Kevin Anthony Rasberry is a native of Orangeburg SC currently living in Columbia SC. He is a combat veteran of the United States Army, An Alumnus of Claflin University and currently a student at Limestone College studying Psychology and Christian studies.

Decisions and Consequences

The Realities of Being a ManBy Kevin Rasberry

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Kevin Rasberry
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4685-5239-3

Contents

Foreword...............................................ixPreface................................................xiLeadership.............................................1Our Children...........................................7Cheating & Deception...................................22The Boys...............................................47Attraction, Commitment and Respect.....................55Domestic Violence and Verbal Abuse.....................69Ending Commentary......................................90Thank You..............................................97References.............................................99

Chapter One

Leadership

Leadership can be done by anyone at anytime at any place. Effective leadership requires the right person. As men, we are inherently seen as the leaders of our homes, communities, and the world. That's not to say women can't lead or won't lead. They are a part of mankind and as this world continues to evolve, women in leadership will increase more and more.

The leadership that I am getting at in this book is men being in their designed place for the world to be where it should be. It's not enough for us to just do and have what we want. Even if we don't have a woman or a family we should be pillars in our communities, on our jobs, and with our friends and family. We are responsible for more than we can even understand sometimes.

So what is leadership, and how do we activate it and get better at it as we evolve in our life? It's defined as a position or function of a leader; the ability to lead; act or instance of leading; guidance; direction and the leader of a group. If you look at that definition carefully the one element that brings it all together is leader. That's pretty simple because it's the person who leads but it is also the directing head. A man is inherently the leader because we are ultimately held responsible for just about everything that goes on in the world in one form or another.

Nothing shows our leadership or lack of leadership more than our families. The details in society's problems are what we fail to see, and the importance of effective leadership has generational-type effects which ultimately outline the structure of our society as a whole. Look at it like this; a boy from a fatherless home doesn't get the leadership qualities nurtured in him by his designated leader, and that leaves mom to do the best she can to just raise a respectable young man. The boy develops discipline issues because mom does know the unique way to activate and control those man qualities. The boy goes on to be rebellious and doesn't focus on reaching his full potential. He begins to follow the closest thing that's familiar to how he is feeling, which is another boy who's acting out, and that boy influences him into a life of law breaking. He develops a disrespect for women because he never saw, nor was he taught chivalry. He can't hold down a job because it doesn't pay him enough to look like the men he sees on television. He didn't get the best education, and he is still living with his mom frustrated and angry. He wants to be a man, but he has no idea how to be one.

You think that was far-fetched? That it's an extreme example? It's more common today than a man with a college degree. As a matter of fact, that is a good example because he didn't have a bunch of kids yet that he can't take care of, and he hasn't killed someone while trying to steal their stuff! If you didn't notice, that's becoming the new norm. Some of us never had a father or a father figure in our lives. I don't mean "Uncle so and so" or Granddad, but a father figure who was there every day, teaching us how important it was to be organized, smartly dressed, and the importance of having good character. We know it's different when it comes from our dad ... our dad!

Because some men didn't want to be in their designated place of leadership, there are millions of boys in this country and around the world, for that matter, who are about to be in a cycle similar to that example. We are putting women on the front line to fight a battle that they will never be equipped to handle and win. Sure they will fight the good fight and give it everything they've got, but it's futile, and the sad thing is, we know it. These women will ultimately lose at trying to instill in these boys what they need to have to be the men they need to be as a whole. They won't even be able to fully prepare our daughters on how to deal with the boys and men of this day and age. They can't take them out on a date and make them feel like a lady, they don't know the daddy tricks we teach or daughters so they know what to expect. We have to be there!

We have leaders that have risen from the ashes like President Barack Obama from fatherless homes, but those are odds that we should not be comfortable with. I often revert back to my memory of my father and all of the moments of life talks we used to have while he worked on something to make money for the house. One of the greatest lessons I can remember that I use every day is, "Don't leave your business unfinished for another man to finish." A man is to be on post at all times. That means that we are to lead by example, we are to be providers one way or another, and we are to be our families point of reference for whatever they don't know. Like I said before we have to be there.

