Boost Your Self-Care...Be Assertive - Softcover

Richman, Alice E.; Cavallaro, Renée

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1504395158 ISBN 13: 9781504395151

Publisher: BalboaPress, 2018

Synopsis

Alice E. Richman, Psy. D. is a clinical psychologist licensed in Florida. She has been working in the field of Psychology for over twenty years. She is a Level II Bereavement Counselor. Presently, she has a private practice in Jupiter.

Some of the issues addressed in treatment are depression, anxiety, interpersonal relationships, marital discord, LGBTQQ stressors and caregivers issues.

Dr. Richman has seen improvement in herself and in her patients based on the practice of the skills described in this book. She believes self-care through assertiveness is a means of increasing and maintaining self-respect.

Renée Cavallaro has been a leader in the Behavioral Health field for over twenty years. Throughout her career, she has maintained a focus on sustaining an environment that promotes a positive, forward-thinking culture and commitment to organizational mission and vision.

Renée’s professional journey has included Leadership Development, Community-based Behavioral Health organizations, Continuous Quality Improvement, Behavioral Health Managed Care, Higher Education, and Sales, Marketing, and Community Outreach.

Renée has been a strong voice for workforce development, team building, and bridging the gap between clinical excellence and administrative supports. Her ability to build and empower teams is seen throughout her professional experiences and her relationships with others. She practices the skills discussed throughout this book on a daily basis and finds that they continue to impact her life in a positive way.

About this title

About the Author

Alice E. Richman, Psy. D. is a clinical psychologist licensed in Florida. She has been working in the field of Psychology for over twenty years. She is a Level II Bereavement Counselor. Presently, she has a private practice in Jupiter. Some of the issues addressed in treatment are depression, anxiety, interpersonal relationships, marital discord, LGBTQQ stressors and caregivers issues. Dr. Richman has seen improvement in herself and in her patients based on the practice of the skills described in this book. She believes self-care through assertiveness is a means of increasing and maintaining self-respect. Renée Cavallaro has been a leader in the Behavioral Health field for over twenty years. Throughout her career, she has maintained a focus on sustaining an environment that promotes a positive, forward-thinking culture and commitment to organizational mission and vision. Renée's professional journey has included Leadership Development, Community-based Behavioral Health organizations, Continuous Quality Improvement, Behavioral Health Managed Care, Higher Education, and Sales, Marketing, and Community Outreach. Renée has been a strong voice for workforce development, team building, and bridging the gap between clinical excellence and administrative supports. Her ability to build and empower teams is seen throughout her professional experiences and her relationships with others. She practices the skills discussed throughout this book on a daily basis and finds that they continue to impact her life in a positive way.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Boost Your Self-Care ... Be Assertive

By Renee Cavallaro, Alice E. Richman

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2018 Alice E. Richman, Psy. D. and Renée Cavallaro, MSS, LCSW
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-9515-1

CHAPTER 1

WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

Assertiveness is win-win.

Being assertive allows us to express our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means having respect for ourselves and for others [Self-esteem]. We are consciously working toward a win-win solution to problems. A win-win solution means that we are trying to make sure that both parties end up with their needs met, feeling heard and respected [Communication skills and Self-care]. An assertive person listens and may negotiate so that others may choose to cooperate willingly. Assertiveness does not mean agreeing with others. It does mean accepting what another person says.

Assertiveness is:

• Expressing yourself without violating the rights of others

• Expressing your thoughts and feelings in a clear way that keeps the lines of communication open

• Speaking your mind without attempting to influence others (Having your say and not getting your way)

There is a huge difference between hearing and accepting what someone says and agreeing with them. Remember, accepting is not agreeing [Knowing guidelines].

An example of accepting without agreeing could go like this ... I accept your decision to eat ice cream for breakfast, but I do not agree with it for myself. This is the model for many areas of disagreement. An assertive person will accept another's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs without agreeing. I accept that you choose a different game to play than I do, and I do not have to agree with your choice [Self-respect].

