The Case Against Jesus

Jesus Christ was a narcissistic, horrifically violent, slavery supporting, misogynistic, wealth worshipping, Roman occupation collaborating, gaslighting, hissy fit throwing, hell condemning, vile fictional character. Plus he famously went into a public place and attacked people, sheep, cattle, and other barnyard animals with a whip, quite possibly stemming from having been born in a barn. He was also astoundingly lazy.

He actually did very little to help the poor, spent most of his time in the company of the rich, and hurt a great many. For every positive thing he said, there are innumerable examples of him saying, and most importantly, doing the opposite. He was also utterly indifferent to his fellow Jews' mass enslavement, crucifixions, and grinding poverty under the Roman occupation.

His maniacal enthusiasm for condemning people to hell is less about anyone deserving it and more about him throwing a temper tantrum whenever his feelings were hurt. Much of what he says comes across as "You just wait til I come back with my dad and his angels! Boy are you guys gonna be sorry!"The best way to get through the tedium of reading the Gospels is to imagine Jesus as a spoiled four year old who thinks he has divine powers.

His famous parables were told to, for the benefit of, and from the perspective of kings, wealthy "masters," and most shockingly, slaveowners. This was one of several surprising-a more accurate word would be sickening-things to be discovered when reading the Gospels: his cruel and demeaning attitude to the poor and particularly the enslaved.

In Matthew 18 and The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant, Jesus, aka the Prince of Compassion, enthusiastically allows for torture when a slave can't repay a debt (verse 34): "In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed." In his charming Parable of the Wedding Banquet (Matthew 22), a poor man is violently thrown out for not wearing the correct clothes. Jesus' exact words are (verse 13): "throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

This catchphrase is repeated throughout the Gospels: you can just imagine him asking someone to pass the salt or else they will be thrown "outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Jesus was the absolute master of blaming the victim. In John 5:14 he heals a man who had been unable to walk for 38 years and then tells him to "Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you." A woman accused of adultery is told the same thing (John 8:11). In Mark 4 and Matthew 13 he tells his disciples that he speaks in parables so that most people won't understand what he's talking about, and thus won't be forgiven and will be condemned to hell. Because, you know, he can. Classy guy.

Arguably his clearest teachings combine slavish worship of hierarchy and wealth with an utter contempt for the most destitute of society. In his Parable of the Ten Minas a king "of noble birth" has his opponents brought before him to be killed. The cruelty is the point (Luke 19:27): "'But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them-bring them here and kill them in front of me.'"

By the way: a more accurate name for Jesus is actually Oily Josh, since Jesus in Hebrew is "Yeshua" which translates to Joshua in English, and Christ means "the anointed one".