CHAPTER 1

THE SHERRIFF AND THE CLAW

    1950

    Jim the sheriff and his five deputys
    Came walking down the street
    The Claw and his gang had just robbed the bank
    And there the ones they hopped to meet.

    The street was left blank
    For everyone knew the Claw
    Had just robbed the Bank

    When all at once, up went a flaming arrow
    It went stright for a ally wich was very narrow

    It was a signal to the Claw that
    The sheriff was coming
    And his gunners started gunning.

    Jim sneaked around behind the Claw
    The Claw saw him and drawed
    And Jim drawed, fired
    And that finished it all

    Jims deputies kept shooting till the
    Heard everyone of the Claws men fall
    Once more that little town was saved by
    The sheriff from the Claw


    A HEAVENLY GLOW

    March 28, 2012

    When someone leaves us that we love and care about so much
    We feel betrayed and all alone and the world lies in a hush

    They were our inspiration and seemed to have an inner-light
    That would take away our fears and light up our night

    Even though that light goes out on earth, they leave us with a heavenly
    glow
    That even in death that light shines and helps our spirituality grow

    As that light shines down on us and shows us the glowing way
    We see that light and it reminds us that their love is here to stay

    Art was for me that inspiration and inner-light that always made
    everything alright
    I could always depend on his insight and wisdom to make my problems
    seem slight

    I will love and miss him deeply for all he was to me
    I'll miss our talks and his laughter that he gave so free

    Although he went on the path we will all eventually go
    I'll always and forever miss him and his "heavenly glow"


    SANTA CLAUS, MY ALBATROSS

    2012

    After a trip to California to visit my family
    I was on my way home on a super jet
    When all at once the plane veered to the right
    That was a surprise I won't soon forget

    I looked out the window to see what had happened
    Only to see a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
    With a little fat man sitting at the reins
    Almost getting ran over, you could see his fear

    Trying to sop up my spilled drink with a napkin
    Wondering what in the world I had just seen
    I looked around me to see if any one else
    Was shocked by this "out of the plane scene"

    Now Santa Claus I thought was just a myth
    And something that only small children believe
    But I just saw him with my own doughtful eyes
    And a fact like this is really hard to achieve

    I decided no one else had seen what I just did
    So I wasn't going to say a word about it
    No one would believe what I had to say anyway
    People would think I was having some kind of a fit

    Deciding to keep my mouth shut about the whole
    Thing, then we had our biggest delay so far
    We had to circle for half an hour because there was
    An unidentified flying object spotted on the radar

    Finally landing, I couldn't wait to get off
    That plane and get my luggage and be gone
    All I wanted to do was get in my car and
    Point it down the highway headed for home

    About half way home I had another scare
    Slamming on my brakes and sliding to a halt
    Crossing in front of me was that same sleigh
    And reindeer and this too wasn't my fault

    That little fat man just waved and shouted out
    Something I couldn't make out too clear
    I had a little something I wanted to shout
    Also but it's not something for most ears to hear

    Finally getting home very late I tried to explain
    What had happened to my unbelieving wife
    She laughed and said I was out of my mind
    I could already feel a lot of anger and strife

    About the time I was getting over my mad
    On my roof there was a really loud crash
    My wife looked at me and I looked at her
    Then I ran outside as quickly as a flash

    I looked up just in time for a large bundle
    To come crashing down around my head
    The bag was filled with toys of every kind
    It must have fallen out of Santa's sled

    Why me? Of all the houses in the world
    It had to land on this very spot, my house
    I'm starting to think Santa Claus is a menace
    Instead of jolly he's more like a louse

    I'm loudly expressing my feeling to my wife
    When there was suddenly a clattering on my roof top
    I'm thinking what now and I looked out the window
    To see the man in red hit the ground with a flop

    He gathered up his toys and casually threw
    The bundle adeptly over his shoulder
    And rose to the roof and into his sleigh
    Now how could anyone be any boulder

    I ran back out side to be covered from
    Head to toe with shingles and snow
    He tore up my roof with his sleigh and
    Reindeer as off into the night he did go

    The next morning while I'm still fuming
    At the damage and frustration caused by this fat man
    Who's supposed to bring so much happiness and
    Cheer to all the world but I'm certainly no fan

    That's when I noticed the gifts under our tree
    That weren't there the miserable night before
    We opened them up and guess what, they were
    From Santa, so, I guess he evened up the score


    FLYING HIGH

    April 13, 2012

    You know, I've always been fascinated with flying
    Altho the thought scares the bejeevers out of me
    Why, I can just climb up a few steps of a ladder
    And me lying on the ground is all I can see

