CHAPTER 1
The Great Gift Exchange
As she held the sleeping child in her arms, she was at once overwhelmedby feelings of deep love and by a fear that spoke in a loud voice, "Lovewill never be enough to fix all that's gone wrong here." Even after threeand a half months of devoted care, her grandchild's night-terrors werenot subsiding. Angelina was exhausted and filled with the knowingsense that it was going to take more to raise Samantha than she hadever imagined.
She had been disappointed when her middle daughter married Steven.Something about him just didn't seem right. From three states awayshe had known there were problems, but she had no inkling how badthose problems were until the morning three and a half months agowhen she got the call.
"Hello, is this Angelina Rivera?" a strong male voice questioned.
"Yes, speaking."
"This is Dan Redding, with the Sherriff's Department in Tampa, Florida.There was a criminal incident last night involving your daughter, Carolineand her husband. We have them in custody and we are looking forfamily who can take their daughter. Caroline asked us to call you." Hisvoice trailed off as Angelina's world crashed around her.
Everything that had happened since then was too complicated andheartbreaking to think about and there was nothing she could doabout it anyway. Her heart ached for her daughter, but with her armswrapped around three-year-old Samantha she knew in her heart thatshe had to do something for her. The child continued to whimper abit as slumber settled in, and Angelina committed herself to findinganswers for all the problems she was dealing with now. Samantha'snight-terrors were just part of it.
Samantha screamed when she left her at daycare and that tore atAngelina's heart every day. She had taken two weeks off when she firstgot her but could not quit her job. She needed the money now morethan ever. She was tempted to take second shifts to cover the extraexpenses, but turned them down because she knew she had to be withSamantha as much as possible. The child clung to her and followedher all over the house. She wouldn't stay in her bed at night and wokeup with night-terrors regularly. She was pulling chunks of hair out ofher head, and already had a large bald spot around the crown on theback of her head. She sucked her thumb and reverted back to wettingher pants. When disciplined she would refuse to comply and othertimes she would sob without any apparent reason.
Angelina was exhausted, but her love for this lost little child got her upevery morning to start the next day with just as much energy as shehad the day before. She had to save her granddaughter, if it was thelast thing she did. Samantha might just be all that was left of Caroline,who was going to be tried as an accomplice to a murder, apparentlydrug related. It seems that Steven was a meth dealer and Carolinehad taken up with him and all the chaos and destruction that lifestylebrought. Poor little Samantha had been subjected to a life not at allsuited to growing up and developing properly.
Raising her own three kids had been instinctual, nothing morethan the regular challenges of weaning, potty training, making surehomework was done, and curfew kept. Getting them all off to collegehad brought both a sense of accomplishment and a serious case ofthe empty nest syndrome. But Angelina had focused on her work andrecovered sufficiently from an unexpected divorce to enjoy life again.Sitting in the same old rocker she used when her kids were little, shecouldn't help looking back over the years for a bit. What went wrong?Everything seemed good enough. Why would Caroline, having comefrom a good family, get involved in such a lifestyle? How could sheneglect and abuse her own child? Now Angelina began to doubt herown parenting skills. If she couldn't raise Caroline right, even in goodcircumstances, how in the world was she going to raise Samantha whohad been through so much. Would she be able to make a differenceor was it already too late?
Many grandparents who are raising their grandchildren begin to havedoubts as they experience difficulties with their grandchildren thatthey never encountered when they raised their own children. Howwill this all turn out? Will I cut my own life short from the stress of itfor nothing? Is there any hope for my troubled grandchild? These aregood questions and thanks to scientists, researchers and other peoplewho devote themselves to finding real solutions for what ails the humancondition, we now have answers to many questions, questions peopledid not even know to ask fifty years ago. And we have the reassuringtruth that although it "takes a village," if a child has even one personin their life who truly loves them, it can make all the difference in theworld. They just need that one ray of hope and the picture imprintedin their minds of what being loved feels like.
