CHAPTER 1
SPRING
This is the season when all plants and animals look their best. Flowering trees bloom in the Lowveld and that attracts the birds and the bees ...
Spring is the season of love and that was in the air when I winked at a waitress who I ordered a take-away from. I could sense from the sparkle in her eye that she was interested, so while waiting for the Chinese food to be ready, I went to Pick and Pay and bought some roses. When I collected the take-away, I handed her a rose and my business card along with payment including a generous tip. That was as romantic as the setting would allow.
It worked! She called me. Soon after, we met after hours for the first time.
Ukuthwala
This practice is controversial. To some, it is abduction - a violation of human rights. To others, it is customary, a sort of an African variation of Romeo and Juliet. A man and a woman fall in love but the family and community of the bride disapprove. So the boyfriend abducts the lady and deflowers her. Then a few days later some of his relatives rock up at her family's kraal to negotiate a marriage, after it is fait accompli.
But it does not always start with love. Sometimes it can be more of an arranged marriage, for at times the bride's parents have set her up, ahead of time. This comes right to the edge of exploitation, even though young girls have been brought up to look forward to the day that they will be able to fulfil their role in a man's home - the traditional worldview.
It has also been a way for older men, sometimes widowers, to marry younger women. Even to remove orphans from institutions. Whatever the variation, the practice is seen by some as anachronistic and out of sync with gender rights.
To the extent that it has been known to force girls who are under-aged to marry. Tshwaranang Legal Advocacy Centre, the Rural Women's Movement and the Commission on Gender Equality met with Mandla Mandela, an ANC MP better known as the grandson of Nelson, to clarify his position on ukuthwala. He is chief of the Mvezo traditional council. He told Parliament's portfolio committee on rural development and land reform in July 2010 that, "for a girl to be taken as a wife through ukuthwala — the process has nothing to do with age. When you are going to discuss culture do not even try to bring in white notions, as such an approach will turn things upside down. Firstly, culture has no age. Age is something we learn today because of our Westernisation."
I found myself attracted to a younger woman. Was it spring fever? Age disparate relationships are not uncommon in Africa. Yes they can be transactional but they don't have to be. They can be genuine and soul-nourishing.
The Mail & Guardian quotes Ugandan scholar Mahmood Mamdani, who ...
"describes in his acclaimed book Citizen and Subject: Contemporary Africa and the Legacy of Late Colonialism how what came to be understood as "custom" was in fact a concentration of the authoritarian elements of pre-colonial societies.
Lest one thinks that the tag 'customary' was a shorthand of letting things be as they always had been — we need to bear in mind that there was nothing voluntary about custom in the colonial period — colonial custom was enforced with a whip" in a system that Mamdani dubs "decentralised despotism.
The revival of practices such as ukuthwala, virginity testing and male circumcision should be read against the attempts to circumscribe rural women's rights."
In general, customary practices have not always been democratic. Or if they once were, could there have been some authoritarian-creep during the colonial period?
Inhlawulo
In our first meeting, at my cottage, we sat and talked. It was open and frank. To sum it up, she was looking for a more secure future and I was looking for companionship. Her problem was poverty, mine was loneliness. There were prospects of a good fit.
I mentioned that my previous relationships always seemed to falter when I brought up the subject of Lobola. I joked that Obama says that whenever African women mention the term "pregnant", African men tend to make themselves scarce. Whereas I had found that whenever I raised the subject of "Lobola", African women made a hasty exit!
She asked if I knew about Inhlawulo? Yes, I had heard that if a man gets a woman pregnant out of wedlock, he has to pay this as a kind of fine to her family She said that was when it is used as a penalty – but it can also be used as a prophylaxis. It doesn't have to be a pound of cure, it can be an ounce of prevention. She explained how to do this ... and I complied.
I invited her family to my cottage for a braai. It was on a Sunday in spring. I met her mother, who is really her aunt as both her parents, she told me, had perished in a road accident. I met her brother and sister, who have toughed it out as orphans with their older sister my new girlfriend under the care of their aunt. A child came too, who turned out to be her brother's son who visited him on Sundays. We followed the prescribed customs eating meat, offering the gift of a bottle of whiskey and some cash. I presented a letter addressed to her family with the cash, stating that my intentions were honorable.
