Love

"Love is a force more formidable than any other.It is invisible-it cannot be seen or measured,yet it is powerful enough to transform youin a moment, and offer you more joythan any material possession could."(Barbara de Angelis)

LOVE IN THE LGGC (LEGACY) model is the first and most-complexprinciple. However, it, like all the other portals, canbe accessed at any time. First we need to gain knowledge ofdifferent types of love so we can understand what we seek toaccess. We can learn much about the complexity and typesof love from the ancient Greeks. In the Greek language, morethan one word describes love.

Eros describes love that changes from moment to momentbased on varying circumstances. For example, when lovepartners are expressing pleasing words and treating eachother with passion, the warm, fuzzy feeling of love grows,and the desire to spend time together increases. But, whenthe partners are negative or share painful words, they maypull away and choose to spend less time together.

What causes us to consciously pull away? Let's think aboutit. People want to avoid pain and move toward what theyperceive to be pleasure. We not only withdraw from painor negative emotions in romantic relationships, but we alsowithdraw in all other types of relationships, whether withfamily, coworkers, friends, or acquaintances. When wewithdrawal, Eros love dissipates because it is love based uponexternal pain/pleasure circumstances.

Good news! There are options if we want sustainablerelationships. First, we have to expand our understandingof love to extend beyond Eros and consider love a virtuousprinciple.

Love as a Virtue

If we want a kind of love that is enduring and steady under allcircumstances, we can choose agape love. Agape love is oftenreferred to as a general affection or deeper sense of true loveor sacrificial love. This kind of love honors others regardlessof whether the circumstances are pleasant and whether otherssatisfy us or meet our expectations and desires.

To move toward enduring love, I challenge you to think oflove as a virtue rather than as an emotion. Namaste from theHindu tradition means, "I acknowledge the spirit withinyou as the same spirit within me." This kind of love involvesa commitment to stay aware of our oneness with others andall life. Even if someone has a difficult personality or flawedcharacter or if circumstances are not easy, we can still honorthat person from the spiritual perspective because in essence,we are all made of the same spirit.

When we are experiencing life-constricting emotions (e.g.,anger, fear) that seem contrary to maintaining a lovingrelationship, all love is not lost. We can turn our attentionto the principle of love and choose to enter that portal. Lovecalls us to treat others with respect and kindness and to speakgently, even when we don't like what they are doing or sayingor how they look or think. Loving another under difficultcircumstances is respecting the other person's divinity, whichis the same as ours.

Brother Ishmael Tetteh is a contemporary African mysticand spiritual speaker from Ghana author of the book TheWay Forward: Principles and Practices for Practical Living,his main claim in this book is—"Love is not a sentiment; itis a discipline." We must discipline ourselves to rememberthat none of us is outside the spirit of life; none of us is reallyalone. When we insist on remembering this truth of ouroneness, we can honor the divinity of others. When we doso, we are acting out of the principle of love. (Tetteh 2005).

Loving emotions are valuable expressions and experiences ofhuman life. The truth is that when we regard others fromthe perspective of the unchanging principle of oneness, thenrelationships are strengthened and made more beautiful andpowerful. It is up to us in our vision of oneness to give love.Dr. River Smith, in his striking book A Conspiracy to Love,succinctly says, "We don't find love by seeking it; we findlove by giving it." When we give love, let's choose to give itunconditionally. (Smith 2009).

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is treating the other person with kindnessand respect, even when the conditions or circumstances don'tappear to warrant such actions. In his book, Real Love (2003),Dr. Greg Baer explores the destructive effects of conditionallove. Conditional love starts with how our parents expressedtheir acceptance or rejection of our behavior. If we didsomething pleasing, helpful, or smart, our parents or otherinfluential adults would smile and speak to us in a tone of joywith a feeling of approval. They would typically say, "Goodjob!" or "Way to go!" when we made a high grade on ourmath quiz or picked up our scattered toys. We had met ourparents' conditions to express their appreciation of us. Inturn, we felt loved and wanted.

On the other hand, when we did something unpleasing,rough, inconvenient, or seemingly stupid, our parentsmight frown, roll their eyes, sigh heavily, giving us thefeeling that we were not loved when we displeased them.The child simply didn't meet the condition(s) required toget the parents' loving approval. Because of this, we may gothrough life thinking that feeling loved comes from doingsomething to earn the approval of another person. Somechildren may experience love as an ever-changing, unstable,and conditional emotion.

