CHAPTER 1
In The Struggle
Everybody has their own struggle. So be kind.
Author Unknown
Where Are You Dad? ... My Story
I awoke to the sound of sobbing from my mother's bedroom. Wiping the sleep from my 8-year-old eyes and stumbling into her room in my flannel pyjamas, I was unaware that my life had just taken a radical turn. My father, Lt Colonel Bryan J Wadie had been killed in a car accident the night before, on his way home from a golfing trip. He was ripped away from me in an instant. The link to my closest masculine influence had been severed, and I was set adrift to find my own way to manhood.
Of course, I did not realise that at the time. I shared tears with my mum and sister and then off I went to school that very same morning. The shock was still preventing the emotion from setting in. I discussed my father's death with my mates like it was a school project that I had completed on the weekend. Well, that was that. So I then joined them for a game of soccer and got on with my school day as normal. My memory is not the best, but on that morning I distinctly remember switching on the "numb button". I had done what the playground had prepared me for: to stuff away and bury the pain, deep down where I thought I would never find it. I stopped the tears and cut off any emotion. I toughened up, soldiered on and did my best to be a man. At least, what I thought a man was supposed to be.
As the years went on my dreams continued to haunt me. I often woke up believing that my father was still alive; that, in fact, he had been on a secret mission and would one-day return to our family, expecting him to waltz right back in through the door with a broad grin on his face. This expectation only led to an increase in my sadness; however, tears would never come as I continued to push the pain deep down in order to survive, as I knew best.
"Kids are so resilient-they bounce back." Is a common refrain I encountered from adults around me. Oh, how wrong they were! I became an expert in surviving by burying my wounds, festering and raw. Repressed and denied, the wounds never healed and resurfaced in my late thirties when I found myself spiralling out of control and lost. With no clear direction or purpose, I was far from leading a life of purpose. I was only surviving, and barely. I found myself screaming, "Where are you Dad? I am lost! I need you to show me the way!" I was deep in the struggle, at risk of losing my wife, my daughter, my savings and my desire for life.
Myths of Manhood
We are living in an important and fruitful moment now, for it is clear to men that the images of adult manhood given by popular culture are worn out, a man can no longer depend on them. By the time a man is thirty five he knows that the images of the right man, the tough man, the true man, which he received in high school, do not work in life. Such a man is open to new visions of what that man could be.
Robert Bly, Preface from Iron John - Men and Masculinity.
Where is our community of men with their wisdom to show us the way to manhood?
Examining the past few generations, as a result of our ongoing developing and expanding industrial world, a number of fathers and their fathers were distracted and taken away from their sons. In many cases this was and still is the consequence of several wars, long work hours, marital break-ups, migration, etc. In many families there has been an erosion of this male social structure once provided by fathers, uncles, elders and mentors. That is, there are many boys lacking a father or male role model in their home as they grow up. As a result many boys have had to try to find their own way into manhood without proper guidance. The media, the Internet, public role models and their peers frequently fill this masculine vacuum, proving insufficient if not entirely detrimental in many cases. This deviation away from ancient wisdom and tradition has resulted in many boys mistakenly adopting many manhood myths presented by popular culture; leaving them lost, underdeveloped and searching for meaning.
Our society is continually bombarded by the media in the form of advertising, movies, pornography and poor high profile role models creating a persistent shower of masculinity myths. Shining light on these myths will help us establish where many modern men find themselves today. It will provide a chance to examine what has and continues to shape our perceptions of manhood. It is time to expose these myths for the lies and misconceptions that they are. It is time to look for the truth that will protect and serve on the path to a more authentic and mature masculinity.
The following are a few of the common myths about masculinity:
Men should never show emotions or affection - it's a sign of weakness
As early as in the kindergarten playground, boys are conditioned to hold their tears and stop being mummy's boys. It's not just the kids; teachers and parents who will also state, "No one likes it when you cry" or "There are no tears at school." Later peers will tell their mates to "Suck it up princess." Men are encouraged to hide emotions and even affection. To do so is a sign of weakness. In addition, to show love to another man is considered "gay", and again boys are suppressed back into their shells.
