Transform your life with this practical guide to self-acceptance and happiness Have you ever heard someone say 'just be yourself' as though it's the answer to everything? It can be very difficult to be yourself, especially if you don't really know who you are anymore. Learning how to be yourself is the first step towards living a happy and meaningful life. In How to Be Yourself, psychologist Jane Briscoe and her coauthor, Simone Essex, deliver an empowering collection of techniques combining the use of acceptance and commitment therapy, positive psychology, and hypnotherapy and mindfulness. These techniques are designed to aid in; understanding exactly who you are and how the human mind works; identifying and embracing your values, strengths, and personality style; reducing stress, worry, and insecurities; overcoming the fear of judgment; handling difficult and painful thoughts effectively. As a bonus, How to Be Yourself comes with a hypnosis MP3 download to help reinforce the powerful strategies offered throughout the guide. By embracing these techniques, anyone can experience authentic happiness.
How To Be Yourself
Easy steps to overcoming insecurities and strengthening your lifeBy Jane Briscoe Simone EssexBalboa Press
Copyright © 2012 Simone Essex and Jane Briscoe
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4525-0405-6Contents
Preface....................................................................61. The Emotional Cleanse...................................................82. The Human Condition.....................................................113. Are You Being Yourself?.................................................134. Who Are You?............................................................155. Fear of Judgement.......................................................286. A Healthy Amount of Concern.............................................327. Mindfulness and Re-regulating Your Emotional System.....................358. How to Interact With Others.............................................389. Conversation Skills.....................................................4110. How to Develop Assertiveness...........................................4411. Apologising............................................................4912. Public Speaking........................................................5113. Self Image.............................................................5314. Value Yourself.........................................................5515. Be Yourself Hypnosis...................................................5816. Take Action............................................................61References.................................................................64
Chapter One
The Emotional Cleanse
Have you ever heard someone say 'just be yourself' as though it is the answer to everything? How frustrating! Don't they know how hard it is to be yourself, especially if you don't really know who you are anymore?
In modern busy life, it's easy for you to forget what is important and what really matters. Your values can become lost in the fog of everyday life and it is difficult to navigate your way out again. And is this any wonder, with the endless pressure you put upon yourself to belong to a certain group, look a particular way or achieve remarkable success? You are so busy trying to live up to your own expectations that you neglect the most empowering and meaningful gift of all—to be yourself.
While happiness is an elusive quality that we all strive for, there is an intrinsic link between being true to yourself and living a happy life. It's our goal to help you develop a strong and healthy relationship with yourself so you can strengthen all aspects of your personal and professional lives. Until you can become confident and comfortable with who you are, unpleasant feelings of discomfort or even anxiety may continue to cloud your view of yourself and the world around you.
As humans we naturally seek approval and acceptance from people around us, it's part of our human nature and you will learn more about that in chapter two. However, we often invest an unhealthy amount of energy into worrying about what others think.
It is unfortunate how widespread this phenomenon is, not only throughout the community, but how far it reaches into each life. It can affect your intimate relationships, friendships, family, career, parenting and other important aspects of your life.
Over-thinking or ruminating on events can lead you to experience unpleasant emotions such as fear, anger, jealousy or inadequacy. You can become so wrapped up in these thoughts and feelings that you begin to believe them with every ounce of your soul. It is a vicious cycle and the birthplace of 'I'll be happy when ...'
Have you ever caught yourself out with this one? I'll be happy when ... I lose 5 kilograms. I'll feel better about myself when ... I get that promotion. I'll be more confident when ... I drive that car. With your never ending to-do list is it any wonder being happy with yourself is continually put forward to a future date?
Right now you are too busy and stressed to be yourself, right? Wrong! It's never too late to embrace a new way of thinking and change your life experience for the better. By doing so, you will also enrich the lives of the people that matter to you, as they experience a refreshing and relaxed side of you that perhaps they have not seen for many years.
Remember, happiness is a choice you make. This life is yours. You own it. It belongs to you. So why not take a leap forward, shake off these thoughts and feelings that are holding you back and start to really live!
Are you ready for your emotional cleanse? Just like many beauty routines, this is a quick, three step process. It will become second nature to you and you will be able to:
Step 1. Clear away messy, unhelpful thoughts
Step 2. Relax and calm your mind
Step 3. Think more confidently
Imagine how empowering it would be if you could do that!
The three steps are a combination of simple techniques to help you feel relaxed, grounded and confident in more situations. Because everyone is unique, you will have the opportunity to choose from a smorgasbord of proven tools and strategies so you can tailor an emotional cleanse specifically for you. Then you can pop it in the back of your mind and take it with you where ever you go.
