CHAPTER 1
The last Moment
Embrace it
Love Life,
It could be over before you know it.
Give those you love a hug each time you see them.
Smile when you see the sun.
Admire the beautiful scenery.
Have an appreciation for all that is around us.
Don't be naïve,
Everything can change in the blink of an eye
or a heartbeat.
Don't be blind.
See what you have before you lose it.
Let people know that you love them.
Let them know how much you appreciate them.
Appreciate what you have,
Appreciate life
Embrace it!
I was your average Canadian teenager. I have two younger twin sisters. I was shy and nervous speaking in front of large groups of people. Like most kids, I spent my days riding my bike around the neighbourhood. I went rollerblading with my friends and family. When I was thirteen, I enrolled in Junior Air Cadets. I thought I wanted to become a pilot when I grew up.
I was quite shy but I also loved acting. From the time I was a child, I would recite lines back from movies to my family. Secretly my dream was to pursue acting. I was a very creative young woman. I was just so timid. I remember once we publicly performed a line dance to the song "Achy, Breaky, Heart." The only reason I participated is because I was following my friends. I was terrified. I hated getting up in front of everyone.
I was an average student in most classes. I always thought the other students in class were smarter than me. I convinced myself that no matter how hard I tried, I could never be at their level. I definitely did not put in 100% effort. My self confidence was low. I took my natural abilities for granted.
I went to Confederation High School in Sudbury, Ontario. In 10th grade life changed forever. That year I started to develop a romantic relationship with a young man named A.J. One day at school he approached a friend of mine with a note. That's how our relationship began.
He did the typical shy guy, teenager move and asked her to give the note to me. She handed it over and I read it. I can still picture what it said:
I know you don't like me, but I have to tell you the truth. I have a crush on you.
Please call me tonight.
Love, A.J.
He wasn't very comfortable approaching girls. I wasn't very comfortable receiving attention from boys. I remember feeling shocked, flattered, nervous and countless other things. I wish I could remember everything about that day. Or any day we shared together.
My injury has left me with puzzle pieces that I constantly try to force together. A.J. and I ate lunch together nearly every day after that. We hung out after school at each other's houses. His mom once shared a memory with me I had forgotten. We went over to his house and he had me sit down. He sang me the song, Can't Fight the Moonlight, by LeAnne Rhymes. He was very sweet.
By the week of March 11th, 2001, A.J. and I were almost of the point of "going steady." I was fifteen years old and wanted to spend all my time with him. During the week I called my best friend Nathalie to discuss our plans for the weekend. Nathalie and I met in third grade. We grew up in the same neighbourhood and played together as kids. We went to the same high school and knew from a young age we would be friends for a long time.
A middle-aged man was known around our high school for throwing great parties. He owned a big house a bit outside of the city where teenagers could go and drink. During our conversation, Nathalie and I decided that we wanted to go there that weekend. A.J. was going to the party as well.
I asked my parents permission to spend some time at my friend's house. Of course, I did not tell them the truth. I made it out as if I was just going to have a sleepover with my girlfriends. I also asked for my allowance in advance. I said I needed to buy snacks for a movie. I actually wanted to buy beer at the party.
My outfit was carefully planned that evening. I wanted to look nice for A.J. I wore my favorite coat which was white with reflective stripes on the arms.
Nathalie and I arrived at the party with five other teenagers. There was a local band playing in the background. We paid for the beer and drank it from plastic cups. A big group of people were hanging around outside of the house. Eventually this lead to a huge snowball fight in the yard. It was a great party.
The main reason I wanted to be there was so I could be with A.J. It seems silly now. We could have done anything else that night. The party held over 200 people, most of them minors.
My friends told me after that A.J. was very happy at that party. He had a smile from ear to ear all night because he was there with me. I was happy too. We spent the entire night talking and laughing.
When it was time to leave, the first thing we did was ask the owner of the house if we could use his phone to call a taxi. The owner told us we had to leave. He was afraid of having so many underage drinkers on his property.
The group of us decided to walk to a nearby payphone. It was about a kilometer down a very straight road with absolutely no street lights. Nowadays everyone has a cell phone. I can't imagine needing to walk a kilometer to call someone for help.
We were all drinking and did not understand that it was dangerous to walk down a dark road at night. This is part of the reason I have dedicated in my adult life to speak to high school students. I stress the importance of safety when drinking.
As we headed down the street we broke up into groups of twos and threes. A.J. and I walked behind the rest of the group. We were holding hands and talking.
"Have you made up your mind?" he asked, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"
I looked right in his eyes and said, "I want to get to know you a bit more before I say yes."
