Chas Rawlings's It Really Is That Complicated is an often personal, indeed intimate, and sometimes hilarious ride from start to finish through the byways and mazes of men's and women's relationships. He guides through the fits and starts-some of the latter false starts-that characterize the dating game, especially with modern-day dating services. He lays out what he calls the horrors of marriage in the degeneration of romance and eroticism into the battle of the sexes in more mundane but often deal-breaking power struggles over control, money, and property. He elaborates on Tolstoy's notion that even this supposedly most sanctified of unions is a form of prostitution-women dispensing sex in return for material gain and security. At the same time, he asks good old Freud's notorious question "My God, what does woman want" since so many of them flee the very rewards they desire along with the generous, often attractive, and accomplished guys who proffer them. He takes us into what in Victorian times was dubbed "My Secret Life" the alleyways of escorts who offer up not only sex but also the companionship and even the no-strings intimacy men crave. Well, for a while at least-until the courtesan gets conflicted and crazy herself. And, despite all of this mayhem, Dr. Rawlings urges us all, men and women, to take risks and hurl ourselves into the fray, implicitly asserting that it is better to "have loved and lost than never to have loved" . . . and lived. "Good fun, a great read, and edifying to boot" John Munder Ross, PhD Author, The Sadomasochism of Everyday Life Coauthor of Tales of Love, Sex and Danger
It Really Is THAT Complicated
By Charles E. RawlingsAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Charles E. Rawlings
All right reserved. ISBN: 978-1-4772-8525-1Contents
Preface...................................................................................xvAcknowledgments...........................................................................xvii1. I Told Her I Would Take Her Anywhere in the World She Wanted to Go.....................12. A Marriage of Eighteen Years...........................................................113. All Women Want What They Cannot Have...................................................214. All Women Are Prostitutes..............................................................295. The Shaman Told Me I Would Know........................................................396. The Belize House.......................................................................477. I Took Her to Swim with Baby Whales....................................................558. The Hooker.............................................................................659. Matchmaking, Anyone?...................................................................7910. You Can Never Go Back.................................................................89About the Author..........................................................................99
Chapter One
I Told Her I Would Take Her Anywhere in the World She Wanted to Go
Stand in your space, and know you are there. Mary Engelbreit
It's true what pundits say—and what women know—about relationships. If you cannot or will not discuss the future together as a couple, the relationship is either dead or dying or was a mere figment of your imagination in the first place. Men are undoubtedly "fixers" by their nature (more on that later) and planners, and when they become involved in relationships with intimate partners, it brings out their innate need to solve problems and, more importantly, their need to plan a future together with their significant others.
Some men feel compelled to plan everything down to the smallest detail. One of my best friends leaves nothing to chance. He details everything, reserves rooms weeks to months in advance, MapQuests every move on every trip, uses an enema before every run (to avoid any seriously embarrassing situation in the middle of an especially long run), and uses not one but two condoms during sex—in case one fails—with his wife. In fact, he schedules every sexual encounter with her down to the day and hour. Nothing is spontaneous for him. Some men, on the other hand, are satisfied with a general plan with only specific events outlined, much like the smattering of islands that punctuate the Pacific Ocean.
Contrary to popular opinion—and regardless of the type of man involved, be he a fixer, nurturer, alpha, beta, passive, aggressive, romantic, practical, narcissistic, introverted, extroverted––all men want to plan a future with their significant others. They do this primarily out of an innate sense of pattern and order and a latent sense of fear and anxiety. By planning a future, men avoid the potential loss of that future. If there are no future plans, or if either partner hesitates when the future is brought up for discussion, the entire relationship is potentially in jeopardy.
Take one of my last relationships. We were barely two months into what many people would call a "healthy relationship"; we had both declared we loved each other, and when those essential details were in place, the future gaped in front of us—some would say like an abyss, but for me it was more like a featureless plain or an unending blue ocean. The truth was that there were no plans. As soon as I realized this, I asked her to pick five places she had always wanted to visit—anywhere in the world she wanted to go—and I told her I would take her there. Once she had picked the destinations, we would start planning for them that very afternoon.
