The Heart's Wisdom: A Practical Guide to Growing Through Love - Softcover

Vissell, Joyce; Vissell, Barry

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1573241555 ISBN 13: 9781573241557

Publisher: Conari Press,U.S., 1999

Synopsis

<p>With thirtyfive years of marriage and twentyfive years of clinical experience, popular workshop leaders and columnists Joyce and Barry Vissell have helped hundreds of people break the cycle of failed relationships by showing that a relationship is an opportunity to grow as an individualto connect deeply not just with another person but with your own heart as well.</p>

About this title

About the Author

<div> Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and a psychiatrist, and a couple for more than thirtyfive years, are the authors of five books: Meant to Be, The Heart's Wisdom, The Shared Heart, Models of Love, and Risk to Be Healed. <br><p>Popular speakers, they have offered programs at Omega Institute, New York Open Center, Interface, Whole Life Expos, and hundreds of churches. They are also the recipients of the Aquarian Award, a national honor given to those who have made a significant contribution toward world healing. They currently live at their center and home near Santa Cruz, California.</p> </div><br><div> Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and a psychiatrist, and a couple for more than thirtyfive years, are the authors of five books: Meant to Be, The Heart's Wisdom, The Shared Heart, Models of Love, and Risk to Be Healed. <br><p>Popular speakers, they have offered programs at Omega Institute, New York Open Center, Interface, Whole Life Expos, and hundreds of churches. They are also the recipients of the Aquarian Award, a national honor given to those who have made a significant contribution toward world healing. They currently live at their center and home near Santa Cruz, California.</p> </div><br><div> Hugh Prather was the author of 16 books, including <i>Spiritual Notes to Myself</i>, <i>Love and Courage</i>, <i>The Little Book of Letting Go</i>, <i>How to Live in the World and Still Be Happy</i>, and <i>Shining Through</i>. As a minister and radio talkshow host, he counseled couples, singles, teenagers, and families in crisis. He lived in with his wife, Gayle in Tucson, Arizona. </div>

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

The Heart's Wisdom

A Practical Guide to Growing Through Love

By JOYCE VISSELL, BARRY VISSELL

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

Copyright © 1999 Conari Press
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-155-7

Contents

Foreword
1 Our Life's Assignment
2 Lovers from Before
3 Light in the Mirror
4 "Being" the Will of God
5 Two Magic Ingredients: Gratitude and Appreciation
6 The Power of Appreciation and Constructive Criticism
7 The Perfect Partner
8 The Doubting Mind
9 Overcoming Our Fears of Relationship
10 From Codependence to Interdependence
11 Learning from the Mirror
12 Anger in the Mirror
13 The Importance of Saying "No"
14 Passion and Compassion
15 The Dance of Jealousy
16 Gifts from Disappointment
17 Will the Challenges Ever End?
18 Conscious Sacrifices
19 Relationship Transitions
20 Refilling the Cup of Love
21 The Path of Service
22 Love Is Forever
23 Completing Our Assignment
List of Practices
Acknowledgments
About the Authors

CHAPTER 1

Our Life's Assignment

The only thing you have to offer another human being, ever, is your own state ofbeing.

—Ram Dass

While we were writing this book, we sometimes wished we could travel to amountaintop and focus entirely on our writing. If we could only remove ourselvesfrom the activity of our day-to-day lives, we reasoned, we could more clearlywrite our deepest feelings about living from the heart.

It never happened. Our three children—eighteen-year-old Rami, thirteen-year-oldMira, and five-year-old John-Nuriel—each needed us in their own way. Inaddition, our commitment to helping others and our financial responsibilities(we built a new home and center) could not be abandoned. So, writing this bookhad to be juggled among homework needs, running a nonprofit, public serviceorganization, play rehearsals, counseling clients, before-school meetings, gamesof Uno, getting a young adult ready for college, hide and seek, and travel allover the country to conduct workshops. Sometimes we couldn't resist envyingother authors who could focus entirely on their writing.

