A Parent’s Log - Softcover

Marks, James L.

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1524672467 ISBN 13: 9781524672461

Publisher: AuthorHouse, 2017

Synopsis

This is a collection of random musings, small newspaper columns, and essays, primarily about parenting and mate selection.                                  

About this title

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

A Parent's Log

By James L. Marks

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2017 James L. Marks
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-5246-7246-1

CHAPTER 1

PARENTAL PRIORITIES

Some years ago a teacher at our local high school approached me following the end-of-the-year awards assembly. Three of our children had received recognition (19 times!) for academic, musical, and athletic excellence. The teacher commented that he had noticed that certain surnames had a way of being repeated on these occasions, and that it would be a good idea for the parents bearing those names to pool their wisdom, and stage some sort of parenting clinic. I mentioned this exchange to John Cortell, a man whose children had also established impressive performance records athletically, academically, and socially. His response was, "Be honest with them, and no baby sitters," accompanied by a motion of his hand, shoulder high and parallel to the ground indicating, "End of comment."

I said, "Isn't that a little simplistic?"

He replied, "Not really. Make out your list of Do's and Don't's and run it across mine, and you'll probably find that every one of yours will be covered by one or both of mine." If he was mistaken, it was not by very much. He did elaborate a little. "I'm not saying a man should never take his wife out to dinner 'sans kiddies,' or to a movie once in awhile. But we didn't take any week-long excursions--or even any week-enders away while the kids were growing up. If we couldn't take them, we didn't go."

His concluding comment is worthy not only of repeating, but committing to memory. "If your child ever gets the idea into his head that there is something more important to you than he is, then you have no right to be surprised when something becomes more important to the child than doing what pleases you."

The performance of our children has been pleasing us for many years, and the recognition they have received for their efforts has been gratifying. And while we've never believed that our children were inherently any brighter than their classmates, it became abundantly obvious that something was different. Could it be that John Cortell's principle was being manifested here without our having articulated it?

We all have priorities in our lives, and one of the wonderful results of this is the incredible diversity of occupations, hobbies, and life styles of our citizens. What a boring world this would be if everyone chose to be farmers, or only wanted to steelhead fish in their spare time, or all wanted to drive 4-wheel drive pick-ups! Variety is not only the spice of life; it is a necessity if we don't want to die of boredom.

Still, there are concepts, principles, and priorities, universal acceptance and practice of which would make all of our lives more satisfying. Can anyone doubt that this world would be a better place if all of us obeyed the speed limits, or refrained from holding up gas station attendants and convenience store clerks?

Or if all of our children felt loved and appreciated?

FACTORS IN SUCCESSFUL VOYAGES

A study of nautical history will show that hazards of early sea travel were many and mighty. So many factors determined the success or failure of each voyage! The sea-worthiness of the craft--is the hull sound? Has anyone checked the weather report? Are the sails and rigging ship-shape? How about the instruments, charts, and maps? And crew skills--does anyone in the crew know how to tack against the wind?

Besides purely mechanical factors, where are we headed? Why? What is the cargo? Many an early trading ship made its intended landfall to find no market for its goods, or to find hostile natives, or pirates in ambush.

A thought-provoking verse relating to sea travel comes to mind:

Mistakes have value, we have found
Tho' true, some more than others.
Not every sailor India bound
America discovers.

Would that all errors committed on the voyage of Parenthood proved as fortunate as that of Columbus. Columbus died still believing he had found India. They benefited who recognized the magnitude of his error, and then exploited it. The error of assuming he was half-way around the world from where he actually was, was not repeated.

You who would sail the waters of Parenthood--inspect your vessels. Learn seamanship. Stay alert at the helm. Check your bearings often. Choose your mate wisely. Choose your mate wisely. CHOOSE YOUR MATE WISELY! CHOOSE YOUR MATE WISELY! And never, never bet your skills, and the hull of your craft against known reefs. They are all well marked--by marker buoys, by lighthouses, and by the wrecked and broken hulls of those who ignored or challenged them.

IMAGES OF LOVE

Countless volumes of poetry have been written in scores of languages. Of all topics, love is one of the most popular--probably because the concept of love represents a universal experience to mankind. Every person who has reached maturity--or even adolescence--has sought it, craved it, experienced it, anguished over the lack or loss of it, rejoiced at its reciprocation, and marveled at how it affects one's moods and perceptions.

When one is in love, and finds that love returned in kind, it seems that any crisis can be dealt with, and any pleasant experience is doubly appreciated. When a romance ends, whatever fruit one happens to be enjoying turns sour; the music one hears becomes noise and discord; the rose-colored glasses through which he views the world become cloudy, bespecked, and out of focus.

