My wife and I had filed for divorce when Chris shared the materials in this book. That was more than five years ago. Now we are not just married, we are living happily ever after" -Tim Quintario, a happy husband Statistics say that fifty-two percent of marriages end in divorce and that more than half the children in America do not have a father figure in their life. This is a tragedy, but it's one that can be remedied one husband at a time-starting with you. In 21 Days to Happily Ever After, author Chris Broughton presents a twenty-one day program for Christian husbands centering on nine responsibilities designed to help strengthen marriages. A compilation of lessons learned during Broughton's thirty-two years of marriage and fifteen years of ministering to marriages, this guide offers a series of biblical truths to help men become better leaders, providers, lovers, warriors, advocates, standard bearers, forgivers, reconcilers, and intercessors. With engaging stories and appropriate analogies, 21 Days to Happily Ever After communicates what God expects of every man and shows you how to apply these principles to everyday life in order to live happily ever after with your wife"
21 Days to Happily Ever After
A Christian Guy's Guide to Being Happily MarriedBy Chris BroughtoniUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2012 Chris Broughton
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4759-4256-9Chapter One
On your mark, get set, go! The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. Walt Disney
After more than fifteen years of providing guidance and encouragement to married couples, I have come to the conclusion that no couple wants to be divorced; they simply have not figured out how to live happily ever after. This book is a compilation of lessons I've learned over the last thirty-two years of marriage and fifteen years of ministering to marriages, along with some suggestions for practical application of the lessons. I've written it from my perspective as a husband, as a guide for other husbands. I believe that complete happiness in a marriage requires a husband leading the way, and you can do that by learning and practicing "The Nine Responsibilities of a Husband" presented in section 2 of this book. You will learn the biblical truth about being a provider, lover, warrior, advocate, and intercessor. You will lift high the standard of holiness in your home and lead your family in an atmosphere of forgiveness and reconciliation. A home led by a husband acting on these responsibilities will be filled with peace and happiness and will provide a place for your wife to thrive and be "the wife of noble character" described in Proverbs 31.
This book has twenty-one chapters presented in three sections. Each chapter focuses on a specific aspect of marriage and concludes with guidance for applying what you have learned to your marriage right away. I've purposely kept the chapters short to enable you to get through a chapter each day for twenty-one days—at the end of which you will have developed a set of tools that will move heaven and earth in favor of your marriage. Hear me clearly: this book simply presents opportunities, and you must take advantage of them if you expect to see results. You will begin to live happily ever after only if you choose to work at it.
The wise man in Matthew 7:24–25 built his house on rock so it could stand strong, even when the wind and the rain beat against it. Chapters 2 through 5 will help you establish a similarly solid foundation for your journey to Happily Ever After, with the following rules as building blocks:
• Know you have a relationship with Christ.
• Believe the Holy Bible as the source of truth.
• Understand that God has called you to be a husband in a one-flesh relationship with your wife.
Chapters 6 to 16 present the nine responsibilities of a husband, along with opportunities to practice what God is showing you. As you read them, be encouraged: I have never met an unhappy husband who is acting out these responsibilities.
The chapters in the final third of this book, Chapters 17 to 21, will encourage you to make a difference in your marriage daily, as you apply what you have learned. In doing so you will come to love your wife, lead your family in salvation and forgiveness, and raise the standard of holiness in your home.
The appendix at the end of this book includes some useful documents to help you on your walk to Happily Ever After.
Meet Jim
Jim and I met when he was just about ready to pack it in and give up on his marriage. A construction worker, Jim had been married to Sheila for sixteen years; they had two teenage daughters who kept them busy with sports and school events. A friend of Jim's had advised him to call me for help, so we made an appointment to have lunch together and talk about his situation.
Over lunch we talked about how he and Sheila had met and married, and he bragged about his wonderful daughters. Then, after I felt that I knew a little about his life, I asked him how he and Sheila were doing now. I noticed that when Jim talked about falling in love with and marrying his wife, it was as if he were celebrating his wedding day all over again, and when he described his beautiful daughters, his eyes were full of excitement and a zest for life. But as he began describing the current state of his relationship with Sheila, his sadness showed on his face, and his body language was that of a defeated man. He clearly was not on the road to Happily Ever After.
"I am ready to just leave!" he said, describing his daily battle to make Sheila happy. "I'm worn out with it. No matter what I try, she has a problem with it."
The fighting and arguing between Jim and Sheila had become constant; they seemed never to get along. Jim was 100 percent sure he could not continue to live with the fighting—he had been advised by many of his divorced friends that he should leave the old battle-ax and start living the happy life of a divorced man. I told him divorce was not the answer (Mal. 2:13–16).
