Dumbocracy: Adventures with the Loony Left, the Rabid Right and Other American Douche Bags: Adventures with the Loony Left, the Rabid Right, and Other American Idiots - Softcover

Beckerman; Marty

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1934708062 ISBN 13: 9781934708064

Publisher: DISINFORMATION COMPANY LTD, 2008

Synopsis

Interacts with the PC police of the Left (Stupid Hippies) and military theocrats of the Right (Jesus Freaks) and hilariously exposes how extremists of all persuasions undermine life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

About this title

About the Author

Marty Beckerman, twenty-five, is also the author of Generation S.L.U.T. (MTV Books, 2004). He has written for Playboy, Reason, Discover, The Huffington Post, and New York Press. He has been featured by The New York Times, the New York Post, MSNBC, Fox News Channel, and National Public Radio. Hunter S. Thompson once called him a "morbid little bastard," which Beckerman considers the greatest compliment of his career.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

DUMBOCRACY

Adventures with the Loony Left, the Rabbit Right, and Other American Idiots

By Marty Beckerman

The Disinformation Company Ltd.

Copyright © 2008 Marty Beckerman
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-934708-06-4

Contents

Introduction: Douche Bag Nation, 
I. ADVENTURES WITH ACTIVISTS, 
Castration Nation vs. Procreation Nation: (Or, "Abortion: What's the Big Fucking Deal?"), 
Sodomization Nation vs. Salvation Nation: When One Man's Moral wrong Makes Another Man's Penis Long, 
Invasion Nation vs. Negotiation Nation: Making the World Safe for Dumbocracy, 
Terrorization Nation vs. Zionization Nation: Hippies for Hamas, 
Moralization Nation vs. Intellectualization Nation: The Decline and Fall of American Civilization, 
II. PROHIBITION NATION, 
Introduction: A Tirade Against Puritanism, 
Prohibition Nation vs. Masturbation Nation, 
Prohibition Nation vs. Intoxication Nation, 
Part One: Marijuana, 
Part Two: Alcohol, 
Prohibition Nation vs. Oral Fixation Nation, 
Part One: Cigarettes, 
Part Two: Food, 
III. THE PROMISED LAND, 
Part One: Youngsters of Zion, 
Part Two: Jew-Boy Looks for God, Finds Drugs Instead, 
POSTSCRIPT: My Odyssey from Teenage Communist to College Republican to So Fucking Ashamed, 
History and Acknowledgements, 
Notes, 

CHAPTER 1

I.ADVENTURES WITH ACTIVISTS

* * *

Castration Nation vs. Procreation Nation

(OR, "ABORTION: WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?")

* * *

Nothing drives people crazy like the legality—and increasing illegality—ofvacuuming fetuses as if they were household dust bunnies. Extremists on bothsides refuse to compromise: you either hate women or God depending on yourstance. (Personally I feel that a baby loses its right to life when it disruptsmy serenity by means of crying in a movie theater, airplane, restaurant,hospital delivery room, etc.)

However, the American people have a far more nuanced view than those activistswho wage the battle. Whereas rightwing absolutists wish to ban abortion even incases of sexual assault, incest and medical necessity, nearly ninety percent ofAmericans favor keeping the procedure legal at least sometimes, and sixtypercent favor keeping it legal most of the time. Whereas radical feminists wishto keep abortion legal up to the moment before a baby is born, even if there isno medical necessity, seventy-three percent of Americans feel—even if they arepro-choice—that terminating a pregnancy is sometimes or always "morally wrong."More than two-thirds of Americans believe that the best policy is somewhere inthe "middle ground."

But why have democracy when we can have theocracy? So far in the twenty-firstcentury the Religious Right has enjoyed many victories under King Retard,including the appointments of two antiabortion justices to the Supreme Court,the limiting of funds for medical stem cell research—which eighty-six percent ofAmericans consider "vital"—and the enactments of laws such as:

• The Global Gag Rule, which forbids U.S.-funded clinics to offer abortions topoor women overseas. (Abortion and welfare—it's enough to give any Republican aheart attack, especially since Republicans are usually so fucking overweight.)

• The Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act, which makes no exceptions for life-endangeringpregnancies, according to the ACLU. (If you want someone to pullyour fetus halfway out of your body and then crack its skull with a pair ofscissors, I can recommend some good fraternity parties.)