With poets and song writers spending so much creative energy generating metaphors to which the consuming public can relate, it makes sense to look at the imaging process, and evaluate how well (or how poorly) some poetical and lyrical efforts capture the essence of love.

When elephant jokes were in vogue some years ago, one often heard was, "How do you sculpt an elephant?" The answer was, "Get a marble slab and a chisel, and chip away everything that doesn't look like elephant." For this method to work, obviously the sculptor needs (besides some sculpting skill) some idea of what an elephant looks like.

The mountain of material on the subject of love gives us a sizable block to start with, and much to chip away that doesn't look like Love. Forming a representative image of love requires defining some terms, looking at some concepts and perceptions, and putting them into perspective.

Describing love presents the same sort of problem shared by the blind men in John Godfrey Saxe's poem,

"The Blind Men and the Elephant:"

It was six men of Indostan To learning much inclined, Who went to see the elephant Though all of them were blind, That each by observation Might satisfy his mind.

The First approached the Elephant And, happening to fall Against his broad and sturdy side, At once began to bawl: "God bless me, but the elephant Is very like a wall!"

The Second, feeling the tusk, Cried, "Ho! What have we here So very round and smooth and sharp? To me 'tis very clear This wonder of an elephant Is very like a spear!"

The Third approached the animal And, happening to take The squirming trunk within his hands, Thus boldly up he spake: "I see," quoth he, "the elephant Is very like a snake!"

The Fourth reached out an eager hand, And felt about the knee: "What most the wondrous beast is like Is very plain," quoth he; "'Tis clear enough the elephant Is very like a tree!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear, Said, "E'en the blindest man Can tell what this resembles most; Deny the fact who can: This marvel of an elephant Is very like a fan!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun About the beast to grope Than, seizing on the swinging tail That fell within his scope, "I see," quoth he, "the elephant Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan Disputed loud and long, Each in his own opinion Exceeding stiff and strong. Though each was partly in the right, They all were in the wrong!

The theme of blindness in love has often been alluded to, and this one has some practical application. Keenness of eyesight varies. Some people are color-blind, some see not at all, and some perceive only blurs and shadows. Rare, it seems is the person who sees love with 20/20 vision, lighted, complete in proportion and perspective, and magnificently displayed. Rarer still for such a one to take to the studio to create the artistic masterpiece that enlightens and edifies us all. Would that they could give us the appreciation that causes us to want such an art object for our own--and the ability and perseverance to create it.

Erich Fromme stated that the problem of love is not in being loved, but in acquiring the ability and willingness to love. He must have been loved; must have known the warmth, comfort, and sense of self-worth that are warp and woof of the fabric of love. The ability to love is a skill--an art--Fromme writes, that can be developed. But knowing that one is loved--having before one the example of genuine love--is a tremendous advantage to the person who would approach the sculpting of love seriously.

A common theme in love poetry is the object of love. Another recurring theme is listing the things one is willing to do to prove the sincerity of his love. Climbing the highest mountain, swimming the deepest ocean--no feat is too daunting, if only the one loved becomes convinced--and returns that love. Granted that only the hopelessly sentimental accept these lyrics at face value, there must be a fair amount of sympathy with these veins of thought, else they would not be so overworked and so well received. Perhaps we tolerate--even embrace--the morbid or saccharine pictures painted in these songs because we lack the perception, conviction, or even the interest to protest.

One of the most damning indictments on our times is the success the advertising industry has had in persuading us that the secret to happiness is to become beautiful. If we will just brush our teeth with this toothpaste, and wash away our body odor with this soap, or mask it with this deodorant, eat and drink these products, control our hair with this styling gel, and fight our acne with that skin-care product, we will be beautiful, and therefore lovable. We diet, we tan, we exercise, we read self-improvement books all in an effort to be respected, admired, and loved--as if feeding and currying an elephant, and polishing its tusks, and bathing away its smell will improve our ability to carve its likeness in a block of granite!

Physical beauty--how we admire it! How we crave it--for our lovers and ourselves! How glowingly lyricists describe it! How justifiable our infatuation with it! (Read: How justifiable IS our infatuation with it?) How many hearts are broken because it equates so poorly with the abiding nature, the petrified durability, and the ageless dignity of granite sculpture? Physical beauty fades, and the popular consensus of what constitutes it varies. So romance that germinates and takes root in an attraction to physical beauty and/or sex appeal is doubly endangered. There's nothing wrong with admiring beauty--as long as we realize that beauty is no more a definitive element of love than physical size is the exclusive characteristic of the elephant. Physical beauty is neither a requirement of love, nor is its depth or quality proportionate to it.

