her as she went through the hall and out the front door, leaving it slightly ajar in her haste to leave. I had trouble getting Sara off my mind that night as I tossed in my bed trying to get comfortable.

In a few days, I received a whispered phone call from Sara-she must come to the manse immediately, and would I be there? She had not waited for my answer. She hung up and was on my back porch in minutes.

Mission

I did not mention the last time we spoke because I sensed that Sara had done a great deal of thinking since that time. I did reconstruct the notes she had previously shredded and put together a list of possible affirmative instructions for her to use in the healing process in which she was about to engage. I handed the results to her. Sara scanned the notes and the short list of suggested affirmations as I walked over to the stove to stir the large kettle of syrupy strawberry jam that was simmering there.

I was certain that the road ahead for Sara was going to be challenging, and overlaying this double-edged negative of abandonment was going to take a substantial commitment on her part, simply because Sara lived with Marvin. By his very proximity to her, he was a constant trigger for her abandonment issues.

Sara went immediately to work and chose two of the positive statements I had listed as possible affirmations, as her own. She decided that she wanted to use as her affirmation two short sentences: "I am never alone. God has my back."

The words and the sentiment were simple and calming, two attributes for an affirmation capable of changing Sara's mind. And she truly believed those statements she had chosen for herself, which was an additional plus.

Execution of the Process

Sara walked with me down the long hall from the kitchen to the front of the manse and across to the large mirror beside the front door. She took off her glasses and methodically placed them in her purse, giving herself time to develop the resolve that she needed to do the work that was ahead of her. Then she directed her gaze to her own eyes in the mirror, as I instructed her to do. She muttered her chosen words shyly at first, but after a few practice affirmations she declared them in a very clear and confident voice. I had never heard her speak in such a forceful manner and had never seen that look on her face. She slowly but powerfully repeated, "I am never alone. God has my back."

We said our good-byes that day with tears of happiness. We both knew that she had made a decision-a very powerful one-and was, at the very least, on the path to her recovery.

What a difference the constant and consistent overlay of those simple positive statements made in Sara's life. Here are the instructions that I gave to her and that I give to you if you have that sometimes terrifying negative imprint of abandonment:

Write a few positive affirmations that resonate with you. The affirmations must seem valid and true to your own personality. Find a mirror, any mirror-you can use a compact mirror if you have to. Engage your own eyes in the mirror. If you have trouble looking in your own eyes, you can take the following alternative route below. Raise your head so that you are looking almost into your eyes, but not quite. Repeat to yourself, "I love you." Every time you repeat the phrase "I love you," move your eyes closer to your eyes in the mirror, until you are gazing directly into them. I have concluded, after I witnessed this phenomenon multiple times, that if you do not love yourself, for whatever reason, you will have a difficult time making eye contact with your own eyes. When you follow the above process and you are serious about it, it will work for you. Why is it important to look yourself in the eyes? It becomes very important when you understand that it is the first step in the process of using the valuable mind tool of affirmation. Repeat the affirmations that you have chosen every time you pass a mirror. In Sara's case, I asked her to report back to me as often as she needed to do so-day or night. In your case, perhaps you have a friend or clergyman you are able to talk candidly with who will provide this needed support for you.

At first, Sara was careful not to let Marvin see or hear her practice her affirmations, but the fear quickly vanished as day after day she repeated her phrases into the mirror with growing confidence. You may have this same problem, but know that you will get over it.

I can't report that Sara was cured of the negative imprint of abandonment, but I was soon sure that the ogre of her abandonment issues was under her control and not the other way around. It is the same with everyone. The negativity in your subconscious mind will not be erased, never to return. But it will be overlaid with a positive affirmation, which in time will render the negative imprint void, as far as you are concerned. It cannot hurt you ever again if you stay aware of your own "mind speak."

Sara knew that something insane had happened to her on her wedding day, but she was so shocked by Marvin's idiotic strategy for their lives together-and apart-that she did not have the presence of mind to tell him that she was not up for his crazy plan and to leave the situation.

After a few months of practice and a few late-night phone calls that signaled what I called a "crisis of confidence," Sara experienced a complete turnaround. I was, and am, so proud of the work that she performed to bring about a positive change of mind for herself. In the year that followed, she became a strong, self-assured woman who was a role model for her three young girls.

Marvin had been moved to the background as far as Sara was concerned. He was nevertheless adamant about sticking to his original plan, which fact she ignored when he occasionally brought the subject up.

In the end, Sara's life became filled with the joy she thought she would never experience again. She finally had the courage to discount the marriage contract that she had never consented to in the first place. Sara gratefully learned to walk her own walk. And you will too.

Classic Lines

You may read this partial comment in a context extraneous from the one for which it was written, but it certainly could be likened to the sorry state of affairs between some men and women today: "... Everywhere you see widows whose husbands are still alive." This was written to Pope Eugenius III, during the Second Crusade in 1146 ad.

Chapter Two

The Guitar

Gene had already learned the power of overlaying the negative imprint with the positive affirmation, since he had visited me previously with a problem for which he had no difficulty identifying the negative imprint. It was a problem most of us suffer from: speaking in public. He no longer felt negative emotion from that imprint as he assumed the role of teaching the gospel to a large church in Oregon. Simply because he did the work of overlaying that particular negative imprint with his positive affirmation, he was able to fulfill a lifelong ambition to serve in the capacity of a pastor.

But still, the negative imprint was sometimes triggered when he arose to speak in an unfamiliar venue, such as a much larger church on the East Coast. Gene heard this "mind speak," but it no longer held negative emotion for him, signaling that he was set free from the bondage of that particular negative imprint.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from An Elegant Echoby C. J. Hoffman Copyright © 2010 by C. J. Hoffman. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.