Edward's Twilight: edward's version of twilight

Revised and Updated for the Twilight 20th Anniversary, Edward’s Twilight is the Perfect Companion to the Twilight 20th Anniversary Edition.

Now Even More Controversial with More Parody, More Satire, More Critical Analysis.

More Five Star Reviews than any other Twilight parody.

Amazon's #1 Twilight parody for the past 13 years.

Edward's Twilight was not written by and is not endorsed by Stephenie Meyer.

Edward’s Twilight is a wickedly irreverent and entertaining mix of original parody, sharp satire, and insightful analysis of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. As the first genuine parody of Twilight, and the first book to present Edward’s version of the story, Edward’s Twilight is the only parody that remains faithful to Twilight as written by Stephenie Meyer. Join Edward Cullen and Bella Swan as they deliver witty and critical commentary on their own characters, Meyer’s writing, and all things Twilight. Don't miss this unique opportunity to explore the story from a refreshingly new perspective.

QUOTES FROM EDWARD'S TWILIGHT
 
 
"What is she doing? Sniffing her hair? Curses, swearwords, and unholy vexations! She smells it, that putrescent rotting aroma of the dead known in the world of perfumery as the vampire bouquet."
 
"That is so much better, Edwin. Things are now as clear as the muddled plot of a teenaged girl-vampire-werewolf love triangle in a dream-induced novel."

"Actually, a lot of people in Full Moon believe the werewolf legend. People have been finding piles of smelly, shredded clothes in the woods for a couple of years now."

"If Stephenie had not written us into that literary blasphemy of hers, we would not be doomed to an existence of endless ridicule and disparagement."
 
"The sweet fragrance of her blood excited my most base instincts and my most contemptible desires. I would definitely need to see Father Karras for confession."

"Have you thought about killing me?"

"In all of vampire history, there has never been a twinkling vampire. That nonsensical idea has set vampirism back at least two thousand years."

"Research? No way," Jezebella retorted. "I just wrote down some random stuff that I made up."

"You could prick my finger and have a little taste," Jezebella offered, rubbing a finger lightly over my lips and then easing it into my mouth.

"Knowing that you hunger for my blood makes wanting to be with you even more irrational, reckless, and crazy, but I crave that spine-chilling sensation of menace and fear that I feel in your presence."
 
"If this had not been written into Twilight we would not have had to spoof it and I would have been spared this undignified humiliation."
 
"Taking no chances with her safety, we locked Jezebella in a closet upstairs in Argyle's office with Nosferatu and Barnabas posted as guards for the duration of the tournament." 

"An old crone Gypsy fortune teller with a traveling Romanian carnival mysteriously foretold that Jezebella would join me 'in the fourth book.' Although this vague prophecy gave me a measure of hope, I was grief-stricken at the thought of suffering through three more volumes of this sleepy literary impersonation."   

"I'm sure, Edwin," she whispered, turning her head to the side and exposing her luscious, quivering neck to me.
 
"There was a lot of talk in those Twilight books about Denali, but in reality there is no town or village named Denali anywhere in Alaska."
 
"After only a few weeks, not only was I willing to leave my family and friends, give up my dreams, and sacrifice my self-esteem, but I was also ready to forfeit my humanity and even my very life in order to spend eternity with a manipulative, controlling, and emotionally distant vampire with anger issues."
 
"My face morphed into a grimace of confused torment that looked like that famous painting called The Scream. My body perversely twisted this way and that way in a frenzied corporeal tantrum that resembled a chaotic jumble of the thriller dance, the funky chicken, the twist, the running man, and the hokey pokey. I finally collapsed atop the desk and lay drooling like a rabid dog. I must have looked like an unhinged lunatic."
 
"In the space of mere seconds, a few molecules of Jezebella's tomato juice scent had reduced me to a sordid, mindless monster, loathsome and shameful in the weakness of my hunger. I swallowed hard and inched closer."   
 
"The idea of a vampire with a buff, toned, chiseled body of nearly indestructible stone with venom for blood is completely absurd and preposterous. The whole idea completely disregards not only time-honored literary tradition but also the fundamental and irrefutable laws of biology, biochemistry, and physics. You can Google it."