The subtitle for this collection reflects the fact that some of the entries originated as decades-old jokes spread by word of mouth or later as prose--often at great length--in newspapers and magazines. Radio, television, and the Internet have served to speed the transmission and recycling of humor to the point that one can sometimes hear and read the same amusing stories in different languages. Rhymed distillations of those stories supplement original compositions in this collection. None have been published in this form before. Join Blondie's fans in enjoying her romp through life!
A Blondie Reader
Old Wine in New VersesBy James R. WachobAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 James R. Wachob
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4389-7180-3Chapter One
BLONDIE AND ACCIDENT REDUCTION The cops declared her skills impaired; she needed more instruction. With some remorse she found a course in Accident Reduction.
She paid her fee but proved to be a victim of deception. She learned one day to her dismay it dealt with contraception.
BLONDIE AND DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME
Blondie's scared of global warming; polar ice will swamp our shore. Congress, which she says was reckless, gave us sunshine one hour more!
BLONDIE AND GAS PRICES
Though others gripe that prices soar, my costs don't ever climb. As I drive up, I give the man just twenty bucks each time.
BLONDIE AND PORNOGRAPHY
Blondie spurned pornography; the offers made her laugh: "What could I appreciate without a pornograph?"
BLONDIE AND SIGN LANGUAGE
She's taking a sign-language course with the hope she'll later be able to find a job that will put her new talents to work: to teach at a school for the blind.
BLONDIE AND TECH SUPPORT
She sat at her computer on a dark and stormy night. Her monitor stopped working, and it gave her quite a fright.
She couldn't keep on surfing, so she phoned to Tech Support: "Just now I got a problem of a very crazy sort."
"Please read the model number," said the techie loud and clear. "I can't," said Blondie sadly, "there's a power outage here."
BLONDIE AND THE BARKING DOG
The neighbors' dog barked loud and long, a tiresome nuisance nightly. So Blondie left the couple's bed, went out, returning sprightly.
"I fixed the problem," Blondie said, while cagily explaining: "I moved the dog to OUR backyard; now THEY can start complaining!"
BLONDIE AND THE BIOLOGY TEST
"What birds," was the question, "give others their young? The answer goes into the box." So Blondie wrote "cuckoos," explaining her choice: "No room for the young in the clocks."
BLONDIE AND THE BIRD
While strolling with Blondie one day in the park, a friend cried: "Poor birdie! It's dead!" But Blondie, not thinking to look on their path, was searching the heavens instead.
BLONDIE AND THE BLOOD TEST
She's cramming so she won't appear to be a blonde buffoon. She wants to know the answers for her blood test scheduled soon.
BLONDIE AND THE BOMB THREAT
Blondie has heard there are bombs that are "dirty," whose fallout can stifle computers with ease. Fearful, she wonders if bombing her building would cause the erasure of all her CD's.
BLONDIE AND THE CAR REPAIR
When her car was badly dented and she planned for its repair, then a neighbor said, "Save money, you can do the job with air.
"Put your lips around the tailpipe, and you blow until you're blue. All the dents will pop out quickly, and your car will look like new."
When the neighbor saw no progress, he unfairly asked her why. "I forgot to close the windows," said dear Blondie in reply.
BLONDIE AND THE CRASH COURSE
"You need to take a crash course now," her patient teacher said. So Blondie took those words to heart and started Drivers Ed.
BLONDIE AND THE DINOSAUR PARK
She went to a dinosaur theme park one day, robotics of cinema grade. Disheartened, she asked for a refund and said: "A couple were fake, I'm afraid."
BLONDIE AND THE DOG FOOD
She had a lot of dogs around, some black, some white, same breed. She wondered why it always was that blacks cost more to feed.
She called a vet to visit her, who urged her to relax. He smiled and said, "It's simple, ma'am, you've twice as many blacks."
BLONDIE AND THE DRESS CODE
The girls in the classroom were scantily clad and thought it was perfectly "cool." Describing them Jezebels luring the boys, the teacher made long sleeves the rule.
But Blondie liked T-shirts and wore them a lot; she wanted to show off her charms. Defying the teacher, she wouldn't obey and cited "the right to bare arms."
BLONDIE AND THE DRUGSTORE SCALES
When Blondie wondered what she weighed, she quickly spent a dime. Unhappily she read the words: "Just one, please, at a time."
BLONDIE AND THE EXERCISE PROGRAM
"Exercise gives added years!" The thought was very heady. Blondie, starting, said, "It's true; I've aged ten years already."
BLONDIE THE CUB REPORTER
The editor, angry, took Blondie to task: "So where's your report for today? The mayor was married at noon, as you know. Now why the outrageous delay?"
"There's really no story," said Blondie unfazed, "it's perfectly simple, you see. I'll tell you what happened at twelve in the church and think that you'll surely agree.
"The couple was standing in front of the priest when someone insulted the bride. The mayor turned 'round and unholstered his gun and shot while the womenfolk cried.