If love is not an attraction to beauty, what is it? If we can't rely on the balladeers to enlighten us, to whom can we turn? Is there an accurate depiction, representative to all of us, or are we all doomed to the fate of those blind men, secure and satisfied with the single, incomplete conclusion to which our individual perceptions limit us?

The images projected by songsters are often flawed by their lack of dimension and perspective. It takes a degree of skill to create even the illusion of depth in an oil painting limited to two measurements. The only dimensions usually employed by song writers are the beauty and sex appeal of the love-idol and the intensity of the heartache endured by the sufferer of unrequited love.

Seldom do they consider the "weightier matters" of love. These include (among other things) commitment--to noble principles, rather than to one's own gratification. Included is duty--to resulting children, not to keeping oneself and one's partner perpetually entertained. And there is sacrifice--of energy, sleep, and personal comfort, not of one's list of other lovers.

Failure in many romances comes from unrealistic expectations lovers bring to the relationship, which are in turn the result of propaganda-- distorted images projected by musicians, novelists, and script writers. Too many of them have no understanding of the concept of love. That there are shades, degrees, and types of affection is granted. One says he loves to fish, another loves his music, another basketball. A teenager loves his car, his high-dollar basketball shoes, or her earrings. None of these affections equates with the love that motivates lyricists.

There have been writers who have understood love, and who have defined it for us, taught us of its importance, and shown us how to practice it. For their efforts they have been scorned, stoned, beheaded--even crucified. The Lord calls them prophets; the world calls them madmen, fanatics, and charlatans. What do they say about love?

Among other things, they tell us that God IS love. They tell us that life eternal is to know this God, and the Christ whom He sent--so it behooves those who desire that blessing to learn something of love. They say that greater love hath no man than he who lays down his life for his friends. They say, "If ye love me, keep my commandments."

It matters not at all the King James translators used the English word love for several different Greek words. Agape, philos, and eros denote divine love, brotherly love, and romantic love, for these are facets of the same gem, though they are not synonymous.

Love, whatever its object, reflects an understanding, an awareness that a unique relationship exists between the lover and the love object. It reflects acknowledged duty with regard to that relationship. This duty varies with the nature of the relationship, but the principle is constant. It involves willingness to invest one's person, one's personality, as well as commitment and energy to constantly strengthening and improving all aspects of the relationship. If this awareness and commitment are not present, we may call the affection a fondness, an attraction, a weakness for, or even an addiction. We ought not call it love.

One who "loves" his hobby, or her trousseau, or his lodge brothers, but whose posture is essentially, "What's in it for me?" is not demonstrating love. He or she exhibits a visceral desire for gratification. The needs of the other persons or causes are not considered. When this syndrome manifests itself in a romantic relationship, and especially in a marriage, the potential for trauma is incalculable.

The demands of marriage include, literally, the laying down of one's life. They require the commitment to earn a living, to perform domestic duties, and the provision of what this generation calls parenting. Dilute that, or have one or both partners adopt a, "me first" posture, and that ideal image of love quickly crumbles. The urges that attracted the partners to one another initially will not provide the adhesive to patch it up for very long. Don't take my word for this. Look around the gallery at the shattered monuments of beauty's, chemistry's, and sexual desire's mutual inability to equate with love.

The principle of cause and effect is every bit as critical in nurturing and sustaining love as it is any other phase of human endeavor. Let one or both partners retreat from obeying the rules--the laws that govern love--let them disregard obedience to love's laws --and dimension is lost. The sanctity of marriage is besmirched; children born to it are offended. The weight of that offense becomes a millstone around the necks of those responsible.

Jesus said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments." If you love your wife, your husband, your children, keep His commandments. If there is anything on this Earth that you love, and desire to possess for the eternities, obey the laws that pertain to the retention of it.

A great--but greatly ignored aspect of our commonly accepted image of love is the yardstick of obedience by which it is measured. It is not measured by the flow of hormones; not by the number of children; not even by the number of moments, years, and crises shared and endured together. However we perceive love, whomever or what-ever the object of it happens to be, the qualitative and quantitative nature of it can be measured by obedience to the laws that govern it.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from A Parent's Log by James L. Marks. Copyright © 2017 James L. Marks. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
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Edition details

• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Publication date: 2017
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1524672467
• ISBN 13: 9781524672461
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 196