A.J. still had a smile from ear to ear. It was a pretty responsible answer for a 15 year old when I think about it. I can't help but regret saying it. It probably would have made him happier if I had said I wanted to be his girlfriend.
That was the the last second of my old life. A drunk driver flew up the road and struck us. My whole life changed in an instant. A.J. and I got the majority of the impact. The car completely ran over A.J. and I was thrown to the other side of the road.
My friend Nathalie blacked out at first, then she woke up to see me and A.J. lying on the ground. She screamed at the top of her lungs. The girls ran over to me and the boys ran over to A.J. I was thrown 30 feet from the force of the impact. My body landed on the other side of the road. From that moment on the Candice Kirkbride my friends and family knew was gone.
Nathalie was thrown out of her shoes. Her main concern was getting to me. Blood was pouring out of my nose and mouth. She couldn't give me mouth to mouth resuscitation. The other girl we were with pushed down on my chest, trying to give my heart some help. They rolled me over onto my side so I didn't choke. Nathalie held me in her arms.
Every bone in A.J.'s body was broken. His friends were holding him. He had so much internal damage that his body could no longer sustain itself. His organs failed and he died. A.J. was an only child. His mother lost the most precious thing in her life.
A taxi came up the street a little while later and saw us lying on the side of the road. The driver had a cell phone and immediately called for an ambulance. He also took a blanket from the back seat of his car and laid it over me.
When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics assessed my condition and got me to the local hospital quickly. I was barely conscious and it was clear that I needed serious medical attention. They assessed my state and determined my initial Glasgow Coma Scale was 8. By the time I arrived at the hospital it had deteriorated to 6.
The Glasgow Coma Scale is a method in which to measure the conscious state of an individual on a scale from 1 to 15. In later medical reports, it was determined that the deterioration mainly occurred because I was withdrawing due to the pain of my injuries.
While my condition was being assessed, police officers were on their way to notify and collect my parents. I put them in the worst possible position. They believed their daughter was at a sleepover party with some girlfriends. Instead they were being woken up by police officers in the middle of the night.
We didn't have a doorbell. The officers call the house after knocking for several minutes. My parents opened the door and the officers explained that they needed to come to the hospital. They were completely blindsided. All they knew was that they had to sign permission for me to undergo major surgery.
The police arrived at my parent's house by 4:30am. They arrived at the hospital by 5:00am to sign the papers. It was their first ride ever in a police cruiser. They were numb on the way to the hospital. Their focus was on trying to stay calm, they had yet to learn the severity of the situation.
When they came in to see me, I wasn't conscious. My face wasn't swollen. I still looked like my normal self. I looked peaceful, as if I was sleeping. My mom bent down beside me and whispered in my ear, "Hi Candice, it's mom. We're going to get through this together. I love you."
By the time the sun rose that day, A.J. had died, I was mostly unconscious, Nathalie and another boy had pretty serious injuries and everyone else was permanently affected by what they had witnessed. But, when my friends talk about that night, they always mention what a great time we had at that party. I hope A.J.'s last thoughts truly were ones of happiness and joy
CHAPTER 2
Jane Doe
Lost and Dark
For me, it's dark. I cannot see a thing.
I am cold and the feelings that are
Trapped inside of my body are fear,
Confusion, and frustration.
I feel so alone.
So scared, feeling trapped, don't know
Where to turn. I want to turn.
But where to? I can't see the path before me.
I don't want to scream, it will scare me.
One foot in front of the other? Where will it take me?
It is dark. Where am I?
Is this hell? I'm not sure.
So confused, it makes me frustrated,
So frustrated it creates fear.
Please, please take away my
Pain and fear. And for you,
You should light my path.
Bring a flame and light my path.
Hospital personnel found I didn't have any official form of identification on me when the ambulance arrived at the hospital, My injuries were so severe they needed to prep for surgery immediately. I was admitted into the hospital as Jane Doe for a brief time.
An initial CT scan indicated I had a basal skull fracture and a severe depressive skull fracture in the right frontal region. There was also a blowout fracture of the skull on the left frontal area. I was placed in a medically induced coma to help cope with the severe pain of my injuries.
Nathalie eventually arrived at the hospital and was able to tell them my identity. At that point the police were sent to collect my parents. After they arrived and signed the necessary permission forms, I was brought in for initial surgeries.
The first surgery I underwent in the hospital was a procedure called a craniotomy and debridement of the right frontal area with the bone flap left out. They removed part of my skull (also known as a bone flap) to allow for swelling in the brain. This procedure was required because of the amount of intracranial pressure. They were concerned the amount of blood in my brain would cause further injuries.
