Synopsis
All those baby boomers who have embarked on the journey of raising their second and third children have found themselves left in the lurch by existing child care literature. Now child care expert Nancy Samalin, who has earned a reputation for her forgiving and empowering approach to parenting, brings her inspiring outlook to this guide to the pitfalls and rewards of parenting two or more children.
Parents who consider themselves pros after the first child are in for a surprise when the encounter life after the second child is born and beyond. Suddenly their world is an exhausting haze of competing demands, perpetual squabbling, sibling rivalry, complaints of unfairness and "you love him more" (and sometimes you do), unrelenting stress, and a pervasive sense of guilt and inadequacy. Culled from her years of workshops with hundreds of parents, Nancy Samalin shares the trials and joys of parenthood and provides specific advice on steering your way through the parenting rapids. This is a must-read for today's harried parents.
"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.
About the Author
Nancy Samalin, the founder and director of Parent Guidance Workshops, presents lectures and workshops to thousands of parents and professionals worldwide. She is the author, with Catherine Whitney, of Loving Each One Best.
Catherine Whitney is the coauthor of numerous bestselling books on health and wellness.
From the Back Cover
by boomers who have embarked on the journey of raising their second and third children have found themselves left in the lurch by existing child care literature. Now child care expert Nancy Samalin, who has earned a reputation for her forgiving and empowering approach to parenting, brings her inspiring outlook to this guide to the pitfalls and rewards of parenting two or more children.
Parents who consider themselves pros after the first child are in for a surprise when the encounter life after the second child is born and beyond. Suddenly their world is an exhausting haze of competing demands, perpetual squabbling, sibling rivalry, complaints of unfairness and "you love him more" (and sometimes you do), unrelenting stress, and a pervasive sense of guilt and inadequacy. Culled from her years of workshops with hundreds of parents, Nancy Samalin shares the trials and joys of parenthood and provides specific advice on steering your way through the parenting rapids. Th
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Loving Each One Best
A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings
By Nancy Samalin, Catherine WhitneyRandom House Publishing Group
Copyright © 1997 Nancy Samalin
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-553-37834-4All rights reserved.
Chapter 1
From One to a Handful
Parents teach in the toughest school in the world—the school for making people. You are the board of ed, the principal, the teacher, and the janitor all rolled into two … and there is no general agreement on the curriculum. You are on duty, or at least on call, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years for each child you have.
—Virginia Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
My son Eric was only three months old when I realized I might be pregnant again. My initial reaction was “I can’t believe this is happening!” Full of apprehension, I made an appointment with my doctor for a pregnancy test.
But a funny thing happened in the doctor’s office. When he told me that, yes, I was pregnant, instead of feeling despair, I was elated. I knew I had wanted two children, although I’d never expected them to be so close in age. Yet, suddenly it seemed like a great idea. Now we’d be more than just two adults and a child. We’d be a “whole” family. As I prepared for the arrival of my second child, I often found myself daydreaming about the way it would be, conjuring up heartwarming pictures of happy harmony. I imagined my children as loving companions, lifelong buddies who would grow up together, share secrets, develop fierce loyalties, be friends through thick and thin. The prospect brought me an intense anticipation of pride and pleasure.
But as is so often the case, reality was very different from the rosy ideal. I was completely caught off guard by the challenge of raising two sons—the extra pressures, the exhaustion, the feeling that I had to mediate every argument, the fear that they would never love one another. I hated the shrill sound of my voice barking orders, nagging, pleading for peace. The harmonious world of my dreams was replaced by the war zone of our daily life together.
Of course, I blamed myself. Surely, if I had been a more competent parent, I would be able to instill in them the desire to be more loving toward one another, and teach them how to end their fighting and bickering. I spent a lot of time feeling inadequate, but had I only been more knowledgeable about the normal dynamics between brothers, I would have realized that rivalry, conflict, and competition were inevitable, and they could even be a healthy part of a sibling relationship.
Contrary to my worst fears, their childhood conflicts did not set Eric and Todd up for a lifetime of hard feelings. Just the opposite. My sons are young men now, and they have weathered their childhood rivalry quite cheerfully. None of my worst fears has come to pass. Better still, their lives have been immensely enriched by their relationship. Long before they reached adulthood, they had become each other’s best friends and confidants, and they remain so today. Although they live in different cities, they speak almost daily on the phone. Their closeness gives me great joy. As I think back to those years when I worried so much, I can’t believe how much energy I wasted.