POWERFUL MEMORIES
"Now that I know about the trauma of being separatedfrom my birth mother at 43 days old, the fights betweenmy parents, abuse and abandonment from my dad,I realize that I would have had to be an incrediblydistraught baby in the middle of a storm. I have alwaysthought of my grandma as an angel that saved me fromall that trauma and strengthened me, gave me resiliencyto get through it all. I think that to a certain extent I wasalso what allowed her to finally be a mother—fully amother, not just a mother that was DOING EVERYTHING,(widow with 9 children) but now being able to be themother that was just nurturing for the first time—justbeing a mom. In some way I think it was healing to bothof us." ~ A grandchild
Erik Erikson was the first child psychoanalyst in the city of Boston,where he fled from Germany during the Holocaust years. He taught formany years at the Harvard Medical School and for the Institute of ChildWelfare at the University of California at Berkeley. He worked with andstudied children and youth in many cultures and areas of the UnitedStates, and through his research established what is still recognizedas the most complete theory of life stage development. In 1969 Eriksonreceived the Pulitzer Prize for his book Ghandi's Truth. His last book,published in 1986 just eight years before his death at age 92, was VitalInvolvement in Old Age. This book discusses the final stages of lifebeyond childhood and adolescence to help people discover how, inlooking back, they can accomplish the stages that remain incompleteand end their lives with integrity rather than despair. As a grandparentraising grandchildren, you now have the opportunity to examine yourown life as you consider how best to help these children in your care,pulling you both into a healthier, happier, more fulfilling future.
I fondly remember my own grandmother, the way she rocked me andsang off key when I was a little girl. Yes, she was old (when you are fouryears old, fifty-seven seems really old), heavy set and a little wrinkled.But I thought she was beautiful and I loved hearing her sing. I alwaysbegged for one more song, and one more story about when she wasa little girl. Spending time with her remains one of my best memoriesmore than 50 years later.
I remember going to the beach alone with her and sitting in the sand,dipping Fritos into pimento cream cheese, and dipping our toes in thewater. Later we went to Universal Studios (before it became a themepark) to visit the studio where she worked for Lucille Ball and severalother actors and actresses. I remember a myriad of craft projects,watching her sew, and eating hot tapioca pudding with strawberriesfrom her garden. This is the magic of being a grandparent, there isnothing but love between you and this child for whom you are notresponsible in an everyday sort of way. But all that changes whenthey come to live with you and you do have to tend to the daily stuffthat real life is made of. Everything changes in that moment as bothgrandparent and grandchild experience the horror of a family tragedysuch that parents are no longer able to be there for their kids.
My grandmother's husband abandoned her and then returned oneday twelve years later with two sons she didn't know. She threw herdoor and her heart open and let them all in. She raised the boys asher own and through the years had a string of children both relatedand unrelated that stayed in touch with her until she died in her mid-70s.She also took in my troubled teen cousin whose parents werenot able to care for her. Most of all, I remember that she loved meunconditionally. From start to finish, she loved every moment that shegot to spend with me. She made me feel special and prized, and Ihave a feeling she did the same thing for each of the children whoselives she touched.
My own parents, now married for close to 60 years, were the bestsupport system that I had after my divorce in 1984. My two veryyoung children and I lived with them off and on for several years andmy daughter, who was an infant at the time of the divorce bonded soclosely with them that she spent most of her summers at their housethrough her mid-teens. I have no idea how we ever would have madeit through those hard times without them. Without asking questions,they were just there for us. I won't sugar coat it, sometimes we werevery angry with each other over different things. Sometimes we judgedeach other and sometimes we exchanged harsh words. But throughall of it I knew they loved me and I knew they loved my kids. I couldn'thave made it without them, and they wouldn't have wanted me to try to.In the end, our relationships with each other have matured and grownbecause of our extra time together.
Of her grandparents' involvement in her life, my daughter, now 30,says this:
"What was most important to me during those yearswas having something and someone to count on. Unlikemy family, they always lived in the same place and myfriends knew where I lived from summer to summer. Iloved helping Grandpa at his lab, and feeling like I wasreally helping out. I remember when he would put lotionon his hands and come over and put the extra on mine.Usually he went to work early and came home late andit was fun to wait up for him.
I liked knowing what to expect. They had rules thatnever changed and that made me feel safe. And I lovedrunning errands with Grandma. We would go to thebank and they always gave me a sucker. We went to thepond every week after church to feed the ducks andto the same park to hike. I liked knowing what to lookforward to. Grandma and I had a special tradition. Shewould take me to eat at a nice restaurant and then tosee a live theatre play every year. I loved it!
Every summer they bought me a new dress. That newdress made me feel REMEMBERED. It was a traditionthat made me feel like they remembered somethingthey did with me. It was not so much about the dress,really.
What was hardest was being homesick. I hated it.