We will help you to identify and embrace your personality style, values, strengths and likes, so you can enjoy a clear understanding of who you are in the first place. To make it easy for you, we have designed some simple exercises and worksheets for you to complete so you can discover the answers without even trying.
We will teach you some straightforward and powerful techniques to help you separate yourself from your thoughts and overcome the fear of judgement. All the guesswork has been taken out, right down to scripting suggestions of what you can say to yourself and providing examples of how to use the different techniques.
Step 1. Clear away messy, unhelpful thoughts
Step 2. Relax and calm your mind
Step 3. Think more confidently
Plus we're going to share some practical do's and don'ts when it comes to interacting with others, conversation skills, formulating apologies, dealing with difficult people and more. How To Be Yourself is a foolproof road map to authentic, lasting change. It truly is possible, once you know how. So take your first step towards a happier life and keep reading this book!
Chapter Two
The Human Condition
Do you ever lie awake at night worried about what you said yesterday? Does your lack of confidence drag you down at work? Do you feel your family, religion or occupation is stifling your personality but after living this way for so long you have forgotten who you really are?
If so, you are not alone. Thousands upon thousands of people feel exactly the same way. We know this because we ran an online survey and were inundated with responses from people describing the challenges they faced with truly being themselves. The fear of judgement and feeling 'lost' in life were the most common and reoccurring struggles facing our respondents. Psychologist and co-author Jane Briscoe also treats clients with these 'everyday' concerns on a regular basis. It really is common, but how did we end up like this?
First of all, it is important to understand that your yearning to belong, to fit in and be liked is not unique to you—everyone feels the same way. But why? If we all feel the same way why don't we all just relax and be ourselves ... say what we want to say and do what we want to do?
The answer lies in the evolution of our species, Homo sapiens. When we first appeared on the planet about one hundred thousand years ago, our primitive human mind evolved primarily to protect us from a world filled with danger. Picture yourself as an early human hunter-gatherer, or caveman if you like. Your world is filled with ferocious predators and other life threatening scenarios. Your only concerns are to survive and reproduce.
With this in mind, your primary needs are simply food, water, shelter and sex. Early humans understood that none of this mattered if they were dead, so these needs naturally came second to their main priority—survival!
So in their day-to-day lives, early humans were constantly looking out for danger and actively avoiding it in order to survive. The human mind therefore evolved as a natural survival device.
This survival instinct has proven mighty useful to humans to say the least. As time went on, our ancestors became better and better at identifying and avoiding danger. They started to live longer and were able to have more children.
Like our ancestors, these survival instincts play a role in our lives to this very day. Of course our minds don't warn us about the dangers of vicious man-eating predators these days. Instead, we tend to worry about our relationships, jobs, money, rejection, body image, health and a million other concerns that hound us on a daily basis and commonly for no good reason.
The important thing to understand is that this worry that you may feel from time to time is normal, it is part of the human instinct to survive and protect yourself from danger. However, just because it is normal it doesn't mean you have to struggle with it! Change really is possible and there is no time like the present to let go of the unnecessary worry that is holding you back.
Another ancient human instinct that still affects us today is the need to belong to a group. For the early humans, belonging to a group simply meant life or death. If their clan rejected them and threw them out of their cave, the individual would surely be attacked and killed by a terrifying predator. The human mind therefore evolved a function to avoid rejection from the group ... comparison. They started to compare themselves to other people in their clan. Am I good enough? Am I fitting in? Do people like me? Can I contribute something worthwhile? Am I doing anything wrong?
No doubt you can relate to some of that. Our human condition tries to protect us from rejection by instinctively comparing ourselves to those around us. It's like our default setting. Is it any wonder we get distracted and bogged down with these awful thoughts and feelings? Well, it's time to reduce the impact these thoughts have on you because, guess what, the threat of rejection does not result in life or death anymore. It has not been that way for thousands of years, however these instincts are so strong they are repeated generation after generation and interfere with the way we think and interact with other people. The time for change has arrived.
Chapter Three
Are You Being Yourself?
So what does it mean to 'be yourself' anyway? And when do you know if you are being true to yourself or whether deep down you are really only trying to fit in or impress someone? Well first of all, let's take a look at some behaviours that indicate when you are not being yourself.
