CHAPTER 1
Aging and the Elderly Humor
WHO DID THE SHOOTING?
An 80 year-old man goes to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asks him how he is feeling.
The man says, "Things are great. In fact, I've never felt better. I've got a 20 year-old bride and she's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor is quiet for a moment, and then says, "I have an older friend, a lot like you. He's an avid hunter. Never misses a season. One day he set off into the woods to pick up some game. He was in a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large deer standing at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature," says the doctor, "but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and yelled, "Bang! Bang! Bang!" Miraculously, three shots rang out and the deer fell over dead. Now, What do you think about that?"
The old guy says, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that deer."
The doctor says, "My point precisely!"
AGING - SOME THOUGHTS
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
- Unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not.
THE THREE SISTERS
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocking on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go have a beer."
THE 80 YEAR OLD COUPLE
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's office they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down. I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
CREATIVE THINKING IN THE ELDERLY
An elderly man in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
GRANDMA'S IDEA
A young man goes to visit his grandparents.
When he arrives he notices his granddad sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, wearing a shirt but nothing from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he says, "Your thing is just hanging out for everybody to see!"
The old man looks off into the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, why you sitting out here without your drawers?" he asks again.
The old man slowly looks up and says, "Weelll. ... last week I sat here without no shirt, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
WHAT IS A GRANDMOTHER?
(RECEIVED THROUGH TOPFIVE © CHRIS WHITE)
Written by 3rd graders at, St. Andrews School, Wash, D.C.:
A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there.
They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is enough if they drive us to the market and have lots of dimes ready.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They never say "hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes, they wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth out.
Grandmothers don't have to be smart, they only have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have a TV, because they are the only grown-ups who have time.
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
WHO'S DRIVING?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
MYSTERY THIEF!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that someone had broken into her car ... She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
WEDDING PREPARATIONS
Gene, age 89, and Lillian, age 78, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a large and busy drugstore. Gene suggests they go in.
Gene addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Gene: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Gene: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Gene: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Gene: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Gene: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Gene: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Gene: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Gene: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
OLD IS WHEN ...
"OLD" IS WHEN:
... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
RETIREMENT AT WAL-MART (SHARED BY ELISE LAMBERT)
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'Pick Me! Pick Me!'
October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'Oh no! It's those voices again!'
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
HE COULD FLY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could make love, he could fly."
DRIED ARRANGEMENT
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door and cheering could be heard in the background ...
"How did it go?" asked his friend.
"Great!" he said, "I won first prize for a dried arrangement."
STAMINA SECRET
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy
The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any Jewish rye bread?'
She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'
He said, 'I want 5 loaves.
She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'
He replied, 'I can't believe it! Everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me!'
IMPORTANT QUESTION
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
MOE AND SAM
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It turns out that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you have to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
