Do you: Meet unquantifiable resistance in merely hinting it's time your headstrong parents leave their decades-old residence? Battle belligerently at daring to suggest household caregivers to your defiant folks, given their progressive inability to perform basic daily tasks? Serve up your total human capacity to your unappreciative relatives without coming close to filling their bottomless pit? Enter resident expert Carol-Ann Hamilton. Her unique term- "un-cope-able" -perfectly describes her own intractable duo. Through painful personal experience across decades, Carol-Ann has discovered and tested twelve innovative Keys to Coping. Eureka! Success! Engage with the Impossible Parents Questionnaire and overcome 10 hair-yanking eldercare challenges Apply 6 LOVING attitudes and stay centered during crazy- making exchanges Gain 6 down-to-earth ACTION strategies that guarantee your targeted efforts will achieve headway Be inspired by others' illuminating stories, knowing you're not alone anymore Benefit from Carol-Ann's hard-won lessons. Share her poignant yet hilarious journey. Get the support you need-NOW. Say good-bye to feeling victimized and over-burdened. Say hello to relief and hope in Coping with Un-cope-able Parents!

Coping with Un-cope-able Parents

LOVING ACTION for EldercareBy Carol-Ann Hamilton

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2012 Carol-Ann Hamilton
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-5487-7

Contents

Foreword...............................................................................................................ixPreface................................................................................................................xvThe Impossible Parents Questionnaire...................................................................................xixWho's This Book For?...................................................................................................1The "Case" for This Information – Now!...........................................................................5Two Keys to Coping.....................................................................................................11LOVING.................................................................................................................15Laughter...............................................................................................................17Openness...............................................................................................................21Vibration..............................................................................................................23Intention..............................................................................................................25Neutrality.............................................................................................................27Grace..................................................................................................................29ACTION.................................................................................................................31Advocate...............................................................................................................33Clarify................................................................................................................35Trust..................................................................................................................39Initiate...............................................................................................................41Observe................................................................................................................45iNnovate...............................................................................................................49Question & Answer Time!................................................................................................53YOU'RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE...............................................................................................57When the Parental Home Becomes Too Much................................................................................59Go Near at Your Own Risk...............................................................................................60In Denial..............................................................................................................62Surviving & Transforming the Abuse.....................................................................................64Time to Surrender the Car Keys.........................................................................................66Fake Dramas............................................................................................................68Accepting it's OK to be looked after...................................................................................69The Ordeals of Christmas Shopping......................................................................................72Patience, Patience.....................................................................................................73Better Planning Was Needed.............................................................................................75Believe In Yourself Even If "The Parentals" Don't......................................................................77The Power to Wait......................................................................................................79My Story: The Petulant, or What Do You Do When the Terrible Two's Continue into the Awful Eighties.....................83The Hidden Opportunity.................................................................................................89My Plea................................................................................................................93The Saga Continues.....................................................................................................97My Parting Encouragements to You.......................................................................................105Further Opportunities..................................................................................................107About the Author.......................................................................................................111

Chapter One

Who's This Book For?

You WILL Be Served By This Work If:

• You laugh out loud – no, make that ROAR – in recognition of your circumstances within the Impossible Parents Questionnaire

• You're wondering: "Am I a secret brother or sister to this woman, because otherwise how could she possibly know our family so well"?

• You're thinking, "Finally! Someone on the Planet who `gets' what it's really like to deal with my folks. Hallelujah!!!"

• You easily recognize that you're compelled to read further because this book contains information you need to receive.

• You draw HOPE from the possibility that there is a way to navigate your parental relationship so the highest and best for all concerned can be attained.

You don't necessarily find connection to this extract from MORE magazine, dated February/March 2011. Author Karen Hamilton argues that even though looking after an aging parent can be heart-breaking, love conquers all. OK ...

Ms. Hamilton remembers standing over a bathroom sink holding her Dad's dentures and seeing her smile reflected back in the bathroom mirror; he'd just thrown up because he had cancer and was dying. She acknowledges she could have felt resentful or disgusted, but in that moment found herself "privileged".

She equally draws out the example of a 52-year-old single mom who waded right into the muck of assisting with her father's bathing to cleaning his colostomy bag – concluding that children who care for elderly parents find it "fulfilling and affirming".

