25 Questions You're Afraid To Ask About Love, Sex, And Inti - Softcover

Juli Slattery

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0802413420 ISBN 13: 9780802413420

Publisher: Moody Press, 2015

Synopsis

Is ______ok in the bedroom?<br/>If I'm single, how far is too far?<br/>How do I get past my shame?

Whether you are married or single, having great sex or no sex, your sexuality is inseparable from your spirituality. Sadly, most churches are silent on the subject.

Dr. Juli Slattery is breaking the silence.

In 25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex, and Intimacy, she tackles the most common and critical questions women ask her about sexuality, like:

• What if I don't like sex?
• Can I be single and sexual?
• Is masturbation a sin?
• How do I make time to make love?
• What if I want sex more than my husband does?

Candid, wise, and practically minded, Dr. Slattery addresses matters like sexual abuse, pornography, betrayal in marriage, intimacy in the bedroom, singleness, and more, calling women to think biblically about all areas of their sexuality.

Find answers to your questions, liberation from your fears, and freedom to explore God's good gifts of love, sex, and intimacy.

About this title

About the Author

DR. JULI SLATTERY is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker and broadcast media professional, with a weekly radio program called "Java with Juli." Dr. Slattery is the co-founder of "Authentic Intimacy," an international non-profit designed to minister to women on topics around intimacy and sexuality. Her books include Pulling Back the Shades, Passion Pursuit, Beyond the Masquerade, Finding the Hero in Your Husband, and No More Headaches. She currently sits on the board of trustees for Moody Bible Institute. Juli and her husband, Mike, have been married for 20 years, and are raising their three boys in Colorado Springs where Juli can be found playing in the mountains and trying to manage her addiction to soy lattes.

From the Back Cover

Is ______ok in the bedroom?

If I'm single, how far is too far?

How do I get past my shame?

Whether you are married or single, having great sex or no sex, your sexuality is inseparable from your spirituality. Sadly, most churches are silent on the subject.

Dr. Juli Slattery is breaking the silence.

In 25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex, and Intimacy, she tackles the most common and critical questions women ask her about sexuality. Candid, wise, and practically minded, Dr. Slattery addresses sexual abuse, pornography, betrayal in marriage, intimacy in the bedroom, singleness, and more, calling women to think biblically about all areas of their sexuality.

#25QuestionsBook

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex, and Intimacy

By Juli Slattery, Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse

Moody Publishers

Copyright © 2015 Juli Slattery
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-8024-1342-0

Contents

Introduction, 9, 
Question 1: What's the big deal about sex?, 13, 
Question 2: Who are you to judge my sexual choices?, 21, 
Question 3: Can I be single and sexual?, 31, 
Question 4: Is it wrong to like sex?, 39, 
Question 5: And I waited for this?, 47, 
Question 6: Why do guys care so much about sex?, 53, 
Question 7: What if I want sex more than my husband does?, 61, 
Question 8: How adventurous can we be in bed?, 69, 
Question 9: Is ________ okay in the bedroom? (You fill in the blank!), 77, 
Question 10: What do my temptations say about me?, 87, 
Question 11: How do I get past my shame?, 93, 
Question 12: How do I know he is the one?, 101, 
Question 13: How far is too far?, 109, 

CHAPTER 1

WHAT'S the BIG DEAL ~ about ~ SEX?

I can remember being a teenager, babysitting at my sister's house. On her nightstand, she had a book about sex. I was intrigued; I was curious. I would never have admitted that to anyone back then, but in the privacy of her house I looked through the book. Asking questions outright about sex was just awkward and embarrassing. It seemed easier to find the answers in a book. Librarians will tell you that books on sexuality are not often checked out, but are secretly paged through. The Internet means you can get information without even having to find a book. The topic of sex makes us curious, interested, filled with shame, and sometimes even disgusted.

