Not Always Serious
The Inanities of a Pensive MindBy DENIS LILJEDAHLAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Denis Liljedahl
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4685-2892-3Chapter One
Snoring In the dark of night when we're fast asleep
There is a zone into which we creep
It sometimes strikes right away
Other times there is a delay
Once it starts it's hard to defuse
Deep rooted snoring you don't choose
The windows rattle with every breath
Bring on relief in the form of death
Listening to your partner's Z's
Racing back to sleep oh please
Before the snoring begins to creep
Denying me much needed sleep
So what's at fault who's to blame
Each of us snore there is no shame
It can bring out the worst in us
I've heard people snoring on the bus.
The High Price of Gas Alone in your car going to work, cars stand around like a
circle jerk
We're driving alone more and more, this isn't the time to ignore
Our big independence on foreign oil before it all comes to
a boil
When do we start to shift for ourselves, no longer being
subservient elves
To the towel-heads in charge of how we live and the
politicians that cave into them
We're caught in a world stuck on oil like a master spider
webs' toil
How long until we close the gate on the ones that hold
our fate?
Just down the road gas is ten bucks a gallon, you only
travel when you, your pal and
Some other people can afford to gas up, by then, what, a
dollar a cup?
That's the high price of gas!
Cliches Life goes on, shit happens, how are you today
Even Steven, a regular guy, much to my dismay
Your ship comes in, stay the course, you can't stop the rain
One thing leads to another, buckle down, no pain no gain
Life is filled with tired cliches, worn out like a shoe
The road of life is full of bumps, do I have a deal for you
Out to lunch, bring it to the table, make hay when the sun shines
If you get lemons make lemonade and read between the lines
When a pig in a poke leaves a sleeping dog lie
The ice in his veins will keep your hands off my pie
Six of one a half a dozen of the other, what a drag
Say it don't spray it and don't sell me a cat in a bag
Have a nice day one at a time, freedom isn't free
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me
A large part of any language is built upon the cliche
So drop your cocks and grab your socks and to all a touche.
Traveling Of all the places you'd like to visit, if you won the lottery
Would it be anywhere in Africa? that's not for me
Maybe a trip to England but as a vegetarian
Unless the meat they serve was once equestrian
Another place to avoid might be Jerusalem
Around the Gaza Strip is dynamite strapped to a hoodlum
On a lighter note Amsterdam is a good place to go
Hash bars and hookers, smoke one and sex the `ho'
Canada is too much like us, Mexico only out of pity
Maybe stay in the USA, unless you like the gritty
Dust Above the Earth so high, beyond the stratosphere
Spatial dust is falling, it's been and will be here
Dust that falls on earth today then on your mantle shelf
Is over 10,000 years old and yet you must wipe it yourself
Fellow Man As you walk this world tonight take with you all its delight
Many things can bring splendor some of those you will surrender
Others though will retain consider it a modest gain
When we help our fellow man we become part of the plan
Be in good spirits and don't deny this world is of you and I
Be calm as you walk around this life try not to balk as it
causes strife
Paint your life as you would your house—make it complete
Up North Flooding Oh, ya sure, you betcha my cow's in a tree
The flood ya know is bad it even made t.v.
I'm sitting on the roof, my boat ya know she sunk
The corner bar is gone, I can't even get drunk
The sandbags that we piled up, oh ya dey quit holdin'
Main street has long disappeared but my hand I'm not foldin'
Oh ya know it's gonna get better but not this accent
It sounds so Scandahoovian, what's worse is the scent
That would be lutefisk with whole boiled potatoes
Oh you bet I'd eat it up here even some stewed tomatoes
Oh ya, just get me offa dis roof,oofdah!
Standing in the drizzle watching it fizzle
You ain't got a schnizzle better get a chisel
Say what? Say what? I said (repeat)
Flamboyant People A lucid effervescent person up on stage putting on a show
Showing us something never seen, lunatic circus and
sparks out the blow
Gigantic props with basketball hoops, three dimensional
screens they play on
Being as flamboyant as they can now living a fantasy, to be
a Klingon
Dressed in flashy clothes and make up they prance around
on stage
They walk right down the aisle and you want to act their age
Elvis learned about it, Elton, Liberace, Bach and the
Beatles knew
What it took to please a crowd, good music and a show for you
Flamboyant people are fun to watch, they can help out a
drab life
If not for flamboyant people, there'd be less to say to your wife
A Few Helpful Tips Never pet a burning dog.... Do not except a drink from
a urologist....
Don't stand in front of a falling tree.... Try not to
preach....
Keep turning blades away from your face.... Chew corn
thoroughly....
When all else fails read the manual.... Maintain your
dignity when possible....
Avoid getting your haircut from someone named
Butch....