    Then, one day I was talking to this pal of mine
    About this fascination of flying that I seek
    And he said he had a buddy that was a crop duster
    And he would probably take me up for just a little peek

    So, the darn fool that I am and crazy to boot
    I said "let's give it a whirl, what can it hurt?"
    My pal talked to his buddy and of course he said "yes,
    He would take me up for my first little spurt"

    We were to meet him at the airstrip about nine
    And his version of an airstrip was an alfalfa field
    He had a two seat bi-plane that looked rather worn
    By now the thought of flying was making my head start to reel

    I wasn't sure this was what I wanted to do
    Especially in this little plane that had seen it's better day
    I wasn't sure it would get off the ground on its own
    But by now I was committed so what could I say

    "Well, let's get started," he said with a little laugh
    And climbed up on the wing and reached into the cockpit
    And pulled out a six pack of warm beer
    "Have one," he says and pulled the tab on it

    The warm stale beer spewed and he took a swig
    But warm stale beer at nine in the morning wasn't for me
    He tossed the other five back in to the cockpit
    And pulled out a can of Copenhagan as nonchalant as can be

    "Want a chew?" he asked but didn't wait to see
    If I did or didn't as he stuffed some in his lip
    "It's going to be a fine day for flying" he assured
    As he turned up his beer can for another sip

    "Now you climb right into this cockpit
    And flip this here switch when I holler 'make'r hot'
    I'm gonna crank on that propeller there
    And that'll prime the engine and give it a little shot"

    So, he turned the prop a couple of times
    And hollered up to me to make'r hot
    I flipped on the switch and on the very first turn
    That old crate fired right up and that surprised me a lot

    He said "fasten your seat belt, we're hitting the air"
    That seat belt looked like it might of come out of a 55 Volkswagon
    But I snapped the buckle and tighten'er down
    I did some praying and promised God I'd go on the wagon

    He climbed in in front of me and I heard him buckle up
    Then I heard the snap of another beer can top yield
    As he threw the empty one over the side on the ground
    He revved up the engine and we started taxiing down the field

    That alfalfa field wasn't no asphalt runway for sure
    And we bumped our way all the way to the other end
    He turned her around and gave her full throttle
    And we raced away as I wondered where my body parts to send

    After jarring my teeth out we finally lifted off and
    We touched down a couple of times and I went out of my head
    For right in front of us was some low power lines
    And I knew for sure that I was soon to be dead

    But, he flew right under them just missing a barbed wire fence
    And he slowly started to climb with trees in front of us
    I shut my eyes and prayed and repented some more
    As his wheels trimmed the tree tops and I wanted to cuss

    We flew over a pond and right into a flock of ducks
    Feathers went everywhere even in my mouth and eyes
    He hollered "duck" as he spit out a mouth full of tobacco juice
    And the prop blast splattered it all over me to no surprise

    We started to climb and we were going straight up
    And the plane went into a stall when we got so high
    And down we started and went into a tail spin
    And I bent way over so I could kiss my butt goodbye

    I could see the ground coming up really fast
    And I knew that this for sure was going to be the end
    But, just as I thought we would crash he pulled it out
    Just missing some milk cows turning one from end to end

    We finally leveled off as I sat there in my soiled under wear
    And looking around I'm thinking 'now this isn't so bad'
    When suddenly he flips the plane upside down
    And I decided this lunatic is absolutely and completely mad

    When he flipped the plane his four pak of beer fell out
    And he calmly reached out and grabbed it
    An everyday occasion it would certainly seen
    As I'm straining against my VW seat belt that really didn't fit

    Then we got upright again and he circled the alfalfa field
    And came in for a landing by the seat of his pants
    I started climbing our of that rattle trap before he came to a stop
    I was afraid he would take off again and I wasn't taking a chance

    I ran away form that contraption as fast as I could
    He swung it around and shut the engine off
    My pal was there waiting for us with a big grin
    "How did you like it way up there in the loft?"

    Before I could answer my pilot swaggered up
    With a beer can in his hand "didn't get a chance to like it much
    I only gave him a short tour and was pretty easy on him
    Next time I'll give him a dare devil ride that'll really give him a rush

    I'm thinking 'not in this life time or even in the next
    If that was being easy on me I didn't want any part
    So, the next time I have a fascination or yen, I'm keeping
    It to myself from my mouth it will never depart

    One good thing did come out of all of that rout
    I'm not afraid of flying or heights any more
    I figure nothing else could ever be that bad again, as long
    As they're BIG jets and I can keep my feet on the floor