Healing Your Grieving Heart After a Cancer Diagnosis: 100 Practical Ideas for Coping, Surviving, and Thriving (The 100 Ideas Series) - Softcover

Alan D Wolfelt; Kirby J. Duvall

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1617222003 ISBN 13: 9781617222009

Publisher: Companion Press, 2014

Synopsis

According to the American Cancer Society, more than one million people get cancer in the United States each year. The diagnosis is often a major physical, emotional, social, and spiritual blow, capable of shaking patients to their core. This empathetic guide coauthored by cancer survivor Dr. Alan Wolfelt helps individuals understand and cope with the many difficult thoughts and feelings to which a cancer diagnosis can give rise, assisting them as they find ways to experience peace and joy throughout their journey. Among the 100 ideas for surviving and thriving in this book are those that explain the basic principles of grief and mourning and how they apply to a life\-altering, life\-threatening, or terminal medical diagnosis. Others offer instantaneous, in\-the\-moment suggestions of things that cancer patients can do immediately in order to express their grief and live with meaning in each moment. This book is a calming companion for people battling cancer and their loved ones.

About this title

About the Author

Alan D Wolfelt Ph.D. serves as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. He writes the 'Children and Grief' column for Bereavement Magazine and has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Live, and Today. He is the author of Healing Your Grieving Heart, Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart, and Understanding Your Grief. He lives in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Healing Your Grieving Heart After a Cancer Diagnosis

100 Practical Ideas for Coping, Surviving, and Thriving

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Kirby J. Duvall

Center for Loss and Life Transition

Copyright © 2014 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. and Kirby J. Duvall, M.D.
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-61722-200-9

Contents

Introduction, 
100 Ideas, 
1. Understand the difference between grief and mourning, 
2. Allow for numbness, 
3. Take an inventory, 
4. Give yourself permission to grieve and mourn, 
5. Love yourself, 
6. Focus on first things first, 
7. Keep a journal, 
8. Understand the six needs of mourning: Need #1. Acknowledge the reality of your diagnosis and prognosis, 
9. Understand the six needs of mourning: Need #2. Embrace the pain of your losses, 
10. Understand the six needs of mourning: Need #3. Remember your past, 
11. Understand the six needs of mourning: Need #4. Incorporate cancer into your self-identity, 
12. Understand the six needs of mourning: Need #5. Search for meaning, 
13. Understand the six needs of mourning: Need #6. Receive ongoing support from others, 
14. Practice patience, 
15. Understand what it means to be "traumatized", 
16. Nurture hope, 
17. Be kind to your body, 
18. Express your spirituality, 
19. Schedule something that gives you pleasure each and every day, 
20. Learn to check in with yourself, 
21. Make an inventory of survival strategies, 
22. Eat well to stay strong, 
23. Yield to silence and solitude ..., 
24. ... but do not withdraw altogether, 
25. Be on your own team, 
26. Be honest with the children, 
27. Lean to meditate, 
28. Sleep well, 
29. Enjoy green tea, 
30. Mourn hair loss, too, 
31. Visualize, 
32. Break the silence, 
33. Move, 
34. Keep down excess weight, 
35. Take a deep breath, 
36. Know that you are loved, 
37. Set your intention on optimism, 
38. Honor the Before and the After, 
39. Don't be alarmed by mood swings, 
40. Befriend your fear, 
41. If you feel helpless, talk about it, 
42. If you feel angry, talk about it, 
43. If you feel guilty, talk about it, 
44. If you feel stuck, talk about it, 
45. Eat dessert first ... and last, 
46. Make love a habit, 
47. Hold that hug for 20 seconds, 
48. Get familiar with online resources, 
49. Find new ways to be intimate, 
50. Know the signs of clinical depression, 
51. Find encouraging people, 
52. Connect with animals, 
53. Tell the story, over and over again if you feel the need, 
54. If you have questions, ask them, 
55. Take things one day at a time, 
56. Drink enough water, 
57. Find bits of beauty in each day, 
58. Try Vitamin C, 
59. Spend time in "thin places", 
60. Calm chronic inflammation, 
61. Say what you need to say, 
62. Consider complementary therapies, 
63. Simplify your life, 
64. Relieve muscle tension with massage, 
65. Laugh, 
66. Cry, 
67. Take a five-minute spirit break, 
68. Cultivate resilience, 
69. Write letters to be read on a future date, 
70. Tap into your intuition, 
71. Get enough vitamin D, 
72. Drink fresh-squeezed juice, 
73. Don't be alarmed by "griefbursts", 
74. Live in the Now, 
75. Seek out a spiritual advisor, 
76. Mend fences, 
77. Sigh, 
78. Beware the nocebo effect, 
79. Celebrate World Cancer Day, 
80. Be mindful of anniversaries, 
81. Plant a tree, 
82. Pray, 
83. Make time for music, 
84. Reassess your priorities, 
85. Wear prayer beads, 
86. Watch for warning signs, 
87. Go easy on people who say stupid things, 
88. Clear the clutter, 
89. Make a "bad news" plan, 
90. Wrangle worry, 
91. Catch the bounce, 
92. Live with gratitude and count your blessings, 
93. Hammer out your hopes, 
94. Make goals and plans that have nothing to do with cancer, 
95. Give yourself up to grief, 
96. Beware the snake oil salesman, 
97. If your cancer is recurring, chronic, or terminal, 
98. Unwrap the gifts of cancer, 
99. Understand that your grief will never end, 
100. Believe in your capacity to heal and grow through grief, 
Our Prayer for You, 
The Cancer Mourner's Bill of Rights, 

