Someone Other Than a Mother: Flipping the Scripts on a Woman's Purpose and Making Meaning Beyond Motherhood - Hardcover

Erin S. Lane

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0593329317 ISBN 13: 9780593329313

Publisher: TarcherPerigee, 2022

Synopsis

Theologian Erin S. Lane overturns dominant narratives about motherhood and inspires women to write their own stories. <p/>Cultural scripts about motherhood are so deeply ingrained that we've come to accept them as universal truth, putting moms on an impossible pedestal and shaming childless women and nontraditional families for not measuring up. We've all heard these lines before: <p/> - "Parenting is the toughest job in the world." This idea undermines the work of non-moms and puts pressure on moms (because the burden still falls disproportionately to women) to make parenting their full-time gig.
- "It'll be different when you have your own." Not only does this idea diminish the love of non-biological parents, but it pushes parents to go it alone, when in fact children are a gift best shared.
- "Family is the greatest legacy." For many, children are the ultimate sign of a life well lived, and successes in other areas are discounted, but this book explores how women are making meaning beyond mothering and leaving a legacy predicated on more than DNA. <p/>Interweaving Lane's story with those of others who also chose to go off-script--including singles and couples, stepparents and foster parents, the infertile and the ambivalent--Someone Other Than a Mother creates a vision for a woman's life that affirms the beauty of motherhood while decoupling female purpose from procreation.

About this title

About the Author

Erin S. Lane is a theologian and author of Lessons in Belonging from a Church-Going Commitment Phobe. She earned a master's of theological studies with a focus on gender studies from Duke University and is a vocational retreat facilitator alongside Parker J. Palmer at the Center for Courage & Renewal. She resides with her improbable kin in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

 

Script: Your Biological Clock Is Ticking

 

Rewrite: The Sound of Your Genuine Is Calling

 

There is in every person something that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in herself.

 -Howard Thurman

It's been a little over a year since I legally became a parent after decades of being childfree. This isn't even the strangest part, although I'm having a terrible time trying to explain myself to myself. The strangest part about becoming a parent has been the reaction from my community. Elation. Relief. Recognition. One friend expressed shock-"Holy shit. Okay then."-when I shared the news, but nearly everyone else responded as if motherhood was not only the most exciting thing I'd ever done but also inevitable. "I knew you'd come around to having children," my aunt confessed, "even if you had to do it unconventionally."

It's possible that a large part of the fervor was precisely because Rush and I had come to parenting unconventionally. Our people, which is to say White, Christian, American people, do love a good adoption story. We are nothing if not optimistic about the salvific power of family. Still, while it may be highly praised, it is not highly practiced. "Bless you," the church ladies would say to me in one breath, followed by, "I could never do what you did," in the next.

To be fair to all our enthusiasts, most women do end their childbearing years with children of some kind. But I have not "come around" to being one of them. I can still hardly call myself a mom, though I do understand that this is a widely agreed-upon word for a female parent. There are good reasons for my resistance. One, the girls already have a woman whom they call Mami, and neither they nor I are interested in replacing her. Two, I never really intended on becoming a mom, so while I've been researching the role for some years, I've had scant time to make it my own. (That I want to make it my own-as precious and unique as an individual snowflake-is, I'll give you, a very modern dilemma.) And three, I am keen to believe that a woman doesn't have to be a mom in order to be Someone.

It must be said, or people will worry, that I care deeply for the three small Someones-hereafter referred to as Oldest, Middle, and Youngest-under my roof. I care deeply that they are safe and supported and capable of penning a handwritten thank-you note when the occasion calls for it. Hours of my life are given to scheming what helps each of them to be a human person. Is it a beautiful book? A sewing class? A different parenting strategy? Giving up on the strategies entirely for a while? There is little I like more than sitting shoulder to shoulder with a child while we order personal hygiene products from Target.

So, I am doing the work of loving and living for more than myself, even if I, like many parents, do not enjoy it half the time. This is not my main trouble with motherhood. My main trouble is that I thought I was doing this work, albeit with different people, before I became a mother, and I do not fully get why people are so galvanized by my life now. Or what was so uninspiring about my life before.

A life before motherhood has historically and stereotypically been cast as a prepubescent version of what it could be. Nothing wrong with it, in theory, but to try and stay there forever would be to enact, in the words of C. S. Lewis, "a perpetual springtime." It would be small-minded, underdeveloped, and not just a little bit narcissistic. A perpetual springtime would also be highly unnatural anywhere but San Francisco.

And so, I've taken it upon myself to start sitting down with friends, especially friends not mothering, or not mothering traditionally, and grabbing them by the proverbial hands to say, "Motherhood is not inevitable. Finding your purpose in motherhood is not inevitable. You are not inevitable." In other words, I want to tell them what I wish someone had told me.

More to the point, I want to know how I might embrace my life as a parent without dismissing my life as a nonparent. Contentment, I've gathered, can be a good look. Contentment with conviction.

Edition details

• Publisher: TarcherPerigee
• Publication date: 2022
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0593329317
• ISBN 13: 9780593329313
• Binding: Hardcover
• Number of pages: 256