As it turns out, Jim was having trouble being happy in several areas of his life. He no longer knew what was important to him—"I'm just not sure what I really want" is how he said it. He had lost his way, and as a result he was feeling confused and sometimes even hopeless.
"Jim, what would you like to see different in your life?" I asked him.
"Oh, that's easy," he said. "I want peace in my house, I want my kids to grow up to be great citizens, and I want to love my wife more fully. But I also want to be able to afford a new V-twin motorcycle with loud exhaust and so much chrome you have to put sunglasses on to even look at it."
"Is that all?" I said.
"Yeah," he said. "If only I could just push a button and make that happen." He hung his head a little. "If only," he said again, under his breath.
After meeting with and helping husbands just like Jim for years, I've become convinced of one important fact: no man wants to be divorced; he simply has not learned how to live happily ever after. As I listened to Jim, I recognized a story I'd heard over and over again. So many husbands feel unfulfilled because they are not living as if they are still on their honeymoon, or worse, they are so tired of living like this that they are ready to divorce the woman they once loved.
Current statistics say that 52 percent of marriages end in divorce, and more than half the children in America do not have a father figure in their life. This is a tragedy. But it's a tragedy we can do something about, one husband at a time—starting with you.
The tools
There are a few tools you will need to gather before we get started. Fortunately, they are simple tools, requiring little space to keep and carry. Kind of like the Pocket Fisherman, only better—because they really, really work.
1) The first tool is your Bible. Pick the one you like to read, the one you carry to church. Too often we get tangled up in discussions about whether we should read the King James or the NIV or the New American Amplified with study notes and maps in the back. The important thing is to pick a Bible that you will read and can understand and will carry with you. God is a big boy. He'll make sure he speaks to you through whatever version you choose.
2) The second tool is a journal. A journal is a good way to keep track of what God is doing in your life. It doesn't have to be fancy, and you don't have to start every entry with "Dear Diary." If it makes you feel better, call it your "Captain's Log" and start every entry with "Star Date 20100101"—whatever suits you is cool. The point is, a journal needs to be written to you, by you, and for you. If you want to write your journal in some sort of personal shorthand or secret code, or if you want to write it with a crayon on the back of a cereal box, that's fine. Just do it. Your journal will serve to remind you of three important things:
• where you are
• where you want to go
• how God is moving you there
3) The third tool is "The Nine Responsibilities of a Husband." They are the meat of section 2 and are listed again in appendix A. If you wish, you can turn to the appendix right now and read through them, but there will be plenty of time for that later.
That's it. That's all you need. No big new toolbox needed. (Of course, if you want a new toolbox, please go get one. Because as men, we should all subscribe to this little piece of wisdom from NASCAR driver Richard Hampton: "There is no job so small that you don't need a new tool for it." But I digress ...)
Encouragement to run the race
Each chapter of this book will introduce one idea aimed at moving you down the road to Happily Ever After. Each chapter will end with a conclusion and a direction to read, pray, and write in your journal. Be sure to take the time to complete each of these tasks.
Most men lead very busy lives, and many find it hard to fit tasks like these into their daily schedule. I know that the title of this book, 21 Days to Happily Ever After, implies that you must complete a chapter every day—but before you start, please ask God if that is what he wants you to do. If it takes you sixty days to do the twenty- one days, so be it—but don't skip parts of the book to fit an arbitrary timetable. Read each chapter to get the fundamentals, and answer all the questions to ensure you understand the ideas presented there. Do the assignments; they're not hard, and they won't take all that long. And be sure to document in your journal what you are seeing, hearing, or feeling.
As you progress through the twenty-one chapters, you will begin to see a difference in your relationship with your God and your wife—likely in that order. If you have the courage to embrace your responsibilities, you will be forever changed, and you will indeed live happily ever after. It may be as tough, as exciting, and as rewarding as any two-a-day preseason practice. You may feel sore in places you have not felt before. You may even want to quit partway through, but I encourage you to press on and exercise your God-given ability to fulfill your responsibility as a husband. Your wife will love you for it, our God will reward you for it, and your children and their children will be blessed by your actions.
As you progress, be sure to let us know how you are doing. You can join our community at facebook.com/21-days-to-happily-ever-after or contact us directly via our website, Genesis2-24. net/21 days.
God bless you and your whole household.
Conclusion
No man wants to be divorced, but no man wants to live unhappily, either. We all have dreams and ambitions and work hard to accomplish them. Be encouraged: God is on your side, and he has provided a way for you to live happily ever after with your wife.
Read ... Ephesians 5—the whole chapter. Note that Paul first instructs us to live our lives as Christians, in a way that pleases God. Then he addresses how to live our lives as husbands.
