2024 - Hardcover

Rall, Ted

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 1561632791 ISBN 13: 9781561632794

Publisher: NBM Publishing Company, 2001

Synopsis

Move forward two decades and see the world where giant media moguls and software corporations have become our big brothers. They want the best for us. They know what's best for us. And what is best for us we have chosen ourselves, to be a consumer heaven with no questions asked. A terrifying future where the past doesn't matter and no one cares. Ted Rall updates and spoofs 1984 in a scathing look at where we could be heading. His best and most chillingly funny work to date.

About this title

About the Author

Twice winner of the Robert F. Kennedy Journalism Award and a Pulitzer Prize finalist, Ted Rall is a syndicated editorial cartoonist and columnist for Universal Press Syndicate. His previous books include To Afghanistan and Back, and Revenge of the Latchkey Kids.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

2024

By Ted Rall

Nantier Beall Minoustchine Publishing

Copyright © 2003 Ted Rall
All right reserved.
ISBN: 9781561632794

Chapter One

IT WAS A BRIGHT HOT DAY IN APRIL, AND THE BATTEREDTEXAS INSTRUMENTS WATCH ON WINSTON'S WRIST, PURCHASEDIN A MOMENT OF IRONIC CONSUMERISM AT A FLEA MARKET,WAS BEEPING THIRTEEN.

WINSTON NODDED AT THE BORED DESKATTENDANT AND SCANNED HIMSELFINTO HIS LUXE/RIVER VU/2 BR INBATTERY PARK TOWER D. HE WAS ONEOF THE LUCKY ONES-HE KNEW THAT.

INSIDE, A SCREENFLICKERED, CASEYCASEM, JR.'S VOICEREADING OFF A LONGLIST OF CONSUMERGOODS AVAILABLE ATBARGAIN PRICES.

DAMN BROWNOUTS!

SOMETIMES, WINSTONWONDERED WHY WEB TVNEVER TURNED OFF, BUT HEWAS A WORD GUY-HE DIDN'TUNDERSTAND INTERNALCOMBUSTION, MUCH LESSMICROTECH. ALL HE KNEWWAS, HE LOVED TRADINGPOINTS TO BUY THINGS. ANDALL THAT MATTERED WASGETTING BY, GETTING AHEADAND GETTING DEAD.

YOU ARETHE HIGHBIDDER.YOU HAVEBEEN DEBITED114 UNITS.

YES! I'M THE FUCKING KING!

OUTSIDE THE TRIPLE-PANEDWINDOW, THE GLEAMING CITYBAKED UNDER THE OZONE-FREESUN. JUST A FEW BLOCKSAWAY, WINSTON'S OFFICE ATFREEDOM MEDIA OVERLOOKEDTHE UBIQUITOUS SLOGANS OFTHE NEW MILLENNIAL PROTOCOL.

SCATTERED ABOUT THE CITY WERE THE THREEORGANS OF THE CORPORATE-GOVERNMENT COMPLEX:

INDEPENDENT TECHNOLOGIES,WHICHOWNED ALL THETECHNOLOGY COMPANIESAND LICENSEDNEW ONES.

POPULIST PARTYHEADQUARTERS,WHICH CONCERNEDITSELF WITHSTIFLING INDEPENDENTTHOUGHT.

FREEDOM MEDIAENTERPRISES, AMULTINATIONALTHAT OWNED ANDCENSORED THEPRESS, RADIO ANDWEB TV.

WINSTON AWOKE FROM HIS SHOPPING REVERIE WITH A START.

WHAT THEHELL AM ITHINKING?

BIOGRAPHYOF WILLIAMGATESSECURED AND BILLED.

HE'D SPENT (3?) HOURS BUYINGSTUFF HE DIDN'T LIKE, HALF OFWHICH WAS ALREADY EN ROUTE.

IT HAD BEEN ANOTHERPERFECT DAY. WINSTONPREPARED FOR BED, SUBCONSCIOUSLY BLOCKING HIS SCREEN.

NATURALLY, WEB TV'SSIGNAL WENT THOUGH FLESH.

EARLIER THAT DAY, WINSTONCOMMITTED A SERIOUS CRIME.IT WAS THE ONLY FELONYBESIDES POSSESSION OF DRUGSOR UTTERING OBSCENITIES.

IS THIS THEREAL MEMORYENHANCER 4.0?