• The Interstate Abortion Bill, which criminalizes transportation of minors acrossstate lines to receive abortions. (Driving and aborting: it's like drinking anddriving, only you're guaranteed to kill a baby! Woooooooooooooooooooooo!))

• Parental approval requirements for teenagers' abortions in nineteen states, evenif their pregnancies are due to incestuous rape. ("Hey, Daddy, can you signthis? But first can you take your dick out of me?")

However, Republican policies are often responsible for abortion: abstinence-onlysex education guarantees higher teenage pregnancy rates in conservative states,plus three-fourths of women who terminate their pregnancies "cite economicpressure as a reason." If everyone were given condoms and money, right-wingersmight finally shut the fuck up!

Trying to understand the motivations of pro-choice and antiabortion radicals Iattended the March for Women's Lives on the National Mall in Washington, D.C.,which attracted prominent leaders from both sides. It was one of the mostagonizing days of my career. (Isn't there more to the breakfast of life thanscrambled eggs?)

One last thought before we begin: American women received forty-five millionabortions between 1973 and 2008, ending a fifth of all pregnancies. (It's athird in Europe.) The average birth weight is seven pounds, which means thatthe U.S. has produced up to three hundred and fifteen million pounds of Baby Goosince legalizing abortion.

Why haven't we cured World Hunger?

* * *

April 25, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. | "Stop the Violence Against Abortion Clinics!" "Choice EqualsEquality!" "Stop Capitalist Oppression!" "Keep Your Religion Off My Body!""Anti-Capitalist Action Now!" "No More Coat Hangers!"

Every man dreams of surrounding himself with a million screaming, passionate,manipulated young women—basically the average college experience—but the Marchfor Women's Lives makes me want to crawl back into my mother's uterus and closethe lid forever.

According to the Associated Press, more than a million feminists have convergedon the National Mall for this event, which is endorsed by the NationalOrganization for Women, NARAL Pro-Choice America (formerly the NationalAssociation for the Repeal of Abortion Laws), the Feminist Majority, theAmerican Civil Liberties Union and the Planned Parenthood Federation of America,which operates many abortion clinics and contends that life "starts when a babytakes its first breath."

Slogans and smells bombard me from all directions as I follow the hideous herdof heterosexuality-hating heifers. They carry posters, pump their fists andcondemn the Patriarchy with piercing shrieks, which is what my girlfriend soundslike when she wants me to take out the trash or put the toilet seat down.

"Keep Abortion Legal!" "Keep Your Bra, Burn Republicans Instead!" "Make Love,Not Laws!" "Stop the Pregnancy Police!" "My Body Is Not Public Property!"

Look at all these unshaven-legged, gap-toothed, ill-bathed, rattyhaired, rancid-smellingmilitant feminists! No guy in his right and/or sober mind would touchthese nasty mastodons. Why do they care about the legality of abortion?

(George Carlin remarked that this holds true for the other side: "Why is it thatmost of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuckin the first place?")

A height-impaired, beauty-impaired feminist (let's call her "He-Man")distributes maps to the protesters. She is an abortion clinic "escort" fromPennsylvania, which means that she leads women into the Aborto-Chamber whilepro-life demonstrators squeal outside.

"What do the Christians shout when you're escorting?" I ask.

"The usual terrifying things like 'murderers' and 'baby killers,'" says He-Man."A woman has the right to choose. She has the right to choose to have atonsillectomy. She has the right to choose to have back surgery. She has theright to choose to lift her chin. She certainly has the right to choose healthcare for herself." (Lifting your chin, terminating your pregnancy ... just atypical day in the suburbs.)

"Is there any merit to their argument that life starts in the womb, so it'swrong to—"

"None at all," He-Man scoffs. "And that's not their argument, which is that lifebegins at conception, and that's just incorrect."

"Should abortion up to the moment of birth be legal?"

"That's an asinine question. To have an abortion at the moment of birth? We'renot talking about fetuses, okay? We're talking about women, and women get tochoose if they want to become mothers. A lot of people have different ideasabout the status of the fetus, but that's not the issue. The issue is women—women'slives, women's health—and to make it about anything else changes thesubject in a way that's completely inappropriate and disrespectful."

