How Emotional Abuse Happens and How It Feels

Introduction to the Story of Susan and Jack

Emotional abuse is sneaky, cumulative, and dangerous. Its tentacles wrap around you when you get involved with someone who has a deep-seated need to control you.

Let's say you're a woman who gets involved with a man. He piques your interest with his charm, looks, and ingenuity. He pursues you with an intensity you've never experienced. He makes you feel loved and special. You are certain he has the character traits you've searched for in a life partner. You return his love and feel hopeful about your future together.

Like tiny snowballs rolling downhill that cause an avalanche, indicators appear early in the relationship, but you ignore them. If you don't, he explains them away. He may falsely accuse you of cheating. He may scold you for not spending enough time with him. He may tell you he needs a partner who "has his back," and you're not living up to the job. You are confused when he makes you feel like an idiot without actually saying the word. You doubt yourself when he discounts your feelings and says you are too sensitive. You think you need to improve yourself, because according to him, you are the problem. But the more you do to earn his love, the less secure you feel in the relationship.

What you don't realize is that your lover has zeroed in on your psychological weak spots. He is taking advantage of your vulnerability to break you down and mold you into a person who meets his unwholesome wants and wishes. An overriding need to dominate others, and possibly a sense of entitlement, drives his abusive behavior, but he's indifferent to your feelings.

Regardless of his motivation, he is like a spider that catches prey in its web and paralyzes the prey before eating it. He disarms your ability to defend yourself and consumes bits and pieces of you for his own gratification.

His arsenal consists of power plays, deception, denial, invalidation, ridicule, and contradiction. These powerful weapons distort your reality, break down your intuition and judgment, and make you even more susceptible to his tactics. They cause you to feel self-doubt, shame, and guilt, and rob you of your ability to think and act spontaneously, as you would normally. Stress and anxiety envelope you, and depression creeps in.

In an effort to restore the relationship to its former glory, you think and behave in ways that contribute to the abuse. You go against your principles and put your self-respect on the line, because your only objective is to win back his love.

When with friends and family, you enter a silent conspiracy with your abusive partner to smooth over the turbulence in your relationship. Even if you want to disclose what's happening, you can't explain it. You are left alone and vulnerable to an insidious force that ravages you from the inside out as you struggle to define, or even identify, the cause.

You either disappear into the murky undertow of your union or find the strength to pull your weakened self out of the relationship. Unless you understand the whats, hows, and whys of the experience that caused you exquisite pain, you fall back into the same quagmire with another abusive partner.

Read on to see how emotional abuse happens in the story of Susan and Jack. The story is a compilation that is drawn from the true experiences of emotional abuse survivors, but the names and circumstances have been changed to protect identities.

Jack uses at least fifty-two emotional abuse tactics on Susan. Most are hidden, but Susan is unsure of even the most obvious tactics, because she sees Jack as a man who loves her and would never intentionally harm her.

Jack's abuse is particularly damaging to Susan because she is deeply conflicted about why she feels anguish, and she struggles to understand who is at fault for the strife in their marriage. She experiences twenty-six emotional abuse effects and contributors.

After you read the story, refer to the listed page numbers to read about the abuse tactics, effects, and contributors in the story. You will see how Jack's tactics increase his control over Susan by chipping away at her self-esteem and how she unknowingly contributes to his abuse.

As you learn the language of emotional abuse, you can write your own story. When you revisit your memories, you may gain clarity about your reasons for getting involved with an emotional abuser and why you stayed in a relationship so damaging to your sense of self-worth. Many of us who have been in emotionally abusive relationships know that recognition of abuse tactics, their effects, and how we contribute to the abuse, even in hindsight, is essential to end abuse and heal from the experience. Refer to page 203 for an invitation to share your story.

The Story of Susan and Jack

A familiar wave of heat rose from the pit of Susan's stomach and flushed her face with humiliation. She paused to collect herself and managed to smile at friends gathered around her dining room table. "Excuse me. I ... uh ... I'll be right back," she stammered as she turned away. She hurried down the hallway, slipped into the bathroom, and locked herself in.

Susan's tears brimmed and spilled down her cheeks. She questioned herself. Why can't I be clever enough to think of a witty retort when Jack puts me down? He said it was just a joke.

Susan had worked for two days to delight her friends with a gourmet meal and prove her culinary skills to Jack. He waited until she began to serve dinner, the crucial moment when his remark would hurt her most. "Poor Susan," he said. "She tries her best to cook, but unfortunately, she just doesn't have it. Eat at your own risk." He sneered.

