The first thing I can remember saying was "Mmmmm ... mmmmm ... mmmmm ... aaaaah ... ohmmm ... haaaa ... waaaa ... heeel ... hell ... hey ... help ... hello ... hey ... haaaaa ... hummmm ... whaaa ... what are I ... why am I ... where ... what the ... where am I ... hey ...

"Hey! Help! Hello! Hello! Hey! Let me ... let me out of here! Oh shit! I can't move! Help! Help! Hello? Aggghhh!

"Oh shit, holy shit, oh my ... oh, holy shit, where am I? Oh Jesus ..."

And a calming voice said, "Steven. Relax. Do not try to move. Do not try to do anything. Find a place of stillness within you, and peace be with you."

I said, "Oh shit, oh lord, where am I?"

The voice said, "In heaven."

So I said, "Holy shit! Are you serious?"

The voice replied, "Yes. Now just try to relax. You will not be able to see for a while. You will not be able to move, either. Just try to relax. Focus on your breathing, and try to find peace."

"Oh, oh my, oh, okay. I, um, I uh, how, um —"

"How did you get here?"

"Yes."

"You died on earth. You came here. Now, just try to relax. Focus on your breathing, and try to relax. I will come back for you soon. You are safe, and everything is fine. Do not worry about anything. You are in our hands now. Peace be with you."

"Oh, oh, okay, I'll stay here and ..." Relax?

"Steven, if you need me, just call my name, and I will be here."

"Oh, ho, oh ... okay, thank you! Hey. Hello? Where did he go?

Wait, who was that? Saint Peter?

"Hey, Saint Peter? Shit. Hey! Mr. ... oh, what the hell was his last name? It wasn't ... Peter, was it? Why don't saints have last names? Shit. Hey ... you ... guy, Mr. ... um, hey, hello!

"Guess not. Who else is up here? In ... heaven? How the hell did I wind up in heaven? Who else could that have been? I should have read more on this ... it's, um, it's ... oh, Jesus!"

And he said, "Are you okay?"

"Jesus, is that you?"

"Yes. Are you okay?"

I said, "Oh shit, oh sweet Jesus, yes, I'm okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I, um —"

In a soothing tone, he said, "Look, just try to relax, and I will come back for you when the time is right."

"Oh yeah, sorry. I didn't ... I mean, I wasn't trying to —"

"I know. Don't worry. I will come for you when your sight has returned and you can move around. Until then, if you do need something, you can call for me."

"Oh, okay. Yep, 10-4. Sorry about that. My mistake. Hey, so, um, what's the ... hello? Anyone there? Shit. He's gone already. Okay. Relax. Just breathe. Whooo ... ahhhh ... whooo ... ahhhh ... whooo ... ahhhh ... whooo ... ahhhh ...

"Man, this is nice! I never spent much time just sitting and relaxing, thinking about my breathing and — whooo, ahhhh, whooo, ahhhh. In, out, in, out, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, expand, contract, expand, contract, ahhhh ...

"Hey, I wonder how long you can hold your breath in heaven. Let's see ... one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi ... Is heaven somewhere near Mississippi? I wonder if I'll get to find out. Wait, what was I doing? Holding my breath. Yeah, okay, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi ...

"Wait a minute. I don't feel any different if I breathe or if I don't. My chest doesn't hurt. Hey, I can do this forever! I don't need to breathe. I can hold my breath, and nothing happens. Holy shit! That's cool! I wonder if this is how a fish feels. Wow!

"Wasn't I supposed to be doing something? Oh yeah ... relax, breathe. Well, if he says to breathe, it must be for something. Okay. In, out, one, two, up, down, expand, contract ... not too difficult so far. One and two and three and four and ... Hey, what's the highest I've ever counted to? I wonder if I can count higher in heaven. Hey, what's infinity, anyway? What's eternity? I'll bet that I can ask someone that in heaven. Where the hell is heaven? Oh well, maybe I'll find out. One and two and one and two and ... I wonder how long I have to lie here before something happens to me. Who knows? In and out and in and out and ... hey, I think I can see a faint glimmer out of the corner of my eye. Is that ... light, or ... maybe I'm just imagining it?