Who Has Answers?
When I was approached to write a book about raising more than one child, my first reaction was “Are there really workable answers to all the problems and complexities within the sibling relationship?” And my second concern was “Do parents really want or need a book like this? Haven’t they already been inundated with too much advice?” But as I began to talk to parents about the idea, I was astonished by the amount of passion they felt about this issue—and how eager they were to find practical, workable suggestions and new solutions to try.
Many parents were surprised and disappointed, as I had once been, that having that first child had not made them “experts” on being parents. Faced with their second, third, and fourth child, they still felt tremendous insecurity, and were very enthusiastic about the idea of a book that would address their concerns. I heard again and again of their surprise that having many children, or even two children, was such a huge difference from having one, and how unprepared they felt to deal with it. They couldn’t believe how much additional work it was to have more than one, how many more decisions there were to make, how complex and unique each child was.
Yet, as I began to see the urgent need for such a book, I felt troubled by the enormity of the task. I honestly wondered whether there were any real solutions to the chaos and stress of sibling demands and squabbling. What could I tell parents that would ease the load, give them practical tools, provide support and hope? I saw that people were searching for something more profound than simply a collection of “parenting tips.” They were looking for real answers to concrete dilemmas. In every group of parents, as soon as I raised the issue of siblings, the floodgates opened. Deep feelings and admissions, previously unspoken, came pouring out:
• The mother who breast-fed her baby in secret because she feared her six-year-old daughter would feel jealous and abandoned.
• The mother who described in dismay how her formerly angelic young son was transformed into a “monster”—starting with the moment he pinched his newborn brother on the way home from the hospital.
• The working mom whose days and nights were such an exhausted blur that she was losing the ability to find pleasure in her children.
• The father burdened by his “guilty secret”—that he loved his third child best.
• The mother of four who complained that the endless caretaking made her feel like a drudge—“Everyone else comes first, and there’s nothing left for me,” she reported wearily.
• The mother who was moved to tears when her son confessed, “I hate my sister. I hate her!”
• The father who couldn’t believe his eyes when he found his four-year-old trying to strangle her two-year-old brother.
• The woman who grieved over the lost intimacy she had once shared with her firstborn.
• The father who admitted that since the arrival of his third child he worked extra-long hours to avoid the chaos at home.
• The parent who, as an only child herself, was horrified by the way her three children argued and fought.
There were moments of humor, too—albeit ironic humor:
• The mother who gradually lowered her expectations to the point where “My goal in life is five uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom.”
• The couple who spent their seventh wedding anniversary eating a “romantic” candlelit dinner of leftover pizza after the kids were finally in bed.
• The woman who confessed, “My oldest was a poster child for the five food groups of nutritious eating. My third child—one of the first words out of his mouth was ‘McDonald’s.’ ”
But whether the words are spoken with humor or irony, the underlying message is the same: So many parents of more than one child admit to feeling pushed to the breaking point. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that they don’t experience enormous joy and satisfaction. I’ve rarely met a parent who regretted the decision to have more than one child. But often the satisfaction is blunted by feelings of frustration, disappointment, exhaustion, and guilt. Parents are eager to know if they can change things, and if so, how.
From One to a Handful
Parents teach in the toughest school in the world—the school for making people. You are the board of ed, the principal, the teacher, and the janitor all rolled into two … and there is no general agreement on the curriculum. You are on duty, or at least on call, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years for each child you have.
—Virginia Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
My son Eric was only three months old when I realized I might be pregnant again. My initial reaction was “I can’t believe this is happening!” Full of apprehension, I made an appointment with my doctor for a pregnancy test.
But a funny thing happened in the doctor’s office. When he told me that, yes, I was pregnant, instead of feeling despair, I was elated. I knew I had wanted two children, although I’d never expected them to be so close in age. Yet, suddenly it seemed like a great idea. Now we’d be more than just two adults and a child. We’d be a “whole” family. As I prepared for the arrival of my second child, I often found myself daydreaming about the way it would be, conjuring up heartwarming pictures of happy harmony. I imagined my children as loving companions, lifelong buddies who would grow up together, share secrets, develop fierce loyalties, be friends through thick and thin. The prospect brought me an intense anticipation of pride and pleasure.