KINDAIT'S A REALI.T.BOOTLEG.

PEOPLE HAD SPENT 5YEARS IN A SLAVELABOR CAMP OVERBOOTLEGGED GAMES-BUT ITWAS WELL WORTH THE RISK.

AND THAT WASN'T THE WORSTOF IT. WINSTON SPENT HOURSIN THE CHATROOM, DISCUSSINGANAL SEX WITH LIBERTARIANSFROM THE KYRGYZ REPUBLIC.

I'VE JUST SENTYOU NAUGHTY PIX.PLEASE DOWNLOAD.

AREN'TTHOSE-?OKAY.

HE LIKED THE CHALLENGE OFRIDICULING HIS OPPONENTS'ARGUMENTS. BUT EVEN SO,THE BEST PART WAS USINGHIS BOSS' ACCOUNT.

ALTHOUGH A FEW KEYSTROKESLAID WASTE TO THE FREE-THINKERS,HE HAD A BIGWEAKNESS. HE COULDN'TREMEMBER ANYTHING FROMTHE PAST WITH ANY DEGREEOF CERTAINTY.

DID I PAYTHE STUDENTLOAN? YES.NO, WAIT-NO.

HE VAGUELY RECALLED ASERIES OF DIVORCES ANDREMARRIAGES DURING HISCHILDHOOD-PERHAPS 30OR 38, MAYBE MORE-ANDSOME POLITICAL UPHEAVALTHAT DIDN'T CONCERN HIM.

SON YOUR MOM AND I ARE SPUTTING.

YEAH, YEAH-IKNOW YOUSTILL LOVEME AND SHIT.

THERAPISTS HAD NEVERHELPED HIM. WOMEN BOREDTHE SHIT OUT OF HIM, AND HEWAS HAPPY: IT GAVE HIMMORE TIME TO SPEND ONHIMSELF, THINKING ABOUT NADA.

WHAT ELSE WAS THERE?ALL FACT, ALL LANGUAGE-EVENEXISTENCE ITSELF-HADBEEN PROVEN TOTALLYARBITRARY. NEOPOSTMODERNISMWAS THE PINNACLEOF THOUGHT. PARADOXICALLY,IT WAS ALSO THE UTTERABSENCE OF THOUGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU'RE SORACIST!

RACISM ISARBITRARY!KNOWLEDGEIS DEAD!

THE NEXT DAY AS HE LEFT WORKTHROUGH TECH SQUARE, AFAMILIAR IMAGE APPEARED ON THEFAMOUS UNIVISION: THE PRESIDENT!

THE EUROS HAVE BEEN ILLEGALLY DUMPINGTHEIR PRODUCTS HERE IN THE CANAMEXICUSAFEE ECONOMIC ZONE. WE MUST IMPOSESANCTIONS ON THE ANTI-FREE MARKETEERS!

FUCKIN' A!

DAMN RIGHT!

THE PRESIDENT WASRIGHT! THE EC BASTARDSWERE OUT TO DESTROYSOCIETY! THESE SCUMHAD TO BE STOPPEDNO MATTER WHAT!

YOU LOOK 15%EUROPEAN-MAYBEI OUGHTTO BEAT YOU PURE!

YOU'REWELCOMETO TRY!

THERE WAS A COUPLE OF THEMRIGHT THERE! WINSTON TOREINTO THEM AS THEY DESERVED!

NO! I'M RUSSIAN!

LIAR!

THE COUPLE BARELY ESCAPEDDEATH BEFORE THINGS GOTSTRAIGHTENED OUT.

NO, IDIOTS-RUSSIA IS A CANAMEXICUSAN ALLY!HAVEN'T YOU MORONSWATCHED YOUR WEB?

WINSTON RECOGNIZEDTHE BURLY MAN IN THECROWD ALMOSTINSTANTANEOUSLY.

HEY, THAT'STHE NEW S.V.P.-I DIDN'T KNOWHE ACTUALLYEXISTED!

BEFORE THE NEWS CONFERENCEHAD PROCEEDED FOR THIRTYMORE SECONDS, UNCONTROLLABLEEXCLAMATIONS OF RAGE SWEPTTHE CROWD. DESPITE PROPOSEDLAWS TO BAN THEM, A GAY-PRIDEPARADE IN SAN FRANCISCO WASENCOURAGING THE SPREAD OFDISEASE AND THE DESTRUCTION OFHETEROSEXUAL FAMILY VALUES!