Don't spend much money on the lottery or gambling in
general....
Check for counterfeit money and suspicious packages....
Do not speak your mind in China.... Avoid the hotdogs
at a gay picnic....
Keep the designated driver straight.... Learn to speak
English(foreigners)
Don't leave a tip at the buffet table.... Allow yourself
time to get there....
Try for sex on the second date but do not bend over in
front of a Greek....
I hope I haven't been to preachy.
Crack Crack cocaine what it does to your brain makes it feel like
nothing is stronger
Out duel the cops, beat up your woman lets see who
outlasts one longer
Sit around all day watching reality t.v. along with Springer
and Maury
If Oprah gets cancer and asks for donations be sure it's
something worthy
Like the Boy scouts or campfire girls, young folks without clues
Or maybe the Alzheimer's people who forgot to pay their dues
Crack cocaine can hasten your life, it's over before it's through
Your enemies will love that having to no longer put up
with you
Don't do them that favor give no respite it's not like you
don't belong here
You do and I do belong here that is without the crack
though my dear!
Spoonerisms (and what they are)
This is the history and examples of spoonerisms. It is somewhat distorted and I did embellish a bit but not without a purpose and that is to be entertained and educated. So prepare yourself to be both.
It all began with a man named Reverend W.A. (William) Spooner, 1844-1930. Born in New College, Oxford England, when he spoke he was prone to transpose initial sounds of spoken words. For example, during a sermon instead of saying "he was a loving shepherd" he would say "he was a shoving leopard." Or during a wedding ceremony he would say it was "kisstumary to cuss the bride." It should've been briss the kide but we'll let it go.
After a kerfuffle between him and a brides groom (he misunderstood what the good reverend had told him to do with the bride, i.e. buck the fride?) Reverend Spooner took leave of England. Arriving in America with his family in the late 1870s, he spent a few years traveling around, ending up in Wisconsin. Drawn to the state because of the last three letters in its name, he hoped to make a difference in peoples lives. He wound up in northern Wisconsin and in 1882 founded the town with his namesake—Spooner. He still spoke in the same manner with the British accent and even though most people didn't understand what he was saying, they began talking like him. Unable to stop the proliferation of this odd way of speaking, due mainly to inbreeding, many people in the town talk that way even today.
Up until the time of his death, Rev. Spooner said that the people of Spooner were not hell-weeled.
Now, some examples of my own spoonerisms. I made up a number of them and here are a few of my favorites put into sentences:
A phone call won't make your cone fall. Bang your head or hang your bed, which do you prefer? The silly bitch wouldn't save Billy Sitch. You can take my word just don't wake my turd. Do you have a spinning wheel or a winning spiel? There are nooks and crannies then there are crooks and nannies. It's good to handle with care but not a candle with hair. I like the Black Crowes and I know that crack blows. Sarah Palin went parasailin' in the Yukon—naked. Friar Tuck drove a fire truck. You can take a shower but you can't shake a tower. With your rat in a cage is your cat in a rage? Being hot in a shed is better then getting shot in the head. Do you wear a funny hat when you're on your honey so fat? When fighting a bear it could be a one sided biting affair. Lying on a flat bed hoping that the bat fled. A tough man doesn't need a muff tan, but a fat man needs a mat fan. While eating your oatmeal, beware of the moat eel. When you're eating a trail mix, watch for male tricks. I will leave the words stock car, rock king and bunt cake up to your imagination. Also, if your last name is Farley, please don't name your child Chuck U. Lastly, the name on the cover is a spoonerism and aliens have been known to frequent that store!
Those are some of mine. Maybe you can come up with some of your own, make it a family activity.
The Elvis Conspiracy
Back in the mid to late 50s' there were a number of young pioneers of rock n roll. Eddie Cochran, Buddy Holly, Bobby Darin, the Big Bopper, Johnny Horton and Ritchie Valens to name a few. They all fit into a specific category, they were young good looking lady killers, R & R rebels with full heads of hair. In other words up and coming competition to Elvis Presley. And big E didn't like it.
Now Elvis knew that he was the coolest and best around. His songs and moves were top hip, even gyrating his hips just below the cameras on Ed Sullivan. His movies were well, he was no James Dean and he knew it. That bothered him and not even acting classes would help. The E man had the persuasive Colonel Parker as his manager; a flamboyant hustler with lots of inside connections. Apparently Him and the Colonel felt those other guys were garnering much of the attention and money away from them. It has been generally acknowledged that they had them offed. Oh I know there were car accidents, plane crashes and assorted fatal diseases, but nothing that the Colonel couldn't arrange. How? Simple really—the Memphis Mafia.