This issue of emotional suppression leads to an inability to comprehend and deal with the full spectrum of feelings and emotions. The expression of love, anger, fear, shame or sadness is crucial for any human being. An emotion is a message from me to me. Being expressed psychologically and physically, emotions drive behaviour and motivation towards resolution and fulfilment. For example an emotional message may be to feel anger mentally and physically. Recognising this, a man can choose to process the anger by confronting someone with the truth and move towards resolution as opposed to stuffing it down deep, and letting it be projected towards an inappropriate target at the pub, at home or even it may resurface amplified years down the track. This smothering of emotions may result in emotional numbing, and eventually build up unprocessed, leading to disproportionate outbursts. It has been said that, "boys who don't cry shoot bullets". How can men understand the feelings of others if they can't comprehend and process their own feelings?
Today many men are socially conditioned to separate their hearts from their heads, leading to a lack of self-understanding and a lack of empathy which can easily lead to bullying, gender violence, aggression, and abuse. As a result, many men remain isolated, not really knowing how to enter and hold meaningful relationships with family, friends and partners. When connected to their hearts men can be empowered to heal their wounds and take responsability for their own feelings by expressing them with truth and integrity. Giving them a deeper self-awareness and ownership of their decisions, actions and reactions.
A real man is a sexual expert and defined by his sexual conquests.
His money, his car, and his job define him.
Real men are physically strong and athletic.
Real men are tough with their fists.
These myths do not serve the man or his community and they can lead to destructive patterns of bravado, promiscuity, low self-esteem, numbness and a lack of purpose. Many men will never be tough enough, sleep with enough women, be strong enough, take enough drugs, watch enough pornography, or make enough money to find their true path to happiness.
Too often I meet and listen to older men on rite of passage weekends or in my coaching practice as they reflect and lament how different their lives would have been if only good men had guided them when they were younger. Instead, as a result of the myths they attempted to cling to, these men suffered in many ways: enduring multiple marriage splits, drug and alcohol addictions, violence, abuse, and abandonment. They have spent a great amount of their lives in isolation, not knowing where to turn. These men didn't know how to deal with their pain and shadows as they followed empty and unsustainable paths to a false notion of manhood.
There is so much information and supposed self-help in our society, and yet men continue to endure deep in their own inner struggle. Where has the practical wisdom and guidance gone?
The Masks Men Wear
We all wear masks and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our skin.
Andre Berthiaume
As manhood myths creep into our society, many boys resort to hiding their true feelings and selves behind a mask that appears tough, cool and even indestructible. Ancient warriors wore masks as part of their defence; hiding their fear while striving to drive fear into the hearts of the enemy.
Many modern men wear a false social mask for very similar reasons, shielding themselves from being wounded by others while protecting their emotional territory from invasion and assault. Getting used to this safety mask, men tend to numb their emotions and consequently forget how to truly feel. They are fearful that their real self is not good enough or too scary to reveal. As many move through life in this lie, the wheels eventually start to fall off. They can lose touch with their inner self, which results in a clouded sense of meaning, direction and purpose. The midlife crisis hits and the man in sheer desperation searches for the guidance that he should have had when he was in his teens. If he can't find it, the consequences can be severe. Affairs, marriage breakups, job losses, depression, drugs, alcohol and even suicide can result.
The destructive consequences of leading a life shaped by the mask and the wounds and fear that lie behind it, often only become apparent after significant damage has been done. Like being swept out to sea with no control, a man may find himself at the mercy of his unseen shadows. He is lost and all of a sudden there is no place to hide. It's easy to put on a mask to transform into someone else, but it's harder to be who we really are. Many try to use their mask as a source of power and confidence, but ultimately, that power needs to come from within.
Fatherlessness
Where are our dads?
Where do you find yourself in the struggle in these modern times? Was your father present in your life? If so, was his father there for him to pass down the wisdom of manhood? Did you have a community of good men to nurture and guide you directly into manhood? Did you have to navigate your own way? Perhaps you are reading this guide as a mother raising a boy without a father, or male role model in the house. In that case what are your perceptions of manhood that you have adopted from your father, uncles and partners?