Johannes Bourgeois, a teacher of science of the mind, used toask students to rephrase the common expression, "I deservelove." She taught that as long as we think we have to deservelove, we'll never experience ourselves as worthy and valuable.Instead, try saying, "I am the presence of love" or "Myrelationships are centers of love" or "I bring love with mewherever I go." Having to deserve love leads to people-pleasingand courtship rather than the relaxation of simply knowing weare here to give love, receive love, and be a loving presence.

A mother asking for help regarding her relationship withher son was in a counseling session with Rev. Beckwith, acontemporary new thought speaker and writer. The mothersaid, "I don't know why my son in prison feels so distantfrom me. I visit him regularly, put money on his books, andI always remember to close every visit by saying, `Honey,remember—I love you, no matter what.'" Beckwith urgedher to slightly change the sentence next time. "Just leaveoff the last part and see if that makes a difference," he said.At the end of the next visit, the mother did just that. Shesaid simply, "Honey, remember—I love you." She noticeda subtle expression in her son's eyes that seemed surprised,somehow softer. Over time, the communication betweenthem improved. The "no matter what" had been a reminderof all the unacceptable, disappointing things he had done inthe past. This little phrase had been undermining the feelingof genuine unconditional love his mother really felt inside.(Beckwith 2013 E-source)

Dr. Baer insists that if we identify love with meeting theexpectations or conditions of our parents or others, then aschildren and adults we will demand that others please usand meet up to our needs and expectations. We perpetuatethe cycle of unhappiness brought on by the conditional lovewe are using in our own relationships. We keep blaming ourunhappiness on our partner, our children, our siblings, ourfriends, or others. We are unaware that our own conditionalloving mode (inherited from our upbringing) is what isdestroying our present happiness and setting up our currentrelationships for frustration and failure. Once we understandthe vicious pain/pleasure cycle, we can begin the necessarytransformation toward loving unconditionally, towardexperiencing "real love." By regarding and treating otherswith respect, we stand on the solid ground of principle ratherthan on passing emotions and temporary conditions.

Self-Love and Respect

Having respect for others is not possible unless we haverespect for ourselves. By respect, naturally, I don't mean beingimpressed by our own title, status, position, or appearance. Imean honoring our inner divine being. In Christianity, Mark12:31 says to love your neighbor as yourself.

We must first love and respect ourselves before we can trulygive love and respect to our neighbors. Daylee DeannaSchwartz urges us in her book, How Do I Love Me, to getout of the habit of focusing on shortcomings and get into thehabit of giving positive qualities more attention. (Schwartz2012).

To build self-love and overcome low self-esteem is to changehow we feel emotionally about ourselves. To change ouremotion requires changing two different core beliefs aboutself-image. The first core belief that hinders self-love is afalse belief that we are not good enough. The second falsecore belief is that we are not who we should be. We can haveself-love and self-respect if we know we are good enough todo what we are meant to do. We can in any moment decidewho we want to be and take action. If we choose to be moreloving, we can start with loving-kindness.

Loving-Kindness

Treating ourselves and others with loving-kindness starts withspeaking gently and politely, in a manner that communicatesrespect. Showing kindness to others is possible when wehave made a commitment to practice loving-kindness andwell-wishing regardless of the difficulty or disappointmentof the situation. Moreover, treating others with kindnesshas the potential to bring out the best in others rather thanthe worst. Thus, showing kindness increases the chances ofimproving relationships and situations.

Gary Chapman, who is not only a writer and workshopfacilitator but also a minister and family counselor, suggestsoccasionally making a list in the evening of all the instancesof kindness we have experienced that day. These instancescan come through the actions or words of others or fromus. For example, a neighbor I had never met before rangmy doorbell and told me that the interior lights were onin a truck parked in front of my house. It just so happenedthe truck belonged to a friend who was visiting me. Myfriend and I were truly grateful for the kind communication.Each entry of thought of loving-kindness doesn't have to bemomentous or world-shaking.

Maintaining a kindness list helps us become more aware of ourown progress toward becoming more loving and giving underall circumstances. Such increased awareness may prompt usto have the courage to go back and apologize to anotherperson when we have been unkind. In addition, increasedawareness helps us view every interaction with others as anopportunity to express kindness deliberately. The sincereintention of practicing the principle of Namaste in all of ourrelationships is what we usually call unconditional love.