Assertiveness is not being passive or aggressive.

You can adopt a clear, direct, and respectful communication style. This is effective and may develop into increased self-confidence [Sense of consistency, Self-respect]. Expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way is assertive and very self-respecting. It is a conscious process that focuses on working toward a win-win solution to problems. This does not mean that one person necessarily gets to have her/his way. This translates to "I may or may not win, and I will feel proud of my behavior in the process."

Aggressiveness is win-lose.

Acting in an aggressive manner is when a person expresses her/his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which, it communicates an impression of disrespect. Examples of active aggression include cursing or yelling. Passive aggression is more subtle. Not answering is one example of passive aggression. By being aggressive, a person puts her/his wants, needs, and rights above those of others and tries to get her/his way by not allowing others to have a choice. Where assertiveness strives for a win-win solution, aggressiveness demands a win-lose situation. "I will be the winner, you will be the loser." An aggressive person does not accept without agreeing. An aggressive person wants agreement at any cost.

Aggressiveness is:

• Behavior or attitude that is hostile or attacking

• Action intended to dominate or master

Passivity is lose-win.

Passive behavior is indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for ourselves. Passivity communicates a message of inferiority. A lose-win situation is created because the passive person has been forced to put her/his needs as secondary to the needs of the aggressor. "I will lose, but, not because I chose to, because I was forced to."

Passivity is:

• Being unable to speak up for yourself

• Being meek when you don't want to be

Choosing to be passive is sometimes a good option. Giving up your purse when someone is robbing you at gunpoint is a good choice. You can feel pleased being passive in that moment. Acting passively because you think you have no other options does not feel good and can lead to low self-esteem.

How do you know when you need to act more assertively? How can you tell when you are being forced to be passive? The answer often lies in your bodily response to the situation. You might feel an immediate tightness across your shoulders, have an achy feeling in your head or neck, breathe rapidly, or have an odd sensation in your stomach. There are a variety of sensations that help us recognize feeling defensive.

When you feel defensive, you need to act differently. Be mindful and respectful of your feelings and take care of yourself first. This is the basis of assertiveness [Self-care].

The strategy of taking care of yourself first is consistently directed to airline passengers. Each time you fly, you hear the flight attendants saying that you must put your oxygen mask on first. Again, learn to take care of yourself first across a variety of situations.

Situation #1

Imagine you are traveling in the northern United States staying in an old hotel. You have no control over the temperature in your room. The thermostat does not work until the room is below 50 degrees or above 80 degrees. Would you be cold at lower temperatures and wish you could turn on the heat? Would you call the Front Desk? If you do nothing, you are being passive. If you attempt to do something about it, that is self-care.

We have internal thermostats that measure emotions just like the hotel room has one to control temperature. Our internal thermostats turn on when we have extreme emotions. We respond after a certain point, which leads us to be reactive. An example is when you called the Front Desk because the temperature was too hot or too cold.

Managing your emotions is good self-care; good self-care involves being assertive. As you practice being more assertive, your thermostat will become more accurate and finely tuned. Having a very accurate thermostat will help you be proactive, which promotes emotional balance [Sense of consistency].

Situation #2

Imagine a confrontation as if you were playing in a soccer game. The goal is to prevent the opponents from scoring. The opponents will score if the goalie is pulled out of the goal zone. Holding your position within the goal zone is equivalent to staying level and composed in an emotional situation [Knowing guidelines and Being prepared]. Imagine playing goalie by using your range of emotions as the goal zone.

Poor goal tending is often exemplified by watching very young children play soccer. Wherever the ball is, often all members of both teams surround it, including the goalies. As the players become more experienced, only those players who are allowed to roam do, and the goalie stays within a certain range.

