Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

 

Winner of four national book awards!  Praised by a "Who's Who" of preeminent experts!

This bestselling guide put Adult ADHD and Relationships on the map — and remains a must read today. Adults with ADHD, their partners and other loved ones, and professionals will find comprehensive understanding of symptoms, emotional impact, and evidence-based treatment strategies.

"I recommend it highly to all couples whose troubles seem incomprehensible, and for all couples therapists it should be required reading to help them distinguish between ordinary conflict and the roller coaster effect of this syndrome."

—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

"Insightful, helpful, witty, and very practical. This book can change your life."

—Daniel Amen, MD

"There is no better book that addresses such relationship difficulties and with such sensitivity to the complex issues inherent in them. Thank you, Gina, for writing such a useful book."

—Russell A. Barkley, PhD

"Gina Pera has written a stunning book that should be a must-read for all couples where one or both partners have Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder."
—Anthony Rostain, MD

About this Groundbreaking Book:

Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? has helped thousands of readers understand how this highly variable syndrome affects them. Around the globe, professionals and couples who have elevated their lives with the book's wisdom recommend it to others.

Gina Pera expertly guides you in making sense of your own Adult ADHD Roller Coaster—helping you to:

• View ADHD as a variable syndrome affecting individuals
• Realize how later-in-life diagnosis creates additional issues
• Revise old misinterpretations that can thwart progress now
• Heal poor coping responses and dysfunctional interaction cycles
• Implement supports to completing routine tasks and reaching goals 
• Appreciate how ADHD can also negatively affect the spouses and other loved ones
• Delve into "denial's" dual nature — physiological and psychological — and reach through it
• Adopt proven approaches that remain extremely rare in clinical settings, especially couple therapy

The science has been clear since 1994, when Adult ADHD was declared a medical diagnosis. Still, the public harbors misconceptions, and that means millions suffer needlessly. That includes millions of couples who can't understand why their lives together are so hard—often despite many attempts at therapy.

The simple truth is:  Everyone knows someone with adult ADHD. Yet we often misattribute the symptoms to anxiety, depression, or even laziness, selfishness, “addictive personality,” or moodiness. Some assume that ADHD means little boys with ants in their pants. In fact, childhood hyperactivity goes "underground" as the person matures, resulting in a mentally restless state.

Meticulously researched and written by Gina Pera, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? helps you recognize the behaviors where you least expect them with:

• Explanations from highly respected experts
• Plenty of real-life details
• Empathy and compassion for everyone affected by Adult ADHD
• Clear advice on proven treatment options and practical solutions.

The revolutionary message is one of hope for millions of people—and a joyous opportunity for a better life.

About the Author

Gina Pera is an internationally respected author, speaker, and educator on Adult ADHD, especially as it affects relationships. For 22 years, she has researched and written about Adult ADHD while also passionately advocating for better treatment standards.

She wrote two highly praised books and the first-ever chapter on couple-therapy in the leading ADHD clinical guide (edited by Russell Barkley, PhD). Since 2008, she's reported major original stories at her award-winning blog (the first and longest-running website on Adult ADHD): ADHDRollerCoaster.org

Her first book, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?, broke new ground and won four book awards. It has been translated into Turkish and Spanish.

Her second book (with psychologist Arthur Robin) is Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions. It presents the first therapeutic model for helping these couples. It is a flexible approach based on strategies that research has proven to work for Adult ADHD and for couple therapy.

Known as an innovative researcher and engaging speaker, Gina has long provided education and support for the ADHD community. She has led workshops internationally and facilitates Adult ADHD discussion groups in Silicon Valley as well as an international online group for the partners of adults with ADHD.

Previously, Gina was an award-winning newspaper and magazine journalist.

She has recently launched an online training site for consumers and professionals: ADHDSuccessTraining.com

Her blog: ADHDRollerCoaster.org

 

From the Author, Gina Pera:

ADHD is a highly variable syndrome that affects individuals, not clones.  Your experience of ADHD might look little like:

• Your friend's ADHD
• Your parent's ADHD
• That blogger's or podcaster's ADHD
• Any stereotypes about ADHD

I wrote this book to help everyone affected by Adult ADHD — the adults themselves, their partners and other loved ones, and professionals — learn to recognize ADHD-related challenges.  When you know what you are dealing with, you have a better chance of creating positive change.

