The Not So Dry Off Book 4: The Critically Ashamed Insensitive Edition - Softcover

Lanehart, Jackson

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1491823976 ISBN 13: 9781491823972

Publisher: AuthorHouse, 2013

Synopsis

Growing up, Susan Berman's childhood was idyllic. She was Las Vegas Mob royalty, the daughter of a Mob boss who ran the Flamingo and furnished his only child with anything money could buy. But halfway through her childhood, dream exploded. Susan's father died without warning during a routine surgery. Next, Susie Berman's mother died by her own hand the next year when she overdosing on drugs. Susie was whisked away from the only home she'd ever known, parentless and living with an uncle and his family and sent away to boarding school. Fast forward to college where Susan met her soul mate, Robert Durst. They became best friends and each other's confidants. Durst went to work for his wealthy father at the Durst Organization in Manhattan while Susan became a journalist, writing about women's cultural issues for newspapers and magazines. She followed Durst to New York, where he married the beautiful Kathie McCormack. Then, Kathie disappeared and Susan stood by her best friend Robert, despite suspicions that Durst had caused the demise of his wife. Twenty years later, as police closed in on Durst and reopened the case, seeking to interview his best friends, Susan was murdered. Few clues were found. Who did it and why? Was it the Mob? A trusted friend? Murder in Beverly Hills (an updated, revised edition of Murder of a Mafia Daughter) answers those questions. Exclusive information about the investigation is included in this edition, as well as new interviews of police detectives, Susan's friends, family and colleagues, and new information about Robert Durst is revealed.

About this title

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

THE NOT SO DRY OFF BOOK 4

The Critically Ashamed Insensitive Edition

By JACKSON LANEHART

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2013 Jackson Lanehart
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2397-2

CHAPTER 1

Finally the punch line from Dry Off Book 3 for joke 1500

(1500)

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a sedan.

Long jokes

These jokes are ones where it takes more than ten seconds to read.They are a departure from the normal dry jokes. Some are lengthyand the punch lines may be funny and maybe not. They all tell abasic story and hopefully they have a "happy ending."

(1501)

There were three guys, Shut Up, Be quiet and Trouble.

They were going for a car ride and they got in an accident.

The police came up and asked the first one he saw, "What'syour name?"

"Shut up."

The police man went up to the other guy and asked,"What's your name?"

"Be quiet."

The policeman asked him again, "What's your name?"

"Be Quiet."

The policeman was getting very annoyed, and yelled"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"Be Quiet?"

The policeman then said, "Are you looking for trouble?"

They both replied, "Yea have you seen him? He flew outthe back window a few minutes ago."

(1502)

Miss Simons, an English teacher, agreed to be interviewedby Billy for the school magazine.

"How old are you, Miss Simons?" asked Billy.

"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.

"Oh well," said Miss Simons. "I am the same age as bothof them."

"But Mr. Hill, the technical teacher, and the other Mr.Hill, the geography teacher told me how old they were,"said Billy.

"Oh well," said Miss Simons. "I am the same age as bothof them."

The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Billyhad published in the magazine.

"Miss Simons, our English teacher, confided in me that shewas as old as the Hills."

(1503)

A young couple is at the hospital having their first baby.The husband is just not sure what to do to help his wife.One minute she calls him to hold her hand and the nextshe is yelling at him to leave her alone.

The nurse suggests that he just sit nearby on the couch fornow.

All of a sudden his wife screamed, "Shouldn't, couldn't,don't, won't, can't!!!"

The husband looks to the nurse for help and she calmlystates, "It's ok. She's just having contractions."

(1504)

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked about thelawyer's rates.

The lawyer told him, "$50 for 3 questions."

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer said, `and what was your third question?"

(1505)

A kindergarten student was making faces at anyone thatwould watch.

The teacher walked by and said calmly, "Billy if you keepyour face like that it will stick that way."

Billy looked back and said just as calmly, "I guess youlearned the hard way."

(That student stood in the corner for a while.)

(1506)

A man goes into the vet's office and tells the vet, "I think mydog is dead. He's just laying there and not doing anything."