"No, probably too quick, Steven, and you've never been quick at anything. One and two and one and — hey, maybe I'm in a coma and dreaming all of this. I heard that happens to some people. Yeah, maybe I'm just in a coma, and this is just what you do in a coma. You talk to people and lie around and breathe in and out, and one and two and ... shit, this is pretty boring.

"But I heard him say heaven. He said heaven, so maybe I'm in heaven and not in a coma. I guess I'll have to wait here to find out. Hey, that does look like a bit of light. And ... and ... I think that I can feel my toes. I have toes in heaven! This is pretty cool! I think that it's getting warmer too. Ahhhh, glorious warmth! I wonder if we're close to the sun. Wait, Steven, why the hell would that matter? Close to the sun. You're an idiot. You think that they need sunlight in heaven? Shit, they probably just make warmth out of ... hey, what do they make warmth out of in heaven? Holy shit. I don't know anything about this place. Was I supposed to learn something before I got here? Oh fuck, what if I am tested or something when I finally get to see and walk? I may be in real trouble!

"Hell, what do I know? I just got here. Steven, stop your ADHD for a second and just do what the man said. Breathe. In and out and one and two and up and down and ... what is it that the Buddhists say when they're meditating? Ohhhhmmm. No, aum, yeah, that's it, aauumm, aauumm, aauumm. Hey, this feels pretty cool! I can feel it vibrating in my head! Aauumm, aauumm. It's like, um, like putting a tuning fork on your head. Steven, what the hell would you know about that? Aauumm. Okay, it feels like, um, like putting your head next to the dryer ... aauumm. This is weird!

"At least I'm in heaven. This is awesome! I wonder how I got here. I wonder where here is. I'll bet that I get to ask these questions to someone. Shit, this is heaven! I'll bet that I get to ask any questions I want! When he gets back here, the first thing I'll ask him is if I get to ask questions to ... wait, can I say anyone else's name? Does that cause the same problem? Ggg ... Gggoo ... okay, here I go ... God. Hello? Anyone there? Anyone hear that? God? God? God! Nope. No problem.

"I wonder if I get to ask God anything I want. How cool would that be! I get to find out anything I wanted, and all I had to do was die. How did I die? I can't remember. I was ... well, I was on earth, and then ... what happened? Hey, how come I can remember how to count and how to breathe and how to talk but I can't remember how I got here? Oh well, I'll ask that too. What was I doing? Oh yes, aauumm, aauumm, one and two and one and two and up and down and in and out and ...

"Oh fuck, shit, oh no! I killed myself! Now I remember! Holy shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! I killed myself. Fuck. Why did I do that? Holy ... oh, oh, shit, I'm fucking screwed. Oh man, I'm fucking dead ...

"Wait. I am dead. And I'm in heaven. I killed myself. What the fuck? How did this happen? I ... I blew my head off! Why the hell did I ...? Hey, I wonder if that's why I can't see anything. No, he said it was normal.

"Well, fuck. What am I supposed to do when he comes back? He must know. They know stuff like that, right? What do they know up here? It's gotta be everything. How could they not know everything? Oh shit, what do I do? What do sinners do in heaven? You're supposed to, um, uh, fuck ... Why didn't I pay more attention in church? Why did I blow my head off? I wonder if everyone up here knows what I did. Fuck me. What the hell am I doing here, anyway, and how am I going to get out of this?

"If they find out, they'll throw me out of here for sure. Wait, why am I here in the first place? Maybe no one knows what I did. Maybe I shot myself on a day when no one was paying attention. Oh shit, oh shit! No, I know. They're just making me suffer right now. That's what they do to people like me. They just let you sit in blindness and shit yourself until they come back and tell you, 'Oops, sorry, we checked the books and Saint whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is screwed up, and you've got to go. Sorry, pal, you should have made it look like an accident. Yes, we have the denial of insurance benefits right here. Says the investigator concluded that it was a bona fide suicide. No accident. Sorry, bub, you've got to go.'

