Trapped in My Mind: Rescue Me - Softcover

L.P. MD., .

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1546224912 ISBN 13: 9781546224914

Publisher: AuthorHouse, 2018

Synopsis

The author decided to write Trapped in My Mind for herself and for others who have experienced disturbing moments in their lives. She underwent the most unpredictable and painful episode that a human being can go through. She hopes that sharing this experience with you will teach you and herself how to make a difference in the way people interact with one anotherthat together we will learn how to love and be compassionate and caring. However, she fears that all is gone now. What you are going to read is not a work of fiction, nor is it a love story. Its as real as the sky. In Trapped in My Mind, the author shares a very dramatic episode that recently happened to her. It is a treatise to societythat we must open our eyes and listen to the illness that might be lurking within and might hit us badly. If, through sharing, she can change how people perceive or judge just one person experiencing what she went through, she will have achieved her goal. This is why she is sharing her own story, sharing her mind. The events that transpire in Trapped in My Mind are real and have affected many lives, mostly the authors. When you see someone, anyone, wandering while talking to himself or herself, what do you think? What comes to your mind? Probably nothing. Or perhaps you just stare at the person. Maybe you even make fun of the person or just ignore the situation entirely. In truth, its a question that probably most of us dont know how to answer. When you have finished reading Trapped in My mind, you will probablythe author hopes, we will all probablybe able to better comprehend and learn how to react in any specific situation you might be involved in or witness along your path in life. We know so little about our minds and brains. But the author of Trapped in My Mind does know that the mind has a limitthat it cant take too much and continue to handle the situations we deal with on a daily basis. There are multiple ways to cope in life. Some people drink to forget. Others use drugs and so on to defend themselves, to protect themselves. But sometimes, the author would say that, more than we know, the mind shuts down perhaps because its the only way our minds know to manage a unique situation that could otherwise hurt us whatever that situation may be. The author was inspired to write Trapped in My Mind for those whove come out of just such a state of mindbecause they fought and they won. They were lost, and they found themselves. To all of you, she extends her sincerest congratulations and adds that you are strong and deserve the best of the best.

About this title

About the Author

The author is a fifty-eight-year-old, divorced, female medical doctor. She is slim and very outgoing. Much of her life was raising here kids; she was mom, dad, and provider for about thirteen years. During those days, she felt strong and, many times, weak at the same time. She was struggling a lot to make a living for her family. She was literally working 24-7, living more in hospitals than in her house. She needed to be strong to survive. She never complained, believing that, in life, you need to do whatever it takes to make living worth it. She was just living day by day on her precious island full of amazing memories with hidden secrets; then everything changed. In those years, she was waiting for a phone call, waiting for few words: I want you back. It didnt happen. She knew that her children were at that age when they needed her most. Days and weeks passed quickly; time flew by. She did her best to give most of herself to her family and her career. She didnt realize that her insides were getting emptier and emptieruntil a time would come when she felt there was nothing left. She remarried a man whose career as a project manager required him to travel frequently. They both had careers with multiple responsibilities and made each other a promise that the author remembers dearlythat they would never live apart, no matter what. It was a promise that was never respected. At time of writing Trapped in My Mind, the author was actively working as a physician, or she was. She has been very grateful for my job and has always been very conscious about the responsibility of her career. She loves what she does for a living; its one of here passions. She has too much to give, too much to love. She used to enjoy the outdoors, dancing, and everything in a way that filled her days with energy. Since she was a kid, she would write here and there just for herself. This time, she will share a deep experience that recently crossed my path and probably changed her life forever. This situation occurred about a month prior to this writing, in May 2015.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Trapped in My Mind

Rescue Me

By Luz Pratt

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2018 L.P. MD.,
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-5462-2491-4

CHAPTER 1

The Beginning

I was working out of state — to be more specific, Arizona. I was living in a nice hotel, the Residence Inn Marriott. The Arizonians were very open and talkative; I felt welcomed by them. I went to my training for this assignment, and it went well. I was excited to be starting a short-term job. It would last for about a month, so I would have new coworkers for a short period of time. By that time, my husband was again overseas, so I had chosen to travel. I didn't want to be alone anymore; there was too much of nothing and everything. So, I decided to travel

In Arizona, at the beginning, while driving my car, I started asking myself, Is this the right move? But I realized it was too late; I had already gone too far, and I would have to accomplish this assignment. In the beginning, I didn't know the roads. I guess that was normal, given this was my first time in Arizona. The first two to three weeks were not too different from my previous job. However, I will say that there were fewer hours of work. My patients had different illnesses. They needed to be taken good care of; they needed to talk and be listened to. I was excited because I knew that most diseases are not properly diagnosed, as people just hear but don't listen. My days went on with not too much change. I lacked sleep, as usual. I woke up every morning and started my routine — coffee, prayers, take a shower, get dressed, no breakfast (no time for that) jump in the rental car, and start my day.