We know all too well those situations when a woman is going ballistic, crying and scared because there is a huge light bill that has to be paid now and there is no money to pay it, but we are sitting there like we're in space and "it is what it is" and we're not fazed by the situation, right? But what's the truth? On the inside we crying like babies, wrecking our minds trying to figure this out. We feel like punks because we can't pay this bill! We feel low because she is ranting and raving and we know that we are responsible. How are these kids going to manage in the dark? We can't cook and it's our fault. Am I right about it, guys?

Being a man is being a leader whether we want to embrace it or not. There are things that are a part of human fulfillment that are fundamental. Our basic needs have to be met or we will feel like losers especially when we have a family that depends on our decisions and will either suffer or benefit from the consequences. The realities of being a man are that we are ultimately responsible for the basics of human fulfillment in our families. It comes with the territory. There is little-to-no sympathy to be had for it because our society is on a downward slope. There are not enough man hands on deck.

An old Chinese proverb says, "Not the cry, but the flight of a wild duck leads the flock to fly and follow." We have to get out here and get it done with no excuses. Our sons are watching how to manage this life thing and our daughters are watching so they know what to expect from a man when she is approached by them. Being a leader requires us to make tough decisions and be consistent. Being a leader means we have to be where we are supposed to be all the time.

Remember the Cowboy and Indian movies when we were small? Remember when the Indians would leave the camp to go hunt and fish? Every time those Cowboys would come and wreck the camp, steal the women, food and the valuables. That's what it's like when we are not in place, our families are defenseless. Yeah we have to go out and work and provide but when we don't prepare our house to withstand in our absence it will surely fall. How can they learn if we're not around to teach them?

To have our homes prepared properly requires a lot of training and leadership from us. We have so many different things that we have to nurture pretty much every day. We have to be a partner in a relationship, which requires us to make time to listen, understand, and be a compassionate partner. We must be a financial leader of the house, making sure funds are coming in, bills are being paid, and food is there for the family. Side note here is that it makes no difference where the most money in your house comes from, you are the leader and you are responsible for things being taken care of. Yes, you communicate with your woman about financial matters. She might even write out the checks, but make no mistake about it, it is ultimately our responsibility that it gets done.

It means being daddy, teaching, and mentoring our kids daily. Asking our kids the tough questions that we know they are going to be faced with in life, giving them their time with us, and telling them from our heart that we love them. Most important is that they see us doing the right thing all the time. They see how well we treat and respect mom, giving them a mental foundation of what they should want in a relationship. We are the maintenance man, the sounding board for all of the problems in the house, the referee for the fights and disagreements, the disciplinarian, and the counselor.

I never said it was easy to be a leader but since it is a part of what we are, we might as well do it the right way. We can make this easier by laying out a plan, a method to carry out the plan, and executing that plan. We have to believe in our abilities to be a good leader, but know that there are resources when we feel stumped. There is no need to just throw up our hands and drop everything because it's going to get tough sometimes. That advice our woman is giving us all the time at some point is going to feel like nagging, the kid's fussing is going to get on our nerves, and the bills are always going to be on time in our mailboxes.

No matter our responsibilities, we have to make a few moments for ourselves. We have to recharge and have time to step back and evaluate our plans. Frustration will cloud our rational thinking and focus. Most times our outlet is watching the game or hanging out with the guys, and that helps us get things off of our mind and relax because usually most men go through similar things. Leaders are always thinking of what's next and how to delegate and manage so things can keep going, but down time is essential to long term success. This is when the overall vision of what you have been teaching and showing everyone will begin to manifest itself in your house.

We will have this life thing on automatic pilot before we know it. But it's going to require us to put the work in for everybody to know what to do. Sacrifice is a part of being a man and if you plan to be a good leader at some point you will have to sacrifice. It may be time, space, money, peace and quiet, in-laws, your favorite sandwich you had in the refrigerator, or putting in the extra hours on the job. Know that it is okay, guys. It will pay off when you overhear your woman telling her mom or friends how great a man you are, or when the kids brag about all the things their dad can do, or that feeling you get when you pull into your driveway at your house with your family in the car and know that you have lead your family on a mission that made that house a home.

Just by being a leader in our own homes, we will have others who begin to watch us and see how we make it through, and then they want to have it better in their homes like we do. They begin to volunteer to sit at the PTO meeting and be involved in their kid's educational experience. They will begin to read their kids and talk to the kids in the neighborhood about why it's important not to litter and ride bikes on the right side of the road. A good leader becomes infectious and before we know it, we have communities that take care of each other again. It has to start with all of us making the right decisions to be where we should be.