After surgery, they kept me in the coma to avoid shock. The pain of my injuries was too much to tolerate on my own. My parents spent the night at the hospital.
A CT scan taken during this time revealed edema in the right frontal lobe and few punctate subcortical hemorrhages. I had swelling in the right part of my brain. There was distinct bleeding in the subcortical region as well. The subcortical region is the area of the brain below the cortex. I had several small injuries throughout different areas on the right side which culminated in a large brain injury. These types of injuries are permanent.
Those first few days in the hospital were incredibly touch and go. My parents set up camp in the waiting room and lived in a constant state of anxiety Family would give them support, but only my parents were permitted to enter the ICU. My close friends weren't permitted to see me in that state. Only family and close relatives were able to visit while I was in the coma.
Although I was in the hospital in a coma, the world continued on around me. Everyone went to school after the March break to find out about the terrible thing that happened. Grief of losing a student was in the air for days afterward. The guidance counselors held an open office for anyone who needed to talk. Overnight I was known by every member of my high school. I'd suddenly become "The girl with the brain injury."
They had to hold a funeral for A.J. Many students and teachers from the school attended. It was a sad period for Confederation Secondary School.
Several newspaper articles were written about what happened. I'm sure people were talking nonstop about the accident. Their only means of finding out how I was doing was through word of mouth. My friends stayed in touch with my family to get updates. There was so much information that was inaccurately reported by the newspaper articles.
I feel violated that newspapers get so many facts wrong. The details of that night are only known by a few people. I know what I know from police reports, ambulance reports and from what the other teenagers told me. In many ways I'm grateful I have no memory of what actually happened.
I have retrograde amnesia. I do not recall anything that happened prior to losing consciousness. The last thing I can remember is walking home with a woodworking project at the beginning of the new semester in school. That was February, nearly a month before the accident occurred.
Three days after the accident, I started showing some signs of consciousness. The nurses described me as "restless and agitated" in my medical notes. When they tried to put an I.V. into my neck, I was visibly irritated and grabbed at it in my unconscious state.
After five days of being in a coma, I started obeying simple commands. The nurses asked me to wiggle my toes or lift up my fingers. One day, I must have been irritated when the nurse gave the following command, "Ok, Candice, you know the drill, lift up one finger." You can imagine which finger I lifted for her. I was still unaware of time or place. I was not able to speak or recognize anyone.
I underwent a few surgeries during this two week period. After I started showing improvement (obeying the simple commands), the surgeons decided to reattach the bone flap. The surgery was completed successfully.
That night the nurse noticed my arm starting to twist outwards. She checked and my pupils were dilating. They had to remove the bone flap quickly. I had suffered a stroke. The injuries sustained from the stroke were just as severe as those caused the night of the accident. Since there was evidence of increased intracranial pressure, they performed a second, emergency procedure and removed the bone flap once again.
The doctors had to perform reconstructive surgery to help with the healing. They also wanted to give me a normal looking forehead, nose and cheeks. After the surgery, they wired my jaw shut so it could heal in place. They inserted metal plates throughout my face; 22 titanium plates, as well as more than 80 screws and sutured wires.
One day while the nurses were performing routine tasks, I suddenly sat straight up in bed. This was one of the first indications that I was getting better. It must have been freaky to see me sit up like that. I was in a coma.
Eventually I woke up The first thing I did was ask for my parents. The doctors felt this was a good sign. They believed I would retain some of my memory from before the accident. It was March 26, 2001. I celebrate the day every year as my new birthday. It's the day the world met the new Candice.
I did not wake up completely aware. The doctors noted that I wasn't aware of "continuous memory from day to day." My short term memory was very impaired. I didn't have a sense of what was happening every day. Doctors determined eventually that this period was influenced by post traumatic amnesia and confusion.
By my second week in the hospital, I was moved to the step down unit. I started to become aware of my surroundings. Freaked out and confused is the best way to describe what it felt like. I was completely bald from all the surgeries. Once when I placed by hand on my head it clicked that I didn't have hair. My first thought was that someone had stolen my hair. I hated it.
It was one of the first indications that I was becoming aware of my surroundings. It was also a clue that there was a new Candice. The old Candice would not have said stuff like that in public.
After spending a few days in the step down unit, I was moved to a semi private room in acute care, where I spent two weeks.
I felt confined, frustrated and confused most of the time. I thought everyone was against me. Why wouldn't they let me live my life or do what I wanted? I truly felt imprisoned. For my parents I was unpredictable. It was agony. Everyone walked on eggshells around me because they didn't know how I would react to certain situations.