Usually the days ran smoothly but were busy. I gave the best of myself with all the knowledge and love I could give. I never regretted the work, but again, there was not always time to have lunch. The day ended, and I got to the car and back to the hotel — to the loneliness, the empty room, with nothing and no one there.

However, as soon I was out of the work environment, strange feelings started filling my insides. I couldn't explain what was happening. Perhaps it was the loneliness, the lack of energy, feeling drained, and having no stamina at all. There was no life inside of me. I realized that I'd had these feelings for years, always masking them with a smile. The patients became family in my heart. Hi, Sir/ Ma'am. How can I help you? That was my introduction to each one of them.

In my personal life, I tried to give all of myself to my family. Those days were stressful; I needed to accomplish my mission in earth. I was living a life phase and wasn't paying too much attention to myself.

Looking back now, I realize that I had, indeed, been having those feelings and thoughts for years. I used to say, Tomorrow will be better; everything will feel normal. But what is normalcy? Nobody knows. Your body keeps moving forward, but your mind goes backward, stuck without any warnings. Did I ignore or deny some signs? Or did the necessity to keep working take my last drop of energy? These are questions that I still don't have the answer to and probably never will. You can run, but you can't escape.

CHAPTER 2

The Masks

I had lived alone for several years due to my husband's travels; my kids were growing, so I stayed behind. They grew up so quickly. My life then became bizarre; I didn't know where I belonged anymore. I had no expectations, no feelings. I needed love. Most of my life after that was spent in solitude in the woods in upstate New York.

Yes, we moved from my precious island to the states. I guess that's when my life started changing — started falling apart. In this new life, with new expectations, there were too many unknowns, too much of always hoping for the best.

I started a new practice, working long hours and long days. Again, I was always concerned that I didn't have enough time for my new family, much less myself.

Years passed with no change in my behavior. I changed masks every day. No one noticed my feelings; everybody was so busy demanding my presence.

My husband, on the other hand, traveled again and again. The eyes that I had fallen in love with were not as green now as I'd once thought them. We both had too much to hide; we were living different lives, and I no longer recognized this man. He was a stranger. I had no more memories; they were gone. There were no holding hands. I felt unloved, alone, and lost. I hadn't signed up for this.

I decided to change jobs, thinking that, perhaps, changes were always good. I was willing to create a new me with no more sorrows.

I started to travel, taking locum tenens positions — covering practices that were down doctors, covering doctors' vacations, or just filling in where extra help was needed. This was how I'd gotten to Arizona.

Another day ended, and I went back to my room. It would still be another four weeks before I'd made it to the end of this assignment. I continued with the same routine day after day — wake up, take a shower, get dressed, and jump in the car. Always I would be thinking, Another day but a different challenge. I was getting used to the surroundings already and no longer had to use the GPS to drive to work.

* * *

My husband decided to take a break and came to Arizona. We were together. We decided not to travel anymore and to start from scratch. We wanted to create new memories; we needed to start knowing each other again.

Our plans, however, didn't last. He stayed with me the first two weeks, and then he went back home. I felt disappointed, but again, I went with the flow. I was feeling like a loser. My instincts were telling me that something would go wrong.

I started feeling strange — different, lost, frightened, and abandoned. I wondered if perhaps this was the beginning of my death, the beginning of me slipping into a dark place.

* * *

Memorial Day weekend was coming soon. I was not excited, and I had no plans. I guessed it would be me and myself again. But something continued growing inside me; something strange was happening. Very gradually, I started hearing voices in my head; they were very real, talking to and about me. Scary, eh? I thought I might be suffering from exhaustion and sleep deprivation. I knew that was not a good thing. Plus, I was not eating well, which also might be the cause of these hallucinations. Throughout my entire life, I had always found excuses for or answers to all my concerns and issues.