THESE FLAMBOYANTPERVERTS AREFLOUTING DECENCY-AGAIN!AND THEPOLICE, WHO OUGHTTO BE ARRESTINGTHEM, ARE TOOOVERWHELMED TO ACT!

THE HATRED ROSE TO AFRENZY. NOW HOMOSWERE LURING CHILDRENBY ABUSING WEB TV!

SWINE!SWINE!

DAWN WAS 12 WHENA LESBIAN ILLEGALIMMIGRANT INSTANT-MESSAGED HER ...

HOW MUCH WORSE COULD ITGET? MILITIA NUTS OUTWEST HAD BLOWN UP A KEYCORPORATE HEADQUARTERS.

YOU SCHUM! MY LEGALLY-PURCHASEDPRODUCTSWERE IN THAT BUILDING!

UNITED SHIPPINGWILL REOPENA WEEK FROMMONDAY, ACCORDINGTO CANAMEXICUSANAUTHORITIES.

IF THE SOCIAL ORDERIS EVER TO FALL APART,IT'LL BE BECAUSE OFLEFTISTS OR RIGHTISTS!

I'D GANG-RAPE THEMAND CHOKETHEM TO DEATH WITHTHEIR OWNCOCKS.

THESE EXTREMISTSTHREATENED EVERYTHING WINSTON CARED ABOUT-THEY HAD TO BE KILLED!

FORTUNATELY, NOBODYTOOK THEM SERIOUSLY ...THEY WERE RELICS OFTHE INDUSTRIAL PAST.

WINSTON RETURNEDTO TECH SQUARE,KNOWING IN ADVANCETHAT HE WOULD SEETHE LOUDMOUTHEDWOMAN AGAIN.

THE HEATHENSARE TRYING TOTAKE GODOUT OF THE CLASSROOM!

SWINE!SWINE!

KILL'EMALL!!

SHE WAS TYPICAL UPPER MANAGEMENT:HARD, PIERCED AND VAPID.HE WANTED TO HATE HER, BUTTHE MORE HE FANTASIZED ABOUTMURDERING HER, THE MORE HISPITY TURNED INTO LUST.

KILL ATHEISTS!

KILL ATHEISTS!

WHAT A HOTTIE!

HE KNEW HIS EMOTIONS CAME FROMA MOVIE, YET THEY FELT GENUINE.

HE WAS ABOUT TO USE A LINEFROM A MUSIC VIDEO ON HER-FUCKCOPYRIGHT LAW!-WHEN HE SAW A NEW STORE HE WANTEDTO CHECK OUT AND FORGOT ALLABOUT THE GIRL.

IS THIS THEOFFICIALBOOTLEG ORTHE BOOTLEGTHEREOF?

HUH? UH,YEAH.

THAT'S WHEN HENOTICED THE BOSSBUY STARING AT HIM.DAMN FAGGOT! HE'DPAY FOR HIS PERVERSEIMPERTINENCE!

REPORTING SEXUAL AGGRESSIONWAS BLISSFULLY SIMPLE.

WE JUST GOT THE PERP'SDNA, HE'LL BE ARRESTEDTODAY.

COOL!

JUSTICE MADE WINSTONTHIRSTY, SO HE DECIDEDTO VISIT A TRENDY BARTHAT SERVED ONLY LATTESAND MARGARITAS.

LATTE ORMARG? ANDQUIT STARINGAT MY TITS.

HE NEVER TALKED TO ANYONE.WHY BOTHER? PEOPLE WEREMORE INTERESTING IN THEONLINE ETHER THAN IN THE"REAL" WORLD. BESIDES, NOONE PERSON KNEW ANYTHINGMORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.EDUCATION WAS UNIFORM,EXPERIENCE WAS STANDARDIZED,AND ORIGINALITY WASRUTHLESSLY STOMPED OUT.

OK. I ADMITIT. I DIDN'TWATCH THEULTRABOWL.

FAG.

THE CHAIN BAR-CAFI'SBEVERAGES WERE BITTERAND OVERPRICED, BUTEVERYONE DRANK THEMANYWAY BECAUSE THEYWERE SO POPULAR.

HEY, HOW ABOUT THATI.P.O., HUH? HAVE AGOOD ONE!