They had their fingers in plenty of underground activities, what would a few dead rockers and rebels mean to them? Who would miss them? A few fans but certainly not their parents. To the parents, Elvis was fairly safe with his smooth voice and B grade movies. Plus, as far as the parents were concerned, the fewer the teen idols the better.
So one by one the competition started to die off. Holly, Cochran, Bopper, Darin, Horton, Valens and Dean, all of them were dead within a matter of a few years. Jerry Lee Lewis and Conway Twitty saw what was happening so they turned to country western. Chuck Berry and Little Richard posed a small threat except to the white parents of the kids.
Elvis pretty much had the field to himself. Sure there people like Bobby Rydell, Neil Sedaka, Ricky Nelson and Roy Orbison, but they were small potatoes except maybe Orbison, and after all, you can't kill everyone! Even Pat Boone played it smart and got out of R&R even though E didn't know who Boone was.
WOW! Elvis kicked ass!!!
Elvis had connections all over the world. He hung around with Tricky Dick Nixon (I never forgave Him for that). He was able to put out hits on almost all of his musical foes, at least the ones that counted. Combine Elvis and the Colonel with the Memphis Mafia and you had a very deadly combination.
Apparently though He must've stepped on someones toes because we all know what His last big hit was—the bathroom floor. Sorry.
Even in death Elvis' records outsell most of the other dead rockers combined. People like Janis Joplin, Bob Marley, Kurt Cobain, Jerry Garcia, Jim Croce, Harry Chapin, Freddy Mercury, Roy Orbison and of course, RickyNelson.
Is He still alive? Well rumor has it that He is on a desert island along with JFK, Jimmy Hoffa and Marilyn Monroe but they're all really old.
Barnyard Commandos
Chickens out of kilter, pigs that binge and purge
Cows not lactating, goats that have no urge
Farm dogs not barking, the cats are spraying more
Making it quite smelly here, much worse then before
The llamas have full metal jackets under bandoleer
Someones' monkey is swinging from the chandelier
It's the barnyard commandos and they've taken control
The barnyard commandos have enlisted Mr. Mole
Him and his underground buds, eroding the foundation
Of our large and lovely house then laugh at our salvation
We try to fight back with high test pesticide
Regaining our position though could be suicide
Ducks waddle past on guard and the sheep are wearing camo
Bison trample underfoot and we've run out of ammo
The animals have taken over, an Orwellian prediction
George didn't see one thing though—cloning is not fiction
Integrity Wind
Integrity like a baseball sometimes get crushed
Much as in a soccer game when the fences get rushed
It can last a lifetime or maybe just an hour
Either way the benefits outweigh the power
The power to destroy the power to create
Whatever may exceed it, will not dissipate
Integrity is abundant yet not in demand
Integrity can demolish those in command
If it's used correctly, or ever used at all
It can help the smallest down the standing tall
Trees have integrity bending in the wind
Some break under pressure, but all are akin
The wind has integrity and so too the mighty oak
A tree dies eventually, but will the wind it croak?
No! When you least expect it, it's a sudden gust
Also turning mountains slowly into dust.
The wind that breaks the tree apart and shifts about the sand
The wind that keeps a flag erect is a force without a hand.
Finances
Balancing your checkbook is a futile attempt at saving
It would be nice to save money but the C-card's misbehaving
Another loan another debt what's the difference now
Chances are you won't find a holy cash cow
Even one not so religious, a species in New Delhi?
The bottom line here is your stock's like rancid jelly
Hold your head up though because unlike uncle Sam
Your financial foundation is not a flood weakened dam
That's budget's a running faucet with leaks through deficit tape
Spend and spend and spend some more as they squeeze us
like grape.
Plagiarism
Certain groups or individuals have been known use or take ideas from other individuals or groups. They sometimes use those ideas to promote themselves without any compensation to the original party or recognition thereof. The law calls it plagiarism, Others call it stealing. Hell I'm probably guilty of it sometimes, unwittingly of course.
It's almost impossible to write a song a book or a movie script today without it ringing familiar from somewhere or someone in the past. It's sad but there are only so many ideas to go around. Once in a while something original pops up but all in all they are usually recycled. Even Shakespeare wasn't always original, although for the sake of argument, he was pretty good.
Sitting around listening to music maybe writing things down as you go along and as you're doing that you realize that lots of things get recycled. Stuff like the weather, ice, trees, bugs, cellphones, aluminum, glass, tires, food, fashions, lice, politicians, and what ever else you can come up with.
So sit back and listen to what you have inside your mind and try to create what you
think could be something original, which of course is easier said then done. Most people quit before they realize any of their potential. If you have someone else's' idea in there, cover it up as much as possible.
After all, look how long television networks have been doing it!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Not Always Seriousby DENIS LILJEDAHL Copyright © 2011 by Denis Liljedahl. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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