Inappropriate? Disrespectful? Moi?

* * *

"The most merciful thing a large family does to one of its infant members is tokill it," wrote Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger, who proposed"sterilizing" up to "nearly half—47.3 per cent—of the [U.S.] population," andrecommended "that parenthood is absolutely prohibited to the feeble-minded."

Sanger believed that the government should "allow" only thirteen percent of thepopulation "to reproduce," excluding "the blind, deaf and mute ... andepileptic," who are "dead weight of human waste." For these undesirables,"Segregation carried out for one or two generations" was "the immediate andperemptory duty of every State and of all communities." She condemned "modernsociety, which has respected the personal liberty of the individual," and"welfare programs for their failure to weed out the feeble-minded and unfit."(In 2008 Planned Parenthood apologized for accepting money from a bogus donorwho told a fundraising employee that "the less black kids out there the better,"to which the employee replied: "Understandable, understandable.")

In April 1933 the National Birth Control League, which would later becomePlanned Parenthood, published the Nazi Society for Racial Hygiene cofounder'sarticle "Eugenic Sterilization: An Urgent Need." Sanger appointed LothropStoddard, author of the 1920 screed The Rising Tide of Color Against WhiteWorld-Supremacy, to her organization's Board of Directors. In 1940 Stoddard "metpersonally with Adolf Hitler" and SS Chief Heinrich Himmler, whom Stoddardpraised for "weeding out the worst strains in the Germanic stock in a scientificand truly humanitarian way ... by the physical elimination of the Jewsthemselves from the Third Reich." He considered Nazi policy "almost tooconservative."

In Sanger's defense, she condemned the Holocaust and presented an award toMartin Luther King, Jr. She also helped overturn laws that forbade the sale ofcondoms. However, a "vigorous" 2004 Consumers Union study deemed PlannedParenthood's condoms the least effective of all brands. (Which raises thequestion: where the hell do I apply to work at Consumers Union?!?)

Broken condoms mean higher revenues: Planned Parenthood clinics generate nearly$300 million per year, not including approximately $500 million in donations andtaxpayer dollars. The organization's president earns more than six times theaverage American's salary. In 2005 a Planned Parenthood chapter created acartoon in which a "Superhero for Choice" shoots, drowns and decapitates antiabortionprotesters—portrayed as monstrous, grunting zombies—and then says,"That's more like it! Open for business!"

This is strange considering that Sanger wrote in 1920: "[T]he complete abolitionof the abortion law will shortly do away with abortions, as nothing elsewill." Whoops!

At least she wasn't as kooky as the doctor whom King Retard appointed to overseethe family planning division at the U.S. Department of Health and HumanServices. This man's organization suggested that abortion causes breast cancer—whichis ludicrous—and that condoms are "demeaning to women, degrading of humansexuality, and adverse to human health and happiness," which is veryludicrous. (Actually I have experienced much happiness thanks to rubbers. And Iwas demeaning women and degrading my sexuality at the time.)

* * *

"It's Your Choice, Not Theirs!" "If You Cut Off My Reproductive Rights, Can ICut Off Your Penis?" "My Body, My Choice!" "Choice Today, Choice Tomorrow,Choice Forever!" "Euthanize Christians!"

On a stage between the Washington Monument and the Capitol building, severalnotables—and nobodies—address the million feminists who wear tank tops andmilitaristic camouflage. The notables include:

• Ms. magazine founder Gloria Steinem, herself an abortion recipient, who wrote in1973: "By the year 2000 we will, I hope, raise our children to believe in humanpotential, not God." In 2008 she proclaimed that "[g]ender is probably themost restricting force in American life," as if the last few decades had neverhappened: modern women earn more university diplomas and often higher salariesthan men. A woman received over 18 million votes in the 2008 presidentialprimaries, nearly gaining the Democratic presidential nomination. (Activists areoften unable to recognize their own victories because they're too busybitching.)

• Planned Parenthood president Gloria Feldt, NOW president Kim Gandy and formerNOW president Patricia Ireland, whose belief that "the personal is political" isevery activist's maxim.

• NOW founder Betty Friedan, who attended Communist Front meetings and comparedAmerican housewives to "the millions who walked to their own death in theconcentration camps."