As mentioned earlier, over the past couple of generations more and more fathers have been absent from their families for one reason or another. As a result, their mothers, mates, and the media are raising many boys. With no disrespect or blame on the mothers, we find ourselves at a point where there have never before been so many fatherless sons. As a result, we have experienced a dissipation and disconnection from our collective ancient male wisdom. Modern man now finds himself deep in the struggle trying to identify his place and purpose in the world on his own. This lack of elder male guidance can manifest in many ways as men cling to myths, which bring about further troubles. In this struggle, men are literally searching for answers through the eyes of a boy looking to be saved, not as a man stepping up to make a difference and make choices based on his truth and values.
In the UK, more than one million children currently have no contact with their father while they are growing up, a figure that is growing by 20,000 a year. In the US, close to one in three boys are brought up without their father in the house. These boys have a higher risk for involvement in crime, drug addiction, poor education, sex abuse and mental health issues. In the US, around 70 % of juvenile offenders and men in prison grew up with either absent or abusive fathers. Looking at both boys and girls, over 70 % of high school dropouts, 63 % of youth suicides and 75 % of adolescents at drug and alcohol abuse centres come from fatherless homes.
Single Mothers
If you are a single mother raising your son on your own: do not panic. You will still be able to facilitate this process in your role as a mother by being supportive yet strategic. You deserve the utmost respect for all that you provide as a mother, and the additional effort you put into being a single parent. What your son needs to know, is that you are present, love him, and that you respect his move towards his new identity and independence. It is a time to plan and set up men's business opportunities and then step back. You don't need to try and fill the masculine shoes and make up for his father. It is okay to take that load from your shoulders and teach him mutual respect and responsibility as a wonderful woman, not as a mother trying to be a father. You are his link to the feminine, which is crucial for his development into a man that lives to trust and respect women.
It is time for you to farewell your little boy and plan to allow your son to go on his own journey, welcoming his return as a new man. Look for support from family, friends, teachers, sports coaches, and other influential figures in your son's life. Keep identifying and proactively engaging your son with one or several mentors that will nurture and develop various aspects of his life. There are many good men in your community that are waiting to contribute and make a difference, just wanting to be asked. Find these good men, let them nurture, support and teach your son. Then take a step back, and let him find his way.
Being a Man - The Facts
Here are a few of the more disturbing facts into the state of affairs of men today.
• In Australia one out of six men is suffering from depression at any point in time.
• Men carry out over 90% of acts of violence
• Boys are three times as likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls.
• In Australian schools, 70% of Ds and failing grades belong to males.
• Boys are twice as likely to be diagnosed with ADHD
• Young men (aged from 15 to 25) have three times the death rate from preventable causes compared to young women.
• Men make up 61% of the homeless.
• Adult men make up 80% of prison populations. This rate is even higher for juvenile incarceration of boys.
• Close to 80% of all suicides in Australia are men.
• Suicide is the leading cause of death for men aged between 15 and 44.
Now do I have your attention?
Mentoring: The Law of The Jungle
To complement the previous statistics, here is a story from the wilds of Africa that further sets the scene for the need of male leadership in our communities. It highlights the primal importance of guidance and the need for defined initiation and mentoring. I will let you draw your own parallels between the wilds of Kruger National Park and our modern day environment. Again I hear the cry, "where are you Dad?" Boys learn by watching and experiencing older men around them. So true is the phrase, "monkey see, monkey do." Or in this case, elephant see, elephant do.
Our mentoring story originates in Kruger National Park, South Africa. There was an issue of an overpopulation of the elephant herd that needed to be addressed for the sustainability of the other species. The ranks needed to be thinned out one way or another. The park rangers and authorities came up with a solution to relocate part of the herd to Pilanesberg National park where there was a need for more elephants to benefit the ecosystem and to encourage tourists.
Such a relocation is not an easy feat for such large animals. In fact, the large bull elephants were so heavy that the park rangers decided to only take the lighter juvenile and female elephants. Sadly, some of the fully-grown males were culled, and the others were left behind. There seemed to be no concern for the splitting up of the elephant community in such a way.
