Smiles Poems...Thoughts to Ponder - Softcover

Tolmie, Stephen Paul

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1468553801 ISBN 13: 9781468553802

Publisher: AuthorHouse, 2012

Synopsis

About this ItemThe item is a book paperback or softbackThe Author Name is Tolmie, Stephen PaulThe Title is Smiles Poems...Thoughts to PonderCondition NewOther CommentsPages Count - 200. Binding type - Perfect. Content Language - English Category - POETRY / GeneralWe Use Stock ImagesBecause we have over 2 million items for sale we have to use stock images, this listing does not include the actual image of the item for sale. The purchase of this specific item is made with the understanding that the image shown in this listing is a stock image and not the actual item for sale. For example: some of our stock images include stickers, labels, price tags, hyper stickers, obi's, promotional messages, signatures and or writing which may not be available in the actual item.When possible we will add details of the items we are selling to help buyers know what is included in the item for sale. The details are provided automatically from our central master database and can sometimes be wrong. Books are released in many editions and variations, such as standard edition, re-issue, not for sale, promotional, special edition, limited edition, and many other editions and versions. The Book you receive could be any of these editions or variations. If you are looking for a specific edition or version please contact us to verify what we are selling. Gift Ideas This is a great gift idea. Hours of Service We have many warehouses, some of the warehouses process orders seven days a week, but the Administration Support Staff are located at a head office location, outside of the warehouses, and typically work only Monday to Friday. Location ID 555ziHaveit SKU ID 158269031

About this title

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Smiles Poems ... Thoughts to Ponder

By Stephen Paul Tolmie

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Stephen Paul Tolmie
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4685-5380-2

Chapter One

Smiles

... to help lighten your day

Smiles

These smiles came to me via email but decided I wanted to share them with you ...

I was in the six-item express lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward; looked into the cart and asked sweetly ... "So, which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if this happened more often?

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under all the laws they have already have passed.

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

First Woman: "You're a widow, aren't you?"

Second Woman: "I am and may my husband rest in peace ... till I get there."

First Woman: "Has there been any insanity in your family?"

Second Woman: "Yeah. My husband thinks he is the boss."

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old" the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

* * *

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the Priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

* * *

Three friends from the local congregation were asked ... "When you're in your casket and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say 'Look, he's moving'!"

* * *

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request dear," he said. "Of course John" his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die, I want you to marry George" he said. "But I thought you hated George" she said.

With his last breath, John said "I do!"

* * *

A man went to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

Very surprised by this, the Rabbi asked, "How can that be?"

The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offered this advice. "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi called the man and said, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said "Yes!" ... And the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

* * *

A friendly look ...
A kindly smile ...
One good act ...
And life's worthwhile.
Smiling is infectious.
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today ...
And I started smiling too!

Smile ... sunshine is good for your teeth!

If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine!

... these smiles came from a friend via internet ...

Words Of Wisdom

First Woman: "You're a widow aren't you?"

Second Woman: "I am and may my husband rest in peace ... till I get there."

First Woman: "Has there been any insanity in your family?"

Second Woman: "Yeah. My husband thinks he's the boss."

* * *

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful driver. I pointed out that if she was in an accident, the paper's going to print her REAL AGE.

I always let my husband do the talking ... I just do the contradicting.

We women are angels. And when somebody breaks our wings, we simply fly on broomsticks. We are "flexible" like that.

Fine Wine

From a woman ... "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

From a man ... "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full-bodied with age; go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

We women know why men like to go fishing. It's because that's the only time anyone says ... "Wow! That's a big one!"

My Job Search Smile For The Day!!!

(This is quite clever. I wonder who thinks up all this stuff.)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory; but I got canned ... COULDN'T CONCENTRATE.

Then I got a job in the woods as a lumberjack; but just couldn't hack it. So they gave me THE AXE.

After that I tried being a tailor; but wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a SEW-SEW job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory; but that was too EXHAUSTING.

Then I tried being a chef ... figured it would add a little spice to my life; but just didn't have the THYME.

Next, I attempted being a deli worker; but any way I sliced it ... couldn't cut THE MUSTARD.

My best job was a musician; but eventually found I wasn't NOTEWORTHY.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor; but didn't have any PATIENCE.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; tried hard but just didn't FIT IN.

I became a professional fisherman; but discovered I couldn't live on my NET WORTH.

Then I got a job in a workout centre; but they said I wasn't FIT FOR THE JOB.

I tried working at Starbuck's but had to quit because it was just the same OLD GRIND.

Then I tried RETIREMENT and found I am PERFECT for the job!

How To Tell The Sex Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies", he replied.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep ... 3 males and 2 females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked him "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on the can of beer; 2 were on the telephone."

... the following email came to me on my home computer ...