The remark played over and over in her head, punctuated by Jack's usual response when his "jokes" upset her. "You're too sensitive. Don't take things so seriously."

Susan and Jack had become inseparable three years earlier when she met him through her work. His charm, intelligence, and sense of humor wooed her on their first date. Susan's interest in Jack grew as he showered her with gifts and attention. He made her feel special.

Jack impressed her with his openness when he disclosed that his "crazy" ex-wife had cheated on him multiple times. He stood by his ex-wife until his misery forced him to divorce her, but he supported her financially because he didn't want to cause her hardship. "What a decent guy," Susan gushed to her friends.

Optimism, persistence, and enthusiasm for accommodating others were among Susan's best qualities. She made roasted chicken for picnics in the park, played Jack's favorite music, and surprised him with tickets to plays and concerts. He deserved happiness after his disastrous marriage. She couldn't believe her luck in finding a man who was so vibrant, unselfish, and kindhearted.

The careers of both Jack and Susan flourished. He owned a growing medical products company, and she won praise for her work as a physician's assistant in a nonprofit hospital. Susan sensed that they shared common interests and that Jack might be the kind of man with whom she could spend her life. When she introduced him to her family and friends, everyone raved about him. He radiated geniality and graciousness. They told Susan that she and Jack exemplified a well-matched couple, and they teased her about not letting him get away.

Susan bragged to her friends about Jack's strong character traits, saying they were typical for a successful entrepreneur. She told them he flattered her when he showed an unusual interest in the details of her daily life. He wanted to know where she went, what she did, and all about her friends and coworkers. Susan didn't mind when he analyzed her decisions and told her where she went wrong. She liked a take-charge kind of guy. A friend cautioned, "Slow down. This man could be trouble," but Susan knew that Jack meant well.

Several months after Susan met Jack, he kept pressing her to move in with him, until she relented. Her intuition told her to wait and get to know Jack better, but she predicted that living together would strengthen their relationship. Jack told her he had searched for a woman like her for a long time. He loved her so much that he wanted to be with her every day.

After they moved in together, Jack and Susan went on a vacation to a beach resort near Jack's hometown. At the end of a serene day, they dined on the hotel veranda in the midst of pink and yellow hibiscus and a beautiful ocean panorama. Susan bathed in excitement for the promising life ahead of her.

Toward the end of dinner, Jack left the table twice. Susan spotted him in the bar area. He returned to pay the bill, escorted Susan back to their hotel room, and left for a long walk on the beach to "burn off all the calories." In one hour, Susan called Jack's cell phone, but he didn't answer. Two hours later, he returned and went straight into the bathroom to shower.

Susan rubbed her forehead, got out of bed, and knocked on the bathroom door. "Where have you been? I've been worried about you," she called through the door.

Jack opened the door and grimaced at her. "How can you question me after we've been together for three days straight? I needed some time alone," he protested. Jack shut the door and turned on the shower, which indicated the end of their dialogue.

Susan twisted her mouth and slumped into a chair. She grabbed her book, but thoughts nagged at her. Is Jack unreasonable? Maybe I should forget about what happened and give him space. Was he with someone else? He may have run into an old girlfriend. No; he wouldn't do that. If he'd only answered my call, I wouldn't have worried about him.

Jack finished his shower and went to bed. Susan hid in her book. When she heard him snoring lightly, she raised her head from the lamplight and peered into the darkened room at his muscular, tanned body. As the minutes wore on, her anger thawed. She conceded that Jack deserved time alone and put aside her grievances. How could she be irked at him for turning his phone off while he enjoyed a moonlit walk on the beach?

In the weeks after they returned home, Jack brought her flowers and called her from work to see if she needed groceries. On Saturday, he asked her for a list of things she wanted done around the house, and he completed them by the end of the weekend. Jack's thoughtfulness reinforced Susan's confidence that they were meant to be together.

As her emotional commitment to him deepened, another distressful incident occurred. Late one day, Jack told her to cancel her plans to go out with her girlfriends that evening and accompany him to a business-related event at a local nightclub. He explained that her presence would be important to his work. When she hesitated, he said, "Now that we're together, things aren't just about you anymore." Susan agreed to go with him.

At the reception, Jack left Susan with people she didn't know. She found him later in a dark corner of the bar with his arm around the young daughter of a business colleague. They were engrossed in flirtatious conversation when Susan caught Jack's eye. Susan rushed out of the nightclub and took a cab home.