Was I in denial? One thing was sure. I always kept these thoughts just for me. I never shared them. They were probably growing deep inside me.

I do remember weird dreams — dreams that were extremely vivid and real. I didn't know if they were real or not. I was scared. Frightening, strange dreams and issues came into my mind.

I started feeling sick and knew that I had an infection. I had fever, chills, and gastrointestinal symptoms that I ignored. I had to keep working, and there was no time for me. I was feeling weak and dizzy. That's when I started thinking that I should reach out for help. So, in my confusion, I decided to go to the hospital.

The hotel called the ambulance, and the EMTS arrived and took me to the emergency room. The hospital was just walking distance from the hospital, but I did not know that. The staff asked me questions, which I don't remember well. They did tell me that I was dehydrated, and I was given fluids and electrolytes. I also remember that the doctor found me anxious and wanted to give me something for the anxiety. I refused the medication and had the urge to get out of the hospital.

When the hospital discharged me, the staff offered to call a taxi. But the hotel was so close that I decided to walk, even though I had no shoes with me. You might imagine how my walking was — I could see the hotel, but it took me about three hours to get there. I kept the hallucinations to myself and did not mention them, probably because, in my mind, they seemed real. Or maybe I was just exhausted. Oh God, I wanted badly to go home. But where was home?

I went to my room and decided to try to sleep or at least rest. But I couldn't. My brain was on fire; my body was numb. Please, God, help me. Give me your strength. Have mercy.

Then I decided to get up. Suddenly, I started seeing nets all over the room that seemed real in my mind. They had different shapes and were all over. I wanted to touch them and was surprised when I found I was doing it. In my mind, I knew that something was not right. So, I tried to continue my routine. It was a long weekend.

I was in terror that I was crossing the fine line between sanity and insanity.

And things started getting worse when I began to hear voices; I recognized the voices as belonging to people who were part of my normal world — people who I loved. Then the scariness was getting to me. I couldn't tell what was real and what was not. I was losing it. The voices didn't stop, and what I was seeing was getting worse.

The hallucinations become constant. Some of them were very painful; others I would call eccentric in a way that, at that very moment, I did not understand. And probably that was for the best. I started walking and wandering through the hotel, again with no shoes. But it did not matter. By that time, I was already trapped in my mind.

I did try to look normal to others, and I fooled myself — who can say I was behaving well?

I questioned myself: Did other people see and hear as well as me? That I will never know. I am pretty good at hiding my reality — at hiding myself and my sorrows and loneliness.

In a subconscious way, I was trying to look for help. I was texting and calling people who I trusted, just hoping one of them would sense the serious situation that I was getting into. I really wanted to see and touch someone real, not just hallucinations. The mind plays games, and I was already part of that.

I start hating the days and nights. I just wanted to sleep, but the voices of my brother and my sister-in-law were calling me I started walking all over the hotel and knocking on doors because the voices were coming from everywhere.

If just someone, anyone, had asked me how I felt or whether I was okay, perhaps — probably — I would have lied. I knew this was just the beginning of my mental derangement. But it did not happen.

Have you ever felt caring for the world in your back? Your silence tells me it's a yes. Have you ever feel that you can't give any more to anyone because you know that already you are gradually getting empty? I wanted to be the one on the other side — someone who received and felt cared for and loved.

The mind plays tricks in mysterious ways. There is so little that we know and understand about the mind, the brain. Mine was really playing with me. There was a moment that I did not know what was real or just my imagination. Or probably everything was the true reality. It was all so vivid that I could no longer handle it.

CHAPTER 3

The Trap

After that day, which was a Friday, everything started falling apart. From there, it went downhill fast. My mind couldn't stop. I knew there was no escape for me. I was scared to death, but there was nothing I could do about it. I fought back because I knew the outcome. But I was weak and frightened. During all that time, I'd no water, no food, and no sleep. I was trapped in my mind.

I started seeing my husband behind my bed. He would be trying to install FBI equipment with cameras that would allow him and everyone else who had the same equipment to hear and see me. I tried to talk to him, telling him to leave me alone. I would tell him that I knew what he was doing and that he was in the hotel. But he kept hiding and would disappear again and again. The nets — in the shapes of animals and trees and other things — were driving me to cry out loud, "Stop, stop!" The nets were getting worse. I started seeing them wherever I went. I would reach out to touch the animals, and in my mind, I did indeed touch them.