UH-HUH.

FOR GOD KNEW HOW LONG, SOMEPRANKSTER HAD BEENCLOGGING WINSTON'S INBOXWITH REPEATEDLY. RESENTFILES. AS USUAL, HEREPORTED THE OFFENDER TOTHE WEBMASTER.

DAMMIT! BOTH THEWAR DIARIES ANDNOTEBOOKS FOR ANETHICS IN ONE E-MAIL?

THAT AFTERNOON, F.M.E.SECURITY NABBEDTHE CULPRIT. THEY'DTRACKED HIM THROUGHAN OLD SATELLITE CODEHE'D FORGOTTEN TO PURGE.

IN 3 MONTHS ALL THE SOAP INLUXEMBOURG WILL TASTE LIKE YOU.

KNOW YOUR LEVEL

IT HAD BEEN A PAINFULLY LONGDAY, AND ALL WINSTON COULDTHINK ABOUT WAS PLAYING HISNEW GAME. BUT THEN-

OH-HI,MRS.PARSONS.

IT'S THECHILDREN.THEY HAVEN'TGONE OUTALL DAY.

HOW IRONIC! WINSTONCOULDN'T AFFORD KIDSOF HIS OWN, BUT HEHAD TO TAKE CARE OFHIS NEIGHBORS' SO THEYCOULD GO OUT DRINKING.

IT'S A DOUBLE-HEADER,SO WE SHOULD BE BACKIN A FEW HOURS.

WORST OF ALL, THE LITTLE BRATSWERE DRONES IN TRAINING.THEY PLAYED AT INFOTECH,THREATENING WINSTON WITHGETTING FIRED AND BLACKBALLED.SOMEDAY THEY'D BECOME EXECS;THEN IT WOULD BE TOO LATE TOEVER RESTORE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

SURE! I'D LOVETO SEE YOUR NOTES TO WINDOWS 2024.

I'M INTOSMALL CAPSTOCKS.

ME TOO!

HAD THERE EVER BEENGOOD OLD DAYS? ITDEPENDED ON WHOYOU ASKED ... BUT NOONE REALLY CAREDANYWAY.

BEFORE-BEFORE WHEN?-HISTORY HAD BEEN REVISED.BUT THE DEMISE OF PRINT MEANT THAT ELECTRONICARCHIVES COULD BE EDITED WITH A FEW KEYSTROKES,OR SIMPLY DELETED. AND WITH MINDS CLUTTERED BYSPORTS STATISTICS, SONG LYRICS AND PLOT LINES, NOPERSON COULD TRUST HIS RECOLLECTION OF YESTERYEAR.

FINALLY WINSTON MADEIT BACK TO HISOVERPRICED, UNDERFURNISHEDUNIT.

KICK ASS! I'M ONLEVEL 5!

WITHIN HOURS, WINSTONKNEW HIS NEW GAME INSIDEOUT.IT WAS OVER. HE WASBORED. AND NOTHING WASWORSE THAN BEING BORED.

I COULD HAVE A BEER ORI COULD JERK OFF OR ICOULD DO BOTH.

SUDDENLY: BREAKING NEWS!

A GLORIOUS VICTORYFOR AMALGAMATEDSEMICONDUCTOR: THEACQUISITION OFCONSOLIDATED ZONALCO.BOTH COMPANIES'SHARES ARE IN PLAY!

ANALYSTS EXPECTTHIS MEGAMERGERTO RESULT IN THELAYOFF OF 120,000WORKERS, 64%OF WHOM WILLPLUNGE INTOPOVERTY.

ON NEWS OF THEMOVE, TEKTRONIS UP 3 1/8 ONTHE MANAGUANIGHT MARKET.

COMING UP:THE HOURIN ENTERTAINMENT.

KICK ASS!I NAB625 UNITS!

ONCE AGAIN, MADONNA HASREINVENTED HERSELF! BODYREARRANGEMENT SURGERY HASGIVEN HER A BOLD NEW"UNICORN" LOOK. NOW LET'SHEAR HER NEW HIT SONG "34.2".

HEH.

WINSTON WAS PLEASED,ALBEIT IN AN IRONIC WAY.

DOWN IN THE STREET THEWIND FLAPPED A CORPORATEFLAG TO AND FRO, AND THEWORD INDIETEK FITFULLYAPPEARED AND VANISHED.