These may include:
• Changing your opinion to one that is more popular
• Altering your physical appearance and the way you dress to impress people
• Changing your general likes and dislikes such as music, sports and hobbies in order to belong
• Changing your religious or spiritual beliefs for approval
• Rejecting people whom you would normally like
• Spending time with people whom you normally would not like
• Changing your social status and purchasing specific items in order to fit in
• Forcibly shifting your personality style, such as from introvert to extrovert so as to be liked
• Acting very differently in order to appear interesting
• Avoiding doing something you love because of what others may think
If some of these characteristics sound like you, that's okay. Don't feel bad or silly, remember it is normal to compare yourself to others and sometimes make adjustments in order to avoid rejection. It is how we have been conditioned as humans for thousands of years.
However, if you continually attempt to control and censor your personality, this self- defeating behaviour will only lead to stress, unhappiness and feelings of discomfort. Perhaps you are feeling this way already? And do you know why? It's because you are taking steps that go against 'who you are'.
Being yourself may mean many different things to each one of you, however a strong indicator is when your actions are aligned with your values. In other words, you do and say what you genuinely believe in, not what you think other people might like. It's fantastic if you know what your values are, but unless you follow through with actions and life decisions that reflect your values, you will inevitably struggle with this inconsistency.
If you have no idea what your values are or how to identify them, don't worry. There is a whole section dedicated to clarifying and using your values in chapter four, so you will be back on track in no time.
Another key element to being yourself is learning how to accept and embrace who you are, right now. Acceptance is king! While it may feel good at times to feel in control of your life, your personality or your appearance, it is important to realise that you can't control everything all the time.
Be careful not to misinterpret this message as an endorsement for giving up. That's not what we are saying at all. Of course we encourage you to change whatever you can to create a better life and avoid problems, however it is vital to understand that there are, and will always be, particular aspects of yourself and your life that are out of your control.
If you constantly try to change the unchangeable, you may struggle to enjoy the true freedom of being yourself and being happy. You may also experience unpleasant emotions such as frustration, anger or disappointment at high levels. We are here to help you avoid this.
The essence of this acceptance concept is summarised so well in the Serenity Prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr that we felt it was worth including it right now:
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference.
This prayer or quote is so powerful and effective is has been adopted by various 12 step programs including Alcoholics Anonymous. Why not write it on a post-it note and place it somewhere prominent as a reminder that acceptance, rather than change, is often the wisest option when it comes to being you.
While you are about to feast on a smorgasbord of tools and techniques to help you feel more comfortable with being yourself, the two key concepts we want you to remember for now are your values and acceptance. Let the journey begin!
Chapter Four
Who Are You?
So, the big question—who are you? What do you love? What are your strengths? What are your dreams? Are you reflective and quiet? Are you bubbly and boisterous? It's important to understand and embrace your own personality, strengths and values so that you can truly relax around others and be yourself.
But before we dive into your personality, it's essential for you to recognize that you are not your past. This point is so important we are going to repeat it—you are not your past. In the past you were a different person in a different time. You are here right now, in the present moment reading this book.
Unfortunately, traumatic and tragic events occur all the time. Perhaps something bad happened to you in the past? These experiences can have a powerful influence over the way you see yourself and how you experience the world around you. If you believe your thoughts, feelings and actions are negatively influenced by a past event, it is a good idea to visit a counsellor, psychologist or your local doctor for some one-on-one assistance. You will be amazed at how light and free you will feel once the baggage of your past has been dropped off at the door.
While this book has not been created to assist you with your past, it is here to partner you in your journey towards overcoming your insecurities and feeling more relaxed, happy and comfortable around others.
First of all we need to roll our sleeves up and get to know your personality style! The great thing about the next exercise is that there is no right or wrong, perfect or preferred personality. Each and every one of us is unique so just relax and be honest with yourself.
The following table gives a very broad generalisation of some common personality characteristics. This is not an extensive list and we will stress again—there is no right or wrong! Read through the list and no doubt you will identify with some characteristics.
How did you do? Did you find yourself relating to different characteristics across a few different boxes? That's totally normal. In fact the common 16 personality types are all made up of different combinations of these eight groups of personality characteristics.
To find out exactly what personality type you are, we recommend that you complete the internationally recognised Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test. It is a free, online, self-scoring test which will tell you what type you are, then you can go and learn all about your personality type. To complete the MBTI test right now, visit: http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html
While completing the personality test is beneficial in your journey to get to know yourself better, it is not essential for you to be able to continue with our next exciting exercise about making the most of your strengths.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from How To Be Yourselfby Jane Briscoe Simone Essex Copyright © 2012 by Simone Essex and Jane Briscoe. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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