Her first wish was to see polar bears—she had said this immediately, unerringly—and at that point, the future had a shape. We suddenly had a goal and I, as the male, had a trip to plan and an anchor for the relationship. Her other four destinations were Mongolia, Egypt, Bali, and Morocco. In the end, we made only two of the five locations (Mongolia and the polar bears).
My point is that we began planning that very day for something she had always wanted to do in her life—to go someplace she had always wanted to go. More importantly, the trip was set for months in the future and, as a couple, we felt confident enough to look forward together in the direction of that goal. Moreover, our shared goal—this future plan—meant that a very special thread connected us. We now had a commonality, something we could always talk about and dream about together. All our other trips and plans only bolstered the sense of togetherness that we had in a shared future.
A man's inherent drive to plan goes hand in hand with his Mr. Fix It tendencies. In any relationship, planning for a future together involves not only travel but also other activities, from the routine to the grandiose, from the "Let's paint the bathroom/rake the leaves together" all the way to having a child. Because men normally feel a compulsion to plan for the future, if the man in your life isn't planning with you or is hesitating or refusing to make plans with you, that is a red flag that problems likely lie ahead. If he cannot or will not discuss your future together, the relationship is flawed and will probably fail.
Even if a man isn't in a serious, committed relationship, and regardless of the level of commitment, he will have a plan. Even if he is just dating casually or even if you are friends who decided to take the relationship to a more intimate level, the most laissez-faire male will want to do at least some of the planning, arrange for a dinner, attend an event, or check on ticket availability.
If he fails to do even this simple level of planning, it is clear he has little interest in the relationship, thus the importance of the second (and especially the third) date becomes clear. If he is genuinely interested, he will need to know that the woman finds him at least somewhat desirable, and so the planning of a second date becomes more important for him. So important, in fact, that the subject may be brought up at the end of the first date, if not in the first forty-eight hours afterward. If he doesn't ask in the first forty-eight hours, he isn't interested. He will almost certainly want to set up the third date by the end of the second. The method and timing of these dates is a very accurate indication of the progression of the relationship, which we'll examine later.
So, if your significant other asked you to pick any place you wanted to go in the world, what would you say? Would you pick Hawaii, Paris, Tahiti, or Italy? How about Mongolia? Yes, Mongolia—a land-locked country in Asia adjacent to Siberia, just north of China. It may not make even the top twenty most romantic places in the world, but that was her desire, and she had her reasons. So we planned to go to Mongolia and meet a black shaman; she was into the voodoo religion, had studied under a true santeros, and had read about the reindeer herders and their shamans. It would take five days on horseback to get to the area and, naturally, five days to get back. There was the added adventure of camping in tents, with no shower—just local rivers. And we dug our own toilets.
It wasn't Paris or Tahiti, and it took some serious togetherness to pull it off. We shopped together, schemed and scheduled together, and talked endlessly about the trip. The day arrived to leave for our expedition, and off we went. The trip was truly fascinating; it was everything we could have possibly imagined. Our shaman boggled our minds—especially when we watched her channel a five-hundred-year-old spirit right in front of us. But more to the point, we were together: we had planned this together, gone on a massive adventure into the unknown together, and after the trip were bonded even more. Despite all this, things didn't work out exactly as we planned. She believes that I failed her; I disagree, as will become clear.
From a man's point of view, traveling together is a true deal breaker unless it is done well. In other words, the couple that can travel together can stay together. Traveling brings out the worst in a relationship, but it also brings out the best. These days it can be brutal—from getting through security to being packed into the plane—so any anger or resentment that has built up in the relationship over time will appear. The stress that builds from all of these feelings ultimately must emerge in some form. As a witness to such outbursts, I think that perhaps some couples simply should not travel together.
The bottom line is that men do not appreciate whining—unless they initiate it. They do not want to deal with four pieces of luggage packed for a weekend getaway. Moreover, men definitely do not want to hear about problems with security, lines, or rude flight attendants. They are right there experiencing it along with you. They feel the same as you. They accept that they cannot control everything that is going on. What frustrates men the most is when their significant others stress them out further by complaining about things that are outside anyone's control.