CHAPTER 1

1.

UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING

"What happens when people open their hearts? They get better."

— Haruki Murakami

• Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we experience when we lose something or someone we care about. Grief is the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the unspeakable thoughts and feelings.

• Mourning is the outward expression of our grief. Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, talking to others, telling the story, speaking the unspeakable.

• Here's a way to remember which is which: The "i" in grief stands for what I feel inside. The "u" in mourn reminds me to share my grief with you.

• Everyone grieves when they are affected by life's challenges, but if we are to heal emotionally and spiritually, we must also mourn. Over time, and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.

• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn the natural and necessary grief that has resulted from your cancer diagnosis and ongoing treatment.

CARPE DIEM

Ask yourself this question: Have I been mourning my cancer, or have I mostly been restricting myself to grieving?

2.

ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS

"There is a feeling of disbelief that comes over you, that takes over, and you kind of go through the motions. You do what you're supposed to do, but in fact you're not there at all."

— Frederick Barthelme

• Did you feel numb and in shock in the days and weeks right after your cancer diagnosis? I know I did and sometimes still do.

• Feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief are nature's way of temporarily protecting us from the full force of a painful reality. Like anesthesia, these feelings help us survive the pain of our early grief. Be thankful for numbness.

• We often think, "I will wake up and this will not have happened." Early mourning can feel like being in a dream. Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.

• Cancer typically requires many, many doctors' visits and tests and procedures. This means that at the same time you are feeling numb and not thinking well, you are being given lots of complex information and sometimes have to make difficult decisions based on your understanding of that information. Ask a friend or family member to accompany you to appointments, take notes, and help you decide.

CARPE DIEM

If you're feeling numb, cancel any optional commitments that require concentration and decision-making. Allow yourself time to regroup. Find a "safe haven" that you might be able to retreat to for a few days.

3.

TAKE AN INVENTORY

"The minute someone tells you you have cancer, it's kind of like you die. You really do die. It's like you get that you're mortal."

— Eve Ensler

• When you were diagnosed with cancer, you lost not only your health (at least somewhat and temporarily) but so much more.

• You may have lost your hold on your hopes and dreams for your future as well as your family's future.

• You may have lost your sense of security and safety — for yourself and for others who depend on you.

• If you had surgery, you lost a part of yourself.

• You may have lost closeness or intimacy with loved ones.

• You may have lost some of your physical abilities and pleasures.

• You may have lost some of your faith in God.

• You may have lost your trust in medicine or in your own body.

