Midlife Check-In: Who Am I Really?: A Guide to Deepening Your Sense of Self in Midlife and Beyond - Softcover

Mountain, Ed.D MarthaElin

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1477256245 ISBN 13: 9781477256244

Publisher: AuthorHouse, 2012

Synopsis

MIDLIFE CHECK-IN: Who Am I-Really? "For the gift of clarity, give yourself Midlife Check-In. Packed with hundreds of insights, poignant strategies, and thought-provoking exercises for women (and men) during midlife and beyond" -Marion Gellatly, AICI CIM "This book is infused with great insight, practical wisdom, and valuable tools for the journey" -Tere Lindsey, Ph.D., Educational Psychologist "An ideal book to facilitate the process of self-discovery for individuals, support groups, book groups, and clinicians" -Virdette Brumm, Ph.D., Neuropsychologist "Welcome relief to the futile grasp at perpetual youth. Midlife Check-In ignites excitement about this pivotal stage of life" -Jennifer Allen, MFT, ATR-BC. Psychotherapist, Art Therapist "This timely, astute, and practical guide helps us to reach deep inside... to find our timeless essence, the Self" -Lynne Ehlers, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist A gem of a book! Midlife Check-In reveals the midlife path, not by the telling but by direct experience. Dr. Mountain will lead you on your personal and unique path. Enjoy and thrive" -Stephanie Taylor, M.D., Ph.D. Guaranteed to point you to your True North in midlife and beyond" -Mary Jeanne Vincent, Career Expert and Strategist SPECIAL FEATURES; Midlife Checklist©; What's Normal? What's Not? ; 70+ self-assessments & exercises; Comprehensive Midlife Glossary; Therapist's Guide; The Midlife Brain; 3 midlife phases in detail; Extensive book and film lists; Therapist's Guide (photo) MarthaElin Mountain, Ed.D., M.A., MFT is a Jungian-based psychotherapist whose primary interest is the mind-body-spirit-relationship to emotional healing and personal transformation. Dr. Mountain is an experienced midlife traveler; she has witnessed the search for identity, meaning, and purpose from a front-row seat. MarthaElin lives with her husband and black-and-white cat on California's Central Coast where she maintains a private practice.

About this title

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

MIDLIFE CHECK-IN: Who Am I—Really?

A Guide to Deepening Your Sense of Self In Midlife and BeyondBy MarthaElin Mountain

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 MarthaElin Mountain, Ed.D., M.A., MFT
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-5624-4

Contents

Preface: Your Tree of Midlife.......................................................................xiiList of Illustrations...............................................................................xixIntroduction........................................................................................xxiPART ONE: Getting Ready for Your Midlife Check-In...................................................xxxiiiOne Tools and Personal Choices.....................................................................1Two What Am I Feeling?.............................................................................6PART TWO: The Three Phases of Midlife...............................................................11Introduction........................................................................................13Three The Midlife Checklist©: Which Phase (Or Phases) of Midlife Am I In?.....................15Four My Midlife Checklist© Results: What Do They Mean?........................................25Five The Three Midlife Phases: Their Moons, Meanings, Murmurings, Movement.........................29Six The Seven Threads of Becoming: How They Weave Their Colors Into Midlife........................41Seven But, Wait! What About the Full Moon?.........................................................47PART THREE: The Three Urgent Questions of Midlife...................................................53Introduction........................................................................................55Eight Who Have I Been?.............................................................................57Nine Who Am I Now?.................................................................................91Ten Who Am I Really?...............................................................................122PART FOUR: Now What? Who and How Am I Becoming?.....................................................177Introduction........................................................................................179Eleven Five Brief Exercises........................................................................182Twelve "I Imagine Myself Becoming Someone Who ...".................................................202Afterword...........................................................................................211Acknowledgements....................................................................................213About the Author....................................................................................217More Support?.......................................................................................219Therapist's Guide...................................................................................221Appendix A What's Normal? What's Not?..............................................................247Appendix B Healthy and Unhealthy Responses to Midlife..............................................257Appendix C Symbols of the Self.....................................................................259Midlife Glossary....................................................................................261Bibliography........................................................................................277Index...............................................................................................291Back Pocket.........................................................................................303

Chapter One

Tools and Personal Choices

Midlife Check-In is a personal journey—one you can settle into. We "settle into" something when we feel safe and comfortable. Picture a place you have known that felt safe, comfortable, and relaxed for you. Maybe it was a particular room or space in a room, a place in nature, or someone's home. When you were a child, it may have been someone's lap.

