Chapter One
THE CULT OF THE
NONEXPERT
 
The cat owner can’t smell the box, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stink.
           —SUPPORT-GROUP SLOGAN
 
 
I’m no expert, but I play one on TV. You may have seen me on the chat-show circuit talking about my cat-dependency workshops, yet I’m no more of an expert than you are. If I appear more knowledgeable it may only be because I know more—a cognitive advantage gained through an acquired experience differential.
 
Despite my non-expert status, however, people often ask me, “What is cat-dependence? Who has it and why? What are the symptoms? Is it contagious? Could I have it and not know it?”
 
I say, “Whoah!” Or as some say in the counselling industry, “Hold on a second.” If we answer all those questions at once, confusion may result. “Right away is right awry,” as the recovery slogan goes—meaning that changes quickly made are just as quickly unmade. Moreover, if we cover (or recover) too much ground too quickly it won’t be much of a book, will it? And although I’m no expert, just an ordinary person like yourself, I have amassed some small expertise in the course of writing several books on various feline domestic disorders.
 
EASY DOESN’T
 
Luckily for me, cat-dependency is an amorphous concept that defies easy definition. Even within the counselling field, debates rage as to whether cat dependency is a disease or just a dis-ease. Some maintain that all cat owners are to some degree cat-dependent; in effect, any relationship with a cat is unhealthy. Others believe that healthy cohabitation, that is, cat-habitation, is possible in theory if difficult in practice. There is even a rancorous dispute in clinical circles about the movement’s nomenclature, i.e., should it be referred to as “cat-dependence” or “cat-dependency”? It is, as we say in the field, “all academic.” (See especially, Cat-Dependence or Cat-Dependency: A Submerging Issue by C. Ibid and E. G. Frinstanz et al.).
 
It certainly seems that when it comes to cat-dependency, the only thing certain is uncertainty. In any case, cat-dependence, whatever it may be, is closely connected to the booming co-dependency cottage industry. (Co-dependency is that constellation of interrelated syndromes in which the personality is deformed by close proximity to aberrant significant others. These “others” are often chemically dependent, or fat, or lazy, or disinclined to perform household chores. Or something. And the co-dependent, or insignificant other, tends to make excuses for the true malefactor’s bad behavior—to the point of totally distorting his or her own life.)
 
Like co-dependency, cat-dependency is the “sickness” of the “well” partner. Obviously, by analogy, cat-dependency is the condition whereby a person distorts his or her life by extreme emotional fealty to a feline. And, as often happens with the mates of alcoholics, the cat-dependent person covers up the problem, takes the blame, makes excuses, denies there’s a problem, and enables the problem to continue—thereby ensuring that the problem gets worse.
 
Like a smoker, or someone who dates lawyers, the cat-dependent person exists in a cognitively dissonant state of perpetual denial. The cat-dependent person may know unconsciously that what he or she is doing is dangerous or wrong, yet no evidence will dissuade him or her from the path of cuddly self-destruction (the dozens of cat-borne diseases, the damaged property, the damaged lives.)
 
These cat lovers may love unwisely, but they can rationalize like any neglected lover. We hear their plaintive voices: chewing off the phone cord is a cry for help, destroying a computer is a cry for help, playing poop hockey is a cry for help, coughing up hairballs is a cry for help. Actually, of course, it is this type of lame rationalization that is a cry for help. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. (In other words, that does mean that it does hurt.) Consider this heartfelt missive from the cat-dependent trenches:
 
Dear “Dr.” Reid,
 
I’ve tried everything I can think of, but it just doesn’t add up. Twelve steps to sobriety, eleven paths to enlightenment, ten to your own business (as well as going the whole nine yards and eight ways to breakfast). I’ve heeded the seven deadly warning signs, read about the six sure-fire ways to six figures in the coming recession, worked my way through the five stages of the grieving process. For kicks, I tried three ways to look out for #1. Yet after all that, my cat still makes me feel like a big zero. What’s a girl to do?
 
Anita Partridge
Peartree, Vermont
 
I told Ms. Partridge that although she’s done everything by the numbers, that doesn’t count for much these days. Unfortunately, there’s more than numerology involved in kicking the kitty habit. If you need help, I’ve got some numbers for you: 1-900-976-CatD (there is a $10 processing fee per call in addition to the per-minute rate, but you get what you pay for—this skimpy little paperback book you’re reading is a bargain at only $5.99, yet it’ll only take you so far. Call now for more personal attention—phone-screening para-therapy professionals are waiting to take your call).
 
EMOTE CONTROL
 
A cat-dependent person often finds it difficult to give up “control” of their cat’s life in cases where both pet and master are obviously out of control. And even in the best of situations, the cat-dependent’s vision of control is a hallucination.
 
If your significant other is alcoholic, at least you can urge him or her into treatment for alcoholism. But what is the treatment for felinism? In any Twelve-Step program for cats, four of those steps will likely be in the litter box. And it’s tough enough to get a cat to go into the other room, let alone to attend a Twelve-Step-program meeting.
 
To extend the analogy, few drunks ever reform themselves, but even fewer are reformed by others. And the odds for cat reform are worse—yet their only hope is for their nominal owners to release them into the realm of their own personal responsibility. (Moreover, the whole concept of “reform” is cosmologically dubious. In order to “re” form anything you must be capable of forming it in the first place—a creative generative leap obviously still beyond the best genetic engineers, let alone the lowly cat-dependent.) Cat-dependency is further complicated by the fact that it’s a hybrid syndrome with the worst aspects of dependency and co-dependency, i.e., in some ways, cat-dependence is an addiction and in others it resembles an addiction to another person’s addiction-distorted life.
 
Yet whatever the difficulties of defining the parameters of cat-dependence, most experts would agree that this dysfunction, or “network of not-working behaviors” as we like to say, mostly afflicts outwardly “well-adjusted” individuals with plenty of disposable income and free time. People like “you.”
 
This isn’t to suggest that our counselling is just “con” and “selling” with “u” stuck in it. No, far from it, though many of you do get stuck in counselling. And of course, many wellness outreach facilitators are money-grubbing charlatans—their outreach is for your wallet and the sooner they can facilitate it, the better.
 
The dangers, ironically and then some, were elucidated by my former colleague and co-author Dr. Peter Astor (DDS) in the preface he penned for our book Women Who Love Cats Too Much. “No problem? No problem,” he wrote. “Because no problem is too insignificant to write a profitable self-help book about.” Astor’s no-problem dictum proved problematic for me and we parted ways shortly thereafter. (Those interested in a fuller treatment of this therapeutic schism can peruse my article in the dependency journal, That All Depends, entitled, “Co-Written No More: Exorcizing the Ghostwriter in the Machine.”)
 
EMOTIONAL CHECKPOINT/
HANDY CHECKLIST
 
As you can doubtless tell already, everything having to do with cat-dependency is steeped in controversy or simmering in anger (if not stewing in its own juices). So if experts can’t agree on cat-dependency, you shouldn’t worry about not grasping the concept in its entirety right away. You should, however, know how you feel. You should always check your feelings, but never check them at the door.
 
Do you feel:
 
Anxious
 Eager
 Agitated
 Uptight
 Wired
 Stressed out
 
Good. Welcome to the human race. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. In fact, there would probably be something wrong with you if you thought everything was all right. Take a deep breath and move on to the next chapter.