• You may have lost financial stability.

• You may have lost your trust in how life is supposed to work.

• It's no wonder that cancer grief can feel so heavy.

CARPE DIEM

Today, take an inventory of all you have lost as a result of your diagnosis and prognosis. Write it down and/or talk about it with someone who's a good listener and is able to be supportive to you.

4.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE AND MOURN

"It is so important to talk about your cancer and the feelings you have about it."

— Mindy Sterling

• As we discussed in this book's Introduction, being diagnosed and living with cancer creates many losses. And with loss comes natural and necessary grief. Your grief is very real, and it will affect you physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually.

• Sometimes people with cancer set aside or discount their own grief. Sometimes they are so focused on worrying about and supporting their loved ones that they neglect themselves. Sometimes they take a look at other cancer patients around them and think, "Lots of people have it worse than I do. I have nothing to complain about." But the truth is, you are grieving inside, and rightfully so.

• If you enjoy life and if you love and are connected to others, cancer threatens all of that — in many ways. You will likely try to minimize the threat by accepting the best treatment available, but still, the threat barged into your life and will probably, at least to some extent, remain forever.

• You need and deserve the healing gifts of mourning. We invite you to use this book to acquaint yourself with a variety of ways to mourn openly and honestly.

CARPE DIEM

Today, talk to someone about your cancer journey. Tell them the medical facts if you like, but more important, tell them how those facts make you feel inside.

5.

LOVE YOURSELF

"If there is a panacea or cure-all to life, it is self -love."

— Paul Solomon

• Someone once astutely observed, "Love is the highest, purest, most precious of all spiritual things." It is easier to express love to others than it is to ourselves. Yet, by feeling your own love more surely, you can be transformed and open yourself to hope and healing.

• Loving yourself starts with accepting yourself. If you, as a living, unique human being, are unable to value who you are, who can? If part of your need to mourn is anchored in recapturing your capacity to give love out, you must start by giving love in. You need to honor yourself right now. Nobody else can do it from the inside out.

• Loving yourself means recognizing you, seeing you, and honoring you. In part, it is about celebrating yourself. It is a privilege to be you, cancer or no cancer. You have been given the opportunity to feel, to see, to live life with both its challenges and opportunities. Sometimes, in the midst of the pain of your grief, you can forget this. You may feel alone, questioning your existence, not liking who you are, and being self-disparaging. Yet, even in the face of loss, remember: It is a gift to be alive, and just being born into the world is a compliment. Being able to give and receive love and then mourn your life losses is part of the beauty of being alive. If you forget to affirm the truth that "blessed are those who mourn," you insult the consciousness that gave you life.

CARPE DIEM

Dedicate this day to loving yourself. Find a quiet place to sit in stillness. Now, remind yourself of your inner beauty and unique self. Befriend your emotional and spiritual strengths, your humor, your intelligence, your sensitivity, your wisdom, your gifts. From this conscious, loving acceptance, your capacity to eventually open yourself to loving life again — even with cancer! — can come forth.

6.

FOCUS ON FIRST THINGS FIRST

"What happens when my body breaks down happens not just to that body but also to my life, which is lived in that body. When the body breaks down, so does the life."

— Arthur Frank

• Have you ever seen the psychologist Abraham Maslow's famous "hierarchy of needs"? It's a pyramid that shows the natural and normal priority of human needs.

• The base of the pyramid is formed by our physiological needs — in other words, the needs of our bodies. If you're in the middle of treatment right now, your body is under attack and will likely demand all your attention for a while. Get ample rest, eat as well as you can, stay hydrated, and ask for help with any pain you might be experiencing.

• Don't assume that you simply have to bear pain. If you are hurting, talk to your doctors about it. Ask to see a pain care specialist if need be. Controlling your pain as much as possible is essential to not just surviving but actually living in the weeks to come.

• Until your needs for physical comfort and safety are met, you simply can't move up the pyramid to address your social, emotional, and spiritual needs.

• Every day, focus on first things first. Take good care of yourself physically. Only if you are feeling well enough will you be able to engage with the people who care about you and with your own spirit. To focus on your own physical needs first is a strength, not a weakness.

