CHAPTER 1
The Ego is Who You Think You Are
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Be careful how you are talking toyourself because you are listening
—Lisa M. Hayes
This quote by Lisa Hayes reminds us that we are listeningto our self-talk. We develop opinions about who we are aswe collect data during our everyday experiences. We listen atmany levels and absorb data from many sources, around the clock.Although we are not aware that we are listening, we are taking ininformation at an astounding speed. We are often not consciouslyaware of the information we are absorbing, yet that information iswhat our ego identity draws on, as we live each day.
I would like to demonstrate this by sharing the story of a littlegirl who was sent to live with her aunt and uncle for the first fewyears of her life.
Then when she was roughly three years old and her fatherhad been released from jail, she returned to live with her parents.Her father was an alcoholic and a heroin user. Her mother wasoverwhelmed by life and angry much of the time.
Her father took this little girl to the bars with him andprostituted her, starting when she was three and continuing untilshe was a young teen. Her mother constantly called her a tramp,told her she was ugly and useless, and said she had better pray thatsome man would want her when she grew up.
The girl loved to spend time with her dad and played guitarwith him. Her dad liked to laugh and sing and was not angry andmean like her mother.
Her mother scolded her for being a daddy's girl and made herserve the men booze and clean up after the wild parties. When thegirl complained, her mother would often put her in a closet or adirt cellar, telling her she needed to think about her disobedienceand bad behavior and be grateful that she had a home. The familymoved from one abandoned building to another. This meantchanging schools every few months.
The mother sent the girl to work cleaning houses onweekends when she was eight. When the girl no longer wantedto knock on doors and clean houses, her mother made her liveon the streets, telling her to learn to appreciate the good homeshe had.
At fourteen, the girl got a job and helped her family pay thebills. As the eldest of five, she continued to care for and supporther siblings while living on the streets. She felt there was lessviolence there than in her home.
She was told that she was not smart enough, that there wasnot enough money for her to continue her education, and thatschool was a waste anyway, since girls just got married. Shewas reminded daily that her biggest problem was that she was adreamer and that expecting she could achieve an education fedthe side of her that would not accept reality.
At twenty-one, this young woman was sharing her days withbitter, frustrated people who expected to be shortchanged by life.
Would you agree that this was not an ideal childhood? Do youthink that this girl was disadvantaged and that she would likely belimited in life? Do you think she had a strong sense of self-worth?Would you expect her to be confident or to need guidance? Do youthink it highly unlikely that this girl could grow up to be a healthy,confident, and contributing adult without a lot of therapy?
I can assure you that this girl did not surrender to thelimitations set by her parents and her childhood experiences. Infact, this child is now a confident and respected woman whompeople admire and trust. I can assure you of this because this ismy story, or at least a snippet of it.
If you are saying "wow" or feeling a sense of awe, then I wouldlike to introduce you to your authentic self. It is your genuine selfthat felt awe and joy that this child did not fall into the cracks ofsociety or become an abuser or a drug addict. It is your ego that issurprised, shocked, and doubtful that this is true. Your ego maybe suggesting that there must be a catch, something that is notbeing said or perhaps being exaggerated.
Our ego tells us that surviving such a devastating childhoodis highly improbable and quite rare—especially without therapy,counseling, or rescue. When your ego tells you it is not that simpleand you agree, you do not put a lot of faith in your ability tochange or make much effort to do so. If you want to change yourlife but agree with the limited awareness of your ego, you can besabotaged, confused, challenged, and insecure. You may feel thatyou cannot trust your own thoughts.
I have repeatedly experienced this obstacle. It took me manyyears to understand that the reason I felt stuck, stupid, andhopeless was not because my mother told me these things as achild, but because, forty years later, my ego was still remindingme of these words. For years, I questioned how I could be affectedfor a lifetime by the words and experiences of my early years whenI had no choice but to be where I was. I walked away from thatenvironment forever at twenty-one.
From where I sit today, at fifty-eight, my first twenty-one yearswere a mere blip in my life. My intellect told me it made no sensethat these years should have a grip on me, yet my life's experienceswere textbook for someone with my background: betrayal afterbetrayal, disappointment, heartbreak, loss, bankruptcy, divorce,sabotage, homelessness at forty, cancer, allergies, poor decisions,repeated cycles, and many, many tears. With thousands of volumesof information to consume, I was relentless, intent on figuring outhow something that happened to me so many years ago, somethingout of my control, could have such a hold over me for a lifetime.I read, listened to speakers, attended seminars, studied, did allthe homework, and followed the suggestions. I even broke a one-inch-thickpiece of wood with my bare hand during a seminar ondeveloping self-confidence and breaking barriers. I did it withouthurting myself or drawing one drop of blood! Each time my hopeswere dashed. As I faced bad news or another disappointment, Iwould curl up and cry. In my darkest despair, I felt useless andunwanted, unloved, and frustrated.