"Oh shit, what am I going to do? What a fucking stupid thing to do. Jesus ..."

Jesus said, "Steven, are you okay?"

"Hey, um, hey, man! Oh yeah! I was just relaxing, breathing, trying to stretch out a little bit, you know. Just trying to get my bearings, no big deal. Did I? Oh, sorry, did I accidentally call you?"

"Yes."

"Oh, sorry. I don't have my sight back yet, and I can't really move, either."

"Well, don't try to rush it. It can take awhile to get reacquainted. Just relax, and try not to do too much. You may start to see a little light after a bit. But you should not try to move until I get back. If you need me, I won't be far."

"Oh yeah, no problem. Hey, Jesus, one more thing before you go."

"Yes?"

"I'm in heaven, right?"

"Of course you are. Where did you think you would end up?"

I chuckled nervously. "Heaven. No, I knew it. I just wasn't sure that's what you said. You know, I'm still a little disoriented, that's all."

"As I said, it can take awhile to get reacquainted. All answers will be forthcoming. I have to go now."

"Oh, sure, sure, I'll see you later. Don't worry about me. Thanks."

"Is ... I think he's gone again. Whew! That was close. Steven, try to remember not to say the J word too much until you figure out what the hell you are doing here and how the hell you are going to get away with the stupid fucking thing you did. Shit.

"Okay. Start at the beginning. I'm in heaven. Good so far. I'm supposed to relax, breathe, and get reacquainted. Wait? Reacquainted? What the hell does that mean? He must mean re — ... oh, hell, I have no idea what he means. Maybe they speak funny up here. Didn't they speak funny in the Bible? Was I supposed to read that? Fuck. Well, at least Jes — ... that guy seems to speak my same language. That's good. I hope that everyone else does too.

"But what the hell else am I supposed to do? Back to breathing? Oh well, might as well try. One and two and up and down and in and out and ...

"To hell with this breathing stuff. What am I going to say to him when he gets back? There must have been some mistake. How do they make mistakes in heaven? There must be some kind of quality control guy up here watching out so shit like this doesn't happen. Then how did I wind up here?

"I did it. No question about that. I remember it. Thirty-fourth birthday. Went to the store. Bought a gun. No waiting period. Thank God for that. Went back to my crappy apartment, locked the door, sat down in the chair, and blammo. Fuck.

"Now what? I'm in heaven and can't see and can't move, and I don't know how the hell I am going to get away with this. How could they screw up like this? Let me think ...

"So I shot myself. I don't remember anything after that. Well, duh, dumb shit. Why would you remember? You blew your brains out. Did it right too. Blew the melon clean off, I'll bet. Gee, Steven, at least you finished one thing in your life. Start over.

"I shot myself, I landed in heaven. But how? Maybe they buried me in the wrong grave? Maybe I was put in the grave of someone else who was supposed to be here, and instead that person is rotting in hell somewhere where I'm supposed to be? Shit. I should probably tell someone that I don't belong here.

"Hey, maybe they buried me in the right grave, but they accidentally put me in the wrong part of the cemetery? Like in the Jewish part or the Catholic part? Is there a religion that lets you kill yourself? Fuck. I should have paid more attention to these things. Don't some parts of the cemetery guarantee you a trip to heaven? Yeah, maybe that's what happened!

"Steven, that's the stupidest thing you've ever said. How could that possibly work? You think that if you were in a certain part of a cemetery, it would keep them from knowing what you really did? Come on.

"Anyway, who would have done that? My family was all gone by then, weren't they? Who the hell would have buried me? Who would have taken the time or even cared that I'd died? Oh shit, I wonder who found me after I shot myself. I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it. I didn't leave a note.