Pray ... for the wisdom to discern your goals for your life, your marriage, and your family.
Write ... the heading GOALS and today's date at the top of the first page of your journal. Then write at least three goals by completing these sentences:
1) The goal for my life is ...
2) The goal for my marriage is ...
3) The goal for my family is ...
Chapter Two
Taking inventory
You get what you inspect, not what you expect. W. Edwards Deming
After years of helping men learn how to be happy, I can honestly say that you must have a rock-solid foundation to launch your journey to Happily Ever After. That foundation defines who you are, and it must contain the following basic truths, which will form the bedrock of your walk as a Christian husband:
• The Bible is true, and it is the only source of truth that really matters.
• My name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life, and nothing can take us from God's hand.
• My wife was made by God to be my perfect helper, and my marriage is a covenant relationship.
Knowing where you stand on these three matters is an important step toward being who you are called to be, a husband, and it will guide how you act and react in your marriage.
Meet William
"I am so mad I could spit nails," William said, as soon as I answered the phone.
I paused a second, checked the caller ID to make sure I knew who I was talking to, and said, "Hold on there, slick, what's wrong?"
I heard him exhale angrily. "Cindy promised she would be here in time to help with inventory so we could go out tonight."
William's wife was very involved with a local charity and often ran late. She was sweet, but she had a bad habit of getting talked into helping with projects and forgetting she had promised to help her husband with the small business they owned. She was a hard worker and would definitely get her work done, but too often William felt as if he took second place.
After I had gotten an angry earful, including some choice words unbecoming to the man of God to whom I was speaking, I said, "Let's take a quick inventory before we go further." William knew what was coming next. He didn't like it at first, but he knew it was the right thing to do. So we started the inventory together:
"Are God and the Bible still your source of truth?"
"Yes," he said.
"Is your name in the Lamb's Book of Life?"
"Of course!" he said.
"Is Cindy that perfect helper, sent by God specifically for you, and is your marriage a covenant relationship?"
When William answered, he sounded almost offended. "You know she is," he said. "I love her more than anything ... she just makes me mad sometimes."
I continued the inventory by asking, "Are you planning to stay with her forever? Or is this the deal-breaker?"
"That's silly. You know I would never leave her. She means the world to me."
"Great, William," I said. "Now, what was it that was so important that you were ready to spit nails at your perfect helper?"
William and I spent a little time talking about how he could lovingly tell Cindy what he needed rather than unleashing the wrath he had planned. I wanted to help him remember who he is and that the circumstances around him cannot change that. William set his anger aside long enough to inspect the foundation on which he was standing. It was much easier to love his wife when his feet were planted on the rock-steady, biblical foundation built on the assurance that:
• the Bible is true, and it is the only source of truth that really matters;
• his name is in the Lamb's Book of Life, and nothing can take him from God's hand; and
• God made his wife specifically to be his perfect helper.
I happened to have dinner at the same restaurant as William and Cindy later that same night. Judging from the way they were staring into each other's eyes, they must have worked out their differences ... and had fun doing it.
How to take inventory
The first thing I teach every husband is how to take an inventory of the foundation on which he stands. I teach him to do this often to prepare him to love his wife no matter the situation or circumstance. You can compare taking inventory to the routine a baseball player goes through when he's getting ready to bat: he'll knock the mud off his cleats, dig the loose dirt out of the batter's box, adjust his helmet and uniform. He makes all these preparations before he swings the bat, because he knows that once the pitcher throws the ball, he will have about half a second to react. Like a batter getting ready to face a 95-mile-per-hour pitch, you need to take inventory of who you are and what you believe before you take action.
The first time you take inventory, you may still be in the process of deciding what you really believe. Don't worry about that. What's more important is that you are honest with the inventory and that you figure out the areas you need to work on. And feel free to take inventory as often as you need to. Just like swinging a bat, the more often you do it, the better you get at it. When I spoke with William, for example, it was likely the tenth time we had taken inventory together—and I have no idea how many times he had asked himself these questions.
The inventory process is really easy. Simply ask yourself the following:
1) Do I always believe the Bible is true, cover to cover?
2) Am I sure that my name is in the Lamb's Book of Life?
3) Do I plan to live with my wife no matter what, "until death do us part"?
Maturing your foundation
You may find that your beliefs will mature and evolve as you take inventory over and over. For example, my belief that the Bible is true was challenged by a health crisis in my family, when my little brother, Clay, was diagnosed with a fatal form of cancer. Satan began to tell me that perhaps the Bible was true only sometimes, because Clay was not getting well despite my prayers for him.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from 21 Days to Happily Ever Afterby Chris Broughton Copyright © 2012 by Chris Broughton. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