That feeling at nighttime—of being really anxious. Iwould get a terrible stomach ache from the anxiety andGrandma would put me in her lap and rub my tummy incircles. It felt like she really cared and wanted to helpme. It made me feel noticed, loved, cared about. Whenyou feel anxious and scared, it doesn't feel good, soyou feel sick PLUS worried. She helped with both, eventhough she didn't say anything. She just tended me."~Larissa
In all of the small groups and parent training classes that I have runor attended, when people are asked the question, "Who was yourbiggest cheerleader, your greatest source of love and support as youwere growing up?" By far the most common answers to that questionare "My grandma" or "My grandpa." Grandparents are known by manytitles, Mamo, Papo, MiMi, Granny, Grandmother, Grandfather, PopPop, Nonnie, or Poppy ... and I am sure there are hundreds more.I call mine "Gramma" and she was the only grandparent that I reallygrew up with. But whatever you call yours, chances are they were veryimportant in your childhood and maybe even still today.
Although my grandmother has been dead for over thirty years, sheis still a huge inspiration to me. In her 70s she went off to the localcollege to take classes in writing and politics and other topics thatinterested her. She had articles, stories, and even a song published.She had never written before that, so I have to say she is probably mybiggest inspiration in writing my first book, which you are now reading.Somehow my grandmother knew that she could do anything she sether mind to and so she learned wig making, hat making, sewing,and pattern making. She became a costume designer in Hollywoodback in the 40's. One time she needed some electrical work done onher house, during the years when she had no husband and couldn'tafford to have it done. So she took an electrician course and wired itup herself. She was still doing electrical projects on her house whenshe died (not by electrocution). She moved doors and windows, andone time when I came to visit her she was up on the roof. "Gramma,what on earth are you doing up there?" I called out from below. "Oh,the house was too hot, so I am installing an attic fan." She announcedit matter-of-factly as if she were baking a batch of chocolate chipcookies. She was like a pioneer of a new kind and even though shewas gone by the time my first child was born, she was with me in spirit,showing me that I too could do whatever I needed to do, through myfourteen years of single parenting.
Here's some inspiration for you. Quite possibly the most difficultmarathon on earth is the annual Leadville 100 held in Colorado. Thecourse is one hundred miles of the most rugged, mountainous terrain.It begins at an elevation of 9,200 feet—one that would make most ofus huff and puff just to get out of bed—then climbs to 12,600 feet.Half of the hundred miles is done at night and the athletes hope for afull moon. The participants have a motto, "You are tougher than youthink you are, and you can do more than you think you can."
People who choose to pit themselves against the treacherous Leadville100 course, and strive to finish it, are experienced super athletes.Grandparents raising grandchildren are experienced super parents.You are running a "marathon" of your own over challenging territory thatis often in the dark, one you have run before. Unlike the athletes, youmay feel that you did not have a choice, but when you love someonethis much and they need you, you don't just walk away because it'shard or because it's inconvenient. It will take a lot of COURAGE and alot of LOVE to get to the end of your trail and this book was written forthose of you who intend not only to finish, but to finish well!
Jeanne, who's had two of her grandchildren since their mother wasarrested for crimes related to her crack cocaine addiction said,
"I admit, I have some resentment toward my daughterfor putting me in this situation that I had no choiceabout. Really, I had no choice, or at least I never saw itas such. If I wasn't able there might have been anotherchoice. I don't know. It started out just for the weekendand four years later here I am. I don't remember makinga choice."
Maybe she never felt she had a choice, but she did. Many people whocould, do not choose to care for family members who need them.Although she feels she had no choice, this grandmother and many,many grandparents raising their grandchildren, have no regrets abouttaking them in. As hard as it might be at times, and some grandparentshave been through some unbelievably horrible, nightmarish situations,nearly all grandparents that have raised or helped to raise theirgrandchildren share a similar sentiment:
"Yes, it was hard. There were periods of such stressand anxiety that I hardly slept for months. I have hadmy heart ripped out of my chest in more ways than one,and I have sacrificed many things. But this one thing Iknow, if I had it to do over again, I would definitely doit again. It was one of the best things I ever did in mylife." ~A grandmother
A GIFT FOR YOU!
Why do grandparents feel this way in spite of all the challenges involved?Grandparents report many benefits to raising their grandchildrenincluding:
• A very special bond with their grandchildren because they seethem every day
• Gratitude for the extended years of parenting, getting a secondchance to do it right
• Knowing they are making a positive difference for someonethey love
• Enjoying the abandon that children and teens display knowingthey are fully loved, noticed, and accepted, somethinggrandparents may have been too busy to offer the first timearound
• The peace of mind they have knowing their grandchildren aresafe and fed and loved
• The kids bring youth and energy back into the home. Theymake you laugh 'til you cry and they keep life interesting
• Grandchildren introduce you to things you would neverconsider doing otherwise. They look at life in fresh new waysand they love that you love them.