"Maybe my landlord found me after I didn't pay the rent for a while. Maybe one of the neighbors heard the shot. Oh crap. I must have looked horrible sitting there in that chair with my face blown off. That was probably pretty terrifying for someone to walk in on. Maybe someone called the cops. I hope a cop found me. They're supposed to be used to seeing stuff like that.

"I wonder if it was my downstairs neighbor Emily. I sure as shit hope not. I didn't look very good when I went home that day. Hadn't shaved for a week, torn sweats, and my apartment was a fucking mess. I hope it wasn't her. I hope my blood and brain parts didn't seep through the floor and, like, land on someone. Or get into the water supply.

"Man, Emily sure was gorgeous! Nice, too, I think. Oh hell, how would I know? I talked to her, what, like twice in four years?

"So, what the fuck am I doing here? Jesus, I wish I knew." Alarmed, Jesus said, "Steven, are you all right?"

"Oh yeah." Shit. "Hi! You back again?"

"Steven, didn't you just call my name?"

"Did I? I'm sorry. I keep forgetting about that."

"Is your vision back?"

"Oh ... er ... um, let me check. No, not quite yet."

"That's okay. It can take some time. In the meantime, you don't have to do anything. Just relax. Everything is okay. After your vision comes back and you regain the ability to move, I will take you to see him."

"Who?"

"Him. You know, God."

I gasped so hard that I almost choked myself. "Oh yeah, sure, yeah, that'll be, um, great!"

"I have to go now."

"Oh, um, Jesus?"

"Yes?"

"I have one question for you."

"Yes?"

"We're in heaven, right?"

"Yes, we already went over this."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But how did I get here?"

"You died on earth; you came here. Didn't you hear me last time?"

"No, yes, of course I heard that. But what am I doing here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well ... I ... er, I mean, you know ..."

Flatly, he said, "Are you asking this question because you killed yourself?"

Air raid sirens went off in my head. "Yes ... I ... um ... yes. So ... you know about that?"

"Of course. Is that why you are asking?"

"Yes."

"We don't keep suicides out of heaven. Everyone is welcome here."

"Whew! I mean, oh. That sure is nice of you. Thanks for that." Jesus said, "Anything else?"

"Nope. I'm good. I'll just hang out here and, you know, breathe and relax and stuff like that, and I'll let you know when I can see. And I won't accidentally call you again like I did.

"Hello? Are you there? He's already gone again. Oh well."

"Steven, what the hell have you gotten yourself into now? Sure, he says that they let all suicides in, no problem. But what do they do with them? I'll bet they make the suicides the bottom of the trough up here. Slaves. Whipping boys. You know, the real bottom of the whole pile. I'll bet that I have to do the worst of the worst of the ... whatever it is that goes on here. What a mess. Christ ..."

Impatiently, Jesus said, "Steven?"

"Oh ... up ... did I, oh shit. That works too? I'm sorry about that. I was just, you know, talking to myself, and I guess I accidentally called out your name. I'm sorry about that. It won't happen again.

"So, who else have you been ... hey, hey? Whew! He's gone again. Steven, quit doing that. You know the rules. No J and no C while you're in here. But I can say God. God. God! Nothing. At least that's a relief.

"But shit, Steven, do you remember what he said? He is going to take you to see God. You are totally fucked now! Sure, Jes — ... I mean, he says that everything is fine and not to worry and just to breathe, but I'll bet that once I go to see the Big Guy, it'll be a different story.

"Why did they send him to see me first, anyway? Probably because he's the nice one up here, that's why. What did he do again? Oh yeah, he died for everyone's sins. Well, duh, of course he's going to be all nice to me when I get here. He already bought the big one so that I could ... wait, it can't work that way. He bought the big one so that I could get away with shooting myself? That's crazy. How could that even be true? He died like a long time ago, and I just bit it very ... hey, I wonder how long I've been up here? Oh well, just one more thing to remember to ask.