Still, I could not accept that I deserved a life sentence ofloneliness, despair, and worthlessness. I could not imagine thatany child could be born with such a black cloud hanging over her. Iclung to the belief that like all people, I was born lovable, valuable,and beautiful. I was convinced that we all have the right to be loved,cared for, and respected, to be happy even if our family membersare not happy. I also understood that with free will we all have theright to make choices, and I believed, as I endured my childhood,that when I turned fourteen I would be old enough to make thosechoices and no longer be restricted by the anger and neglect thatruled my home. I knew as a child that if I stayed alive, kept my witsabout me, and remained clean (no sex, drugs, or alcohol) I could oneday be a businesswoman with an education and a happy family.
That dream is what kept me going as I maneuvered past theobstacles blocking my road. I had never thought that it wouldtake this long or be such an interesting journey. At fourteen, myview of what I needed to succeed was simplistic. Despite the manychallenges, I blossomed into the woman I am proud to be today.To achieve this, I had to face many things about myself and whoI thought I was, including the limitations imposed by my ego.The final step that brought me to the place where I now live as myauthentic self, as the person I knew existed when I was a child,was learning to dance with my ego. I hope you will embark onthis journey with me and learn to dance with your ego. I hopethat in sharing what I discovered along my path, I can help youcreate shortcuts on yours. My greatest desire is for you to feel freeto live as your genuine self—to live as who you were born to bebefore the world interfered with the perfect you.
Post these words where you can see them every day: Beyondthe limited awareness of my ego, I am beautiful, I am valued, Iam enough, and I am loved unconditionally.
CHAPTER 2
Dance Partners for Life
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God wisely designed the human bodyso that we can neither pat our ownbacks nor kick ourselves too easily.
—Author Unknown
Thousands of books are available to help us make choicesas we maneuver through life. We must live by manyexpectations and rules if we want to be viewed as successful,spiritual, balanced, healthy, wholesome, and beautiful. Wedevour tips on how to make career and fashion choices, onwhat foods are healthy, on how to make friends, how to choosehobbies, and how to be interesting. We can't overlook pointers onhow to remain youthful and, most important, on how to attracta soul mate. There are volumes on selecting among candidatesfor life partner. Add to this the hundreds of books on what to dowhen we change our mind (or heart) after concluding we havechosen the wrong partner.
Support is available for those who feel they were shortchangedbecause of family members or career choices and believe theiropportunities are limited. There are tips on how to make it throughthese minefields and overcome life's many challenges. Close, loving,storybook families are the envy of those who feel disconnected fromtheir relatives, so people with family envy issues need pointers aswell. There are also thousands of books on business and wealth.Get rich now, but if you don't, there are support groups. Name thecause, and someone has developed a program, written a book, orset up a foundation to deal with it. Once a problem is labeled andcategorized, someone will create a support group. With all of theblogs, e-newsletters, e-libraries, and online coaching available, weshould have no problems or worries. We can find the evidence to showthat we are not to blame for our challenges, losses, disappointments,or confusion. With all this awareness, information, and support,why is it that people of all ages continue to ask, "Who am I? and"Am I happy?" People spend hours of time and billions of dollarssearching for their purpose on earth and billions more trying toimprove or fix who they are.
Why are we not happy and feeling fulfilled, secure, and loved?We have followed the rules and have all the toys and trappings thatprove we are successful, so why are we not elated? Is it possible that ourauthentic, original self is lost beneath a mountain of information toooverwhelming to sift through? Is it possible that when we say we arelost or feeling out of sorts our genuine self is pleading to be heard?
We select our partners by dating and spending time getting toknow them before making a commitment to be with them, whetherfor a second date or for a lifetime. Why do we take so much timeexploring a potential mate, yet spend no time getting to know whowe are? Knowing who you are is the foundation for success in life.When the cabin pressure on an airplane changes, you are told to donyour own oxygen mask before putting on your child's. Your genuineself needs to be nourished, protected, and heard. Give your inner selfoxygen first, and then find out who you are. Getting to know whoyou are is critical to a life of success, freedom, joy, and peace. Mostof us go from one experience to the next, never stopping to ask if welike who we are or if we even know what we do or do not like. Dowe know what makes us feel good, secure, valued, and loved? Do weknow what will make us sad, insecure, or lonely? I have learned that itis just as important to know ourselves and to choose the attributes wedesire in ourselves as it is to evaluate prospective partners and friends.When we learn how to know and honor our genuine selves, we canstop searching for answers and live in the moment, experiencing lifeto its fullest in whatever way brings us meaning.