In the days before the automobile, even in my Western culture, a man had to approach a woman by speaking to her father. In that custom, the father would ask the suitor, "What are your intentions?" The prescribed answer was, "Strictly honourable, sir". This was in the back of my mind as I assured her family that when she was not at home, she would be with me. She would be safe and secure, and I wanted the time and space to get to know her. But not on their front porch!
FAMILY PORTRAIT
Late Spring
In the early spring, birds are still flocking together after their long trip south from North Africa or even Europe. Then they pair up. Only in the late spring do they get to nest building.
We got to know one another slowly, because we both had full time jobs and ostensibly her family was strict about her hours. She was not allowed to stay overnight. But there were gaps after work, before dark, when she could come over to play. Or we could go shopping. Or out for an early supper at Spur.
After some months we became lovers too, as spring would have it.
Lover's Chess is not unheard-of in South Africa. According to Wikipedia:
"On 10 December 1856 Tiyo Soga became the first black South African to be ordained - in the United Presbyterian Church. Two months after his ordination Soga married Janet Burnside a Scotswomen who was "a most honourable, thrifty, frugal, and devoted woman who marched heroically and faithfully by her husband's side through all the chequered scenes of his short life". Throughout his life Soga faced racism as a "Kaffir" and was treated as a second-class citizen by many whites in Africa. Soga also faced opposition from black Africans some of whom thought of him as trying to become a "black Englishmen".
It would be almost a century before mixed-race marriages would be banned under Grand Apartheid, until the past two decades. But it is still quite rare. I am only beginning to understand why.
For me the inter-racial element of the relationship was not as difficult as the cross-cultural element. For although I was born and raised in Africa, this was because my parents were medical missionaries here - from Canada. So we really come from different cultural origins, and I find it hard to relate deeply to some township realities. Like rampant alcohol abuse, for example. Not because I don't drink, I do. But I don't drink and drive, which in Canada has become anathema socially-speaking. Whereas in South Africa it still seems to be tolerated permissively. Perhaps because of the undemocratic dislike of "informers"? But in a democracy, whistle-blowing is a virtue. Our cultures have clashed more than our colours.
Then there is the age-disparate element. This is more acceptable in Africa than to Canadians who wonder why I would want to become a "white African" and marry a young wife. I can empathize with Tiyo Soga being hated for trying to become a black Englishman, and with Romeo for daring to love Juliet. I can write a romance about Lover's Chess; a tragedy about cultures clashing; and a comedy about a gold-digger and a silver fox.
Esther and Artaxerses
There are only two books in the Bible named after women, out of sixty-six. The story of Esther is one of them. It is the only book in the Bible that never mentions God by name.
Her future husband was rich and powerful. He was lonely, after an acrimonious divorce. So he organized a beauty pageant, which Esther won. They married. It was inter-racial, although they came from the same nation. It was age-disparate. The story tells how she was able to save her community through this liaison, which bloomed into a genuine friendship.
I pursued my new girlfriend in this same spirit. I admired her spunk and courage. I contributed to improvements at her family's house where she stayed with her siblings. I did not want her to have to leave them behind in conditions so different from mine. She could not live in the comforts of my home knowing that they were still living in unacceptable conditions. I do not have a Messiah complex, but I knew that she, her family and her community would expect to see tangible improvements to make any lasting sense out of our relationship.
CHAPTER 2
SUMMER
In my culture, a girlfriend changes to a fiancée when you give her a diamond ring. For me, that marked the beginning of summer. We got engaged to be married. This sent a message to my family in Canada more than to hers.
To say that I enjoyed her visits and her company is an understatement. I lived for them. Her presence helped to lift my eyes to the horizon, to see Why I was doing all that I was doing.
I loved to take her shopping at the mall. Within my means, I tried to add value to her life – without spoiling her or impoverishing myself.
She loves to eat prawns so we would sometimes eat, drink and be merry.
Occasionally she would come to my home and treat me to some intimacy. A fiancée is much sweeter than a girlfriend because of the implied permanence. You are not just playing, you are truly "making love".
HORSING AROUND
As time passed, it made less and less sense to me that she would not stay overnight. Why would family be so strict? Was her role in the household so indispensable? Especially when I was alone on week-ends, I wondered about this. Or were they hiding something? It seemed like a curtain of silence came down on week-ends.
