Despite their traditional modesty and reluctance to discuss sexual matters, even insular Orthodox Jewish communities are no longer silent regarding child molestation. Mandel (CEO, OHEL Children's Home and Family Services, New York) and Pelcovitz (Jewish education, pastoral psychology, Yeshiva U., New York) introduce a dozen essays that dispel myths and treat this issue from the perspectives of victims, religious law, and prevention. The book includes a child's circle of protection graphic, list of signs and symptoms of abuse, guidelines for talking to children about possible sexual abuse, culturally-appropriate prevention and treatment models, and a glossary of Hebrew terms. Annotation ©2011 Book News, Inc., Portland, OR (booknews.com)
BREAKING THE SILENCE
SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE JEWISH COMMUNITYKTAV Publishing House, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 David Mandel and David Pelcovitz
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-60280-165-3Contents
INTRODUCTION: TRANSFORMING VICTIMS INTO SURVIVORS Dr. David Pelcovitz and David Mandel......................................................xiPREFACE AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Dr. David Pelcovitz and David Mandel............................................................................xixBIOGRAPHIES..................................................................................................................................xxiChapter 1 INTERVIEWS WITH MALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Gavriel Fagin......................................................................3Chapter 2 THE VOICES OF FEMALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Excerpts from Letters (compiled and adapted by Ethel Gottlieb).....................16Chapter 3 UNWANTED TOUCH: A PREVENTIVE APPROACH FOR PARENTS Dr. Susan Schulman..............................................................25Chapter 4 A SCHOOL PREVENTION MODEL Debbie Fox..............................................................................................46Chapter 5 A COMMUNITY SAFETY PLAN TO RESPOND TO SEXUAL ABUSE David Mandel...................................................................97Chapter 6 MOLESTATION — A HALACHIC PERSPECTIVE Rav Dovid Cohen........................................................................121Chapter 7 THE 411 ON 911: REPORTING JEWISH ABUSERS TO THE CIVIL AUTHORITIES Rabbi Mark Dratch...............................................129Chapter 8 CHILD WELFARE INVESTIGATION PROTOCOLS Adam Lancer, Esq............................................................................149Chapter 9 TREATMENT OF VICTIMS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE Dr. David Pelcovitz....................................................................167Chapter 10 CLINICAL CONSIDERATIONS IN THE TREATMENT OF THE ADOLESCENT OFFENDER Barry Horowitz...............................................195Chapter 11 TREATMENT OF ADULT OFFENDERS Hillel Sternstein...................................................................................238Chapter 12 SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY: SYSTEMS, EXPERIENCE AND REPAIR Dr. Isaac Schechter......................................304GLOSSARY.....................................................................................................................................339
Chapter One
INTERVIEWS WITH MALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Gavriel Fagin
I have had the privilege of working with survivors of sexual abuse for close to ten years as a mental health professional. My interactions with survivors have taken place in two main venues: as a former team member at OHEL serving victims of sexual abuse and more recently, as a private practitioner. Whether these interactions have been in the confines of individual therapy or in the transformational experience of a group process, a single theme has emerged: pain, anguish, and torment.
In this chapter I will share with you some of the most intimate experiences that male survivors of sexual abuse have gone through and often continue to feel. These emotions that I will share are painful for anyone to read. They are real — culled from interviews, individual sessions, and group interactions with survivors. I will try to present the information in the words of the survivor, often utilizing direct quotes. Presented in this chapter are the typical experiences of the typical survivor. While not every survivor grapples with the same issues, common themes are very frequently found regardless of age, type of community, and religious level. Indeed, the male survivors that I continue to work with come from Chassidish, Litvish, Yeshivish, and Centrist homes. The age of victimization has ranged from infanthood to late adolescence. The perpetrators of these abuses have been classroom teachers (Hebrew & English studies), school principals, school janitors, camp counselors, division heads, head counselors, people doing work in the child's home (contractor, locksmith, plumber), adolescent neighbors, adult neighbors, youth group leaders, tutors, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
Sexual offenders can be anyone. Rarely has a child that I have worked with been abused by a complete stranger. Reading this list of perpetrators and hearing the stories of abuse, one is certainly struck with the realization that abuse can take place at any time, in any venue, and with any individual. For parents, teachers, and community leaders reading this chapter, please understand the victim's pain. For therapists reading this, never lose your sensitivity to the survivor's pain. Finally, and most importantly, for survivors reading this chapter, you are not alone. Your pain can be understood. People might not get it fully, but we can try. You will not be rejected or judged for being a survivor. I will present the issues in an "interview" format, in order to help readers truly feel as if they are hearing the information directly from the victim.
Q. Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have prepared you to avoid being abused?
To a large extent, victims of sexual abuse grapple with this question throughout their entire life — could I have been protected or educated to avoid all of this pain? Parents will often cast undue blame and guilt on themselves that they did not do enough to protect their child. Ultimately, it is a question that is inherently unanswerable, but one that has practical implication for the potential protection of children.