As I mentioned earlier, most men—most alpha males, at least—in relationships are fixers. I do not mean fixer as in "someone who arranges a bet." Being a fixer goes hand in hand with a man's need to be needed by a woman. As a fixer, the man tries his best to correct whatever he finds inadequate or unjust in the relationship. These tendencies frequently appear when a man travels with his significant other. Moreover, fixers can take many different forms. Some fixer personalities become desperately ensnared with their partners because of their flaws (all the flaws that he needs to fix). Other fixers want to engage only with the problems his partner complains about most vociferously.
A good friend provided an exquisitely accurate analogy to explain the fixer male. Suspend your disbelief for a moment and entertain the idea of a female as a house. Some are the epitome of an elegant residence, with amazing furniture, ready for any purchaser. More realistically, most houses are fixer-uppers with some defects—a few leaky faucets, a squeaky staircase, a floor that needs refinishing, or a wall that needs repainting. Most men see these traits in women as endearing and may decide to occupy the residence to deal with the minor flaws then. But some men try to fix the flaws prior to occupancy.
To continue the analogy, some women could be considered uninhabitable or even condemned. They have serious flaws that are unmanageable or at least require extensive renovation: rotting floors, asbestos, collapsing plaster, mold, radon, warping support walls. While the average homebuyer avoids such houses at all costs, the fixer male jumps right in with both feet in an effort to renovate. The walls may collapse, the floors may be rotten through, the asbestos may give him mesothelioma, but all that be damned; he's going to fix the problems, find the good, and convert the house into a mansion—all while living there! This strategy is rarely successful.
In contrast to the fixer type, who seeks to heal whatever it is that ails the woman (even if it's her own character qualities), a woman may simply need to air or give voice to her problem or impediment—that is, no action is required. Men act, sometimes not remembering that a woman is just venting. Nevertheless, if he is to truly be the stronger sex (at least in his own mind), the man of action must be capable of solving any dilemma. Many of my women readers know that at the end of or even during conversations around the troubles in their lives, men typically say something like, "Let's make a plan," or "Let's fix this problem." But here's a hint: If you really don't need a plan, tell him at the beginning and make it very clear that you just want a discussion. Relationships can be saved by remembering this simple advice. Some men will still feel compelled to plan, but most will be just as happy to listen and be supportive of yours instead.
The need to be needed is embedded in the fixer's personality. Most men (and all alpha males) need to be needed on one level or another. Again, my women readers know and understand this. Men thrive on being needed; it is their essence. Convince a man that whatever you ask him to do is a need of yours or is necessary for the relationship or partnership, and he will immediately try to complete the task.
On the other hand, if you berate, henpeck, criticize, or try to guilt a fixer into doing the task, at best he will resent you, and at worst he will refuse. Instead of telling an alpha male to go and mow the lawn because it needs doing—or that the lawn is his responsibility or that he has time in his busy schedule to do the job or whatever—explain to him that his mowing skills are impeccable and that he is needed to mow the lawn. See how that works?
If a man is not needed by his woman, he has no purpose in the relationship. This is particularly important in the bedroom. Tell him and show him how important he is to you—how needed he is to you—especially during sex. Make it a source of pride to him that he is needed for you to reach orgasm. You may use the Hitachi wand or any other toy during this personal time, but make it perfectly clear that you need him in some way to help you. If you can tap into his need to be needed in the bedroom, you will be much happier, and you will be able to use whatever you need to achieve an orgasm.
Over the last few pages, we have explored the idea that men are fixers who need to be needed, but what about women? Women are rarely fixers. They, however, usually have an agenda based on their views of a relationship. The top three priorities on a woman's agenda tend to be security, children, and the nest, in that order.
Women often spend their entire lives searching for security. It is their holy grail. It is their biological imperative. Women, at least the majority of them since prehistoric times, seek security primarily when they want to become pregnant and raise children. They seek men who can provide this security, and they mate with those who embody security as their strength.