Further, the author goes on to subtly deride images conjured up by the word, caregiver. To quote, "I envision a worn-out woman caring for her elderly, cranky parents; she's doing her best but barely getting by, isolated, angry and tired. One notch up from crazy cat lady, she's somebody nobody wants to be."

Helloooo!!!! Have I just entered some kind of weird alternative reality? Last time I looked, I haven't (yet) turned into some kooky eccentric that people cross to the other side of the street to avoid simply because I practically gag in the face of such self-righteousness. That is, unless someone isn't telling me something!

Count me amongst those 70 per cent of (mostly) women who consider tending to head-strong parents stressful and who are worried the pressure might do us in. In its defense, the article goes on to report that caregivers who experience such tension have a higher mortality rate – 63 per cent – than non-caregivers of the same age. Thank you for the concession.

You Will NOT Relate If:

• You've never experienced any of the above behaviors or attitudes.

• You're right now saying to yourself: "I love my parents. They're perfect – whether passed away or alive. What are you talking about, Carol-Ann?"

• You have difficulty acknowledging you're in the minority of the population if you have no such issues with your folks. Lucky you! Be glad. Please never take your situation for granted in a self-congratulatory way.

• Your folks fit images like the photograph of a granny singing group featured in a local magazine called The Hurricanes; these ladies look like they've totally got it "going on" even in their matronly attire – electric guitars in hand and one pounding her drums with gusto in the background!

• Your parents' attitudes parallel that of a 91-year-old senior who makes his own bread at home – and does 24 sit-ups plus push-ups a day. I don't even do that, for Heaven's sake! This gentleman can't see but he's just moved houses, and doesn't "plan on sitting around all day".

• Or, your Mom is like this alpha-grandmother depicted by Howie Kahn in a December 2010 O magazine article. Initially shut down when her husband passed away in 1965, she now holds court at the seniors' home. Votes are cast to determine who is permitted to sit at her dining room table. Should a resident doze off in the lobby, Grandma indignantly vocalizes: "It makes it look like old people live here. If they want to sleep, they should go back to their beds." (Now, I do recognize that Un-cope-able Parents come in all guises, and you may find this lady's harsh strictures over-the-top. What irks in one family may not annoy in another.) I personally admire her feisty nature, having wished my own mother had possessed more backbone.

• You secretly or overtly condemn statements within the Impossible Parents Questionnaire in this fashion: "Wow. What is her problem? She's talking about the two people who gave her life. She has no right to her feelings."

• You entertain no other possibility (should your parents ever become incapacitated) than to house them in your own environment because that is what children "should" do in order to look after those who brought them into this world.

On the other hand, those for whom this work is geared will immediately recognize this final bullet is something you will never entertain – to bring one or (God forbid!!) both into your sacred space. Over your dead body! For, you know you'd be giving up your last remnants of balance and sanity – maybe even tethering to this world!

Of Note: Even those couples in my circles who willingly assumed the admirable stance of taking in their loved ones wound up temporarily dissolving their marital bliss until after Dad and Mom passed away.

The "Case" for This Information – Now!

Tell me something I don't know! Like I would need to spell out a rationale as to why this book is needed IMMEDIATELY ...

Just examine these facts and figures:

• In 2009, there were 4.7 million seniors in Canada (or about 13.9% of the population). Between 2031 and 2036, that number is expected to climb to 10.9 million (or about 25% of the projected population). These figures can be found in a House of Commons newsletter report (summer 2010).

• In 1971, there were nearly 8 persons of working age for every Canadian over 65. By 2008, that ratio had fallen to 5.1. By 2019, it will be 3.8 and by 2033, that number will have shrunken to 2.5. These forecasts are troubling for many reasons – not the least of which concern an alarming dearth of young people to support a burgeoning mature populace. Old age security, pension plans and healthcare will be taxed to the hilt – likely to a breaking point if radical alterations aren't undertaken in the present.