In the final stages, however, we realized that working on the book in the midstof home, family, and service responsibilities has given our writing a specialquality. We didn't need to leave our involvement with the world in order to feellove within ourselves and for one another. Instead, we realized the highestspirituality is attained through loving ourselves and one another in the midstof all the interruptions and responsibilities of everyday life. Learning ourtrue purpose here on Earth—completing our soul assignment, if you will—requiresour willingness to behold two things: the beauty of our loved ones and of allbeings and things outside us and the beauty of our own being reflected back fromthe great mirror of life.

As the two of us have traveled throughout the country sharing our work, we haveoften heard people describe the same spiritual longing—a longing for deeperconnection not only with other people but with their own hearts as well. Many ofthe people we have met are trying to connect more deeply with themselves andwith others. Regardless of whether they are single or a couple, they aresearching for spiritual meaning in their lives and a deeper sense of peacewithin themselves.

We have met some people who, in their efforts to reach God, the light of allcreation, have avoided intimate relationships altogether. They believe the onlyway to attain true spiritual awakening is by shunning the world and itscomplexities. Often, these people are convinced that by remaining single andsolitary, they are coming closer to the highest spiritual awareness. Inaddition, we have met many couples who are experiencing difficulty in theirrelationship and who seriously doubt that being in relationship can possiblyenhance their spiritual growth.

Indeed, throughout the course of history, spirituality was often kept separatefrom relationships. Individuals following a spiritual discipline often felt theyneeded to stay away from relationships in order to awaken. In their minds, arelationship was thought to be a "worldly" activity, a departure from thespiritual path.

Through our own joining—a journey of thirty-five years so far—we have learnedsomething very different about the nature of spiritual awakening andrelationships. We believe that the essence of every individual is a vastspiritual energy, a radiant light that is helping us to grow and unfold thepetals of a magnificent flower. That flower, that magnificent inner light, isus—our real identity. It is only by knowing this deepest part of ourselves thatwe can acquire true wisdom, true happiness, and "the peace that passes allunderstanding."

In addition, we have learned that the process of joining with another can be asacred path. Far from being an obstacle to our spiritual development,relationships can actually be catalysts for the unfolding of the flower ofourselves. Walking the path of relationship deepens the soul's capacity forcompassion and the heart's capacity for embracing love, and helps us tounderstand love's cycles of giving and receiving. The closer we come to another,the better we come to know ourselves, and, in so doing, the closer we come toGod, the ever-present light and love within and all around us.

In this book, you may find many new ideas, but to us they're not new at all—they'reas old as love itself. Unfortunately, much of the wisdom about lovinghas simply been lost in our culture. We have written this book to reclaim thatlost wisdom, and we hope to help it root once again in our present-day world.

One of the ideas at the heart of this book that may seem new to some readers isthe image of relationship as a soul mirror. Through this metaphor, we hope toshow people how every relationship—no matter its duration or configuration—is amirror in which they can see and understand the deeper, hidden parts ofthemselves. No one can grow spiritually without introspection, a journey insidethemselves. A mirror is a device for looking at ourselves, for seeing the partsof ourselves that are difficult, if not impossible, to see without this help.Every relationship offers us just such a reflection of ourselves, if we arewilling to look, and learn, and grow. Yet more than merely showing us ourdefects and shortcomings, and how we need to grow, the mirror of relationshipcan, more important, help us see our own beauty and lovability. Through theprocess of loving and being loved in return, we can reclaim our true spiritualgreatness.

The Path's Three Phases

We have learned that the path of spiritual awakening and the path ofrelationship have much in common. Each has three main phases. The first is the"heavenly glimpse." Whether it be a glimpse of the light of God (within us) or aglimpse of the light of a lover (outside us), we have a momentary view of thesame light. It is just as uplifting to see the light within our own heart as itis to see the light within the heart of our beloved. This first phase is the"honeymoon" phase, complete with its thrill of newness and the excitement ofdiscovery.