These males may not have led the charge against neighboring tribes or hunted the mammoths (those tended to die young, providing no security); but they were intelligent enough to avoid dangerous situations, at least until they had mated. Ask anyone in a relationship why only women try to dissuade their men from deep-sea diving, climbing Mount Everest, or driving without a seatbelt, and they will point to their own security as the reason. A woman I know speaks at length about her hardcore ideal of living in a house with a wrap-around porch, complete with rocking chairs, and raising large, soft, cuddly dogs while her man takes care of her. Security is the number-one priority for any woman already in or searching for a relationship.
As far as children go, I believe that all women want to have children. Don't fool yourself, ladies and gentlemen, that women do not long for motherhood. Sure, there are some outlying cases that differ, but even those that are physically unable to have children still desire motherhood. Even my hardcore female friend wants motherhood; her dog pack is merely a substitute for the children she cannot have.
This desire to bear children is coded within genes and influenced by hormones. It is a biological imperative different from the "propagate your gene" impulse that males have. It is the "I want to nurture" imperative. This nurturing phenomenon transcends all ages. My fourteen-year-old daughter loves holding babies; all my female friends coo and cluck over babies; and even my ex-wife—who normally has very little baby love—swoons over a baby (as long as she can hand it back at the end of the day). This nurturing instinct governs a woman's search for the perfect mate.
Much has been written about the influence of facial features, voice intonation, and socioeconomic background on a woman's assessment of a man as a father and provider. A woman may want a child to nurture for herself, but she still needs a mate, not only to procreate with but also to support and protect her and the child. In simple terms, that is the agenda.
Once she has security and a child, a woman needs a place to nurture, or a nest. This is any physical area that a woman can take over and call her own and where she can establish a safe, comfortable (female) sanctuary for her and her family. It may be as small as one side of a room or as large as a family compound, but whatever the size, it is hers, and she will fight to protect it.
Women are driven to nest even if there are no children, since it is a symbol of security, a safe haven. Venturing into the nest area is fraught with danger, usually giving men the willies (shivers down the spine and an uncomfortable "I shouldn't be here" sensation in the stomach). At an early age, every man recognizes these feelings with regard to the nest, even if it's related to his own mother.
Take the nest of a friend of mine, who is also a vicious dominatrix. You might expect her nest to be leather and black or red with a minimalist air, but nothing could be further from the truth. She has no children of her own, so her nest is her bedroom, all done in French Provincial furniture with ruffles, flounces, and giant, poufy pillows. Granted, she has eyebolts in the ceiling above her bed for shibari suspension, a fully equipped dungeon in her basement, and she couldn't boil an egg to save her life, but she does have a nest. It is completely hers, and as a male, I feel seriously uncomfortable being there in her space. The nest is quintessentially female and serves the dual purpose of security and safety.
Once in a relationship with a man, however, a woman's space—her nest—becomes his as well. She "builds" the nest as a safe zone for whatever family is introduced in the present or future and protects it with as much force as if it were hers alone. Be aware of the nest, guys; it is a potential trap and a place of potential woes. The man and his family may become one with her and the nest, but remember that it remains a woman's space.
Have any male readers ever noticed that the day or evening of the date made a serious difference with the woman? I didn't think so either. Sure, some of you may delegate less important days such as Tuesday and Wednesday to less desirable woman, but most men don't pay attention to such details. Men will work the week to leave Friday and Saturday (and possibly Sunday) available for dates.
My dominatrix friend explained in no uncertain terms that the day of the week for a date matters tremendously to women. Evidently, a Saturday that extends into Sunday is the most desirable. The rationale behind this is that Saturday is a day for leisure, so the male can initiate the date that afternoon before extending it through the night to end up on Sunday morning with brunch. Friday-night dates generally do not extend into Saturday, or at least not far into the day.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from It Really Is THAT Complicatedby Charles E. Rawlings Copyright © 2012 by Charles E. Rawlings . Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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