But as is so often the case, reality was very different from the rosy ideal. I was completely caught off guard by the challenge of raising two sons—the extra pressures, the exhaustion, the feeling that I had to mediate every argument, the fear that they would never love one another. I hated the shrill sound of my voice barking orders, nagging, pleading for peace. The harmonious world of my dreams was replaced by the war zone of our daily life together.
Of course, I blamed myself. Surely, if I had been a more competent parent, I would be able to instill in them the desire to be more loving toward one another, and teach them how to end their fighting and bickering. I spent a lot of time feeling inadequate, but had I only been more knowledgeable about the normal dynamics between brothers, I would have realized that rivalry, conflict, and competition were inevitable, and they could even be a healthy part of a sibling relationship.
Contrary to my worst fears, their childhood conflicts did not set Eric and Todd up for a lifetime of hard feelings. Just the opposite. My sons are young men now, and they have weathered their childhood rivalry quite cheerfully. None of my worst fears has come to pass. Better still, their lives have been immensely enriched by their relationship. Long before they reached adulthood, they had become each other’s best friends and confidants, and they remain so today. Although they live in different cities, they speak almost daily on the phone. Their closeness gives me great joy. As I think back to those years when I worried so much, I can’t believe how much energy I wasted.
Who Has Answers?
When I was approached to write a book about raising more than one child, my first reaction was “Are there really workable answers to all the problems and complexities within the sibling relationship?” And my second concern was “Do parents really want or need a book like this? Haven’t they already been inundated with too much advice?” But as I began to talk to parents about the idea, I was astonished by the amount of passion they felt about this issue—and how eager they were to find practical, workable suggestions and new solutions to try.
Many parents were surprised and disappointed, as I had once been, that having that first child had not made them “experts” on being parents. Faced with their second, third, and fourth child, they still felt tremendous insecurity, and were very enthusiastic about the idea of a book that would address their concerns. I heard again and again of their surprise that having many children, or even two children, was such a huge difference from having one, and how unprepared they felt to deal with it. They couldn’t believe how much additional work it was to have more than one, how many more decisions there were to make, how complex and unique each child was.
Yet, as I began to see the urgent need for such a book, I felt troubled by the enormity of the task. I honestly wondered whether there were any real solutions to the chaos and stress of sibling demands and squabbling. What could I tell parents that would ease the load, give them practical tools, provide support and hope? I saw that people were searching for something more profound than simply a collection of “parenting tips.” They were looking for real answers to concrete dilemmas. In every group of parents, as soon as I raised the issue of siblings, the floodgates opened. Deep feelings and admissions, previously unspoken, came pouring out:
• The mother who breast-fed her baby in secret because she feared her six-year-old daughter would feel jealous and abandoned.
• The mother who described in dismay how her formerly angelic young son was transformed into a “monster”—starting with the moment he pinched his newborn brother on the way home from the hospital.
• The working mom whose days and nights were such an exhausted blur that she was losing the ability to find pleasure in her children.
• The father burdened by his “guilty secret”—that he loved his third child best.
• The mother of four who complained that the endless caretaking made her feel like a drudge—“Everyone else comes first, and there’s nothing left for me,” she reported wearily.
• The mother who was moved to tears when her son confessed, “I hate my sister. I hate her!”
• The father who couldn’t believe his eyes when he found his four-year-old trying to strangle her two-year-old brother.
• The woman who grieved over the lost intimacy she had once shared with her firstborn.
• The father who admitted that since the arrival of his third child he worked extra-long hours to avoid the chaos at home.
• The parent who, as an only child herself, was horrified by the way her three children argued and fought.
There were moments of humor, too—albeit ironic humor:
• The mother who gradually lowered her expectations to the point where “My goal in life is five uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom.”
• The couple who spent their seventh wedding anniversary eating a “romantic” candlelit dinner of leftover pizza after the kids were finally in bed.
• The woman who confessed, “My oldest was a poster child for the five food groups of nutritious eating. My third child—one of the first words out of his mouth was ‘McDonald’s.’ ”
But whether the words are spoken with humor or irony, the underlying message is the same: So many parents of more than one child admit to feeling pushed to the breaking point. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that they don’t experience enormous joy and satisfaction. I’ve rarely met a parent who regretted the decision to have more than one child. But often the satisfaction is blunted by feelings of frustration, disappointment, exhaustion, and guilt. Parents are eager to know if they can change things, and if so, how.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Loving Each One Best by Nancy Samalin, Catherine Whitney. Copyright © 1997 Nancy Samalin. Excerpted by permission of Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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