One look at the marketing techniques of Madison Avenue will tell you that sex is a powerful force. It is used to sell alcohol, cars, and everything else. Television shows and movies are filled with sexual scenes and innuendos. Approximately 15 percent of searches on the Internet are related to porn. Thirty percent of those looking for porn are women.

Because we rarely admit the power of our sexuality, it works in subversive ways, impacting our choices and often becoming a formidable source of temptation and frustration.

What you think about sex matters

Human sexuality is an essential aspect of who we are as children of God. God purposefully created us as sexual beings and intentionally designed our sexuality to be a powerful force. Because Christians often don't talk or teach about sex, women are confused about what to do with their sexuality. The worlds resources like random blogs, erotic novels, and women's magazines seem to have more sexual advice than Christian resources. So women are left with the assumption that God just doesn't have that much to say about sex — other than "don't do it until you're married."

I've met hundreds of Christian women who are struggling with sexual issues. In the silence of the church, they are left to sort through harrowing experiences like childhood sexual abuse, exposure to porn, raging temptation, homosexual thoughts, and betrayal in marriage.

Many women feel like sexuality has hijacked their happiness, and it certainly seems to be a barrier to honoring God. We desperately need God's perspective on sexuality. Fortunately, the Bible has a lot to say on the topic. Some of it might surprise you. We all have thoughts and beliefs about sex that are not based on truth. Maybe the lies you believe about sex came from poor teaching (or deafening silence) in religious settings. Wherever the misinformation came from, it impacts the choices we make. Here is a common example:

Kassandra experienced sexual abuse from a boy in the neighborhood. She didn't tell anyone because she was scared and ashamed to admit it to her Christian parents. As a twelve-year-old girl, she drew many conclusions about herself and about sexuality. Without ever voicing these thoughts, she believed lies like "Sex is dirty. I'm damaged goods. The only way I can ever get a boy's attention is through giving him sex. I will never be pure again." As a teenager, Kassandra moved from boy to boy, and had a secret unplanned pregnancy that ended in abortion. Kassandra is now a forty-year-old wife and mother. Even though she looks like a wonderful Christian woman on the outside, these unspoken messages, violations, and secret sins still dominate her thinking and impact her marriage. She loves the Lord and reads the Bible, but she doesn't quite know how to be free from the shame of her past.

I've met many "Kassandras" over the years. Their faces flash before me even now as I write. They don't know how to be free from the bondage of the past. If you truly want to see the gift of sexuality as it was created to be experienced, you must be willing to expose the lies you've believed as measured by the truth of God's Word.

You can't separate your sexuality from your spirituality

Here is perhaps the most profound truth I have learned from studying what God says about sex: Whether you are single or married, having great sex or no sex, your sexuality is inseparable from your spirituality. In fact, every sexual choice is also a spiritual choice. Sex isn't just about sex.

Take a moment to digest that. Most Christian women have built a thick wall between their sexuality and spirituality. Their sexual fantasies, sexual shame, and temptations are far removed from their desire to please and know the Lord. I believe that the walls we build between the sexual and spiritual are only imaginary. Confusion and hidden pain related to sex is intricately intertwined with our present relationship with God.

John Piper wrote, "The ultimate reason (not the only reason) why we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable."

What do you think of the above quote? Kind of a paradigm shift, isn't it? God created sex for a lot of reasons — for procreation, for pleasure, for intimate knowing between a husband and wife. However, one of the most important reasons He created sex is to communicate about Himself.

God understands that we are limited creatures — that we have difficulty grasping spiritual truths. All throughout Scripture, God paints physical pictures to explain spiritual truths. For example, in John 15, He used the physical picture of a grapevine to explain what looks like to abide in Christ. God even tells us to do physical things (like take communion) in order to remember spiritual truths (like Jesus' sacrifice for our sins).