Wisdom Down Through The Ages

Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind; it doesn't matter. (Mark Twain)

A friend is ... as it were ... a "second" self. (Cicero)

You can't help getting older; but you don't have to get OLD. (George Burns)

To have JOY ... one must share it. (Lord Burns)

To have a good FRIEND is one of the greatest delights of life. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

LOVE doesn't make the world go round; but it makes the ride worthwhile. (Franklin P. Jones)

Laughter is the medicine of LIFE. (Madelaine Bamford)

Wisdom From Our Peers

Falling in love is easy; staying in love is something very special.

A FRIEND is someone who reaches for your hand; but touches your heart.

Growing OLD is inevitable; growing UP is optional.

Laughter is the shortest distance between friends.

Happiness is an expected HUG.

Friends have a way of speaking without words.

It's very important to have a "twinkle" in your "wrinkle".

Never look down on anyone ... unless you're helping them up!

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more, when you can share it with someone special.

Hold on tight to the ones you love!

This Sums Up Life Pretty Well

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world ... real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. However, upon reflection we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who took:

The MELODY out of music;
The PRIDE out of appearance;
The ROMANCE out of love;
The COMMITMENT out of marriage;
The RESPONSIBILITY out of parenthood;
The TOGETHERNESS out of family;
The LEARNING out of education;
The SERVICE out of patriotism;
The GOLDEN RULE from rulers;
The NATIVITY SCENE out of cities;
The DEDICATION out of employment;
The PRUDENCE out of spending;
The AMBITION out of achievement ... or
GOD out of government and schools.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated PATIENCE and TOLERANCE from personal relationships and interacting with others. And we do understand the meaning of "patriotism" and remember those who fought and died for our country. Just look at the senior citizens with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their heart.

Yes, I am a senior citizen! I'm the life of the party ... even if it lasts until 8:00 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps ... with a hammer. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I smile all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. I'm sure everything is in a safe, secure place ... somewhere. I'm saggy, wrinkled and lumpy. I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I am having the time of my life!

The Most Functional English Word

Well ... it's SHIT ... that's right SHIT!!!

Shit may be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit; while others cannot tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit or "duck" whenever shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit; some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit; things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember ... once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. You can pass this along if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit.

Well shit. It's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I give a shit and hope you have a nice day without a bunch of shit. But, if you happen to catch a load of shit from some shit-head ... well, sorry but "shit" happens!

... thanks Mom for suggesting this one should be included ... This was my Mom's most used word. When she was stressed or when life threw her a curve, we would always hear it. So ... Nellie Irene Tolmie ... I have included this poem with the most affectionate love a son can give to his Mother.

Can You Believe It ? They Returned My Census Form

In response to the question ... "Do you have any dependents?"

I replied: "2.1 million illegal immigrants 1.1 million crack-heads 4.4 million unemployable people 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons and 565 idiots in Parliament."

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

My question is this ... "Who did I miss?"

For All Those Who Enjoy Blonde Jokes

(my profound apologies)

A blonde goes over to her friend's house, wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?" asked her friend.

"O crap!" says the blonde. "I didn't realize it was a religious tee-shirt. I thought it meant . . . 'Tits Go In Front'."

* * *

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that "it just died".

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says ... "What's the story?"

He replies ... "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks ... "How often do I have to do that??"

* * *

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff ... "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

* * *

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights an siren, the trooper cranked down his window; turned on his bullhorn and yelled ... "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said ... "We were the first in space!"

The American said . . . "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde said ... "So what! We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To this the blonde replied ... "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

* * *

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature". Her question was ... "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked ... "Is it on or off?"

* * *

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs. She asked what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named "Rolex" and one was named "Timex".

Her friend said ... "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOO ..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

... For Your Reading Pleasure ...

Stephen Paul Tolmie

A Mother's Love

A Mother's love is given in great quantity.
There is no height, nor depth to it;
nor width, nor length you see.
There is no beginning and no end.
A mother gives and gives some more
through all eternity.
Her store of love is deep ...
as deep as the sea.

She is always ready to give her love
her time and energy.
She is never unapproachable
and always first on the scene.

So to you, my Mother
I give a slight bit of me;
Not in the same proportions ...
but still enough indeed.
I can never repay you for your love,
your time, your energy.

But in some small way, I hope to say
my love forever, I give to thee.
You have always been there for me
There's nothing more I need.

As I write this poem just for you
you'll be close in my heart with me
from now through all eternity.

Stephen Paul Tolmie

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Smiles Poems ... Thoughts to Ponderby Stephen Paul Tolmie Copyright © 2012 by Stephen Paul Tolmie. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Publication date: 2012
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1468553801
• ISBN 13: 9781468553802
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 200