Think about that special place. Feel how you have settled into it before. Enjoy the memory as you begin to settle into your Midlife Check-In process.

I encourage you to find a physical space that feels safe and comfortable for engaging in your process. Make it your own with some of the suggestions in this chapter. Make it a place you will look forward to settling into.

Two Sections: Tools and Personal Choices

The two sections below, "Tools" and "Personal Choices," will help you settle into your Midlife Check-In process. The first section suggests some tools you may want to have handy.

The second section includes choices for personalizing your check-in process. By considering your preferences in advance, you are taking charge of your journey and beginning to settle in.

TOOLS

There are four kinds of tools to consider. These include tools for:

• Comfort and Safety

• Self-Awareness

• Self-Expression

• Keeping Track of My Thoughts, Insights, and Questions

Just as your Midlife Check-In experience will be unique, so will the combination of your tools. Which ones appeal to you? Which ones would work easily with your usual style? Put a check by the tools in each category that you feel drawn to at this time.

Remember to turn off phone, pager, or anything else that beeps.

Comfort and Safety

__Quiet, private environment that calms me

__Calming music

__Singing bowl, chime, or bell with a soothing tone

__Inspiring photo of myself or of someone I admire deeply

__A cozy blanket or shawl to wrap up in as I read and reflect

__A splash of cold water on my face

__Periodic breaks: Take a walk, even just to another part of my home; step into nature; prepare a sit-down healthy lunch for myself and take time to savor each bite

Self-Awareness

__Mind open to possibilities

__My observer self who can stand alongside of me as a personal witness

__Empathy and compassion for myself

__"The Feelings Gauge" (page 8) for checking in with my feelings

__Trust in that part of me that is wise and gives good counsel

Self-Expression (See end of chapter for A Note About Self-Expression and A Note About Movement page 5.)

__Music to help me express feelings (such as joy, inner peace, sadness, excitement) through movement, art, voice

__Airy scarves that float when I move with them

__Art materials: scissors, glue, crayons, colored pencils, colored pens/markers/construction paper, clay, paints, digital programs

Keeping Track of My Thoughts, Insights and Questions

__My favorite pen or pencil

__Highlighter(s)

__"Back Pocket" (at the end of the book): A place to jot notes, keep track of your insights, ideas, and questions as you go through the process

__A blank personal notebook

(An unlined journal gives you more freedom. Instead of jotting down words, your writing tool may want to draw something or scribble unexpectedly!)

* * *

PERSONAL CHOICES

Consider the following questions and your personal preferences for:

• Comfort and Safety

• Self-Awareness

• Self-Expression

• Keeping Track of My Thoughts, Insights, and Questions

Comfort and Safety

• What physical space(s) will be the most comfortable for me while I am "checking in?"

• Who might I look to for inspiration, sharing, or emotional support?

Self-Awareness

• When is the best time for me to "check in?" (Daily? One day a week? On the weekend? Early a.m.? During p.m.? Randomly? On a personal retreat?)

Self-Expression (See end of chapter for A Note About Self-Expression and A Note About Movement, page 5.)

• Which of the following ways might I use to express my feelings and thoughts?

___writing

___sculpting with clay

___painting

___using my voice in nature

___sketching

___sharing w/a trusted friend

___drawing

___photos or other images

___creative movement

___collaging

___graphic arts

Keeping Track of My Thoughts, Insights, and Questions

• Will I record my thoughts, insights, and questions in the Back Pocket or in my personal notebook?

• Where will I keep my• Midlife Check-In book and notes?

A Note About Self-Expression

If journaling, art, music, movement, or quiet-time practice is not a part of your life, consider which one or ones might be interesting for you to explore. Remember: There is not a "right" way to use any of the techniques or media; they are for individual expression. They can allow different parts of you to "speak" about who you are and how you are. What these parts will share, when you give them freedom to express, may surprise and relieve you! Expressing yourself through the arts can gradually free you to let your imagination connect you with the spaces between the lines.

A Note About Movement

(This is not about dancing ability; it is about your willingness to move in a safe space.)