God created sex and the covenant of marriage to be a brilliant metaphor of how deeply He knows us and longs for us to know Him. It's not just John Piper who says this. Consider this fact. The Hebrew word for sexual intimacy between a husband and wife in the Old Testament is the word yada, which literally means, "to know deeply or intimately." The word yada appears in the Old Testament over 940 times. No, there isn't that much sex in the Old Testament. The word yada is most often used to describe intimacy with God — His with us, and ours with Him. Here are a few examples:

You have searched me, Lord, and you yada me. (Psalm 139:1)

In all your ways yada him and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:6)

Moses said to the Lord ... "If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may yada you and continue to find favor with you." (Exodus 33:12–13)

Sexual intimacy is a powerful picture of the gospel — of the degree of intimacy and ecstasy we are capable of having with God. The Christian marriage is designed to showcase this masterpiece. The promise of marriage (till death do us part) is an echo of God's covenant love, "I will never leave you or forsake you." The romantic longings of a single woman mirror the longings of a bride who is waiting for the ultimate salvation — the coming of Jesus Christ. To the extent that our understanding and experience of sexuality is damaged and twisted, our view of God is compromised.

Your sexuality isn't just about what you choose to do with your body. It's about living out a holy metaphor within the messiness of a fallen and broken world.

Here's the takeaway: What you think about sex really matters. Having God's perspective on the topic, whether you are single or married, is a vital piece of your growth as a daughter of God.

A call to sexual discipleship

My guess is that you probably haven't seen those two words together. What is sexual discipleship? Our approach to sexuality is often compartmentalized. A loving parent has the "sex talk" with her son or daughter in adolescence. Maybe once a year the pastor mentions the importance of sexual purity. But our understanding of sex is rarely integrated with the rest of who we are as Christ-followers.

The result of this is that Christians often commit their lives to Christ but reserve their sexuality for themselves. There are men and women who have left everything and moved to the mission field, yet continue to exercise their sexuality according to their own desire. A godly wife insists, "It's my body — my right. I don't owe my husband anything in the bedroom." Others study at Bible college to prepare for full-time ministry while sleeping around or looking at porn.

One reason for this disconnect is that we don't have a practical theology of sex. Most of us don't have a clue how much worldly teaching has infiltrated our thinking about sex. Throughout a lifetime in the Western world, we will be bombarded with millions of messages and examples exalting sexual immorality. Although the Bible has a lot to say about sex, we rarely hear this message.

Hudson Taylor wrote, "If God is not Lord of all, He is not Lord at all." Let me ask you a personal question. Is God Lord of your sexuality? If someone were to look solely at your sexuality, would there be evidence that Jesus Christ is your Savior and Lord?

A follower of Christ intentionally sets his or her mind on what the Spirit desires, not what the flesh demands. Sexual discipleship means that you are willing to yield this very personal and vulnerable area of your life completely to the Lord, trusting that His ways are good.

Throughout this book, we will be tackling some very practical questions about sex. My hope is that the Lord will reveal how we can surrender even this most intimate area of our lives to Him. As God brings His truth and healing into your heart, may you grow closer to Him in all areas of your life. Thanks for joining me on this journey!

CHAPTER 2

WHO are You to JUDGE MY SEXUAL CHOICES?

Okay. Let me just put it out there. As we wade through the waters of women's most common questions about sex, we may step on some toes. We're not going to get very far in this book before something you read seems offensive and even judgmental. After all, you can't address cohabitation, erotica, masturbation, and homosexuality without ruffling some feathers. I will take a moral stand within the perspectives I offer on these topics. Why? Because I truly believe that God designed sexuality, and He knows a lot more about it than anyone else does. I also believe that God is loving when He says "no" to something, it is ultimately for our benefit.

I have the advantage as a psychologist to see this truth play out in real life. There are consequences when we violate God's standard. As common as they have become, divorce, sexual abuse, "hooking up," abortion, and adultery always leave pain in their wake. The idea of "free love" and everyone making up their own morality has led to bondage, not freedom. Depression, addictions, and almost every other psychological disorder are on the rise, not the decline, and the prevailing attitudes of moral relativism are partly to blame. It's time to admit that our experiment with "anything goes" sexuality isn't bringing us happiness in the long run.

