The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John Gottman and Nan Silver

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0297645854 ISBN 13: 9780297645856

Publisher: W&N, 1999

Just as Masters and Johnson pioneered the study of human sexuality so John Gottman - author of the much-praised Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute - has revolutionized the study of marriage. Gottman has found, through questioning hundreds of couples in his ¿love lab¿, that it only takes five minutes for him to predict ¿ with 91 per cent accuracy ¿ which couples will eventually divorce. He says marriages are threatened not by anger, as many popular therapies suggest, but by what he calls the real demons, ¿The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse¿- Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman guides couples on the path towards a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. His principles teach partners new and sometimes startling strategies for making a marriage work. Concentrating on Work, Children, Money, Sex and Stress, Gottman first helps couples focus on each other, paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship. Being thoughtful about ordinary matters provides spouses with a solid foundation for resolving conflict and finding strategies for living with those issues that cannot be resolved. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work includes questionnaires and exercises already proven in Gottman¿s workshops.

Review:

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, PhD, author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 per cent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the paediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty", he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply". Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen

Book Description:

Pre-eminent American relationship expert shares his revolutionary findings to show couples how to create an emotionally intelligent relationship and keep it on track.