• Actress Jane Fonda, who posed for photographs in 1972 with Communist Northvietnamese soldiers and accused captured American troops of lying about beingsystematically tortured.

• Untalented singer Ani DiFranco, who abhors ideological shades of gray: "Eitheryou are a feminist or you are a sexist/misogynist. There is no box marked'other.'"

• Democratic Congresswomen Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer and theappropriately named Louise Slaughter.

• New York Senator Hillary Clinton, whose husband—President Blow Job—so respectedher as an empowered, self-actualized woman that he ... well ... decided tobecome President Blow Job.

"Women will not bow down!" shrieks an activist on the stage. "We will be free!There are women in prison! Women who have disabilities will be free! All womenwith disabilities must have access to abortion!"

The enraptured marchers gaze forward and cheer every sentence.

"More women died from illegal abortions before 1973 than soldiers died in thevietnam War," screams actress Cybill Shepherd after taking the stage. "We can'tlet it happen again! women will rise again! we are marching not just for ourlives but the lives of our daughters!"

Indeed, thousands of American women died from illegal abortions beforepenicillin and antibiotics, but according to the U.S. Centers for DiseaseControl and Prevention, only forty died from "back alley" procedures the yearbefore Roe v. Wade. Ten to two-dozen perish per year in the twenty-firstcentury from legal abortions, so the difference is less than thirty measlylives. As necessary as Roe v. Wade might have been, it hardly prevented the BackAlley Female Holocaust.

"Religion makes me sick," Shepherd says before quoting—in the very same breath—the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. (To be fair, this is more sophisticatedthan fellow celebrity Cameron Diaz's 2004 appeal to voters: "I mean, we couldlose the right to our bodies ... if you think that rape should be legal, thendon't vote.")

A "radical poet" takes the stage, dressed like a homeless woman, and speaks soforcefully that she hyperventilates.

"I proclaim the emancipation of clitoris to shining clitoris!" wails the LadyShakespeare. "Cunt revolution! Cunt revolution is here! We will fight ourshackles and rise from our chains and say, 'Patriarchy, I survived!' We will befree! We will rise to freedom! We will rise from the giant cunt mold! They makeit hard to have a cunt in this cunt-ry!"

"Do you really think this lends credibility to your cause?" I ask the cheeringfeminist beside me. "Seems like if you're born with a cunt, it should be easy tohave one."

I ask another attendee, twenty-year-old Sonya, for her opinion.

"I don't think, like, the babies are real, like, human beings, you know?" Sonyaarticulates. "It's ... like ... I want my right to choice— it's not a questionof whether the baby is alive or not. That's not what I'm here to argue. I'm hereto argue my choice to make ... to make ... to argue my choice to have anabortion, you know?"

Katrina and Maddie, a pair of teenage lesbians, distribute posters thatproclaim: "QUEER RIGHTS ARE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS!"

"What does that mean?" I ask. "Gay people can't reproduce—at least not withoutscientists."

"Exactly," chirps one of the girls. "Gay people will never have abortions! So Ithink everyone should be gay! So nobody has to argue!"

This is the most brilliant notion that I've heard today.

* * *

Feminism has had many positive effects on society—equal pay for equal work,college educations for millions of young women, and the widespread curtailmentof domestic violence—but its most passionate adherents are absolutelyhysterical. A feminist organization creatively named the Feminists declared in1969:

• "We must destroy love ... Love promotes vulnerability, dependence,possessiveness, susceptibility to pain, and prevents the full development of awoman's human potential by directing all her energies outward in the interest ofothers ... love is a delusion in the female."

• "[C]hildren are part of society but they should not be possessed by anyone."

• "We must destroy the institution of heterosexual sex ... the myth of the vaginalorgasm was created so that the female would remain sexually dependent on themale." (Conspiracy theories are activists' explanations for everything,including their own frigidity.)

(Continues...)

Excerpted from DUMBOCRACY by Marty Beckerman. Copyright © 2008 Marty Beckerman. Excerpted by permission of The Disinformation Company Ltd..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Edition details

• Publisher: DISINFORMATION COMPANY LTD
• Publication date: 2008
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1934708062
• ISBN 13: 9781934708064
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 224