Keeping the goal zone narrow deters the other team from scoring. I win if I keep my position and maintain my composure (position). I want to stay in the narrowed goal zone [Knowing guidelines]. If I am assertive, I will hold my position. If I allow myself to be pulled to either side, there is a greater chance of my opponents scoring. All of this represents emotionality and our goal of staying balanced.

Awareness of bodily sensations represents an emotional thermostat. I can usually tell very quickly when I am feeling defensive; I might feel my breath quicken or feel butterflies in my stomach. Others have described tight muscles in the neck, jaw, or temples. Being highly aware of these physical sensations will help develop a more accurate emotional thermostat. This indicates when to act assertively [Self-care].

Remember, if you allow someone to move you out of your "goal/emotional zone," you are being either aggressive or passive and not by choice.

Sometimes, there is a delayed reaction to being pulled out of the zone. Those reactions may come as inability to sleep, poor attention, or inability to let go of the situation. Sometimes, in the moment, you cannot act assertively. Often, people are unable to speak up appropriately. That inability to "have your say" feels unpleasant. You can always revisit a particular situation when you have better skills or when you feel more confident. There are many levels to assertive behavior, and, initially, even recognizing that you wanted to act differently is a good sign of progress [Self-esteem].

When you begin to follow the team guidelines by paying attention to your emotions, you are building self-respect. This may generate your growing self-esteem. Following guidelines and being consistent increases your assertive skills. This can have a positive impact on our interactions with others.

Familiarity with the guidelines helps you to be prepared. Personal rights are examples of guidelines. A few of your personal rights are presented on the next page. Remember that self-respect is not contingent on others agreeing with us.

PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

You have the right to express your thoughts, feelings, and
opinions.
You have the right to say no without feeling guilty.
You have the right not to justify yourselves to others.
You have the right to ask for help.
You have the right to make mistakes.
You have the right to be listened to.
You have the right to put yourself first.
You have the right to change your mind.
You have the right to ignore the advice of others.
You have the right to not take responsibility for others'
feelings, needs, and wishes.
You have the right to be alone.
You have the right to choose to be assertive or passive.
Having your say does not mean getting your way.

The important focus is having your say. Getting your way is a bonus.

Choosing between being passive or assertive is a challenging Personal Right. This choice is not an easy one. The important thing to remember is that there is an option. Picking the least objectionable option is still a choice.

That does not mean that you are satisfied with your choice. How you handle the discrepancy between having your say and not getting your way is critical to your emotional well-being. We will address that in our next book.

For many people, one of the most difficult things to do on the Personal Bill of Rights is to stop taking responsibility for other's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Think about which one of these Rights is most challenging for you.

One of the most difficult for many people is NOT taking responsibility for other's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Taking responsibility for other's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is neither assertive nor good self-care. Being responsible for something or someone is not the same as caring. If your friend develops a serious medical condition, you can certainly feel badly about it. However, you did not cause it, and you do not take responsibility for the medical condition. You care about your friend without taking responsibility for the person getting sick. Now, is this Personal Right easier for you?

The following scenarios will help you clarify the limits of your responsibility.

1. You are driving on the highway, and you almost miss your exit. In getting off at the correct exit, you cut off another driver. You were not close enough to hit the other car, but you were certainly close enough to make the driver aware that you cut her/him off.

What are some reactions the other driver could do in response? That driver might swerve, blow the horn, give you the finger, do nothing, or ram your car.

Are you responsible for the level of reaction from the other driver? If you say yes, you are being passive. If you say no, then you are on the assertiveness path.

This is a good plan to follow. Remember, you are not responsible for the level of reaction from another person. This plan will serve you well across many other situations. We are not saying that you did not set the events in motion, only that you did not choose, nor are you responsible for, the other person's intensity of reaction.

2. You make dinner for a few friends. You serve roasted chicken and mashed potatoes among other things. One of your friends says that everything is delicious, another says the potatoes are too salty, and the other one says the potatoes are not salty enough.