The vet looks at the dog, checks for a pulse and breathingand says, "Let me try something else just so I can be sure."

So the vet gets a cat, and the cat walks around the dog andsniffs, and then walks away.

"Yes sir the cat thinks your dog is dead also," replied the vet.

"Oh, ok. Thank you. So what's the bill?" said the man.

"$350," said the vet.

"$350, just for you to tell me my dog is dead?" yelledthe man.

"Well, $50 for the visit, and $300 for the CAT scan," saidthe vet.

(1507)

There was a little boy who decided to make coffee forhis mom.

When she was finished drinking it, she asked the boy,"Why are there toy soldiers in my coffee cup."

He replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers inyour cup."

(1508)

There were three men that stranded on an island. Theyfound a magic lamp. They were allowed one wish each.The first man wished to be back with his family, so hedisappeared and went back to his family.

The second man wished to be back with his friends, so hedisappeared and went back to his friends.

The third man said, "I am lonely, I wish the other guyswere back here."

And they all came back.

(1509)

A snob was walking in an art museum when he stoppedand said to the attendant, "This hideous monstrosity mustbe what's known as modern art."

"No sir," answered the attendant. "That's what's knownas a mirror."

(1510)

There was a boy in heaven that was very curious. He askedGod, "How much is $100,000,000 to you?"

God said, "One penny."

Then the boy asked, "How long is 100 years to you?"

God said, "One second."

Then the boy asked, "Can I have one penny?"

God said, "In a second."

(1511)

I walked into a convenience store and someone hadblown a hole in every one of the cherrios.

It wasn't hard to figure out who had done it. I suspecteda cereal killer.

(1512)

There was a priest who needed someone to ring the churchbell. One day he heard a knock at the door.

When he opened it there was an armless man standingthere, and the man said, "I've come to ring the bell."

The priest said, "How, you do not have any arms?"

The man says, "Well, just let me try."

So the man and priest go up in the tower to ring the bell.

The armless man stares at the bell for second then sticksout his face, slams into the bell, falls over the side of thetower and lands on the ground below.

The priest runs down to the bottom of the tower, wherethe armless man was laying.

Other priests were outside looking at the man, and asked,"Father, did you know this man?"

The priest says, "No, but his face rings a bell."

(1513)

There were three girls that were stranded on an island.They found a magic lamp. They were allowed to make awish.

The first girl wished to be smart to be able to get off theisland. So she swam to the shore.

The second girl wished to be smarter to be able to get offthe island. So she built a raft and floated to shore.

The third girl wished to be even smarter to be able to getoff the island. So she walked across the bridge.

(1514)

There was a little boy who was born with only a head.When he turned 21, doctors gave him a glass of brandy.Then, two arms popped out. They then gave him anotherglass of wine, and out popped one leg and his body. Thenthey gave him a glass of whiskey, and everything went away.

The doctors went to a bar to talk about this strange eventand mentioned it to the bartender.

The bartender said, "He should have stopped when he wasa head."

(1515)

A young girl was given a box of animal crackers and shedumped them on a table. When her mother walked in andasked what she was doing with her animal crackers all overthe table, her small daughter said, "Mommy, the box said,'do not eat if the seal is broken.' I was looking for the seal."

(1516)

A Navy captain is sailing at night. He sees a light deadahead. He picks up the radio and says "Unknown Vessel,change your position 2 degrees west!"

A voice radios back, "Change your position 2 degreeseast!"

The captain is outraged. "I'm a captain!"

"I'm a second class petty officer, sir. Change your position2 degrees east."

"I'm a first-class naval warship," yelled the captain.

Pause.

"I'm a lighthouse, sir. Your call."

(1517)

There was a woman who was at a gas station. She wasapproached by a man who said, "give me all of yourmoney!"

She took the gas nozzle out of her car and sprayed him inthe eyes, but in the process she got some gas on her arm.

As the man was staggering back, the gun fell, anddischarged. It lit everything on fire.

When the police department got there they shot thewoman.

