It seemed an unlikely match-a minister and a bartender. But Rev. Norman Helm and Gretchen fell in love and became man and wife in 1981. They lived a happy life together until the day Norm was hit by a car while crossing the street in Westborough, Massachusetts, on December 1, 1989. He suffered a traumatic brain injury that also left him virtually deaf. In this memoir, Gretchen tells the honest and personal story of how they have dealt with Norm's traumatic brain injury, the loss of his profession as a senior pastor, his profound deafness, and his recent diagnosis of dementia. From the sad to the lighthearted, she shares anecdotes from their life together-how they have coped with the many challenges placed in their path and how their experiences have made them stronger. A testimony of hope for a bright future, The Birds Will Sing Again demonstrates how sharing painful experiences can help ease the burden of living with disabilities and shows the power of celebrating the joys of each day.

The Birds Will Sing Again

Facing Life's Challenges TogetherBy Gretchen Helm

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Dr. Gretchen Helm
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-3056-9

Contents

Introduction.....................................................xi1 The Accident...................................................12 We Honor Our Heroes............................................93 Loss...........................................................154 Home, Not So Sweet Home........................................215 The Roller Coaster Called Dementia.............................296 Changes........................................................337 Giving Care....................................................418 Conversations with Myself......................................479 Hello, Again...................................................5110 Learning to Adjust............................................5511 Can You Hear Me Now?..........................................5912 Acceptance....................................................6513 Impatience, Anger, Frustration, and Guilt.....................6914 Hope..........................................................7115 Our Waterfall.................................................7516 Give Me a Break...............................................7917 The Decision..................................................8118 Norm's Ministry: The Final Chapter............................8719 A New Day for Us Both.........................................9120 The Gift......................................................97Bibliography.....................................................105About the Author.................................................107

Chapter One

The Accident

December 1, 1989. I sat in our sunroom, waiting for Norm to join me for breakfast. He was upstairs ironing his jeans, and when I asked him why, he replied, "Well, if the maid won't do it, I guess I have to." Finally he joined me, looking very dapper. Of course, he looked good; he had on a pair of jeans ironed with a perfect crease. He would have made a great cop. Cops always look so ... ironed. We had a leisurely breakfast and decided to spend some time together before we started our day. The sun was streaming into the sunroom on a very cold but beautiful December day. It was Norm's day off, but he had agreed to do a funeral that afternoon. First, he had to go to the church office to prepare, and I had to do some errands for the annual fair that would take place the next day. My car was at the mechanic, so Norm offered to let me use his. It was a short walk from our house to his office, so I took Norm up on his offer. Norm left to get a haircut and then go to his office.

When I was done shopping, I headed home, hoping to meet Norm for lunch. I saw that the traffic was being diverted, and there was a fire truck washing something down in the street, so I took another route home. When I arrived home, I saw a cloud of dust coming from the rear of our house, which was behind the parking lot of the high school. It was peculiar because it wasn't even a slightly windy day. I walked into the house and called for Norm. There was no answer. Thinking that he might still be at the church, I called the church office. Mrs. Ridley answered, and when I asked if Norm was there, she said, "Now, don't get worried." I knew then that something had happened to my husband. She explained that while crossing the street, Norm had been hit by a car. Fortunately, the medevac helicopter was nearby; the EMTs landed in the school parking lot to transport Norm to UMass Memorial Medical Center trauma unit. That explained the dust I'd seen. It was the helicopter taking off.

I heard later that a young woman with very little driving experience had been driving down Main Street and wasn't aware that she needed to yield to anyone in a crosswalk. Another version was that a delivery truck had stopped, and the truck driver motioned Norm to keep crossing the street. The driver of the car didn't see Norm because the truck blocked her vision. Even now I don't know the real story, and it doesn't matter. It was an accident, pure and simple.

Norm's associate, Lark, came to the house and drove me to the hospital. All the while I could see the helicopter flying above us. I grabbed Lark's hand and didn't move a muscle. I was frozen in place, gripped by fear. Numerous thoughts went through my head. I knew that Norm might not survive the trip to the hospital. I thought about how hard I worked to convince myself that I could make it alone in the world. During my first marriage, I had been totally dependent, without resources. I vowed that would never happen again. Somehow that gave me some comfort knowing that very soon I might learn that I'd have to make it alone.