"The murder caused chaos, the candles fell down, the altar cloth quickly caught fire. The priest went unconscious inhaling the smoke; the flaming reached up to the choir.
"And now," added Blondie, "you know what I knew in making my best judgment call. No sense in pretending the wedding took place. There wasn't a story at all!"
BLONDIE AND THE GUN
When Blondie found her man in bed, a sweetie by his side, she drew a pistol from her purse to show her wounded pride.
"I'll kill myself in front of you," said Blondie clearly vexed. The man cried, "NO," but she replied, "Shut up or you'll be next."
BLONDIE AND THE JIGSAW PUZZLE
She finished the puzzle in 17 months, concluding a long stretch of tears. She's proud she succeeded in winning the race; the label said "3 to 5 years."
BLONDIE AND THE LOTTERY
She cried herself to sleep each night; her case seemed kind of funny. She often guessed the numbers right but never got the money.
She raised her problem up to God and prayed for help to lick it. A patient voice said, "Blondie dear, you've got to buy a ticket!"
BLONDIE AND THE NEW BUS
She waited in vain for her Bus 44 but saw then a Bus 22. Exhausted from standing, she welcomed a ride and felt that the new bus would do.
She boarded the bus she knew nothing about, and frankly she hadn't a care. She thought she'd get home on the Bus 22 by doubling the regular fare.
BLONDIE AND THE OFFICE PLOT
The girls in the office found out that their boss, a woman, left always at three. They one day decided to do the same thing and hoped that the boss wouldn't see.
When Blondie got home, she believed she could hear the sounds of a love-making pair. She peeked in the bedroom and saw with surprise her husband and boss lying there.
A couple days later, when Blondie was asked to join with the girls in their plot, she turned down their offer and timidly said: "The last time I nearly got caught!"
BLONDIE AND THE PAJAMAS
She learned to sew just recently. She wished to do her part to help the soldiers overseas. Pajamas were her start.
She handed in a dozen pairs. The major said, "No way. You need to make a minor change, and then they'll be okay."
"Pajamas need a fly," he said, then bring them back again." "You're wrong," said Blondie with a smile, "they're not for married men."
BLONDIE AND THE PAPAL ELECTION
Blondie, a foe of corruption and graft, was standing in St. Peter's square. Waiting to learn of the cardinals' choice, she hoped that the vote would be fair.
Watching the smokestack and hearing the name, she voiced her disgust for the men. "I knew it!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, "they've chosen a Catholic again!"
BLONDIE AND THE PASTOR
She wrote a big check for the pastor one day to pay for his basics, like bread. She'd heard all the gossip from folks in the church: "A very poor preacher," they said.
BLONDIE AND THE PHONE CALL
A misdialing caller woke Blondie one night; he thought she'd be angry and groan. "No problem," said Blondie, "I had to get up and anyway answer the phone."
BLONDIE AND THE PHONE LIST
When listing numbers for the class, she seemed to do just fine until she went off-track again and phoned to ask me mine.
BLONDIE AND THE POSTAGE STAMPS
With overblown frugality, she thinks she should be praised for buying lots of postage stamps before the rates were raised.
BLONDIE AND THE PREGNANCY TEST
She's gaily telling all her friends that she's expecting two. She bought a box of home-kit strips; the first one tested TRUE.
She tried another strip and found the same result, same day, which proved for her beyond a doubt that twins are on the way.
BLONDIE AND THE REAL ESTATE AGENT
"I think I'll buy this hilltop house," said Blondie one fine day. "I've got a question first to ask: the sun comes up which way?"
The agent, shaken, said, "The East" and planned to end the chat. But Blondie gave a quick excuse, "I don't keep up with that."
BLONDIE AND THE RECIPE
When Blondie faxed the recipe, she had an afterthought. She phoned her friend to send it back: "For this is all I've got."
BLONDIE AND THE SCARF
The salesclerk was incredulous as Blondie told her plight. She wanted to return a scarf which was, she said, too tight.
BLONDIE AND THE SECURITY CHECKS
"The staff will be given," the manager said, "security checks any day." "I'm thrilled," replied Blondie, "it surely will help to supplement regular pay."
BLONDIE'S BOARDINGHOUSE
When Blondie smelled the kitchen gas, she rushed and then was seething. A boarder's head was in the stove and he was deeply breathing.
"Now stop!" said Blondie angrily. "You must have been deluded. Our rule is kitchen privileges have never been included."
BLONDIE AND THE SLIMMING CLUB
When Blondie quit the slimming club, she shed a bitter tear. She said, when asked how much she'd lost, "A thousand bucks a year!"
BLONDIE AND THE SPELLING AWARD
She gave the boy a present; he'd aced the spelling test. The plaque had Blondie's wording, proclaiming YOUR THE BEST.
BLONDIE AND THE STREET REPAIR
The diggers left a deep and wide - but unprotected - hole. So Blondie, hating ugliness, fulfilled her civic role.