"Self-movement," or authentic movement, is "a naturally learned expression of man" (Diem (1970) in Chaitlin). Trying out movements smaller and larger, slower and faster, you can actually feel new confidence in being.

By allowing your body to move freely and with increasing spontaneity, you can feel a confidence in yourself as a worthwhile and esteemed human being. Activating your muscles and joints and making physical contact with the floor or ground can help you be in closer touch with yourself within the space; you live the experience in the moment!

Your personal movement repertoire is acquired over time through sensing and feeling, and by trying, experimenting, and creating. Moving your body and exploring the here-and-now in a defined space can help you "test" your sense of self.

When you are expressing yourself with authentic, free movements that are prompted from within you, you are moving toward greater self-expression, increased self-control, better self-understanding, increasing self-responsibility, more independence, and greater self-realization in becoming a whole person. (Ideas adapted from Chaitlin, page 87.)

Chapter Two

What Am I Feeling?

Midlife affects our feelings in new and, sometimes, strange ways. As you work with the exercises in Midlife Check-In, feelings may come up, from an unexpected chuckle to tension or tears. I recommend that you stop, every so often, notice your body state, and check in with how you are feeling. The "Feelings Gauge" described on page 8, will help you do this.

Truth Tellers

Your feelings and body sensations are your brain's messengers; they let you know the true state of your body, mind, and spirit. They are truth-tellers. We often fool ourselves about how we are feeling. For example, my thoughts and beliefs may be telling me one thing ("I'm fine!"), while my feelings and body sensations are telling a different story ("This is uncomfortable." "I don't want to think about this." "I feel ashamed when that thought/memory enters my mind." "I'm anxious." "I feel sad."). Our clenched jaw, furrowed brow, tight stomach, locked knees, or headache tells us the truth.

On the other hand, my thoughts and beliefs may be telling me, "All is well. I am at peace with this," and my body reveals that I truly am. My breathing is calm, my shoulders are relaxed and open, I feel centered, and my heart is beating at a comfortable rate.

Lying

We want to maintain harmony with others or avoid conflict, and so we tell lies. We say things like: "I'm fine" or "Everything's good." When we deny or repress the truth of our feelings, we tell lies at the emotional or body level; we lose our integrity. When we do this, there is a tension inside of us and our body, and a body part may show it. For example, our hands may clench each other, our shoulders may sag forward, our eyes may widen, our knees may lock, or our mouth may suggest sadness. Over time, being out of touch with our self emotionally can translate into physical symptoms or functional change.

The truth is not always easy for us to recognize. We may have to work to discover it. When we are in touch with what we really feel, we are better able to face our pain. When we connect with our pain and acknowledge it, we are true to ourselves.

How We Avoid Feeling Our Feelings

Some individuals live such intense lives that they do not have time for their feelings. They live life primarily from their left brain, the Land of Reason, where rational and analytical thinking rule. They are focused on what is happening from their neck up!

Many of us learned, early on, to be afraid of the feelings inside of ourselves. Through first-hand experiences and observations of our family's behaviors, we learned that expressing feelings was not ok or not safe; our true feelings were simply not acceptable. So, over the years, we played it safe and faked it. We separated from our feelings, and we buried our truth.

The fear of expressing true feelings can lead us to block out or "forget" certain unhappy or painful experiences. When we do this, we disconnect from our authentic Self, from who we are really.

Connect and Grow

When we do acknowledge our feelings and learn healthy ways to manage and express them, we become more authentic. We enhance our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. And we grow.

WHAT ARE YOU FEELING—IN THIS MOMENT?

Pause, now. Notice the sensations or "messages" your body is giving to you in this moment. Do a quick body scan: Begin at the top of your head. Notice your scalp, eyes, and jaw area. Is there tightness anywhere? Notice your shoulders: Are they pulled forward, or are they relaxed and down? Scan your torso, each arm and hand, and both legs and feet. Is there tension anywhere?

If you notice any tension or discomfort, such as tightness, pain, or churning, where is it in your body? Be sure to notice, also, which part of your body is most relaxed. Just notice ... and breathe.

Use the Feelings Gauge below to help you zero in on your feelings in this moment. Then explore "21 Ways I Can take Care of Myself Right Now" and identify ways to calm yourself, as needed.

