CHAPTER 1
Sweet Anticipation
Sweet Anticipation is dipping the stick, holding your breath, and lookingclosely again before showing your husband. It's lying still for the ultrasound,searching for the nebulous profile of your baby and asking, "Is everythingokay?" It's a sigh of relief when you're told that it is.
It's the excitement of announcing the news and seeing the look on your mother'sface when you tell her she's going to be a grandmother. It's the prospect ofgiving life that came from your love. It's imagining who this little personinside you will be. Will she look like you? Will he have his dad's eyes? What isher soul's purpose?
Sweet Anticipation is touching your belly, enchanted with tiny hiccups andkicking. It's suffering with nausea, heartburn, and gas. It's wasting daysreading lists of names, double-checking and making sure none are forgotten. It'spicking out colors for the nursery, buying a crib and a rocking chair. It'sswooning as you fold each terry sleeper. It's crying over sappy TV commercialsand counting the days.
Count Your Blessings
Annie and Rick were married in an English-looking chapel in the countryside notfar from Seattle. Just prior to the ceremony, the minister asked if they wouldlike a blessing for children included. Annie nodded yes and gave her soon-to-behusband a questioning look. Rick sheepishly nodded affirmatively and the shortblessing was added: "And, when it is God's will for the procreation of childrenand their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord, bestow on them, if itis your will, the gift and heritage of children, and the grace to bring them upto know you, to love you, and to serve you."
Two weeks later, Annie had a spurt of energy. "I got up at the crack of dawn,picked buckets of blackberries, went home, made jam, then slept for seventeenhours. Three weeks after the wedding, I took an early pregnancy test and sureenough, just as I suspected, I was pregnant."
Marriage, pregnancy, and childbirth are indeed blessings with profoundobligations. If you've ever held a cooing baby in your arms, you know theblessing of an innocent, smiling baby. But not everyone knows the blessings ofpregnancy and childbirth. Those special blessings are known only to women,particularly women in the last half of this century, as birth control becameavailable. Unlike women in generations before us or women in third worldcountries, we can, with comparative ease, plan how many children we want andregulate the timing of them. We're fortunate to be able to make choices abouthaving children based on personal preference; our grandmothers and great-grandmothers,who often had six to ten pregnancies, were at the mercy of theirfertility. You, on the other hand, have a wide array of choices and the goodfortune to have an abundance of information at your fingertips and modernmedicine to assist in ways you choose. Those are just the beginning of theadvantages you can partake of.
Having a baby at the end of the nine-month journey is miraculous of course, butsprinkled along the way is ample good fortune, and, if you are willing to lookpast the side effects, you'll surely find the windfall. You're participating inthe grandest of missions—in partnership with the Almighty, you are creatinglife. You are part of the divine process for the continuation of life. When youthink of your pregnancy in this way, you realize what a precious gift has beenbestowed upon you.
Pregnancy is a wonderland of mystery. From the fertilization of an egg with asperm comes the genetic makeup to form a one-of-a-kind human being. Sex and eyecolor are determined from the start, and, before you ever feel anything, yourbody is making all kinds of precise adjustments to house the tiny cargo. Byeight weeks the embryo has fingers and toes, hair and ears.
Pregnancy moves you from one stage of your life to another—from being a wife andcareer woman to also being someone's mother. It gives your life new purpose,adds richness and texture to it. So much is happening so quickly, from hearingthe swish of a heartbeat, getting a black and white glimpse on the ultrasound,to being kicked in the ribs; there's never a dull moment.
Despite all its aches and pains, pregnancy brings evidence of the Divine'sfunctioning in our human existence. If you pay close attention to what is goingon within you, you won't be bored when you're expecting. Start by noticing yourthoughts and feelings—perhaps keep a journal in which you record the changes inyour body and what emotions those changes stir within you. As you open to yourthoughts and feelings, you will gain a deeper understanding of yourself—that initself is a blessing. And as you make the inquires into your own emotions,thoughts, hopes, dreams, and fears, you garner the strength and skill to musterthe effort that pregnancy and childbirth require of you.