When survivors are asked what, if anything, could have helped to avoid the abuse, one survivor said: "Parents and teachers need to know what abuse looks like." Another survivor encourages parents: "Speak to your kids. Tell them to be careful. Tell them that they can come talk about it. Tell them, please! [that] it is not their fault. They need to know that pain is pain and that it needs to be helped, not punished."
Victims of sexual abuse come from a very diverse population, and as such, each family and community has a different manner of addressing sexuality generally, and avoidance of abuse specifically. In some communities, the issues of sexuality are not discussed at all with children, be it healthy or unhealthy sexual touch or development. As such, these children will generally gather information from informal sources (such as friends or older siblings). Consequently, there is a very limited knowledge about what is appropriate sexual behavior. This lack of knowledge about healthy and unhealthy sexual touch and development puts a child at greater risk of being taken advantage of or of exploring sexuality on their own. Educating a child in a culturally sensitive manner can be accomplished through the guidance of a Rov or mentor and/or Mental Health Professional who shares or appreciates similar values.
In other families, children are taught to be afraid of "a bad person that will want to hurt you or touch you", and the child develops what is known as "stranger danger". The child is made to be afraid of outsiders or individuals who have been portrayed as a "monster" in some manner. The fact is that the overwhelming majority of children who are sexually victimized have a close and personal relationship with the abuser. As such, educating children regarding strangers only is not an effective educational tool. Conversely, I have worked with some families who share too much information with young children, and this information confuses and potentially traumatizes a young child.
Given the delicate nature of sharing this type of information with children, it is incumbent upon parents to do several things before speaking with their child. First, they must have a general understanding of the cognitive and emotional abilities of a specific child, as these factors will affect the type and scope of message that is given. Safety messages can usually begin at around four-years-old for most kids. Second, parents need to know themselves and how confident and comfortable they will be when discussing this issue with their child. Often, the assistance of a mentor/guide or professional will be helpful. Third, a clear and concise message should be crafted for the child. However, this message is never to be seen as a one-time statement. Rather, it is the foundational statement that should be reiterated and reinforced at critical junctures in the child's life. These junctures include the start of school, going on the bus, starting camp, a first sleepover, and dorming away from home. It should be highlighted to a child that the world is generally a safe place, but sometimes there are a few not nice people. Children need to know that they are the boss of their body. Children must be assured that if something does happen, they can always go to an adult they trust, and that no one will ever be angry at them if they share this kind of information.
Q. What are the factors that kept you from disclosing your abuse?
Aside from feeling unprepared in protecting themselves against abuse, survivors discuss many factors that kept them from sharing their abuse with adults, be it parents, teachers, or family members. Probably the number one reason that I have heard explaining non-disclosure is summarized best by a victim who when in his mid-thirties first disclosed his being abused by his brother: "Why didn't I tell'? Because it would have been my fault. Yes, he was older, but he was better than me. Who would they believe?" There is certainly a strong and understandable fear that disclosure of sexual abuse will not only be disbelieved, but that the victim will be made to feel at fault.
Additionally, one survivor reported his thought process that took place when he was eight-years-old, and had been abused by his grandfather for three years. He said: "I didn't tell, because think about it — this is my mother's father. She would have to choose between him and me. She knew him first. What would happen at a family gathering? What would happen on Chanuka? If I told, I would ruin everything."
Another important factor that keeps survivors from disclosing is the fear of serious negative consequences regarding marriageability. One teenage survivor put it succinctly: "My whole life was aimed at me getting on the 'A list' for shidduchim. I could have died and my parents would still push for me to be on that list! So I'm going to ruin it by talking about abuse?" Finally, there is tremendous shame associated with being a victim, not standing up to an abuser, and a sense of betrayal that keeps a victim from disclosing. These factors will be discussed further below.
The desire to be normal and not feel different often motivates victims to keep their pain silent. Some survivors claim that they did such a good job at hiding their abuse that no one could have known. "I was, still am, a normal guy. I am happy-go-lucky. I am the life of the party. I learn well. Why would anyone think I was abused?" was the comment made by a survivor in his twenties.
Other survivors describe feeling a tremendous sense of betrayal that so many layers of people (parents, Rebbeim, teachers, principals, family, and friends) missed their pain associated with abuse. Disclosing abuse would make them feel too angry and hurt. One example comes from a 27-year-old recently married man, who disclosed his abuse to his Rabbi the night after his wedding, as he was unable to consummate his marriage. He shared the pain and shock he felt because the adults in his life missed the blatant signs of his being sexually traumatized: "No one wanted to know why I was so scared to get married. Didn't anyone see the pain on my face? I was so lonely, [but] no one saw it."
Q. Do you have any physical symptoms that you have come to realize are based in the abuse?
Survivors have reported that they suffer from a host of physical symptoms, including: migraines or other headaches, nausea, high blood pressure, chest pains, difficulty in urinating or voiding bowels, and shaky hands. A survivor shared that after being abused by a brother, "As a result of the abuse, I have had medical problems. I have always been prone to gastritis. This started when I was only 11-years-old. Who ever heard of an 11-year-old with gastritis?" One survivor reported that "Something is constantly wrong with my body, but nothing that a doctor ever finds. It is clearer to me that it is really just in my head."