The second phase of both spiritual and relationship awakening is the journeypast the obstacles that stand in the way of love. The "honeymoon" is over(although elements of its newness can be felt from time to time), and this isthe time to learn the many necessary lessons about life and love. On thepersonal spiritual path, it is the time when we confront the dark side of ourpersonality, the parts of us that rob us of our peace. On the path ofrelationship, it is the time when we illuminate the interaction between our ownand our partner's dark sides.

The third phase of the spiritual and relationship path is service. As our cupfills with love, our natural desire is to give from overflow, to offer joyfullyto the world the love and the help we ourselves have received. Service issharing the fruits of our personal spiritual growth and our relationship.

Furthermore, the spiritual and relationship journeys are not linear, one phasefollowing the next. All three phases can be happening at the same time. Servingand helping others can teach us even more lessons about unconditional love,which, in turn, can create more newness and "honeymoon-like" joy. In addition,all of evolution follows an upward spiral. We may seem to go full circle, endingup in a similar place to where we began, but we are never in the same place. Weare on the next level of the spiral, perhaps near the old place, but with moreunderstanding and wisdom.

We have written The Heart's Wisdom as a kind of guidebook to help you integratethese two paths, the path of spiritual growth and the path of relationship.Throughout the book, we hope we have made it clear that these two pathscontinually overlap, that your personal spiritual growth enriches yourrelationships and your relationships enrich your spiritual awakening. Althoughthe two of us have been in a very long-term committed relationship, we believethis book can be helpful for anyone, no matter what your relationshipcircumstance. Single, married, divorced, dating, looking for that specialsomeone, we are always in relationship—to ourselves and with those around us.

One of our greatest hopes is that this book can help you to learn to accept andlove all the parts of yourself and to embrace all the soul lessons of life andrelationship.

CHAPTER 2

Lovers from Before

Lovers do not meet somewhere along the way. They're in each other's hearts fromthe beginning.

—Rumi

The relationship between barry and me seemed to begin before we met at ageeighteen. It had been one of the main themes of my childhood play and fantasy:to reunite with my beloved. By the time we met, it felt like we had been in loveour whole lives.

I remember as a child being sent to my room when I was crying or upset. Perhapsmy parents were trying to understand my feelings, but in my young mind and heartI felt alone. I remember so clearly how, during one of those times, I heard aninner voice speak to me. I had never had this experience before and listenedcarefully to the message. It told me that when I was grown, I would meet a manwho would understand my feelings, that I would recognize him as a tall, dark-haireddoctor who would become my best friend. From early childhood, I trustedthis message, which came to me over and over again whenever I felt that no oneunderstood me.

Barry and I found each other in a clumsy, youthful way. I remember, when I metBarry during my first year in college, the surge of energy that shot through mewhen he told me he was a premedical student. We eyed each other with mixedfeelings. Neither one of us felt particularly attracted to the other'sappearance, yet we could not deny an energy that flowed between us.

Two days after we met, we had our first date to see a movie. We hurried back tomy college dorm to meet the curfew time. Mrs. Peabody, the elderly dorm mother,was waiting by the glass door.

"You have two minutes to get inside," she snapped at me and continued to peerthrough the glass.

Oblivious to Mrs. Peabody's stern observation, we kissed for the first time. Inthat moment, a door to another world flew open, and it was as if we recognizedone another. Standing in a daze, I heard Mrs. Peabody open the door. She pulledme inside and shut the door on Barry.

That kiss changed my life forever. Our young hearts were hardly ready for thepower of our connection, but our first kiss revealed a love that seemed to haveexisted for eternity. Barry, my tall, skinny, awkward eighteen-year-oldboyfriend, really seemed to be my beloved for all time past and all time tocome. We had found each other and yet couldn't fully comprehend the blessing. Ifeel so much gratitude to have found Barry so early in life and to still beliving with him.

Many religions hold sacred the belief that lovers have known each other beforecoming into this world, and will know each other again—that our loving has apurpose far beyond the limitations of our own understanding.