When couples learn about ADHD and work as a team to address misinterpretations and dysfunctional interaction cycles, life typically improve dramatically. 

Even when relationships do not continue, healing takes place. Lessons are learned about digging deep into the human capacity for strength, love, and compassion —and learning new ideas. 

I sincerely wish that you find this guide helpful, even life-changing, and that it might inspire you to share your knowledge with others. Thank you for reading.

Professional Endorsements/Reviews

“Most books on marriage offer insights and help to common marital problems such as the traditional problems of conflict around sex, money, children, time, and in-laws. They offer credible solutions such as conflict management, improved communication, and problem solving skills.

“This book is different. For some couples these problems are exacerbated by the often-unnoticed presence of a particular neural wiring in the brain, called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, that makes traditional solutions very ineffective. This book describes AD/HD in detail and with empathy and helps couples with this added challenge find hope and solutions.

“I recommend it highly to all couples whose troubles seem incomprehensible and for all couples therapists it should be required reading to help them distinguish between ordinary conflict and the roller coaster’ effect of this syndrome.”

—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., nationally renowned couples therapy expert and author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide  for Couples

 

"In this lucid, provocative, and authoritative book, Gina Pera lets the reader know, at a visceral level, what it's like to be the partner of an adult with AD/HD.  Alternately humorous and deadly serious, the book is deeply empathic with the experience of such partners.  Along the way, Pera provides important information about AD/HD's causes and treatments and provides empowerment to those who have for too long been blamed for the relationship issues engendered by AD/HD.

“By showing the reality of AD/HD in relation to those who must live with its consequences every day, she provides a message of real hope."

—Stephen Hinshaw, Ph.D., Professor and Chair of the Psychology Department at the University of California, Berkeley

 "Wow! What a roller coaster ride...Is It You, Me or Adult ADD? contains information that is just not available anywhere else. This book is sure to become the authoritative guide for couples dealing with ADD and the baggage that accompanies it. Packed with information, but not overwhelming, it is a unique and valuable resource."

—Patricia O. Quinn, M.D., Cofounder and Director, The National Center for Girls and Women with AD/HD

“Insightful, helpful, witty, and very practical.  This book can change your life.”

—Daniel G. Amen, M.D., author Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.

 

“Having a spouse or partner with ADHD and its attendant conditions often means dealing with painful, disastrous, and heartbreaking issues-—financial catastrophes, verbal and even physical abuse, substance addiction. and many others. The spouse feels overwhelmed and desperate while struggling in a swirl of chaos. But help is often nowhere to be found. Most books on ADHD completely ignore the more serious issues brought on families, and even health care providers sometimes have no understanding of it.

Many group members have been in relationships for 20 to 30 years, never knowing why their lives are so different from other couples, loving their partners, but living lives of frustration and emotional abandonment.

As co-moderators for nearly 10 years of an online support group, we've seen our members grapple with these painful issues, with nowhere else to turn for advice, help, and hope except each other. We've seen this book emerge from a plea from group members for a resource that addresses their needs.

Gina Pera has completed a monumental undertaking of blending our stories with the latest medical advisories on treating ADHD and its many co-existing conditions. Real answers on the painful realities. We expect this book will be the bible for all of us dealing with adult ADHD.

—Elizabeth Weathers and Diane Hartson, Co-moderators. ADD Spouse support group 

 

"My first response to the publication of Gina's book was 'At last! Something for the significant other!' You hate to use the cliche 'long overdue' but as a physician who treats dozens of ADHD patients, until now, there's just been nothing available. Is it You, Me, or Adult ADHD lives up to all expectations. I can safely predict it will become as an   'industry standard'. As father to a son and husband to a wife with ADHD, I can professionally and personally attest to the value of Gina's important new book."   

—David Edelberg, M.D., Medical Director, WholeHealth Chicago

 

“For all the couples who are struggling with ADHD in their relationship, Gina Pera has written a wonderful guide to help you navigate these treacherous marital waters. Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?  has the unique distinction of including the perspective of the partner without ADHD, which has been neglected for far too many years. The book is well researched, reader friendly, and includes insights and perspectives from a Who's Who of professionals in the field.  For couples struggling with ADHD, it's the season's new must-have book and bound to become a classic.”