FEELINGS GAUGE: WHAT AM I FEELING, RIGHT NOW? ©

Circle the number on the scale below that best describes how you are feeling right now, in this very moment. 0 represents the calmest feeling state and 10 represents the most upset feeling state. Descriptions of associated body sensations are shown at each extreme to help you gauge where your feelings are in this moment.

0 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ... 8 ... 9 ... 10

Clear Confused Centered Scattered Relaxed, Still Tense, Agitated Nonjudgmental Reactive, Critical Slow deep breathing Rapid breathing Resting pulse rate Fast pulse In total peace On high alert

Using the Feelings Gauge, which you will find in nearly every chapter, will help you to practice inner tracking of your current emotional state and deepen your mind-body-spirit connection.

* * *

21 WAYS I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF RIGHT NOW

It is important to have simple and effective ways to manage your tension and uncomfortable feelings in the moment. Below are 21 ideas. Using these can help you move quickly toward a more relaxed and balanced state of being.

  Check the ones you like most:

Breathe deeply and slowly Be in nature near flowers, trees, water, soothing views

Move freely to music Hug myself and breathe

Stand, stretch, walk around Ring my singing bowl

Do 10-20 jumping jacks Speak with a trusted friend

then forward slightly such as Drink a warm beverage Bend gently side to side, herbal tea, milk, soup

Beat a drum Laugh out loud

Light a candle and be with its Shift my body position and light for a few minutes breathe deeply

Hold or stroke my pet Place my hands over my heart

Move to a different space Focus on an inspiring image

Watch a funny movie Make a positive statement about myself Climb into my midlife tree

NOTE: If you happen to experience feelings of distress it may be time to take a break and relax. Symptoms may include: tension building in your chest, throat tightening, jaw clenching, tears, breathing on hold, nausea, urge to scream or yell, headache. If painful feelings are hard for you to manage in healthful ways, consider seeking professional help.

Chapter Three

The Midlife Checklist©: Which Phase (Or Phases) of Midlife Am I In?

The Midlife Checklist© MarthaElin Mountain, Ed.D., M.A., MF

DIRECTIONS

The following

 -list focuses on typical midlife experiences and behaviors. There are 50 items. Read each one and ask yourself: "Does this statement feel true about my personal experience within the last six months?" Notice if the statement resonates for you—if it feels or has felt familiar to you, during the past six months. If it does, check

  it. There can be no "right" or "wrong" answers to the Midlife Checklist©. Your responses will vary from anyone else's because of the unique aspects and experiences of who you are. Simply

  what is true for you. Items #44-50 are in two sets: one for women and one for men.

1. I want to keep the lifestyle of my 20s and early 30s alive.

2. Regrets or dissatisfactions about my life are creeping in.

3. I question my sensual and sexual appeal. I feel vulnerable in sexual or other intimate relationships.

4. More often than not, I feel a clear inner calm about where I am headed.

5. I am more and more selective about how I spend my time; I am less inclined to "do it all."

6. "Newness" draws me: new physical appearance, new pursuits, new partner(s).

7. Earlier dreams of happiness are melting away or have been shattered abruptly.

8. Something deeper than work, job, or career is calling to me.

9. I have a sense that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

10. People I used to idealize now disappointment me; new feelings of self-doubt and of doubt about my relationships are coming up.

11. I am losing older loved ones more often.

12. I have a strong sense of wanting to leave something of myself to the world.

13. Sometimes I have the urge to abandon the life I have for something entirely different.

14. I change jobs or relationships in hopes of changing my sense of who I am.

15. I am becoming less focused on the "cracks" in my physical image and more focused on who I am on the inside.

16. I feel a deep sense of being part of a larger web of influences in the world.

17. The script of past years that told me what to do next in life no longer fits.

18. I have a sense of hanging in suspension, as if my past is being amputated.

19. Life is generally less exciting, even boring.

20. There are parts of me that I keep hidden—parts that can be a bit villainous or mean-spirited at times.

21. More and more, I limit my relationships to ones I truly enjoy or want to nurture.

22. I am very comfortable with who I am; I am more flexible with gender roles and not concerned with traditional views of my role.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from MIDLIFE CHECK-IN: Who Am I—Really?by MarthaElin Mountain Copyright © 2012 by MarthaElin Mountain, Ed.D., M.A., MFT. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Publication date: 2012
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1477256245
• ISBN 13: 9781477256244
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 346