Over the years, the following image has often come to me, so vivid I believe itmust be a memory: I can remember being in a circle of many souls. Barry and Iare apart from each other. There is a great love and union among all of thesesouls. We are under the guidance of great light and spiritual energy, and arepreparing to come to Earth. Each one is being given an assignment or gift togive while on Earth. Each is called upon and asked to spread the light and loveof God in various ways. Barry and I are called up simultaneously and asked towork together to help bring more light into human relationships. We feel deeplove for each other and for our Creator. Our purpose on Earth is blessed by thelight, and we are given one instruction: Love one another completely and letthat love overflow to others in healing and guidance. There are other soulsgiven the same assignment. We know that all the help we need will come from ourcontact with the light.

Barry and I feel that this light is present in all heart connections. Weunderstand that the highest work we can do is to love one another completely,but there are times when our egos cringe at having to be together. Each of ushas had moments when we have wanted to give up on our relationship and just bealone. We also have lessons to learn and personalities that sometimes clash andcause each other pain. We've had to do much work on our relationship and havemuch more to do. Sometimes we both wish our relationship could be a littleeasier. As with many people, our minds seek the easy way out. However, ourhearts, which hold the vision of our purpose together, seek to be with someonewho will help each of us on our spiritual journey, no matter how difficult.

We believe the lesson for others in our story is this: When looking for yourspiritual partner, for the relationship that has already been blessed in"heaven," keep your heart open. Your partner may not appear to be what your mindthinks it wants. You may be in for a big surprise! If you are listening in yourheart, you will recognize your partner. If you listen to your head about whatyou want, you may miss this special person altogether.

After our first kiss, Barry and I set out to get to know each other. We figuredout a way to avoid the scrutiny of Mrs. Peabody. We'd meet in the cafeteria, andI would come back to my room through the basement. We realized we were breakingthe rules, but there was just too much to talk about. Barry told me all the mostembarrassing, shameful, and confusing times of his life—all in our secondconversation! There was a comfort in talking to one another that neither of ushad ever experienced. A pressure was released as we shared everything that hadhappened in the eighteen years we had been on Earth. Everything was met withlove and acceptance. We felt so much at home.

Then came the evening Barry told me he was Jewish. It was such a shock! I hadassumed he was Protestant like me, since we were both going to Hartwick College,a small Protestant school. He had assumed that my last name, Wollenberg, wasJewish. This revelation saddened us and brought us to the realization that wecould never marry. We would have to "just be friends." Before, our hearts wereopening in love to each other. Now, with the news of our different religions,our minds began to take over to protect ourselves from the seemingly inevitableloss, because we each felt we could never marry outside our religion. At thattime, in 1964, it seemed an insurmountable obstacle. Our hearts even then feltthey had found the perfect spiritual partner. Our minds, however, were alreadyrejecting each other because of our different religions. Still, our lips keptfinding their way together and thus helped to bring us back to the awareness ofour spiritual union and purpose together.

The first four years of our relationship were a bittersweet mixture of love andconfusion. Between the many attempts to free ourselves from each other, therewas, nevertheless, a deepening of love and respect, as well as the powerfulphysical passion of our youth. Attempts to rid ourselves of each other were asuseless as trying to change our own reflections in the mirror. So we keptreturning to the embrace of lovers.

Once we realized how difficult it would be to separate from one another, ourscheming minds planned strategies that would change each other to fit our ownpictures of the perfect partner. However, we were (and are) both much toostubborn; any effort to change the other was met with resistance and evenhostility. Finally, there was one thing left to do: we gave up our minds' ideasof how the other should change. Fortunately for us, our hearts won over ourminds. Barry and I accepted each other, differences and all, and were married onDecember 21, 1968. We feel our wedding was simply a reenactment of the union inmy heavenly memories. Though we were in the early stages of spiritual awakening,we each felt a strong presence of light blessing us. The tears in our eyesduring the ceremony seemed to wash away the veil that hid the deep memory of ourprior union and blessing.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Heart's Wisdom by JOYCE VISSELL, BARRY VISSELL. Copyright © 1999 Conari Press. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: Conari Press,U.S.
• Publication date: 1999
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1573241555
• ISBN 13: 9781573241557
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 252