—Michele Novotni, Ph.D. author of What Does Everyone Else Know that I Don't?

 

“Even today, people often surprisingly ask: “Do you believe in Adult ADHD?” Confirmatory brain neuroscience answers this speculation about Adult ADHD: It’s real problem, with real and painful challenges, not a belief system. And nowhere is Adult ADHD more evident, more fully identifiable, than in our most important, valued relationships. In any long-term relationship, with increasing exposure over time, ADHD patterns endure unabated.  They grind partners into a thin paste.

          “The reason it took so long to recognize Adult ADD is simple:  Its expression is cunning and well rationalized.  With Gina Pera’s help, the subtlety of recognizing and the complexity of intervening on these puzzling ADHD predicaments is refreshingly simplified.

“Gina translates big questions into useful, practical, and understandable answers. Her book provides not only a good starting place for the ADHD discussion, but also detailed follow-through for the real recovery process.” 

— Charles Parker, DO, Medical Director, CorePsych

 

 “While there is increasing awareness of how common and difficult ADHD can be, there are no resources available to help explain the nature of ADHD to those who live closest to it in adulthood:  the spouse.

“Gina Pera has combined a real feel for the disorder with sound reporting skills and the spice of those who tell the story best: the couples themselves. This is a book based on science, but it captures the art of helping couples cope with and move beyond the challenges that ADHD creates.”  

—Margaret D. Weiss, M.D., Ph.D., Director of Clinical Research in Child Psychiatry at Cambridge Health Alliance, Cambridge MA.

 

“Gina Pera has written a stunning book that should be a must-read for all couples where one or both partners have ADHD. Combining her own experiences, a thoughtful synthesis of the clinical and research literature, and a creative study of her own design, she has grasped the complex ways in which ADHD affects relationships and has translated her comprehensive expertise into a highly readable and extraordinarily helpful guide.

“Using the metaphor of riding a roller coaster, she describes the ups and downs of intimate relationships in frank and open ways, including rich descriptions of all-too-common scenarios that inevitably stymie couples, and offers solutions that are both imaginative and practical.  Her prose is extremely effective, at times funny and at other times poignant, and her ability to capture the subtle dynamics of partnerships affected by ADHD is nothing short of extraordinary. 

“What is particularly stunning about her achievement is the way Ms. Pera has captured the intricacy of ADHD, including its far-reaching effects on executive function and emotional regulation.  Equally impressive is her talent for framing the issues in comprehensible language, with answers to frequently asked questions, quotes from partners with and without ADHD, and snippets of dialogues that are completely genuine. 

“Best of all, this book offers hope and guidance to the millions of adults whose lives have been challenged by ADHD, by providing clear and useful ideas and a richly elaborated framework for addressing the myriad stresses that ADHD imposes upon intimacy and friendship. 

“Kudos and thanks to Ms. Pera!  I will make this book required reading for all my patients.  It is nothing short of a tour de force!”

—Anthony L. Rostain, M.D., MA, Medical Director, University of Pennsylvania Adult ADHD Treatment and Research Program. Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

 

“As any partner of an adult with ADHD can attest, research clearly shows ADHD's pervasive effects on a person's ability to manage life's many demands. This often leaves the partner to pick up the pieces, despite the ADHD person's seemingly good intentions.

“When an adult has ADHD, his or her romantic partner ‘has’ it, too. Alternately confused, optimistic, and resentful, the partner rides a roller coaster as he or she tries to understand why the relationship seems so unbalanced. Gina Pera has been there and has authored a guide that offers understanding for the confused, practical strategies for the frustrated, and hope for the despondent.

“This book will be a lifesaver for both partners as they strive to create a more satisfying relationship and a happier, more productive life together.”

—Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., M.B.A.

 

Gina Pera is an acknowledged expert in the field of adult ADD. She has been featured on San Francisco's KQED radio. Pera's background as a journalist/ediitor who has worked with USA Weekend magazine, Disney Adventures Magazine, the San Diego Business Jouranal, and many other publications help her give depth and research to this topic.