Want to know why?

She was waving a fire arm.

(1518)

A man is walking down a road.

A rabbit jumps out into the road.A truck hits the rabbit.

The driver of the truck gets out and sees the rabbit.

"You're not going to leave the rabbit there, are you?" askedthe walking man.

The truck driver says nothing but gets a spray bottle fromthe truck and sprays the rabbit with it.

The rabbit jumps immediately and runs down the road 20feet, stops, and waves at the walking man.

It runs down the road another 20 feet, stops, and wavesagain at the walking man.

This continues until the rabbit is out of sight.

The truck driver gets into his truck and drives away, leavingthe spray bottle on the road.

The walking man picks it up and reads the label.It reads, "For hare renewal and permanent wave."

(1519)

One day my dad was fixing the lawn mower and pouredgas out on a plate. Then my dog came by and drank thegas. My dog started running everywhere, then abruptlystopped because.... he ran out of gas.

(1520)

There were three explorers hiking through what now isknown as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should namethis place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer.

"We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third , "I'll go first."

"C, eh?"

The next one said "N, eh?"

and the third said, "D, eh?"

And that's how they spelled Canada.

(1521)

There was a couple from Minnesota.

They were going on their second honeymoon to Florida atthe same hotel where they went on their first honeymoon.

The husband flew down one day before his wife.

When he arrived, he noticed how high tech the roomswere.

The husband decided to send an email to his wife.

But the email was accidently sent to a widow who was justreturning from her husband's funeral.

Her deceased husband had been a retired preacher.

So you can imagine the surprise on the widow's face whenshe read this message, thinking it was being sent by herdead husband:

I miss you.Don't worry.I arrived here safely.

It sure is hot down here!I'll be waiting for you tomorrow.P.S. They have computers now.

(1522)

Authors note: This next joke is intended to accentuate the intelligence ofstudents from one college over the intelligence of students from anothercollege. I will leave blank the names of colleges so you, the reader, can insertthe name of your favorite college, and the name of the college that is inferiorto yours. Here it goes!

There was a local company that was going to hire one teamof telephone installers, and the owner of the company hadto choose between a team of two __________________students and a team of __________________ students.

So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's whatwe will do. Each team will be installing poles out on thenew road for a day."

The team that installs the most phone poles gets the jobto install the rest."

Both teams headed right out.

At the end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the _______________students came back and the boss asked them how many theyhad installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they had put intwelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Dill Weed, the_______________ students came back and they were totallyexhausted. The owner asked, "Well how many poles didyou guys install?"

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "DillWeed and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two _________________students put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much theyleft stickin' out of the ground!"

(1523)

Hey it is the return of the First Guy, Second Guy jokesfrom my first book, Dry Off Book 1: The Mysteriously SillySolo Edition.

First Guy: An old farmer had a hunting dog.

One day it got lost.

The farmer looked and looked, but couldn't find the dog.

One dark night (most of them are), he heard his dog inthe attic.

He started climbing the stairs. He took off his boot, sothat he would not make any noise.

Right when he got to the top, he screamed,"AHHHH!"

Pause

Second Guy: Cool, but why did he scream?

First Guy: You would too if you stepped on a nail in yourbare feet.

Longer pause

OK ... moving right along.

(1524)

One night this man and his wife were sleeping.

The wife was sleeping with her mouth open and a mousecrawled in.

So the man called the doctor and the doctor said, "Danglesome cheese in front of her mouth. I'm on my way."

By the time the doctor got there, the man was dangling afish in front of his wife's mouth.

The doctor said, "I told you to use cheese."

The man said, "I know, but first I've got to get the catout."

(1525)

A city man was driving down a country road when his carbroke down near some grazing cows.

The man went to check under the hood, when a cowwalked up.

"I think it's the radiator," said the cow.

The man ran to the farmer who owned the cow and said,"Your cow just gave me advice."

The farmer said, "The one by your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Oh that's Ethel. Don't pay attention to her. She doesn'tknow anything about cars," said the farmer.

