The Devil's Dictionaries

A modern updating of "The Devil's Dictionary." This book contains slightly over 650 definitions: 200 by Bierce, 300 from Chaz Bufe's "American Heretic's Dictionary," and 150 new definitions Bufe wrote for this volume. The book also contains 48 illustrations by J.R. Swanson.

Some Sample Definitions
"The Devil's Dictionaries" consists of approximately 660 definitions--210 definitions by Ambrose Bierce, from his "Devil's Dictionary," and 450 definitions by Chaz Bufe--accompanied by 48 illustrations by J.R. Swanson. The 210 definitions by Bierce comprise all those that still pack a punch, and that modern readers would still find amusing. The definitions by Bufe are all modern, having been written in the 1990s.

To give you a better idea of the contents, here are 24 sample definitions--12 from Bierce, 12 from Bufe:

From Bierce:

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

ALTAR, n. The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrifical victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.

BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent . . .

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge of things without parallel.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. . . .

REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.

From Bufe (all definitions copyright (c) 1995 by Chaz Bufe):

AMERICANISM, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities which make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, follow your boss's orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a bottle, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom.

BESTIALITY, n. Sick, perverted sex between a human being and a registered Republican.

DIFFERENT, adj. The same. As in, "Trust me. Things will be different this time."

GOD, n. 1) A three-letter justification for murder; 2) An unsavory character found in many popular works of fiction; 3) An explanation that means "I have no explanation."

HELL, n. A place of everlasting torment, much like the United States during an election year.

MASTURBATION, n. An extremely disgusting act performed on a regular basis by everyone *else*.

PARASITOLOGY, n. See "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

PRAYER, n. n. A form of begging, unusual in that it's often practiced as a solitary activity. When performed in groups, it is normally referred to as "worship."

PRO-LIFE, adj. 1) Pro-death (of political opponents and of women through back-alley abortions); 2) Vitally concerned with the wellbeing of "babies" right up to the moment of their birth--at which time they become "welfare cases" and "future criminals" undeserving of such luxuries as housing, health care, adequate nutrition, and a decent education. This has led some unsympathetic observers to conclude that the interest of "pro-lifers" in the welfare of "babies" is purely hypocritical, and that they are, in fact, motivated primarily by misogyny and anti-sexual "moral" hysteria--that their true interest is in causing as much misery as possible to sexually active women by forcing them to carry unwanted pregnancies to term. This, however, is not the case. If "pro-lifers" truly lacked concern about the welfare of the unwanted babies born as a result of "pro-life" policies, they wouldn't be so willing--in fact, so eager--to have taxpayers shoulder the crushing costs of building the prisons necessary to house those "babies" later in their lives.

SELF-MADE MAN, n. A businessman with a fortune of $10 million who began life under the burden of inheriting a mere $1 million.

TEN COMMANDMENTS, n. pl. The fundamental moral precepts of the christian and jewish faiths, and a fine set of guiding lights for us all. Some low-minded skeptics have suggested that god could have improved upon these inspired moral principles if it had dropped the commandments concerning swearing, idol worship, sexual exclusivity, and resting on the sabbath, and had instead instituted bans on slavery, torture and cruelty; but these suggestions are obviously ill-advised and sacrilegious. If slavery, torture, and cruelty were true moral evils, organized christiianity would not have condoned, instigated, and practiced all three for the better part of two millennia. Fortunately, most christians realize this and do not bother themselves about trifles such as cruelty, torture, and economic exploitation. Instead, they rightly concentrate their moral outrage on the true evils of "obscene" books and pictures, "filthy" language, and the sexual practices of their neighbors.