In younger children who are abused, stuttering can begin, especially when the child gets excited or nervous. Bedwetting is common. In adults and children, recurring dreams or nightmares of being chased or attacked, choked or stabbed have been reported. These nightmares often create extreme difficulty at work or school, as it becomes more and more difficult to function on fewer and fewer hours of sleep.
Q. What were, and are, the emotions that you experience as a survivor of sexual abuse?
Many emotions surround sexual abuse — some are considered universal, to a degree, while others are specific to individuals. What follows below are the main emotions that many survivors have shared. By and large, survivors express a sense that the world is chaotic and unpredictable. Also, they express the feeling that they cannot control their life specifically. This occurs both during the sexually abusive incidents and in subsequent daily living. One survivor explained that having been a victim of sexual abuse, he came to believe that he could not control his life or his body. This belief fueled a withdrawal from interpersonal relationships, because "Everyone is just going to take advantage of me." Another survivor described a barrier between himself and others, "It was like a moat. In other words they were visible, and yet there was an invisible barrier. I did not talk to people. I was afraid of people."
Survivors also describe feeling that they don't have a sense of self. One survivor explained that "I have no sense of who I am, I have constant low self-esteem. I hate myself, yet I have no idea who I am." Some survivors describe an extreme form of this feeling, expressed best by an 18-year-old arrested for his behavior: "I envy people like me who are in pain. I would give anything to have pain. [I feel] No anger. No hatred. Nothing. [I'm] Just numb. I cut myself to feel pain. I watch children being molested and hurt to feel pain. None of it works. I am blank."
Other emotions that come up often in interviews with survivors are anger, betrayal, fear, helplessness, confusion regarding sexuality, isolation/alienation, shame, humiliation, and guilt. Shame is especially powerful regarding feelings about masculinity. As one survivor put it, "Real men don't get abused, they can protect themselves."
Q. What are some of the sexual issues that you experience as a survivor?
A large number of survivors that I have met suffer from some sort of sexual dysfunction. This dysfunction can begin shortly after the abuse or it may be delayed until the onset of puberty. The dysfunction can be a life-long challenge. In younger children, the sexual issues usually include speaking about sexual issues or themes in inappropriate places, such as in the middle of class in front of the teacher and students. Teachers and parents will often report that children who were victimized will find ways to self-stimulate. Often, the victimization of a child is only caught because a child had acted out in some sexual manner, be it inappropriate talk, self-stimulation, or touching of peers and/or other adults. As child-victims experience all of the shame, guilt confusion, and sexual gratification of sexual abuse, a distinct pattern is created that most things in the world (family, school, peers) are not pleasurable or fulfilling, and that the only "true" pleasure is sexual pleasure. All of these behaviors are a reaction to the abuse, are difficult for the child to control, and indicative of the need for professional help. Left untreated, this pattern of finding pleasure only in sexuality can become ingrained in the child. Teenagers will sometimes share their struggle with a parent or teacher, and this adult is often reported to be supportive and helpful. At other times, however, parents and teachers make survivors feel guilty about their behaviors, without realizing the damage that added guilt and shame cause.
For some teenage survivors, experimentation regarding sexuality with others begins relatively early. Adolescents have a natural curiosity about sexuality generally, which can be very healthy, but the teenage survivor has trouble modulating this curiosity. As one teenage survivor shared with me: "It's like I'm wearing these glasses. I feel like it's all over the place, but I also feel it's just me." While some non-abused teenagers experiment with sexuality with same-gender peers, the quality of this experimentation with adolescent survivors is quite different. As one adolescent reported: "Acting out is a way to have control over someone else. I can see what the guy who did this to me was feeling."
As teenage survivors get older, there can be an increase in the use of pornography, both internet and traditional; sexual videos/DVD's; phone sex, and sex-messaging (text messages with sexual content). This activity will often sustain itself well into the adult years. Other sexual issues that develop in adolescents are voyeurism and exhibitionism. Many boys have described purposely exposing themselves in the dorm for sexual gratification or to "test" another boy's willingness to be sexual, or to just derive pleasure from the exposure. Also, some boys are caught "window peeping" around their dorm. These activities are not necessarily motivated by homosexual feelings, but can be a response to being victimized at an earlier age. Without therapeutic intervention, these activities that begin in adolescence will often continue into adulthood.
Even for those adult survivors that do not exhibit extensive acting-out behavior, their relationships are far from their ideal wishes. As one survivor put it: "I know that I am unable to achieve intimacy. My wife knows it, she feels it. She understands that I was taught in my abuse that sex and love are complete opposites. She gets it, but it hurts her tremendously."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from BREAKING THE SILENCE Copyright © 2011 by David Mandel and David Pelcovitz. Excerpted by permission of KTAV Publishing House, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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