Celebrate the Good News
After two years of fertility treatments, Margo and Sam had given up on having ababy, so when Margo learned she was expecting, she was stunned. She left thedoctor's office, walked across the street to a pay phone, and called herhusband. "Don't ask questions, just meet me as soon as you can at the sandwichshop," she said. "I'll be waiting for you." Hanging up, she immediately headedfor a toy store, bought the biggest teddy bear she could find, tied blue andpink ribbons around it, plopped it in the chair across from her, and waited forher husband. Passersby gave her knowing glances, but she didn't mind; her heartwas singing lullabies.
Sam couldn't break away from work for over an hour; he couldn't concentrate andwondered what his wife was up to. The first thing he spotted when he finallywalked into the restaurant was the teddy bear, and, as he joined Margo at hertable, he was careful not to let her see how annoyed and embarrassed he felt."What's up?"
"I've started a teddy bear collection," she replied.
"Is that what you called me down here for?"
"I wanted to know if you'd help me pick one out each month until our baby getshere."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm buying teddy bears for our baby!"
When he caught his breath, he took her hand, exclaiming, "Let's get out ofhere." They sat in their car hugging, laughing, and crying, while Sam keptasking, "Are you sure?" When Margo convinced him that it was true, he took herback to the toy store and he bought the second teddy bear—then they went to herparents to announce the news.
Be sure to celebrate your pregnancy. By celebrating, you're recognizing a majorlife experience, and you're affirming the joy that accompanies the news. Whetheryou decide to announce your pregnancy over a festive dinner with relatives orchoose first to celebrate quietly with your husband, place your emphasis on whatit means to you to be part of a family. At the end of nine months, you'll have anew little family member, so this is an appropriate time to talk about whatfamily means to you. When you celebrate with your husband, friends, and family,you're not only sharing your happiness, you're including them in the process.You're inviting them to give you support and courage as you begin to readyyourself to give birth and to parent this child. As a mother to be, you need anabundant supply of support and nurturing from others so that you will be filledwith love and able to pour that love into your baby. Offer a simple prayer ofaffirmation: I am thankful for life growing inside my body, for my husband, myfamily, and my friends.
Every couple needs to celebrate in their own way. Don't feel you have toimmediately tell the whole world, if that doesn't feel right. Toni and Bradwaited twelve years to have a baby and were cautious about celebrating too soon.It wasn't until the ultrasound at sixteen weeks assured them of a healthy boythat Toni could relax and live it up with a gourmet lunch including Grandma-tobePatricia.
Commemorate your pregnancy any way you wish. Shout it from the treetops, callyour friends, send letters, hang a banner from your door. Alec and Crystalplanned their pregnancy, but, when the doctor confirmed it was twins, theywalked around in a daze until they'd adjusted—then they called everyone theyknew. Crystal said, "I couldn't stop smiling," Alec said, "I was so proud, Iwanted everyone to know."
This is your special happening, and whether this is your first, second, orfourth baby, it's natural to share the excitement. Declare the good news, savorevery moment, and you'll feel positively alive.
Vow to Treat Yourself Gently
Whether you're a few weeks' pregnant or in your ninth month, make a promise totreat yourself kindly, compassionately, and with tender, loving care. Wheneveryou feel less than glorious, give yourself a gentle word instead of beratingyourself. Stop comparing yourself to others or to the imaginary perfect mother-to-bein your head. Your pregnancy is unique, and, although you may have heardof a woman in her eighth month running a ten-kilometer race, or of someone inher seventh month who still looks cute in a swimming suit, remind yourself thatthe continuum of experiences is vast. Some of your experiences will be similarto your friends', others very different. Comparing your pregnancy and yourfeelings to other women's will only lead to discouragement. Remind yourself thatyour unique experience is exactly right for you to grow into a loving mother. Asyou're gentle with yourself, your baby will absorb your kindhearted ways.