I decided I needed help, so I called the police. I dialed 9-1-1 from the hotel.

I was walking in the hallways and quietly telling people who I didn't know what was happening. I was probably begging for someone to pay attention, to really listen. I needed someone to help me. I called 9-1-1 again. Or was it the hotel that made the call? I don't recall. I was paranoid.

The police came to the hotel and searched my room, looking for alcohol, drugs, or who knows what. Nothing was found — not even the nets that were driving me literally insane. I did not explain to the police that my room was changing constantly.

CHAPTER 4

The Hotel Room

My hotel room was like a carrousel; it's difficult to explain. On the Friday night of the Memorial weekend, I saw a different scenario there. It resembled a competition to join a club or fraternity of some sort. I saw that on the second floor of my room, which I did not have.

There was this reunion of people who I had never met, except for two people whose names I will change, Mike and Jim. The people participating in the competition had to do certain things that were disgusting and beyond my comprehension.

This was a party for rich people, who were eccentric and, by my judgment, given what I was hearing and seeing, utterly lacking in morals. I don't remember well all that was going on because I was trying to hide. The others, mostly Mike, were trying to convince me to play. I refused, even if that meant I would have to pay consequences at the end. They were playing sexual games. I say that because they had to kiss someone and do other things that, out of respect for my readers and a desire not to be more explicit, I will leave out. Just take my word.

I tried to sleep because I didn't want to see whatever they were doing. Meanwhile, my room was changing depending on their game. I was mostly in the water. It was like a horror movie and grew painful with different phases in their game. I remember gunshots and people dying because they couldn't pass the next phase that they needed to accomplish to be part of the exclusive club

While all this was happening, there was always someone watching me, all the time. All I could do was try to run away from that nightmare.

Even if I tried to describe the world that was in my mind, I would not be able to do so. That memory was very painful, confused, and disturbed. You, my readers, will understand that. And for that I am thankful. There are likely other memories that are blocked as a defense. Each episode was created by the dark side. Therefore, I will not remember what hurts the most.

I guess that I slept on and off. I woke up just as the get-together was almost done. Mike was asking over and over how I was doing. Apparently, he was kind of ashamed and did not want to talk to me. The shooting was over.

I never figured out what was truly happening. I did hear that there would be a big get-together for those who had passed all the phases of competition and would now be members of the club or fraternity. I was utterly confused and mad about the situation.

The following day, I felt more disturbed and confused than ever. I didn't know what was real or what wasn't. I started praying. I still had one week more of my assignment. Would I be able to do it?

CHAPTER 5

The Hospital

Memorial Day came, and I knew that I would not be able to go back to work. I did, however, try to go. I walked to the car, but I fell and hit the back of my head. I crawled to the lobby, where I collapsed. Again, an ambulance arrived, along with the police, and I was taken back to the emergency room. The police officers and the EMTs convinced me to go to the hospital.

This was a very bad experience. I could hear them laughing, with a complete lack of compassion, joking about my hallucinations. I answered all their questions during the episode. I heard the words crazy, alcohol, and drugs. I wanted to scream, but I knew that, if I did, they would not let me leave the hospital.

I wanted to get out of the hospital, but I wasn't allowed to leave. The hospital staff used the Baker Act, allowing them to involuntarily institutionalize and examine me for my own safety. Safety from what? I was already in danger. My cognitive functions were gone. What was right or wrong?

Finally, I convinced the doctor, telling him the truth. I would be flying back home in less than forty-eight hours. The hospital let me go. But why didn't they medicate me with something? My head was ready to explode. Did they have less cognition than me? It's just a matter of common sense. Here is a woman who is very anxious. And she is planning to fly alone? How about, let's protect her with something mild until she gets home? It didn't happen. Why didn't I ask? Perhaps I didn't want the hospital staff to think I was looking for pills. Prescribing medication was their job, not mine. I was a patient. I can't be my own doctor.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Trapped in My Mind by Luz Pratt. Copyright © 2018 L.P. MD.,. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Publication date: 2018
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1546224912
• ISBN 13: 9781546224914
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 108