As soon as we arrived at the hospital, I ran to the desk and asked if Norm was still alive. It seemed like an eternity before the woman at the desk assured me that he was, and that doctors were working on him at that very minute. Word of the accident spread like wildfire, and people started arriving at the hospital. There were so many of us in the hallway, we were herded into a room. An older man in the crowd was a clergyman who knew Norm. When we were all gathered, he bowed his head and said, "He was a wonderful man." I said, "He's still alive." Again, he said, "He was a wonderful man." I gave up and let him assure everyone that Norm "was" a wonderful man. Worse things could be said. Shortly thereafter, an attendant walked into the room carrying a plastic bag with all of Norm's belongings. The perfectly ironed jeans had survived the accident looking almost as good as they had that morning. Also in the bag were boxer shorts that said, "The World's Most Wonderful Dad." I think he knew he would be in an accident. He was dressed to the nines, had a new haircut, and let the hospital staff know that he was the world's most wonderful dad. Also in the bag was the watch I had given Norm in November when we'd celebrated Christmas early because life is short, and you never know from day to day what's going to happen.

Meanwhile, the women of the church, who were preparing for the fair the next day, heard about the accident. They were stunned, particularly when they learned from those who had witnessed the accident that it didn't look good. Some people were certain that Norm would never survive the trip to the hospital because he had been so severely injured. Needing to do something to ease their anxiety and to help Norm in whatever way they could, they called Rev. Bob Brown, a friend and a parishioner, and asked for his help. Bob immediately left work and went to the church. He knew, as did the group gathered there that day, that the one thing they could do for Norm was to pray. They went upstairs to the church sanctuary and joined with each other in the hope that their prayers would be answered and their pastor's life would be spared. People all over town prayed when they heard about the accident. Meanwhile, I was at the hospital, pretty much in a state of shock but so very grateful that no one had come to give us the worst possible news that Norm had not survived. As the minutes and hours ticked away, I became more confident that the outcome would be the one we were praying for.

All this time, people came to the church in a steady stream to wait, hope, and pray. It seemed as if the entire town was holding its breath, desperately hoping that this man, who meant so much to so many, would live and return to those who loved him and to the church he'd served for eighteen years. It had been a long day, and that evening Bob Brown—emotionally weary but wanting to do more to implore "the powers that be" to help his pastor and friend—mounted the steps of the belfry and began to ring the bells. The sound of the bells filled the night air and at that moment united all those who could hear them in love and unity. Bob rang and rang those bells until, exhausted, he returned to the sanctuary to lead the people in one final prayer. They returned to their homes knowing that Norm was still with them, that he had managed to survive the day.

I remained at the hospital, waiting and praying. I was so relieved that Norm was alive that I didn't think about what his condition would be when he finally regained consciousness. I just wanted him to survive. People continued to come to the hospital. Kris left work and was at the hospital in a flash. When the doctors said I could go into the emergency room to see Norm, I froze. I didn't think I could see him broken and battered; it would be too much to bear. Kris said that she would see Norm. I was so grateful. I knew that she would tell him how much we loved him and wanted him to get better.

Eventually, Norm was transferred from the emergency room to a hospital room. He was still unconscious, and I was told that given the seriousness of his head injury, he might never regain consciousness. His doctors could only tell us that everything that could be done had been done. After some time had passed, about five to six days, Norm regained consciousness, but the doctors said there were no guarantees. With traumatic brain injury, all you can do is watch and wait. Norm's CAT scan showed that there had been a great deal of injury to his brain along with a number of fractures. Later we learned that Norm's ability to hear had been almost totally lost as a result of the accident. The doctors treating Norm said that it was vitally important that he enter a rehabilitation facility as soon as we found one of our choosing. Norm needed intensive therapy immediately so that he could begin the process of healing. I chose a rehabilitation hospital that was close to our home because I believed that an important component of Norm's healing would be to have the constant love and support of his family.

Needless to say, when a loved one has experienced a near-fatal accident and everyone's world is turned upside down, there are some very dark days. You endure them, try to make the best of them, and struggle to remain hopeful. Still, even in the midst of a tragic event, there are always times when you can laugh. For example, when Norm entered rehab, he had numerous therapists who worked with him daily to help him gain back as much as possible. They strived to help him understand what had happened, to help him improve his memory, and to do whatever was needed to help him recover. One of the first questions a therapist asked was, "Mr. Helm, do you know where you are?" Norm answered with great confidence, "Of course I do. I'm in North Vietnam." The therapist gently told Norm that he was not in North Vietnam. Norm looked startled and said, "I'm in South Vietnam?" When Norm was transported to the rehabilitation facility, one of the orderlies was Asian. That might explain why he thought he was in Vietnam.

Another time, Norm became convinced that he was Jewish and announced it to everyone, including Mr. Stein, who was also rehabilitating after suffering a stroke. He explained, "I was fishing one day when I was approached by an officer in a boat. He asked to see my license, which I gave him. He pocketed my license and gave me a new one and pronounced me Jewish." Mr. Stein looked at me and said, "He's very convincing, you know." Believe me, I knew. At Christmas, Reverend Brown agreed to conduct a service in the chapel of the rehab facility, which was filled with Norm's family and church members. When we walked in, Norm said in his loud voice, "I can't stay very long because I'm Jewish, you know."