(1526)

There were some pirates sailing in the ocean. Another shipcame upon the pirate ship, and began battling the pirateship.

The captain says, "Mate, get me my red shirt."

The mate fetches the captains red shirt, he put it on, andthe pirate ship wins the battle.

The next day, five ships come upon the pirate ship, andbegan battling the pirate ship.

The captain says, "Mate, get me my red shirt."

The mate fetches the captains red shirt, he put it on, andthe pirate ship wins the battle.

The mate asks the captain, "Captain, why is it that whenyou wear your red shirt, we always win the battles?"

The captain says, "Because if I am shot, then you won'tknow and you will keep on fighting."

The next day, ten ships come upon the pirate ship andbegin battling the pirate ship.

The captain yells, "Mate, get my brown pants!"

(1527)

An 80 year old man went for his annual checkup and thedoctor said, "For a man of your age, you're in the bestshape I've ever seen."

The old man replied, "Yep, it comes from clean living. Iknow I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

If I didn't the Lord wouldn't be turning the bathroomlight on for me every time I get up in the middle of thenight."

When the old man's wife came for her check up, the doctortold her of her husband's good bathroom fortune.

"Aha," she exclaimed, "So he's the one who's been goingto the bathroom in the refrigerator."

(1528)

One day a woman visits New Orleans. She wants to buy apair of alligator shoes.

So she goes to a store and asks how much a pair of alligatorshoes would be.

The owner says, "Two hundred dollars."

She thinks that is too much to pay and replies, "I'll makemy own alligator shoes."

Later the day, the owner of the store is walking home andsees the lady waste deep in swamp water about to shoot analligator.

She shoots it and drags it to the shore and throws it on alarge pile other dead alligators.

She looks at the pile, notices the latest one that was justadded to the pile, and dejectedly says, "Darn, this one isnot wearing shoes either."

(1529)

A lady was having twins. She didn't know what to namethem before they were born. When they were born, sheasked her brother to name them.

She waits a few hours for him to think about it, and shefinally asks him what their names should be.He said, "The girl should be named Deniece."

"Oh, ok that is great. What should be the name of theboy?" replied the lady.

He said, "He should be named Denephew."

(1530)

One day a teacher was teaching her kindergarten class.

Teacher, "Now class we will learn about real things. Jimmy,go outside and look down. Do you see the grass?"

Jimmy, "Yes."

Teacher, "So proof of sight tells us that the sky and grassare real. Now look up Jimmy, do you see God."

Jimmy, "No."

Teacher, "Then by what we have learned, God must notbe real."

Just then a little girl stood up and spoke.

Girl, "Jimmy, do you see the grass?"

Jimmy, "Yes."

Girl, "Jimmy do you see the sky?"Jimmy, annoyed by now, said, "Yes."

Girl, "Now look at our teacher, Jimmy. Do you see herbrain?"

Jimmy, "No."

Girl, "Then by what we have learned she must not haveone!"

(Out of the mouth of babes, huh? Sometimes they knowthe truth.)

(1531)

Once there was a young Amish boy and his father whowere visiting a mall for the first time.

They were astounded by everything they saw.

They were especially amazed by the two sliding doors, andthe small room that was on the other side of the doors.

The boy asked what they were, the father said, "I don'tknow. I have never seen these before."

Then, an old lady walked by and walked into the smallroom that appeared, when the sliding doors opened.

The two then watched the lights above the doors as well asthe numbers changing, up and then down.The doors opened again after a few seconds, and then abeautiful woman walked out.

The father quietly said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Now it is time for the insensitively funny jokes.

These are blonde jokes, jokes about people in general, and anykind of joke that pokes fun at humor in general.

First the blonde jokes.

(1532)

How do you get a blonde fired from the M & M factory?You tell her to throw away all of the W's.

(1533)

What's the smartest blonde alive?That would be a golden retriever.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from THE NOT SO DRY OFF BOOK 4 by JACKSON LANEHART. Copyright © 2013 Jackson Lanehart. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Publication date: 2013
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1491823976
• ISBN 13: 9781491823972
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 108