• While the purpose of this volume is not to digress into a diatribe about government actions required to mitigate faltering systems, I cannot pass by this story. It confirms the dire need for this book. Unimaginable! In October 2011, National Post newspaper commentator Christie Blatchford prominently featured the despicable hospital experiences of an 82-year-old lady. Leaving her dying husband's bedside, she fell in the lobby and was left lying face-down with a broken hip and badly-bleeding arm. People stepped over and around her for 28 minutes. "Protocol" required that 911 be called and an ambulance dispatched before she could be attended to. Unbelievable!

• Pivotally, the Toronto Star issued a front-page article in February 2012 entitled, "Ontario says tougher rules expected for drivers with dementia". This was released at the very moment my increasingly-incapacitated widowed 89-year-old father was preparing to renew his auto insurance – on both vehicles! Tough new rules, better training for family doctors on reporting cognitively impaired patients and more rigorous on-road testing of senior drivers both inflamed and doused the fire on my father's ill-conceived plans. I could have kissed the ground these staff reporters walk on for highlighting this critical issue. It was like a magic wand had been waved from Above, giving me merciful ammunition to make a successful argument where none had previously existed.

• Infuriated to learn that Ontario is one of the last jurisdictions in North America to embrace "de-graduated" licenses for seniors I immediately hopped onto the newspaper's website plus my Facebook page to issue my own edicts! Namely, whether we're talking days (for teenagers) or decades (for seniors), incompetence behind the wheel of any sort is literally a matter of life and death!! Period.

• To further reinforce the "OMG, is he or she still driving" stage of life, an editorial in the Canadian Medical Association Journal dated April 2, 2012 called anew for licensing adjustments. Author Donald Redelmeier, a professor of medicine at the University of Toronto, suggests a full driver's license automatically default to restricted access once seniors reach a certain age (to be determined). At that point, he proposes capable drivers can resume full driving privileges if a physician certifies their good health.

• Even though the editorial cites a Transport Canada report that says 389 of the 2,209 Canadians who died in vehicle accidents in 2009 were over 65 (higher than any other age group), a respondent labeled graduated licensing "age discrimination". So be it! Somebody needs to have the guts to do something here – medically or otherwise. Redelmeier's thesis is to reframe interactions between seniors and their doctors by positioning the physician to endorse a full driver's license rather than revoke privileges. My parents' doctor failed to put down her foot; perhaps this direction would help her in being less spineless.

• Despite almost-daily frustrations with my Un-cope-able Parent, the tragic issue of elder abuse is featured regularly on TV and in written form. For example, an ad sponsored by www.seniors.gc.ca depicts disturbing scenes of emotional cruelty; I'm always saddened upon viewing it.

• A government report echoes this hidden crime often goes undetected; up to 10% of seniors experience it. Whether physical, emotional, financial or abandonment by families or institutions, elder abuse is a disturbing societal problem. I'm convinced these statistics will climb if children of seniors don't get effective help for coping with challenging parents – as found in my writing along with other resources.

• From time to time, one comes across an eloquent article that offers awareness while tugging on heart-strings, such as this banner: "Crisis often leads to clean-up". Accompanied by photos of a cluttered living room that can only be termed atrocious with piles and filth, it shows an "extreme cleaner" wearing protective gear whose job is to remove health and other hazards so dangerous to seniors with mobility and cognitive impairments. Incredible! I believe this will be a dramatically-growing profession. The expert indicates: "Many are simply overwhelmed by life, depressed at growing frail and fiercely clinging to reminders of friends and family who have died before them". Holding on to stuff is almost a way of holding onto the past.

• Then, there are miscellaneous informative pieces: dealing with aging parents can ignite old rivalries, imploring siblings to cooperate to ensure ailing parents get effective care; how taking in an elderly parent will have emotional, physical and financial ramifications for a family; how dementia can (poignantly) bring ex-partners together; tax-time recommendations to claim significant expenditures in order to ease the monetary burdens associated with caring for a loved one with dementia; the advantages of doling out inheritances while still alive.

• Since beginning this book, a franchise called Nurse Next Door has started up to provide companionship, medical and personal care plus registered nursing to those in need. I strongly feel such home healthcare services will be a salvation-boon to many.