Chapter Two

Our Children

They are our children. Daddy's girl and Daddy's little man. Our children are supposed to be the light of our lives and our ultimate responsibility. They feed our pride factor of being Dad. Yet so many men walk away from their children and leave them to be raised by everyone but them. So many other people have to step up to be mentors, creating a seriously difficult environment for the children and the mother. No matter how good a mother she is, no matter the extensive discipline and love she instills, a woman can raise a respectable young man but she can't teach him how to be a man. It is a very disheartening thing to go to a football game for my son with his Mom and see maybe 4 or 5 dads out of 25 or so kids. Why is that?

So how do we solve this issue? We understand that some relationships just don't or won't work out for whatever reason. We will address our mate choosing later, but right now that has nothing to do with our children and how much they need to have Dad in their lives. I went through a period of separation from my children as I went through divorce and it was devastating for both them and me because we were all used to dad always being involved in their lives in everything from homework, to cooking, to football practice or just talking.

They feel safe with us around. No matter if it's weekends or birthdays or on the holiday rotation, it's crucial to stay active in their lives. They sense a different type of discipline when we are involved. They have a tendency to stay focused, be happier and more well-rounded. Especially our little girls as they cling to our every word and dollar, they want us to know that they love Daddy being around. We tend to allow how we feel about their mothers and our situations to dictate how we are involved with our children.

Trust me when I say I know the baby mama drama all too well! I think I may have a patent on it or something, but the fact still remains that I am a father and I have the responsibility of taking care of my children. So knowing no matter what we say or do, the relationship with their mom will probably never be a buddy-buddy relationship simply because the relationship failed.

That is normal, and over the course of time if we continue to be daddy and treat their mom with respect, those screams will turn to whispers and those whispers will turn to silence. The key is that we must be consistently there for our children other than what they take out of our checks. Paying the bills does not excuse us from being involved in our children's lives. They look to us as the example for what to do in crisis, pick friends, ride bikes, play sports and deal with authority. Mom does a great job when she is the only option but why should she be the only option?

When I was separated from my children I was a mean and evil mess! Yes, I had an undiagnosed condition but I didn't want to talk to anyone, do anything or hear any advice. But it was the perfect time for me to hear from somebody else. It was that time that a man who was stepping up and being a man, no matter the situation he was in, stepped in and told me I was wrong. What? I'm wrong? How? The how was the fact that I was screaming and yelling right back at their mother. I felt like she had my children and she was dictating when I got to see them and what I could do with them. The ultimate grudge matches ... CUSTODY!

Here is a hint with how to deal with the children's mother or mothers if you have multiple ones: don't say anything until after they speak. Don't say anything that's not about the children, no matter what she says or how she attacks, say nothing. Silence is golden here and a must at achieving peace in this type of relationship. Otherwise there is going to be a war that we are probably not going to win. There are rules written and unwritten that we have to learn to play by, unfortunately. The more we resist the fact that she has control over us seeing the children the worse it's going to be. But that is not a "Daddy Is Free" card!

We have to make phone calls to the kids, visit their schools, and be involved in their activities, no matter what it may be. Mom can only keep those kids from us for so long when they are saying often that they miss Daddy and they want to see us. As the old saying goes sugar makes it sweeter not ... well, you get the point there. Here is some statistical data on fatherless homes that we really need to take a look at.

Incarceration Rates. "Young men who grow up in homes without fathers are twice as likely to end up in jail as those who come from traditional two-parent families ... those boys whose fathers were absent from the household had double the odds of being incarcerated—even when other factors such as race, income, parent education and urban residence were held constant." (Cynthia Harper of the University of Pennsylvania and Sara S. McLanahan of Princeton University cited in "Father Absence and Youth Incarceration." Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.)

Suicide. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Bureau of the Census)

Behavioral Disorders. 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (United States Center for Disease Control)

High School Dropouts. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools)

Educational Attainment. Kids living in single-parent homes or in step-families report lower educational expectations on the part of their parents, less parental monitoring of school work, and less overall social supervision than children from intact families. (N.M. Astore and S. McLanahan, American Sociological Review, No. 56, 1991)

Juvenile Detention Rates. 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept, 1988)

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Excerpted from Decisions and Consequencesby Kevin Rasberry Copyright © 2012 by Kevin Rasberry. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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