Many Christians living in this postmodern world just want to keep their mouths shut instead of taking a moral stand on sexual ethics. They fear being perceived as offensive or unloving. But what would you think of a doctor who, in the spirit of being nonjudgmental, won't tell his obese patient that his lifestyle could kill him? Or an accountant who hates confrontation and so doesn't warn her clients that they are violating the tax code?

The most unloving thing I could do throughout this book is to withhold the truth about God's design for sex. By sharing my beliefs, I am not telling you what to choose for your own life. That is between you and God. But please understand that sharing biblical truth is NOT the same as judging. Here are a few key reasons why.

Sharing a biblical perspective is appealing to a moral authority.

Throughout hundreds of generations, the Bible has been viewed as the trusted authority of truth and morality. Jews, Christians, and even many governments use the Judeo-Christian ethic expressed in the Bible (like the Ten Commandments) as the basis for moral understanding. To fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. While many people today want to chuck the Bible and embrace relativism, it is not judgmental or arrogant to hold to God's Word as a moral standard. In fact, we could argue the arrogance of relying on "what seems right to me" instead of trusting that our Creator has expressed His will for us regarding right and wrong.

But in today's culture, right and wrong are sorted through a grid of how we think, how we understand life, and what we perceive as being the best for ourselves and our fellow humans. Essentially, human beings are gods with the authority to determine our own moral compass.

From this worldview, morality is defined as "do no harm." Ethics and morality are measured by whether or not people are hurt. "She's not hurting anyone, so how could she be doing something wrong?"

Can something be immoral even if it doesn't "hurt" someone else? Up until a few decades ago, we considered ourselves a "God-fearing" society. Even those who didn't claim to be Christians had a sense of honoring God as a moral authority. Consensual sex outside of marriage, visiting strip clubs, and swearing were immoral even though they didn't "harm" others. Morality was based on God's expressed design for how and why He created humanity. Now it seems like everything is okay as long as no one gets hurt. This is humanism at its finest. Even God exists only if He suits our purposes. Paul predicted that we would be exactly in this place (see 2 Timothy 3).

If you are a follower of the Lord, you cant base moral decisions primarily on how those decisions affect other people. A biblical definition of right and wrong is based first and foremost on honoring and revering God. Before Jesus told us to "love your neighbors as yourself," He said that the greatest command was to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Even more important than how we treat each other is the complete surrender to and worship of our Creator. We have no greater call on our lives than to submit to His will and His design.

The thoughts in this book are about more than my personal opinions or experiences. I'm not the one who decided that sleeping around is morally wrong. Actually, my opinion on the topic isn't worth a whole lot. Anything I say or teach needs to come from a source much more trustworthy than my experiences and conclusions.

If there is no God, our cultural values are correct — everyone should do what is right in their own eyes. But if there is a God, we must worship Him and submit to His will as revealed in the Bible. He is the only one who has the authority to define morality, "for there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God" (Romans 13:1 NASB).

I'm just as accountable to these standards as you are.

When confronted with a Christian sexual ethic, people love to quote Jesus' words, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" (Matthew 7:1). Right after this statement, Jesus explains that we must first take the log out of our own eye before we can see clearly to take the speck of dust out of our brother's eye. In other words, none of us are ready to make a proper judgment until we have asked God to search our own hearts. This is where we often fall into hypocritically judging other people. We look at their sexual sin as far more serious than our own rationalized "shortcomings."

Perhaps this is one reason why there is so much pushback against evangelical statements about homosexuality. Christians quote Romans 1 as evidence that the gay lifestyle is immoral. What they often fail to do is apply the first few verses of Romans 2 in that discussion. Paul writes,

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgments do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? (Romans 2:1–3)

(Continues...)

Excerpted from 25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex, and Intimacy by Juli Slattery, Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse. Copyright © 2015 Juli Slattery. Excerpted by permission of Moody Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: Moody Press
• Publication date: 2015
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0802413420
• ISBN 13: 9780802413420
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 224