Later, Jack reprimanded Susan for embarrassing him when she left the club. He explained that the woman, a recent college graduate, had asked him about his business. He'd intended to give her career advice but had drunk too much and didn't realize the conversation had gone on so long.

Susan wrestled with her reservations about marrying Jack, but her doubts receded several nights later as she prepared to get into bed. She drew back the bedcovers and found two airplane tickets to Grand Cayman on the sheet, along with Jack's note. In bold letters, he had written, "I love you. You are the only woman I want."

After they married, Jack and Susan got season tickets to sports events, socialized with friends, went away for long weekends, and indulged in lazy Sunday afternoons. Susan saw that their marriage suited Jack. The painful breakup with his first wife seemed to fade into the past, and he appeared content and more affectionate with her. Susan committed to showing him what a great partner she could be.

Jack wanted to be with Susan all the time and discouraged her from visits with her friends and family members. One night at a party, he found her across a crowded room, pulled her aside, and chastised her for not staying beside him. When they arrived home, a heated argument ended when he left the house. Late the next day, Jack came home but declined to talk about the incident for hours. He broke his silence with more blame. "If you really loved me, you wouldn't have been so anxious to fall all over other guys at the party," he complained. "You're just like everyone else who wants to push me to the side until they need me for something. I'm sick and tired of taking care of other people who only think of themselves. No one really cares about me at all."

Although agitated about their scuffle and Jack's disappearance, Susan realized the futility in talking to Jack. He defended himself and made excuses. She stifled her feelings and assumed that his display of jealousy and vulnerability proved how much he loved her.

One evening, as they watched a soccer game on television, Susan got the name of a player wrong. Jack called her a space cadet. When she responded, "I don't appreciate being called a space cadet," he echoed her words in a jeering voice. Susan leaped off the couch and darted out of the room.

Jack followed Susan around the house and heckled her. "Awwwww ... What's wrong wif da wittle baby?" he scoffed.

She screamed at him to go away, but he continued. She hurled an ashtray at him, and she broke down in tears.

Afterward, Susan felt deep sadness and disappointment in herself. She concluded that Jack, understandably, had gotten annoyed with her because he had a higher level of intelligence than she did. If she had a quicker mind, she could meet and match his wits. Susan, who normally drank in moderation, dulled her heartache with a bottle of wine.

The next morning, Jack confirmed Susan's thoughts. "You know your empty-headed comments make me crazy. If you stopped to think before you talked, we could have had a nice evening together." He admonished Susan for her inability to control her temper and her overindulgence in alcohol. Full of remorse and depleted from lack of sleep, Susan disliked herself for her reckless behavior.

On the night of their wedding anniversary, Jack took Susan to a trendy restaurant. At a cozy table for two that Jack prearranged, he slid a blue box from Tiffany's across the table to Susan. She yanked off the ribbon and box top, gasped at the sight of a diamond pendant necklace, and thanked him for his thoughtfulness. "You know I love you," Jack announced right on cue, "but you really get to me sometimes because of the way you act. I hope you finally understand what I'm talking about."

Susan didn't understand what Jack meant when he said "the way you act," but she didn't want to mar their anniversary with a discussion that would cause hard feelings between them. Jack lifted the jewelry out of the box, stood behind Susan, and fastened the necklace around her neck. Susan imagined a noose instead.

At dinner Jack amused Susan with stories about his work and made funny comments about people in the restaurant. Although Susan longed to let herself go and enjoy the evening, her intuition told her to be careful; if she let down her defenses, she might get hurt.

Susan gazed across the table at the man she had chosen to be with for a lifetime. His golden-blond hair brushed against the collar of his navy-blue jacket and crisp white shirt. Tall and fit, with a smile that could melt wax, Jack symbolized the man of her dreams, but all too often he appeared to be more like a character in a nightmare. Susan appreciated Jack's generosity and his sense of fun, but she hungered for a deeper and more fulfilling connection with him, one that honored her needs, feelings, personal interests, and opinions. She seemed to be invisible to Jack, except when he needed her.

Jack's plan for a lovely evening together and his carefully selected gift rekindled Susan's hope that they could be closer as a couple. She looked forward to spending time with him later, beside the fireplace in their bedroom.

After dinner, Jack pulled up in their driveway but stayed in the car. He reminded Susan that he had promised to join work colleagues after dinner to celebrate a lucrative business contract.

Susan swallowed hard and squinted at Jack. "You didn't tell me you were going out after dinner."