When we mindlessly go from day to day, experience to experience,without considering how our genuine self feels about things, we allowour ego to lead us in whatever direction it desires at the moment,without thought or question. Our ego keeps the facts about who weare present in our awareness. These facts are based on what we learn aswe go through life. If we were told when we were six years old that wecouldn't do something, our ego will hold that idea forever, or until wegive the ego new information. Our ego is essentially our pilot throughlife, our source for self-reference. Our ego stores and accesses ourfailures, mistakes, hurts, fears, doubts, anxieties, and all those thingswe felt from childhood until today. Our ego also stores our successesand any new information that we accept as true for ourselves.
It is immaterial to the ego that it doesn't know how to managethe many thoughts and emotions accumulated over a lifetime.The ego does not rationalize or think; it simply stores data. Aswe grow older, our ego does not clean out the files it keeps; itchanges the information only when we give it new data. Frombirth to adulthood, we spend most of our time collecting data onwhat hurts us, what scares us, what makes us laugh, what tastesgood, and what makes others happy, angry, or sad. All this iscollected and stored in our ego. When we react to an experience,the response comes from our ego. We all have an ego. We can'tlive without one. Egos are as individual and varied as peopleare. We say that some people have big egos; we think of them asbeing "full of themselves." We see others as having small egos andadmire their humility. This tells me that egos are not cast in stone.The ego is adaptable and will change when the information it isgiven is updated. With this in mind, we should carefully selectthe information that we want our ego to store. Because the egois our awareness of who we are, if we want to experience peace,love and happiness, the information our ego holds must accuratelyrepresent who we are. If the awareness of who we are is held byour ego, should we not agree with who and what our ego holdsus to be?
To get a better understanding of why the ego self can be sodifferent from the authentic self, I looked up the definitions forauthentic, living, self, ego, and genuine in the Webster's and Oxforddictionaries.
Webster's Dictionary:
• Authentic: adjective—to be "genuine"
• Living: adjective—having life; pertaining to existence;the condition of being alive; the means to support life
• Self: noun—the distinct identity and individuality of a person
• Ego: noun—the conscious self
• Genuine: adjective—authentic: sincere and honest
Oxford English Dictionary:
• Authentic: adjective—of undisputed origin; genuine
• Living: adverb—at the time of something's occurrence
• Self: noun—a person's essential being that distinguishes themfrom other people; a person's particular nature or personality
• Ego: noun—1) a person's sense of worth and importance; 2)the part of the mind that is responsible for the interpretationof reality and a sense of personal identity
• Genuine: adjective—authentic; able to be trusted
Put together:
• Ego: a person's conscious awareness of worth and importance
• Authentic self: genuine; the distinct identity and individualityof a person; a person's essential being that distinguishes himfrom other people; a person's particular nature or personality
• Authentic living: genuine; having life; pertaining toexistence; the condition of being alive; the means tosupport life; at the time of something's occurrenceAuthentic self: the distinct identity of the individual personAuthentic living: the condition of being alive, with themeans to support one's individual life
Based on these definitions, it stands to reason that the consciousawareness of a person's self-worth, the data stored in the ego mind, isnot authentic in and of itself. It is the genuine self that can be relied uponto hold the truth about a person's distinct and individual identity.
With so many definitions of the ego, including "Edge GodOut" or "the part that makes us human," I wanted to be sure of mytheory about the relationship between our ego and our authenticself. These definitions support the idea that everyone has an ego andthat the ego holds our definition (awareness) of our perceived self-worth.Our ego makes us human; it is where the facts supportingour personality, presence, and identity are stored. So, if we need anego to have an identity, why is there such a disconnect between whowe genuinely are and who our ego perceives us to be? The answeris key to resolving the question "Who am I?"
We all know that our spiritual self is beautiful and complete,the way God made us, and that it is politically correct to say,"I am beautiful," "I am wealthy," or "I am creative." We havelearned the value of repeating these statements as affirmations andmantras, yet the core self often resists believing these ideas. Ourego challenges these affirmations with every thought. Drowningout the voice of the ego with chanting and affirmations may workfor some, but not for all. You must be determined to find themethod of reprogramming your ego that works for you, and whenyou find it, you must embrace it, be grateful, and use it!