What does it mean to treat yourself gently as a mother-to-be? It meansrecognizing that from the moment of conception your body is in a state of flux.It is going through tremendous physical changes, and you're likely to feel outof balance as you adjust. In the first weeks of your pregnancy, your body ispreparing to function as an incredible life support system for your baby, and,in the final weeks, your body shifts again as it prepares for birth. There arethe noticeable changes everyone can see as your tummy protrudes and you wearmaternity clothing. Then there are the subtle fluctuations no one except younotices—your skin's itching and flaking, your underlying fears of labor pains,and your doubts about your ability to handle all the challenges. Treatingyourself gently means that you take it easy on yourself, and, even if you don'tknow exactly what that means, you agree to experiment until you find what givesyou comfort.
If you need to go to sleep every night at seven o'clock, go ahead. Try not tolay a guilt trip on yourself because you're feeling anxious or moody. Pregnancybrings with it out-of-control feelings; you're bound to feel afraid orapprehensive. Fear is normal, so be gentle with your fears by going slowly andnot blaming yourself for feeling anxious. Be merciful to yourself. The needs ofyour unborn child are intimately connected to your taking good care of yourselfphysically, emotionally, and spiritually. Harshness and self-criticism have noplace in your pregnancy, and as you learn to show tenderness toward yourselfyou'll be able to show compassion for the confusion and fear your partner orother children may be experiencing. Caring for the people you love—includingyour unborn child—begins by kindly caring for yourself.
My child looked at me and I looked back at him in the delivery room, and Irealized that out of a sea of infinite possibilities it had come down to this: aspecific person, born on the hottest day of the year, conceived on a ChristmasEve, made by his father and me miraculously from scratch.
—Anna Quindlen
Put Yourself Front and Center
Annie took an early pregnancy test, but she didn't tell Rick that blue meantyes. She kept it to herself and mulled it over privately, "I'm sorry for thisearly deception, but this pregnancy had to be mine for awhile," she said laterto Rick. "I needed time to sort things out and absorb how being pregnant wouldaffect my life. I wanted to handle the business details of my life, how mypregnancy would affect my schooling, my end of our finances. I wanted to thinkabout it alone first." Annie was taking care of herself first, which is animportant consideration for every pregnant woman.
Putting yourself front and center means treating yourself with consideration andtaking into account your special needs first and foremost. What do you, themother-to-be, need in order to be content and at ease? Right now that is whatmatters most. Bette, for example, got heartburn whenever she ate a full meal,and, even though dinner was a special time for her and her husband, she feltbetter when she ate frequent protein snacks throughout the day. She explained toAdam that although she wouldn't be eating big dinners she didn't expect him tochange his routine for her. He said, "I'm glad you're taking care of yourself,because, when you do, you're taking good care of our baby."
You might be like Abbey, whose morning sickness lasted all day, or Sally, whosays, "My morning sickness comes around two-thirty, so I keep a large supply ofrice cakes and saltines in my desk at work, because, when I feel dizzy, I needcrackers right away." Think of all the ways you can make yourself morecomfortable. At work, Jessica put a stool under her desk so she could put herfeet up, and at lunchtime she took a snooze on a blanket in a nearby park.Remember that pregnancy can be disorienting. Moms-to-be say as their bodychanges, the center of gravity shifts and they're clumsy, "I bump into things,break dishes, and spill on myself every time I eat." Pregnant life is topsy-turvy.Things that were once appealing often take a back burner. By her thirdmonth, Colleen, an artist known for her abstract nudes, couldn't pick up a brushwithout painting a baby. Maggie, a computer analyst, surprised herself when allshe wanted to do was shop for yarn and knit baby sweaters.
Pregnancy is all consuming. Your thoughts and energy are on babies, families,and the changes in your body, so don't expect yourself to concentrate on thenewspaper, the stock market, or politics. World events are boring in comparisonto bringing in new life. That's okay. Don't deny yourself the perks of beingpregnant. Your hormones are out of whack, so you're entitled to change yourmind. Just because you signed up for the mommy's exercise class doesn't mean youhave to show up everyday. You can play hooky without guilt. The other moms willenvy you, wonder where you got so much courage.
Putting yourself front and center means listening to what your body and soulneed and want. If you don't feel like jumping out of bed with morning sicknessto do a load of laundry before going to you work, indulge yourself. You don'thave to do it all. You will survive, even if the beds don't get made or thehouse doesn't look immaculate.