Are you responsible for how your friends react to the meal? Are you responsible for whether they like lots of salt or less salt? Do not confuse caring about how they like the meal with taking responsibility for their taste preferences. Are you in charge of their reactions or the level of their reactions?

If you take responsibility for their enjoyment of the meal, you are not being assertive. If you simply accept that they do or do not like your cooking, then you are being assertive.

3. You go to a comedy movie with two friends. You have chosen the movie. One of your friends is enjoying it immensely and laughing out loud. Your other friend is not enjoying it at all, sitting gloomily and making quiet comments about leaving. You are glad to be seeing the movie. It is not riotously funny nor boring to you. How are you feeling about your friends' reactions to the movie?

Are you planning on, or even thinking of giving the unhappy one back the ticket price? If you are, then you are taking responsibility for the feelings of your friend and being passive. If you simply accept how your friends react to the movie, you are being assertive.

The guideline of not taking responsibility for another person's thoughts, feelings, and actions is an important concept. Follow this concept as situations change to help you be more consistent in being assertive [Guidelines and Consistency].

As we have discussed, becoming more assertive is about thinking. It is also about speaking. When practicing assertiveness skills, it is important to speak in an assertive manner. Decreasing your emotionality and limiting your reactivity help you be more assertive and keep you in your "goal zone."

We recommend the following guidelines for assertive communication:

ALWAYS keep these in mind when you communicate assertively:

• Use suitable facial expressions, maintaining good eye contact

• Keep your voice firm but pleasant

• Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures

• Listen and let people know that you have heard what they said

• Ask questions for clarification

These are helpful in improving communication skills, being prepared, knowing guidelines, and having a sense of consistency. This results in better self-care and self-respect and increased self-esteem. The strategies are presented easiest to hardest in terms of needing to be emotionally balanced.

Improved communication skills include the following:

1. Fogging Phrases

2. Objective Statements

3. "I Feel" Statements

Here are beginning steps to taking better care of yourself and acting differently. Changing how you respond can be difficult when you do not have a plan. We have a plan for you! Speak up to demonstrate self-confidence and self-respect. Although, sometimes, you won't feel ready to use these skills, acting "as if" is the way to go.

It is important to pay attention to that butterfly in your stomach or quickened breath when you feel challenged. Acting "as if" means acting assertively despite feeling unsure in the moment. Practicing these skills, even though you don't feel comfortable with them, will lead you to mastering them and feeling more at ease. They may be awkward at first, but, with practice, will become fairly automatic.

Here are suggestions for very basic responses (Fogging Phrases) to help you balance emotionally, be less reactive, and feel more prepared for challenging interactions.

FOGGING PHRASES

I'm entitled to my opinion.
You're entitled to your opinion.
I'm entitled to my opinion, and you don't have to agree.
You're entitled to your opinion, and I don't have to agree.
Thank you for sharing that.
I'll think about what you said.
We can agree to disagree.
Let's avoid an argument by agreeing to disagree.
You might be right.
You could say that.
I heard what you said.
I'm surprised you said/did that.
I understand what you said.

Fogging Phrases help you limit your range of emotions and stay in your "goal zone."

Applying a Fogging Phrase repeatedly is called the Broken Record Technique.

Consider this confrontation/dialogue in which you are the speaker ...

Offended Party: "I can't believe you only got me a shirt for my birthday."

Speaker: "I am sorry that you are upset."

Offended Party: "I really did not like that you got me a shirt."

Speaker: "I heard what you said."

Offended Party: "Well, this shirt is awful and not what I was expecting."

Speaker: "I heard what you said."

Offended Party: "I really can't believe that you would buy me a shirt."

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Boost Your Self-Care ... Be Assertive by Renee Cavallaro, Alice E. Richman. Copyright © 2018 Alice E. Richman, Psy. D. and Renée Cavallaro, MSS, LCSW. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: BalboaPress
• Publication date: 2018
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1504395158
• ISBN 13: 9781504395151
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 50