INDIETEK: THE CORNERSTONEOF THE ECONOMY,AND THEREFORE THENATION ITSELF. WHATCOULD A SINGLE MAN DOAGAINST SUCH POWER-AND WHY WOULD ANYONEWANT TO?

WHEREVER HE WENT, WHEREVERHE LOOKED, ADVERTISING TOLDWINSTON WHAT TO WEAR, WHERETO GO AND WHO TO LOVE. ANDIT HAD WORKED OUT: HE'D NEVERBEEN HUNGRY OR COLD, NOR HADANYONE HE'D MET.

THAT'S ANICE SHIRT

ALL THAT WAS ASKEDFOR-NOT ASKED, BUTIMPLIED-WAS APATHY.AND CONFORMITYMEANT POPULARITY.AND THAT WAS FUN!

HEY-COOL SHIRT!

THANKS

HUMANITY HAD ARRIVED ATTHE HIGHEST STAGE OFDEVELOPMENT: ANARCHO-CAPITALISM AND SUBSIDIARYGOVERNMENT. HISTORYHAD ENDED IN 1991, SOTHERE WAS NOTHINGBETTER TO DO THAN HAVEA GOOD TIME BEFOREONE CROAKED.

47 MILITIANUTS DIEDIN THE RAID.

TOO BAD LIFE'S NOTWORKING OUT FOR THEM.

WINSTON WAS DREAMING OF HISSECOND STEPMOTHER.

HE'D COLLAPSED AFTER THESMART PILLS HE'D GOTTENFROM SOME GUY KICKED IN.

HE MUST HAVE BEEN 10OR 11 YEARS OLD WHENHIS SECOND STEPMOTHERDISAPPEARED. SHE WAS ASTUMPY, MASCULINEWOMAN WITH A BAD DYEJOB, BUT SHE'D ADOREDHIM.

SHE'D TAUGHT HIM HOW TODRAW, BUT HE'D FORGOTTENHIS SKILLS AFTER THE DEMISEOF TREES HAD ELIMINATEDPAPER.

BUT SHE'D MET SOME GIRLONLINE AND RUN OFF TO"EXPLORE" HER SEXUALITY.HE'D NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

HMM ...CUTECHICK

SUDDENLY HE AWOKE WITHA START.

THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENED ...THE BITCH MADE ME LIVE IN THEBASEMENT!

THAT'S ANAWFUL STORY ...WHAT A BITCH!

I LIKE TOTHINK THATSHE MUSTHAVE HADISSUES.

LATER, AT WORK

THE DAY PASSED SLOWLY.FINALLY: THE FAVORITETIME OF WINSTON'S DAY!

GREAT GAME,HUH?

AS THE SWEAT POURED OUTOF HIS BODY, WINSTONPLAYED MIND GAMES.

DID ROGER MUDD GOTO JAIL? WHO WASWOODWARD BERNSTEIN?WASN'T AMALGAMATEDPAPERS ONCE CALLEDMANHATTAN?

HE REMEMBERED SOME FACTOIDSWITH TOTAL CERTAINTY, BUTHE DIDN'T TRUST HIMSELF: OFTENHE'D CHECKED OUT HIS KNOWLEDGE AFTER SOME FACELESSWEBMASTER HAD ALTERED IT.

THE LAST ELECTIONWAS IN '08 ... BUCHANANWOULD HAVE WON OVERDE BEERS IF IT HADN'TBEEN ANNULLED ...IS THAT RIGHT?

SITES WENT OUT OFBUSINESS. HACKERSRAN AMOK. TEXTATTRIBUTED TO ANAUTHOR FREQUENTLYWAS WRITTEN BY ANIMPOSTER. INFORMATIONWAS FLUID,UNRELIABLE ANDMUTABLE. "YOU JUSTCAN'T ARGUE WITHNEOPOSTMODERNISM,"PEOPLE LIKED TO SAYWITH A WINK.

NO, NO, NO-THATWAS IN'06. READTHE 17.1VERSION.

BUT I HEARDTHAT THINGWAS FULLOF BUGS!

Continues...

Excerpted from 2024by Ted Rall Copyright © 2003 by Ted Rall. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: NBM Publishing Company
• Publication date: 2001
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1561632791
• ISBN 13: 9781561632794
• Binding: Hardcover
• Number of pages: 96