CARPE DIEM

Ask yourself: How am I feeling physically right now, this very minute? Am I tired? Hungry? Stiff? In pain? Attend to your physical needs immediately.

7.

KEEP A JOURNAL

"From time to time, I'll look back through the personal journals I've scribbled in throughout my life, the keepers of my raw thoughts and emotions. The words poured forth after my dad died, when I went through a divorce, and after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. There are so many what-ifs scribbled on those pages."

— Hoda Kotb

• Cancer is a journey. So is grief.

• Have you ever noticed how the word "journey" and "journal" are similar? Both come from the French word jour, which means "day." As you journey through cancer and grief, one day a time, consider capturing your daily thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a journal.

• Even if you don't think of yourself as a writer and have never journaled before, I encourage you to give it a try now. Journaling is a form of outward expression of your interior reality. It's mourning! And as I've emphasized, mourning is how you move toward healing your grief and living and loving fully.

• Don't worry about the quality of your writing. That doesn't matter in the least. The only thing that matters is the honest expression and exploration of what you are thinking and feeling inside.

CARPE DIEM

Pick up a journal or empty notebook today and write for at least 15 minutes without stopping. See what comes out. Do it again tomorrow.

8.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #1: Acknowledge the reality of your diagnosis and prognosis

"Everything was going for me. I didn't even know the meaning of the word 'insecurity' and suddenly I am surrounded by words like 'operation,' 'cancer,' 'chemotherapy,' 'radiation.'"

— Delta Goodrem

• You have cancer. This is a difficult reality to accept. Yet gently, slowly, and patiently, you must embrace this reality, bit by bit, day by day.

• If you are in the early weeks and months of your cancer journey, you may still be struggling to accept this reality. It's common for this need of mourning to take a while. You will first acknowledge the reality of your cancer with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart.

• If you are many months or years into your cancer journey, you have probably come to acknowledge this reality. You have probably learned to live in the uncertain world of probabilities and maybes.

• Growing comfortable with speaking the words aloud may help you with this mourning need. Learning to say, "I have_____cancer" to friends, family members, and even strangers when the need arises will help you come to terms with the reality of your diagnosis and prognosis.

• At times you may push away the reality of your cancer. This is normal and necessary for your survival. You will come to integrate the reality in doses as you are ready.

CARPE DIEM

Maybe you've been keeping this reality from someone in your life. Today, tell this person.

9.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #2: Embrace the pain of your losses

"In the godforsaken, obscene quicksand of life, there is a deafening alleluia rising from the souls of those who weep, and of those who weep with those who weep. If you watch, you will see the hand of God putting the stars back in their skies one by one."

— Ann Weems

• This need requires people with cancer to embrace the pain of their losses — something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress, or push away the pain. It is in embracing your grief, however, that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.

• In the early days after your diagnosis, your pain may seem ever-present. Your every thought and feeling, every moment of every day, may seem consumed by painful thoughts and feelings about your diagnosis and prognosis. During this time, you will probably need to seek refuge from your pain now and then. Go for a walk, read a book, watch TV, talk to supportive friends and family about the normal things of everyday life.

• Despite what you may have heard, acknowledging the pain is not about "feeling sorry for yourself"; it is about being honest about how cancer is impacting your life.

• While you do need to embrace the pain of your losses from cancer, you must do it in doses, over time. You simply cannot take in the enormity of loss all at once. It's healthy to seek distractions and allow yourself bits of pleasure each day.

CARPE DIEM

If you feel up to it, allow yourself a time for embracing pain today. Dedicate 15 minutes to thinking about and feeling your losses from cancer. Reach out to someone who doesn't try to take your pain away and spend some time with him.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Healing Your Grieving Heart After a Cancer Diagnosis by Alan D. Wolfelt, Kirby J. Duvall. Copyright © 2014 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. and Kirby J. Duvall, M.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: Companion Press
• Publication date: 2014
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1617222003
• ISBN 13: 9781617222009
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 128