Other memorable things happened during Norm's stay in rehab. One probably stands out the most. Now, some will think that I made this entire conversation up, but I assure you, I have witnesses. The doctors told us that we should continually ask Norm questions, such as, "Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am? Do you know what month this is?" and anything else that would help him improve his memory. One day Lori, Kris, and I were visiting Norm. Kris was determined to help her father get well as soon as possible, so she asked, "Norm, do you know who I am?" He answered quite confidently, "Of course, I do. You're the royal Duchess of Nottingham." Kris then pointed to Lori and asked, "Norm, do you know who that is?" Again, he answered with confidence. "Of course, that's the royal Princess of Tewksbury." Lastly, she pointed to me and said, "Norm, do you know who this is?" Without hesitation, he said, "Absolutely. She's the royal pain in the ass." He was lucky that he didn't receive another whack to the side of his head.

In March Norm was allowed to return home, and he began outpatient treatment. He was still dealing with the physical effects of the accident. He suffered from terrible vertigo. Once it was so bad that I called 911. The EMTs took him into the ambulance, destined for the hospital. At one point, we smelled a skunk that had obviously suffered a fate similar to Norm's. When one of the EMTs asked Norm if he was okay, he replied, "Well, I'm better off than that skunk."

After a few months of outpatient treatment, we tried to go on with our lives as best we could. Norm attempted to return to work, but his job was so demanding, it wasn't possible for him to continue as senior pastor of the church. We had no idea what we would do next and what our lives would be like. However, all the love and support we got from our friends and family carried us through this period of transition. We had endured the worst of it. Of course, there was a lot of uncertainty, but one thing we did know is that we had to rebuild our lives someway, somehow.

When an accident or an illness enters your life, it is often unexpected. At those times it's important to get as much support as you can. You need someone to hold on to so you don't fall into a black pit; someone in whom you can confide your fears and your pain. The ideal person is someone who will listen without being judgmental; someone who won't give you false hope and will be honest with you about the reality of the situation. In addition, you have to look for those bright spots, the small victories and the humorous things that happen because laughter cannot be completely gone from your life if you are to survive. I refused to give up the small, light moments because they helped me endure the oppressive, dark ones.

Chapter Two

We Honor Our Heroes

As the first anniversary of Norm's accident approached, church members and I talked about what we could do to mark the occasion. Everyone agreed that it should be my decision. Of course, we were all filled with such gratitude for Norm's recovery. Even though he wasn't able to resume his duties as senior pastor of the church, we were able to see some remarkable improvement. He was progressing slowly and showed signs of being "Norm before the accident."

It wasn't hard to determine what to do to commemorate the first anniversary of Norm's accident. So many people had helped us through the ordeal with their prayers, daily meals, and many other acts of kindness while Norm was in the hospital, and I was deeply grateful for their love and support. However, first and foremost in my mind were the EMTs and the helicopter pilot and nurse who were responsible for saving Norm's life. I thought about all the people in our town who had been helped by these very same people. I wanted to plan an event that would allow everyone to show their appreciation for them and for the work they do. There was no lack of enthusiasm or help in planning what came to be known as "The Celebration and Appreciation of Our Fire and Police Force." It seemed fitting that those people who responded when we were in need should be honored themselves.

Word about the event spread quickly, and people came forward to offer whatever was needed to make it a success. A local merchant donated two beautiful plaques, one depicting a fireman helping a small child, and the other, a policeman helping a youngster. After the ceremony, we would hand deliver these plaques to the fire and police stations and proudly watch them hang them on a wall where all could see how much they were appreciated. People donated baked goods and punch for the reception after the service. We bought balloons, which decorated the hall before they were given to the children of the honorees. We sent the families of the firefighters and the police officers personal invitations and ordered corsages for the wives. The local cable company offered to videotape the festivities for a future airdate. One church member who was a professional singer agreed to sing, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."

Finally the day arrived. Many people had worked hard to make this day possible, and you could sense the excitement and the anticipation as people arrived with the firemen, policemen, and their respective families. The firemen and the policemen gathered outside the sanctuary; one group on each side of the entrance. It was an impressive sight. Reverend Brown approached the podium and reminded all of those who were present that it was one year ago to the day that they had gathered together to pray for Norm. He said their prayers had been answered, and that Norm was continuing to recover and heal from his near-fatal injuries. Reverend Brown also expressed his gratitude to everyone who had gathered together to honor our heroes. The theme from Rocky came over the sound system, and our guests started down the aisle and took their seats to thunderous applause. Then a number of people came to the podium to tell how the EMTs and the police had helped them in their times of crisis. Their tributes were very heartfelt and moving. I spoke of about Norm's rescue and transport to the UMass Memorial Medical trauma unit in record time.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Birds Will Sing Againby Gretchen Helm Copyright © 2011 by Dr. Gretchen Helm. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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