She hoped to please her driver friends, who liked to see things neat. She bought a tarp and fully hid that portion of the street.
BLONDIE AND THE SUN LANDING
Blondie wrote the president: "Have something great be done! Show our might and expertise and land men on the sun."
"Never!" was the strong response. "They'd die from heat and light." "Not a problem," Blondie said, "they'd land there in the night."
BLONDIE AND THE TIGER
She liked the jaunty tiger on a box that caught her eye. A jigsaw fan, she bought it and could hardly wait to try.
She emptied out the carton but was stymied how to play. She angrily and quickly threw the Frosted Flakes away.
BLONDIE AND THE TITHE
She gives a tithe and finds it good, a tenth for God's work here. She plans to double that amount: a twentieth next year.
BLONDIE AND THE TRAVEL AGENT
She claims the travel agent flirts; he argues that's not true. He says he's touting scenic sites, and one's called "Isle of View."
BLONDIE AND THE VOCABULARY QUIZ
The teacher asked, "What's paradox? Define it, Blondie, please." "That's easy," was the fast reply. "It's man and wife MD's".
BLONDIE AND THE WATCH
When I come late to work each day, my boss, who's very Scotch, keeps asking me what time it is. He needs to buy a watch!"
BLONDIE AND THE WINDOW BILL
The double-paned windows had long been installed, but Blondie had not paid a dime. She felt it unfair for the firm to send bills and quoted its language each time.
"Your ads are explicit; I don't owe a cent. The proof, if you need it, is here. You promise the windows will help me to save: THEY PAY FOR THEMSELVES IN A YEAR!"
BLONDIE AND THE WINDSHIELD-WIPER
Poor Blondie's in the history books: "The windshield wiper-queen." She knew it was important that the windshield be kept clean.
The new device was later made more practical by far when someone changed the mounting to the outside of the car.
BLONDIE AT THE CHURCH BAZAAR
She focused on a full-length gown and found it quite enticing. She waited till the half-time mark, announcing lowered pricing.
And then she bargained long and hard, enjoying such occasions. She asked at last if now the price included alterations.
BLONDIE AT THE CONCERT
She left the concert very sad, not knowing of her blunder. She'd tried all night to catch the eye of guest-star Stevie Wonder.
BLONDIE AT THE GARAGE
When going for checkups, I'm on the alert. The charges mount up; it's a crime. But now I play "expert" and hold down the bill for turn-signal fluid each time.
BLONDIE AT THE LIBRARY
"This book was boring," Blondie said, "the worst I've read by far." "Please put it back," the clerk replied, "where all the phone books are."
BLONDIE AT THE MALL
She drove to the mall on a hot summer day with Rover along for the ride. She rolled down the window on leaving the car to aid circulation inside.
She yelled very loudly, "Stay there and don't move," and walked on her way to the shop. "It's much more effective," a bystander said, "to put it in PARK when you stop."
BLONDIE AT THE POST OFFICE
The clerk asked Blondie, wanting stamps: "So which denomination?" But Blondie'd never heard those words in such a situation.
She took advantage of the change and found it really nifty. She gladly stated her request: "Episcopalian, fifty."
BLONDIE GOES HORSEBACK
She'd never ridden in her life but found the thought appealing. Her dream came true the special day she acted on her feeling.
She saw a horse that seemed to be awaiting its next rider. She mounted, keeping well in check the butterflies inside her.
The horse began a steady trot that led to her undoing. She slipped around and lost her grip, which signaled trouble brewing.
She yelled and soon a Wal-Mart man arrived at that disaster: "If you're around this horse again, I'll pull the plug much faster."
BLONDIE GOES ICE-FISHING
When Blondie decided to fish through the ice, she bought both a footstool and pole. She took all her gear and established herself and started to work on a hole.
In resolute tones came a voice from above, "No fish are here under the ice!" She moved many yards in response to the man and heard the same message now twice.
She changed once again, for the guidance was clear; she asked if the voice was the Lord. "That isn't the case, and you'd better get out. I manage the rink here," he roared.
BLONDIE IN THE COMPUTER CHAT ROOM
She chatted with friends by computer one day, when smoke from a short caught her eye. It rose in great billows behind her machine. She didn't, however, know why.
She sent an alert to her friends in the chat to warn them of forthcoming doom: "Get out," she implored, "while the going is good; I think there's a fire in your room!"
BLONDIE IN THE HIMALAYAS
Blondie's Himalayan trip, which many want to do, failed, she said, to satisfy: "The mountains spoiled the view."
BLONDIE IN THE PARKING LOT
She fumed because the doors were locked; the key was still inside. Her being stranded in the lot again had stung her pride.
She swore she'd not forget the things she'd failed that day to do. In future, she'd remove the key and close the windows, too.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from A Blondie Readerby James R. Wachob Copyright © 2009 by James R. Wachob. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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