• In fact, Canada and the U.S. are far from the only nations facing daunting elder issues. Although WWII resulted in an unspeakably tragic loss of life, take in this newspaper article about Japan's corpse hotels. I kid you not! Graphically, it points out the average wait time for an oven is over four days in Yokohama, driving up demand for these half-way morgues. For a flat fee, bereaved families can check in their dead while in-queue for one of the city's overworked crematoriums. Death is apparently a rare booming market in stagnant Japan. Like a "wild west", as the content compares.

• In 2040, annual deaths in Japan are expected to peak at 1.66 million as the bulk of the nation's Baby Boomer generation expires. I suspect figures are similar around the globe, wherever post-war population explosions resulted in a bulging Sandwich Generation.

• From time to time, inspiring pieces also reach me. Check out this Toronto Star newspaper report on a groundbreaking study which will follow 50,000 people between the ages of 45 and 85 over a 20-year period. Experts will collect information on the changing biological, medical, psychological, social and economic aspects of their lives. The aim is to unlock some of the greatest mysteries of aging – and the many influencing factors – so researchers can find ways to improve Canadians' health. As the study's lead principal investigator professor Parminder Raina of McMaster University in Hamilton states: "We're looking at the aging process from cell to society."

No matter what ...

YOU – between The Greatest Generation (as Tom Brokaw refers to it in his 2001 classic An Album of Memories) and your own growing families – are the ones toward whom this work is targeted. You daily experience the unremitting demands of managing the care of young and old alike.

Sure, there's ample professional content out there about how to achieve productive outcomes with an aging population. Plenty of resources ... lots of great information ... advice galore. Updates on federal legislation and regulations affecting seniors, funding opportunities, legal reports and more ...

Then, there's "reality".

Where are the helpful tips written from the perspective of your feelings about eldercare? Not so much.

Here, we're talking about expertise that addresses in a practical manner how you cope with issues referenced in the Impossible Parents Questionnaire.

Now, I must admit ... I claim no formal qualifications to write about this subject matter. I haven't University degrees in this realm, which we all know is the ubiquitously-accepted credential. My businesses are not centered upon psycho-therapy, medicine or leading-edge hospice practices.

Still, those for whom this content is truly intended will easily and readily agree you can research all the clinically-proven tomes in the world. Yet, this will do nothing to change what you know in your deepest core to be true ...

... There is zilch any documented professional can say or write that you haven't already long ago thought of to contend with your particular family dynamics. They can render all the well-meant wisdom in the world. Unfortunately, this will do nothing to alter your picture.

Why?? Because you've already tried everything!!

You will instantly identify the following suggestions as genuine efforts from friends and colleagues who don't know better. These unsophisticated offerings come in the form of questions like: "Why don't you___", "Have you ever considered___" and "How about___" Fill in the blanks with conventional advice like putting them into an assisted living facility and calling additional support or resources into their home on a consistent basis.

Please! Give you more credit than that!!

If we were merely talking about time-worn truisms regarding what to do for your intractable aging parents (and how to do it), you'd have solved all your issues eons ago!

Am I right? Certainly!

Chapter Two

Two Keys to Coping

What Doesn't Work

Even if no one else validates your feeling of "Duh ... Been there, done it", I'm here without a doubt to acknowledge you've already tested the following in a (vain) attempt to influence and persuade your stubborn folks to entertain wise alternatives that support their increasing health and other needs:

• Abdicate (your needs)

• Beg

• Cajole

• Demand

• Explain (logically)

• Force

• Grovel

• Humiliate

• Insult

• Jump (up and down in frustration)

• "Kill" (as in, wanting to kill them some days)

• Lie

• Manipulate

• Name-call

• Over-ride

• Plead

• Quarrel

• Retaliate

• Shout

• Train (as in, educate)

• Undermine

• Vanquish

• "Doing the right thing

• Wrong

• X-acerbate

• Yell

• Zeal (demonstrate)

It's like an A to Z compendium of what doesn't work! And, you could probably come up with multiples of your own A to Z lists.

If the matter were as straight-forward as that, I reinforce – you'd have long ago succeeded. Isn't that so??

What Does Work

Alright then, what AM I suggesting you do? If you've already tried everything and it hasn't worked, what's left? I hear you!

Would you like the answer? Apply LOVING ACTION.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Coping with Un-cope-able Parentsby Carol-Ann Hamilton Copyright © 2012 by Carol-Ann Hamilton. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.