The Grand Seduction
There is a feature film made in Canada in 2014, by this name. It is the story of a village or "harbor" in Newfoundland, caught in soul-numbing high unemployment. The elders are trying to land a deal with an oil company to build a factory there, to create jobs. But one of the requirements is that the village must have a doctor. It's like a full-length sit-com about all the seduction (read: deception) that goes on to convince a young doctor to set up a practice there.
At times it has felt like this to me. Customary marriage is a family-to-family scenario, not person-to-person as in Civil unions. This African family found a lonely foreigner who was relatively well off. His family was far away, in Canada. So at times I felt hopelessly outnumbered and that their expectations (ambitions?) were beyond my means. Was the hunter being hunted?
One example is a request to pay ransom for an education certificate. She said she had done the training but had been unable to pay the vocational college, so she had never received her certificate. It would be useful to her in finding a better-paying job. So I paid for it, and also for some clothes for the graduation ceremony. But I was not invited, and have never been showed the certificate, or the outfit.
Another example is a request I got to contribute to a tombstone for her late parents. Requests like this do not come in the form of a direct requisition, but through African "indirection". She had a dream, she told me one morning. Her parents spoke to her, saying that they were wet. Indeed there had been some hard summer rains that week, but I soon caught the drift. I offered to contribute, as long as other family members were also chipping in. As I put it, her late parents left brothers and sisters too, and even parents who were still alive. Not just children. But I made a generous contribution, to show my respect for her late parents, and to bless them for bringing such a lovely lady into the world, and into my life.
PAYING LAST RESPECTS
I expected to see a photo or maybe to hear from another family member about it? But there was only silence. When I asked, she told me that in the deep rural cemetery where they are buried, they didn't allow photos to be taken of tombstones. I cross-checked this with a colleague from the same area and he confirmed that this is true in some places. But this put me on my guard.
At the end of The Grand Seduction, the young doctor actually stays, and the village gets the factory - ending the cycle of poverty. But this all comes to pass because of a lot of deceit and contrivance. They live happily employed and prosperous ever after. Personally I am uncomfortable with the values implied by this comedy.
The Ukuvuma ceremony
This traditional acceptance of the groom event is hosted by the bride's family. It was the first time that I met her uncles face-to-face. But they only met me socially – after concluding a session in the local language of Shangan with my Lobola negotiator. At this "talk about talks", a long list of the umembeso was itemized. I would have to procure these items before the day appointed for paying Lobola. My negotiator was also asked for a letter, asking permission to meet the bride's family to drink some water from their bucket.
Two of my concerns were raised on my behalf at this first formal meeting of the two families. One was my fiancee's thirst for alcohol which seemed to surprise and concern some of her uncles as well. The second was the need for an antenuptual agreement, because of the age (and thus wealth) disparity. Here is what the Recognition of Customary Marriages Act says (section 7.2):
"A customary marriage entered into after the commencement of this Act in which a spouse is not a partner in any other existing customary marriage, is a marriage in community of property and of profit and loss between spouses, unless such consequences are specifically excluded by the spouses in an antenuptual contract which regulates the matrimonial property system of their marriage."
I had already raised this with her, and so had my Lobola negotiator, in private talks that he had held with her. So he raised it at the "talk about talks" as well.
The Ante-Nup
In and of itself, this is a short document with three main points. First that there is no community of property or of profit and loss. Second, that existing wealth of each party is excluded from any future settlement arising from death or divorce. Third, you have to choose whether you will live together with or without accrual. We chose with, meaning that from the day we marry, future estate calculations will be based on a 50/50 split – excluding what each of us brought in. It is quite natural and proper that this would be adopted in an age-disparate relationship.
It still gives a huge surge in terms of security and possibilities to the younger party, the bride. But it also protects the groom's life-savings. She is not the immediate owner of half of my estate, but Opportunity knocks louder than ever before. Because my resources come into play for joint wealth increase.
What I didn't realize is that an Ante-Nup must be registered at the Deeds Office – like a Deed of Sale or a Bond. This in turn meant a much longer wait that what we had planned in terms of the date set for paying the Lobola. The knock-on effect was a postponement of the Lobola negotiations. And this was not well received by her family. Perhaps they thought I was backing off? Not at all. I just wanted to get the marriage started on the right footing.