Honesty

Celebrating ourselves, our relationships, and life itself isnot possible without honesty. When we are dishonest withothers, either by verbal falsehood or by presenting a falseimage, we are living a lie. If we are dishonest, then we arenot honoring and celebrating life; indeed, we are defiling life.Lying to others is a sure way to put distance between us andundermine the foundation of any relationship. Truthfulnesswith others builds mutual trust and creates a sense of opennessand spaciousness to exist in the friendship, thus cultivatinga feeling of safety and comfort. The toll of dishonesty isdistrust and isolation. The reward of honesty is deepening ourconnections with all others, taking responsibility for our ownactions, and strengthening our own self-worth and esteem.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a contemporary Buddhist monk andglobal peace worker, in his book Being Peace (2005) writesthat speaking honestly in any negotiation between individualsor groups is necessary. Speaking the truth in a loving way isalso necessary. He says to use only "loving speech" whencommunicating about our differences and disagreements. Wemust be lovingly honest; we must discipline ourselves to speakin a way that conveys respect, gentleness, and humility.

Gary Chapman in Love as a Way of Life (2009) uses thevivid metaphor of words as being either bullets or seeds.If we use our words as bullets with a feeling of superiorityand condemnation, we are not going to be able to restorea relationship to love. If we use our words as seeds witha feeling of supportiveness and sincere goodwill, we canrebuild relationships in positive and life-affirming ways.

When we need to open up and talk candidly about somethingdifficult with another person, we must set aside time to focuson the conversation with keen attention and purpose. Duringthe conversation, we must listen patiently, speak tactfully, andtell the truth as we understand it. We must align our words,voice inflection and tone, eye expression, body language, andactions with our inner awareness in our honest exchange.

One of the best ways to enrich and deepen the love in anyrelationship is to develop the habit of honesty in both littleand big matters. Honesty may not always be comfortable. Ifhonest communication is the norm rather than the exceptionin our relationships, we are freeing ourselves and others tobe authentic.

Balancing Love Relationships and Work

Being fully present, whether at home, in love relationships,or at work, can be challenging. However, it is necessary tofully experience the principle of love.

A woman who felt she did not receive enough fatherly loverecently told me that her father, who had been a CEO with aleading company in Europe, provided every material want sheand her two brothers had during their childhood. However,with his heavy responsibilities at work, she and her siblingsalmost never saw him. She remembered one time when hehad to attend a major conference in Hawaii. He took allthree children with him, set them up in a big, beautifulroom in a luxurious hotel, and then left them alone whilehe participated in the conference throughout the day andevening. Later, his daughter had the courage to tell her fatherthey would have preferred to stay at home where they couldat least play with their friends in the neighborhood. He wasshocked. Naturally, he thought he was doing a wonderfulthing by taking his children along even though he knewhe would have to leave them while he worked many hoursduring the week. He had failed to balance his love for hischildren with his work requirements because he was not trulypresent with his children.

Being Truly Present

We may be physically present, of course, without beingemotionally or mentally present. Sometimes we may text orcheck our smartphones while others are talking with us. Wemay do this even if what we're aiming for in the portal of loveis a sense of being fully present, listening, responding, payingattention, enjoying each other's presence, and conveying apositive regard to others.

The only time we are alive is in the present moment. Thepresent moment is all we have. The past is a memory, and thefuture is an idea, a possibility. Like the CEO who took hischildren to Hawaii but didn't have time for them, we oftenbecome aware of sad insights of not being present after thefact. We can't go back and recapture the past, so when we getan opportunity to be truly present, we don't want to lose it.

In my own life, I struggled with being truly present. Forexample, as a supervisor in a fast-paced, competitive corporateworld, I struggled with balancing home and work demands.Yet, one day I wrote a simple note to my daughter that shecherishes to this day.

Honey,

I am with you, around you, for you, and besideyou—always.

Dad

I have worked to find a balance as often as I could betweenbeing away at work and being present at home. Often pullingaway was neither convenient nor easy when I was temptedto finish one more step of a major project even though mydaughter was yearning for my presence at home. I neededdiscipline and determination to balance my desire to providewith my desire to share my unconditional love and time.When conflicted with competing desires, we can choose tobe fully present and to act from the portal of love.

Patient Love

A worthy goal is to become ever more patient in ourrelationships to express love. Buddha taught that patience isthe gatekeeper between the two worlds of our unconsciousimpulses and our conscious choices. Patience can closethe gate on harmful impulses that are constantly pushingtheir way up from the layer of hidden conditioned habits orpatterns in every cell. Reactive, mindless behaviors try totake over and are sure to bring harm to our relationships andour health. These behaviors reenact the trauma experiencedin our childhood, trauma that made us feel powerless,worthless, unlovable, or alone. Patient love can help us tostop repeating the trauma that we have known in our past.